Man on my course smells bad and keeps getting in my personal space.

[RoundandAroundSheGoes]

Man in my class is over-familiar. Smells dirty, musty, unwashed. Is virally ill with a cough. Frequently rests his head on mine during lectures, cuddles up to me, leans against me. Does this to other men and women in the group.

He is a bit eccentric, as in identifies as non-binary asexual, wears hair clips in his hair and stuff.

I think the asexuality or "ace" thing might be his way of rationalising being too "touchy" with people, i.e. it's non-sexual therefore innocent therefore OK.

I find it really jarring, especially as I am a rape victim and it's uninvited.

AIBU to tense up and move away when he does this, even though he will feel hurt?

Another thought occurred to me: if this was in the workplace, he could be accused of sexual harassment. What he's doing could be within the definition for bullying behaviour. He'd be facing a disciplinary hearing where I work. Just because it's happening in a university/course environment makes no difference, there's probably a code of conduct or similar and he's most likely not abiding by it. The university owes you, as it's student, a duty of care and so should intervene and act to stop this behaviour.

I would stay quite firmly and loudly please do not touch me again, I don't like being touched without my express permission and I would have no problem saying this at all. If he persisted I would complain to the course leader and make sure this stopped at once.

Seconding what the other posters have said about setting boundaries being completely OK and fine for you to do. I'd like to add, too, that if it feels awkward, let it. He's the one making it awkward, not you.

He's invading your space and whether it's on purpose or not, he's relying on you being socialised not to make a fuss. Fuck it. He's making it awkward, not you.

Reference: basically everything [https://captainawkward.com Captain Awkward] ever said. Have a read through the archives, I guarantee a very similar problem or three will have been considered.

Also - he's failed one year. His communication skills are poor, and you're on a really complicated course. I'm not sure you're going to have this problem in future years...

Christ. It takes women decades to make people believe male creepiness and violence and rape culture is a thing, and just when women are starting to feel like it's okay to have boundaries around men, the men classify themselves as non binary and put some hair clips in and call themselves oppressed so they can keep doing the incredibly masculine thing of making women scared to engage in public life.

Given that he's already failed a year you could be forgiven for suggesting that he sits up straight, takes his own notes and actually concentrates on the lecture.

His sexuality is completely irrelevant to your need for personal space in a learning environment.

I wouldn't want my Mum or my kids "snuggling" me during a lecture.

Thinking about it, he's highly attention-seeking. His behaviour reminds me of immature girls I knew when I was at school. At times during the lecture he pretends to be sleeping, wriggles about, stares at other peoples' screens etc. Maybe he just likes to be focused on.

Tell him his violation of your personal space is triggering. You expect that a place of learning should be a safe space for you.

Hopefully that should shut him up.

Actually, I don't think you owe him any explanation as why you don't want him to behave like this. Don't touch is sufficient.

If that fails stab the fucker with a pencil.

"Why do you think you are less important than him?
Why do you feel you would rather someone shit all over your boundaries than asseet yourself? Tell him that he is in your personal space, tell him you are uncomfortable, tell him to stop touching you."

Yes this. ^

I would say (probably snap) something like, "I'm trying to learn. You are being inappropriate. Get off.'

You clearly don't like him (which is fine - he sounds rude) so why are you tying yourself up in circles to not offend him? He is stomping all over your boundaries. Assert them. There's nothing wrong in doing that.

By the way, don't say he's triggering or you want space because of what happened to you. You can have boundaries just because it's a normal human expectation to have your personal space respected.

I don't know if you've seen this, but I found it really interesting and it might help you in the future as a doctor as something to think about.

www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/SharkCage.pdf

Thanks Chased, I'll have a look. I have had four major abusive relationships since I was 17 (sexual, emotional and one isolated incidence of violence) and have often wondered about the risk of revictimisation.

Assuming he gets any further with this course, he's going to run into a nurse like my mum at some point, and if he hasn't bucked his ideas up by then, they're going to be picking little bits of him out of the surroundings for weeks...

In the meantime, you need to channel a bit of that for yourself. Imagine you're speaking on behalf of someone else, perhaps. You'd stand up for a vulnerable patient who he made unhappy, right? It's easier to speak up for others sometimes - might help you with your internal script.

Also, have you ever taken a self defence course of any kind? It might help to build your confidence up to do so. Not that I'm suggesting you deck him. But thinking of assertive body language etc...

I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you find the article useful, I know I did.

It's common assault if you want to get technical (any kind of touching, even a fingertip) As you aren't going to saying this, I would be loud and clear, make a fuss. I loathe being touched unless it's the DH. I had to speak to a colleague who would come out for fag breaks and creep increasingly closer until I was backed up against a wall. I told him I hated being touched and that he was in my space and actually showed him how far the distance should be-3 feet if not a good friend, family member etc, I think. Drove me nuts and I eventually couldn't be near him, even when I'd told him, he just kept creeping closer. :(

Excellent responses from other posters. I just wanted to say that I'm in a phase of saying "Give me some space!" to my own children as they are constantly bloody leaning on me! I love them, and they even came out of my own flesh, but - my God - the touching is driving me mad! I imagine having a stranger (he is!) doing it must be skin-crawlingly awful, and I hope you can get rid of him soon!

I wonder if he 'uses' his "non-binary asexual" - to hide his creepiness in plain sight, making people feel they are at fault for not accepting his ignoring their boundaries. Even in there's no sexual angle to his behaviour, he might get some sort of kick from making people feel uncomfortable but unable to object. Being 'ace' doesn't mean he's not a dick

I thought this. It's why, OP, I think you absolutely shouldn't give him any information about your past. As PP have said, it's fine just not to want to be touched. I don't like it either. Think about it - should I tolerate someone snuggling up to me purely because they're not heterosexual? Of course not. If I don't want to be touched, I don't want to, and that's and end to it.

Unfortunately people like this don't get the subtle approach. Tell him to back the fuck off and report him to your lecturer. I would alsoquestion the "asexuality" of a man who is so creepily touchy-feely. In any case, his behaviour is highly inappropriate, bordering on assault.

Oh ffs.

I don't know what to suggest.

i think he's a narcissistic attention seeking prat who needs to learn boundaries and hygiene ASAP.

poor patients who have him in the future :(

If you feel able to then consider flagging this behaviour up to the uni - for the benefit of future patients who can't have a voice.

I think you need to let your tutor know. This person is going to be in a position where he could cause very real harm to a patient. He needs to be spoken to about his hygiene and his behaviour.

He doesn't get special treatment because he's 'different' and a special snowflake. He seems like he feels entitled to be allowed to invade space whenever he feels and is using his sexual orientation to do so.

It's also ok for other people to be ok with it and for you not to be. It's no different to some people being huggers and some people not being able to abide it.

Tbh, I'd be blunt and tell him to pull his head in. This behaviour is likely to get him slapped. He seems very self involved and entirely lacking in awareness.

Ew. One firm 'no, stop getting in my space' type of comment. Then inform lecturer/ course head or similar.

Please don't make yourself vulnerable by giving him very personal info because you somehow need to excuse your perfectly reasonable request for someone to respect your boundaries, body, space and right to learn. No excuse necessary. And to give this man, who is already trampling I've your boundaries, even a snippet of deeply private information about you... Well, that means you're offering yourself up to him to continue or even step it up. Don't mean that in a victim blamey way, but a transactional analysis of the way women end up so stuck in these types of situations, by men who are good at manipulating boundaries to impose their own levels of intimacy on you, irrespective of your needs and wants. You are not a human sacrifice so don't give him anything more intimate to use - and he's not an exception to any rules of respect for others. No matter what his 'schtick' that he's using to invade your space, and divert attention into him even in the middle of lectures!

Would it be mean to say "sorry I'm trying to learn now" and then follow it up with a 'ooh, is this why you failed last year?

And yes. Mean. Stooping to his level. But booo, what a shame you want to be the bigger person in this :)
I bet this inappropriate behaviour was why he failed really. Who tries to divert attention from a lecturer, like he can't quite grasp why he's in that room at that time. To bloody learn you idiot! Grrrr.

Someone with this little respect for other people's boundaries would be absolutely terrifying as a doctor, or nurse. I can imagine him looming over a patient and both upsetting them terribly, and making dangerous medical mistakes.

The kind which happen when the HCP believes they don't have to listen to anyone but their own dulcet tones, so ignores the patient who is trying to tell him they're on heart medication etc.

And as for the exuberant smashing of boundaries and no respect for others... Imagine you are very ill, tubes stick in you, machines beeping. You are scared and in pain. You have nothing but a gown on, and it's come apart at the back so you're completely vulnerable. Perhaps this HCP has just ripped back the curtains and you're not even in bed, you're on a commode. Or you can't see him because someone's put your glasses just out of reach... The ginormous power imbalance is there already. So just imagine if he starts touching you on the shoulder, the hand, patting your knee as he sits on your bed. Or getting visibly bored as you finish speaking to someone else like a nurse about medication etc. And he starts twirling his hair or sighing or grabbing a chart and ostentatiously rustling pages to get all eyes back on him, the God of... Whatever type of medic.

Utterly horrendous.

Neither your nor his sexual preferences matter at all in this situation.

You DO NOT have to put up with being touched if you don't want to be. You need to say politely and in publicly the next time he invades your personal space that he needs to move back, he is too close. Polite but firm to start with and escalate if need be.

You don't need to give him an explanation to or a reason, you owe him nothing in this situation.

I wouldn't be allowing him to read my screen, I don't know what you are working on, but an accusation of plagiarism could ruin your academic career, do not risk it.

Toughen up or you are in for a really rocky road.

People rarely try this sort of shit with me, and if they do they do it once.

Imagine your someone else (like AF). Get into role and go for it. Slip in the little extra about persona hygiene while you are there.

Agree that you shouldn't give him a reason for not wanting physical contact with him. The mere fact that you don't want him snuggling in is enough of a reason. It sounds extremely odd to me that he was asking about your sexual orientation in the first conversation he had with you as well, that's not normal behaviour.

And he seriously needs to learn to respect boundaries and other people's personal space. This is the sort of thing that could land him in very big trouble if he continues this in clinical placements and at work. It would be very easy for a colleague or patient to interpret this kind of touching as intimidating or even as sexual harassment (and a patient certainly is unlikely to have any idea about his sexuality), and he could seriously damage his career if he doesn't learn to rein himself in. If you look at it from that perspective, then you're actually doing him a favour if you tell him to back off because he's being too touchy feely.