Man on my course smells bad and keeps getting in my personal space.

[RoundandAroundSheGoes]

Man in my class is over-familiar. Smells dirty, musty, unwashed. Is virally ill with a cough. Frequently rests his head on mine during lectures, cuddles up to me, leans against me. Does this to other men and women in the group.

He is a bit eccentric, as in identifies as non-binary asexual, wears hair clips in his hair and stuff.

I think the asexuality or "ace" thing might be his way of rationalising being too "touchy" with people, i.e. it's non-sexual therefore innocent therefore OK.

I find it really jarring, especially as I am a rape victim and it's uninvited.

AIBU to tense up and move away when he does this, even though he will feel hurt?

Nothing to add to the excellent advice you've had, just lending my support.

He's a creep. He doesn't care about your comfort, happiness or boundaries. You owe him nothing. And people who place his "right" to touch you and make you uncomfortable over your right to bodily autonomy are not your friends, and not people you need in your life. (But he sounds incredibly weird so I doubt anyone will really like him more than you)

I suspect the smell is all part of the same attention-seeking behaviour. It announces his arrival before he gets there and even if someone can ignore everything else about him, they're unlikely to be able to ignore the way he gets up people's noses.

It's never easy for people to hear that they're causing offence, acting out of turn or doing something wrong and yes they may well get upset, but they still need to be told especially if their actions are causing issues.
Just spit it out with him op and then the let him deal with it, if he asks why you never said anything before tell him that you were so taken aback by his behaviour and so uncomfortable with it that you weren't quite sure how to handle it. If he says that everyone else is fine with it, then say well they may not mind or they may just feel so awkward they may also not know how to handle it.
Just keep things simple, to the point, honest, firm but polite.
No matter how you label yourself you still have to be considerate to other people's feelings and preferences if he wants to be accepted for the way he is he will have to accept not everyone is like him and accept their differences more importantly respect difference too.

Sounds like a creep and an attention seeker. The fact he stinks just adds to the intrusion but if he didn't it wouldn't lessen it.

As Themoreitsnowstiddlypom be firm and polite in the firs instance. If he continues or whines then drop the politeness.

I cannot believe he rests his head on your head. Gross. Also what uni/college is this where people are cuddling in lectures? Tell him to fuck off.

Do you have a student conduct and professionalism office? Or similar sort of name? It's usually the same people who deal with fitness to practise stuff. If so go and have a word with them, you don't have to make it a formal complaint but they can have a word with some of the teaching staff who can intervene when his behaviour is disruptive. Or can get his personal adviser to speak to him about his behaviour and hygiene. It doesn't need to be a formal complaint.

Obviously the best thing is for you to firmly say that you do not want him to touch you and to move away

Both telling him directly and reporting your concerns are good signs of your own professionalism

His sexuality is irrelevant. He is being highly inappropriate. He may end up working with vulnerable people. He is already taking advantage of your kind nature.

I think you should have a chat with your tutor. He sounds like he needs someone who isn't a friend to talk to him.

Honestly, I'd go with 'Fuck, you stink, get off me you dirty fucker and don't come near me again you dirty prick'. But I'm Australian and fairly blunt lol. But really, you need to call upon your inner Aussie and tell this creep to fuck off and stop touching you. You aren't being rude by telling him to stop. He is being rude by daring to intrude upon your personal space.

He sounds like a complete creepy weirdo. Being all that bollocks he claims does not make him less odd. He has probably gravitated toward the lgbt soc and constructed an identity that allows him to be weird and attention seeking by being a speshul snowflake. He can't be called out there because he is so sooper speshul. I would give good odds he is not actually asexual and probably spends a good deal of time wanking and enjoys violating people's boundaries. Either that it he is unfathomablely ignorant and immature.

You can assert your boundaries OP. Call him out on his bullshit if you feel strong enough or just tell him not to touch you.

i had this at uni.
again the person identified as asexual and therefore it was just 'affection' not 'sexual harassment' in his eyes.
i tried moving away etc but eventually have to say 'could you not? step away i don't like it'
it didn't go well if i'm honest, he took it very personally, stating that i allowed others to hug me etc and that i was flattering myself as there was no way he'd be attracted to me anyway. there was a small scene
he avoided me from then on, which was fine by me, i don't need friends that can't respect personal boundaries, but the rest of the group were unfazed and felt that he was unreasonable to expect to touch who ever when ever.

Yuck he sounds grim.

Definitely tell him to move out of your personal space. If he asks why, tell him you find it uncomfortable having people too close & touching you.

Oh but, but...

And you smell appalling.

What an appropriate name for this thread, FurryLittleTwerp

it's what I call one of my cats, but yes, he sounds like he is one as well!

Never mind who or what he is. Totally irrelevant. I would also tell him don't touch me Stinker! End off. Concentrate on the course, report him and don't waste any more energy on him. Someone like this should not be let lose on poor patients!

Hope it went well OP - it can be difficult to stand up for yourself, but remember that the alternative is putting up with him leaning on you for the rest of the academic year and I'm sure you'll find the motivation!

perhaps I am too unsubtle, but my approach if one warning was ignored would be a loud shout with plenty of others around. 'stop climbing over me, not only is it really annoying but you need to go and have a good wash'.

doesn't sound like anything less will get through

who he chooses to have sex with (assuming that they reciprocate...) is of no relevance at all.

Hope it went well OP - it can be difficult to stand up for yourself, but remember that the alternative is putting up with him leaning on you for the rest of the academic year and I'm sure you'll find the motivation!

Thanks, I sat somewhere else today

Punch him in the throats or balls. He needs telling to stop invading your personal space.

OP I had a very similar situation at uni. The guy played on being Israeli though, so people (well, me at least) were too worried about being called "anti-Semitic" to stand up to him - and I've no doubt he'd have pulled that card too. He was VERY attention seeking in lectures and for some unknown reason picked me to cuddle up to and run his fingers through my hair during lectures. God it was horrific. But he didn't do it to others so I had support from friends who would sit beside me, blocking his chances..until he sat behind me.

I took the avoidance route, rather than making a complaint to the lecturer (didn't know until this thread that you could!) or even speaking to him directly. I didn't want to hurt his feelings etc - seems crazy now!And I regret not saying something. He lost interest after a while, but it really would have been better for me personally to have made a stand and not let him be one of many bastards who took my niceness as consent (for anything).

I'd say it doesn't matter whether you speak to him or the lecturers, from a personal standpoint, what matters is that you use your voice to express what you feel. You're also COMPLETELY justified in telling him to back off and I agree with pp that you shouldn't give him ANY info about yourself.

Will you be ok with it if one day he tries to grope you in class. What I'm trying to say is. Boundaries don't hurt people. You could give him the wrong intention if you don't set boundaries. Don't worry about hurting his feelings.

I don't think I could be held responsible for him groping me by giving "the wrong intention", that sounds victim-blamey to me. Nobody would think it OK to grope someone in a lecture theatre.

Thanks leopard, I'm so sorry about your experience. It's weird how we have both encountered the same kind of person.

Lots of ideas here for physically putting barriers up to stop him getting so close. However, I would definitely raise your concerns with your tutor and I'm willing to bet you won't be the first one to do so since he's rep reacting the year.

I bet he's got plenty of form and is still on the course by the skin of his teeth by using his sexuality as a way of making it tricky to manage him.

I sure as hell hope I never encounter him as my doctor.

I'm shocked. What would happen if he put you off going to lectures/classes altogether?

I stopped going to lectures at uni because a bloke mansplained something over my shoulder once and it totally knocked my confidence. I might have been a bit over-sensitive

Hope he leaves you alone OP

I think as a medical professional you have a responsibility to flag this up.