Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man on my course smells bad and keeps getting in my personal space.

158 replies

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 21/10/2016 15:10

Man in my class is over-familiar. Smells dirty, musty, unwashed. Is virally ill with a cough. Frequently rests his head on mine during lectures, cuddles up to me, leans against me. Does this to other men and women in the group.

He is a bit eccentric, as in identifies as non-binary asexual, wears hair clips in his hair and stuff.

I think the asexuality or "ace" thing might be his way of rationalising being too "touchy" with people, i.e. it's non-sexual therefore innocent therefore OK.

I find it really jarring, especially as I am a rape victim and it's uninvited.

AIBU to tense up and move away when he does this, even though he will feel hurt?

OP posts:
SilentBiscuits · 21/10/2016 15:44

You don't have to compromise your own comfort for his. It doesn't matter if others like it, you don't.

Sorry this is happening to you, OP. I know it's awkward but you have to say something.

Original poster
RoundandAroundSheGoes · 21/10/2016 15:45

I'd just like to say that you're all very kind for replying to my thread, I do love MN. There is some overlap with the replies so I won't refer to all of them but I do appreciate everything that's been said and the effort put into the posts.

OP posts:
JosephineMaynard · 21/10/2016 15:46

You're being too nice.

It is fine to tell someone that you don't want to be cuddled, lent on etc. It is fine to tell someone that you like your personal space so please don't lean on me.

It is not discriminatory to ask someone to respect your personal space.

The kind of behaviour you describe is something I would only tolerate from my DC (the oldest of whom is 5) and my DH.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 21/10/2016 15:49

Could you ask friends/classmates to sit on each side of you, then he can't get too close? How horrible for you. If you're a timid type you will feel embarrassed to assert yourself strongly but sadly there are times when being nice really doesn't help. I hope you can be brave enough to get away and discourage him. Saying no nicely but effectively is a lesson which has to be learned through experience.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2016 15:52

"he openly asked me if I was gay so I answered. It's not something I bring up with people! This was the first time we'd spoken too."
A useful response to have ready to such an invasive question is 'Why do you ask?'. It gives you a bit of time to get past the shock of being asked something so personal, and to ready the next response (whatever they say, doesn't matter) of 'that's too personal a question from someone I barely know, so I'd prefer not to answer.'

pregnantat50 · 21/10/2016 15:52

You say he has a viral infection, for a start you can say, "please dont come near me I am susceptible to germs and cant afford to be unwell"...that would be a nice way of getting your point across and hopefully he will in that time have moved on to someone else x

Sunshineonacloudyday · 21/10/2016 15:53

Just tell him politely that he smells.

StealthPolarBear · 21/10/2016 15:53

I bet the others aren't all fine with it.
and shove the Holly gives good advice but I disagree you should say it's because of your issues. It's fine for it to just be intolerable you don't need an excuse.

Ps am I the only one reading this thinking huge male se se of entitlement hiding behind special snowflakeness?

Pps NITS! We've just got rid of them, not fun! I hope neither of you has them as he seems keen to pass them on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2016 15:55

I cannot imagine you're the only one, who doesn't like it. I would be nervous of a smelly, non binary person of male sex and muscles to match cuddling up to me. Ugh! Please protect yourself first and foremost, not his feelings.

ZuleikaDobson · 21/10/2016 15:56

I think because you are inherently nice and considerate you are assuming other people don't mind him. I would really put money on a bet that they do. However, it really doesn't matter, because you don't need to discuss it with them, you really just need to follow the advice on this thread about telling him firmly that you don't like your personal space being invaded and you have no interest in going to his society or discussing it.

AmeliaJack · 21/10/2016 15:58

Round you sound very lovely.

It doesn't matter if someone else "doesn't mind" you mind.

You are important. Your feelings matter.

You are in class to learn. Your distress over this is impacting your learning experience.

Tell him to stop, clearly.

Don't apologise, don't explain.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 21/10/2016 15:59

Urgh. I'd hit the ceiling the first time. I wouldn't give a toss about hurting his feelings!

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 21/10/2016 16:00

(But Amelia just put it a lot better than me ;) )

BabyGanoush · 21/10/2016 16:01

just tell him straight, .....all this British faffing about! (not even sure you are British Grin)

Just say: "Don't touch me please, I don't like it".

And move when he stinkily stands close to you.

I had a colleague who kept touching me "as friends" and I asked him to stop, when he did it again (putting his hands around my waist) I said in front of all my colleagues that I might have to talk to HR about sexual harassment. I did not say it in a jokey way.

Then I was a "cold bitch", which I did not care about anyway.

Just SAY it, for heaven's sake.You are bing too nice to someone who does not deserve it.No need to talk about him with others, just say it straight to him.

Stormtreader · 21/10/2016 16:01

I would also say that you dont need to say "Because of some things that have happened to me".
He doesnt need to know that kind of personal information about you and it might allow any negative feedback from you in the future to be framed as "oh, is this because of what happened to you?", it puts you in an emotionally weak position, and allows him to come back with "but im aesexual/non-binary therefore that shouldnt apply to me as im not a threat to you".

You are allowed to have and enforce your own personal boundaries for no other reason than thats what you want. You could decide that you dont want to be friends with him at all, if thats what you wanted, and your friendship group would have to take that on board and adjust to it (although that adjustment may well be that you end up not in that group any more, but it also might not be).

You shouldnt ever have to be in the situation where you have to tolerate close personal contact that makes you uncomfortable, purely to stay in a friendship group - real friends would never ask you to.

BabyGanoush · 21/10/2016 16:03

and DON't say" Because of some things that have happened to me"

you owe him no explanation. At all.

BestZebbie · 21/10/2016 16:05

I think that there is also a point that hasn't been raised yet - even if in general you were OK with some snuggling with this person, they are doing it to you in lectures. Where presumably, it is awkward to give your full attention to the class and take notes/ask questions with somebody lying on you! It is fine to say "please give me my space here, I'm trying to concentrate on the course" to anyone and if they object, it is because they are an entitled ass rather than any of their other personal attributes.
(It is also fine to say "leave me alone" applicable to all situations, but the lectures thing makes that specific part easier, perhaps?)

Original poster
RoundandAroundSheGoes · 21/10/2016 16:08

Where presumably, it is awkward to give your full attention to the class and take notes/ask questions with somebody lying on you!

Oh god it's beyond that. I had to keep my nose "shut" (you know when you kind of tense it up so you don't breathe through it?) all session and I was on edge in case he tried to touch me.

Also, he kept looking at my laptop to see what I was doing. I felt it would be rude to tell him to stop it. It put me off writing notes.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 21/10/2016 16:08

Can you sit on the end of a row next to someone else? And put your bag down next to you (ideally with trailing straps). I sat next to someone stinky on an international flight and he kept leaning over me to the window. He ignored my firm suggestions not to so I had to resort to bag/elbows. Ugh!!

trulybadlydeeply · 21/10/2016 16:09

I would absolutely hate that, and TBH it all sounds rather creepy. I have been a student (twice) and no-one ever felt the need to lean up against me, or rest there head on me. This is not usual behaviour and should not be accepted by you, or anyone, unless they are comfortable with it. What's he going to do when he gets a job? Go and rest his head against someone in the office? I do hope you're not studying medicine, that would not be ideal bedside manner behaviour Grin

As others have said, just be firm and clear. Do not apologise, just tell him that you don't want him so close.

Original poster
RoundandAroundSheGoes · 21/10/2016 16:10

What's he going to do when he gets a job? Go and rest his head against someone in the office? I do hope you're not studying medicine, that would not be ideal bedside manner behaviour grin

We're medics... :|

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 21/10/2016 16:10

their head

trulybadlydeeply · 21/10/2016 16:11

No! Really??? Surely he's got to learn pretty quickly about personal boundaries!

Original poster
RoundandAroundSheGoes · 21/10/2016 16:12

He failed first year so is repeating, not sure of the circumstances. I would have thought personal hygiene would have come up as an issue by now, especially as we've already done a placement with patients.

I previously studied another healthcare subject and they were very direct with us about personal odour. Stinky boys were actively singled out and told to go home to wash.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoundandAroundSheGoes · 21/10/2016 16:13

Have majorly outed myself now so will NC! I guess his odds of seeing this are low, but I feel quite bad.

OP posts: