Man on my course smells bad and keeps getting in my personal space.

[RoundandAroundSheGoes]

Man in my class is over-familiar. Smells dirty, musty, unwashed. Is virally ill with a cough. Frequently rests his head on mine during lectures, cuddles up to me, leans against me. Does this to other men and women in the group.

He is a bit eccentric, as in identifies as non-binary asexual, wears hair clips in his hair and stuff.

I think the asexuality or "ace" thing might be his way of rationalising being too "touchy" with people, i.e. it's non-sexual therefore innocent therefore OK.

I find it really jarring, especially as I am a rape victim and it's uninvited.

AIBU to tense up and move away when he does this, even though he will feel hurt?

It doesn't need to create tension. As long as you're not nasty about it, just forthright, then there should be no problem. I also wonder whether others in the friendship group are struggling with his behaviour but no-one is saying/doing anything for the same reasons you're not? If you say something others may follow.

I broached it with another guy, but he said he doesn't mind too much because it seems harmless. Made me feel like I'm overreacting.

I really cannot stand the smell though. I've worked at homeless shelters where the clients can't access reguar showers and he smells worse than any of them.

*AmeliaJack's marketing suggestions are great, by the way. May I also suggest sending a free cake to anyone who has responded on this thread so we can give you an honest review?

Two for me please. I like a choice.*

Fuck. Apologies for posting on the wrong thread.

I would also tell the lecturer to be honest.

As a lecturer I would personally have pulled him up on this behviour anyway without a complaint from the student.

But I think you need to mention it to the lecturer and ask them to have a word.

I wouldn't have a problem if you were one of my students and came to me with an issue like this.

Thanks Felicia, I am a bit of a doormat in general (shy if we're being polite), and assertiveness is a skill I have yet to master. I'll use this as a test case.

No worries Clandestino, are we having cake?

Just tell him to stop touching but why on earth would you discuss your sexuality with a virtual stranger?

Back to your thread. Seriously. See the human being behind all those things. The human being is smelly and inappropriately touchy feely. I would definitely mind if anyone would enter my personal space like this, even though there wasn't anything sexual about it.

When I first met him I kept thinking he was weird, and then he said he's non-binary ace panromantic

I am guessing these two are not mutually exclusive. In fact ...

Maras, he openly asked me if I was gay so I answered. It's not something I bring up with people! This was the first time we'd spoken too.

I wouldn't want anyone doing that - and I would''t care how they identify themselves or their sexuality as that simply wouldn't be a factor.

Tell him clearly and firmly to back off and escalate it if he doesn't back off sharpish. It's not ok to force yourself into someone's personal space uninvited.

I broached it with another guy, but he said he doesn't mind too much because it seems harmless. Made me feel like I'm overreacting

If he doesn't mind it he's welcome to continue to allow it. You are not him and you do mind it. So you shouldn't feel bad in any way if you ask for the invasion of your personal space to stop.

You're certainly not discriminating against him by asking him not to invade your personal space. Even if my best friend started snuggling into me I'd ask her wtf she was doing. Especially if she started resting her head on mine, I don't know how you e been tolerating it. Urgh. Just tell him you're not a touchy feely person and you'd rather have a bit of space.

I think that it would be unfair to complain about him without having made your boundaries clear and given him an opportunity to comply. He is a blunt over-sharer, so don't feel bad about saying, look these are my boundaries. Just say it matter-of-factly and non-apologetically.

That would make me really uncomfortable too, I couldn't stand someone leaning on me constantly like that no matter what they "identify" as. Tell him you need your own space to be able to concentrate on your work.

If he has been going to a lot of LGBT groups then they are usually red-hot and crystal-clear around the topic of consent and personal boundaries.

If you tell him "X, I have to respectfully ask you to stop touching me, youre crossing my personal boundaries and I havent consented to that, I'm not comfortable with it", none of those words should be a mystery to him.

Online communities that are big on all these terms are also usually very keen on clarity about consent and personal space, and differences in personal boundaries, specifying that not everyone is into random hugs etc. I would expect someone who defined themselves that way to be more receptive than the average space invader to having this issue mentioned. Especially if you can phrase it in a relatively friendly way, so that it's about your need and preference for personal space rather than his identities.

I'm impressed by all the posters with well thought-out ripostes. As an awkward English person, in this situation I would twitch violently when he put his head on me and say something coherent like 'Would you mind not'

Haha yes Irene, I get really awkward/English when it happens and have no idea what to do.

^ What Stormtreader said

I'd worry I'm committing some kind of hate crime or bullying him

You certainly aren't. It's perfectly normal and acceptable not to want uninvited touching and people invading your personal space.

the others are OK with it

I suspect they aren't. I can't believe anyone is really OK with someone smelly sitting next to them, let alone cuddling up to them and resting his head against theirs. Have you spoken to anyone other than the man you mention who said he didn't mind it? I suspect that he may have similar worries to you, hence a reluctance to suggest that he objects.

"Look, stop touching me. I don't like being touched by other people OK?"

It doesn't matter who he is or what his sexuality is (or not), nothing justifies invading your space and touching you when it's not wanted.

If you keep it to "I" statements, you're not saying anything about him at all. Imagine what you would say to a straight man if that helps you say things firmly.

"I don't like that, stop it please."
"I don't want to be touched, I'd like you to stop."
"I feel uncomfortable with people sitting really close to me, I'm going to sit on my own."

If he doesn't stop, repeat loud and clear so it's obvious to everyone.

These messages are clear so if it doesn't stop after that, it's OK to complain. It's got nothing to do with what or who he is - what he's doing is out of order and you are entitled to say no to it.

FVWIW I'd hate it if a woman did this to me too, I'm very sensitive about personal space and being touched.

"I think I'm worried that I'm being intolerant because he identifies as being part of a specific group."
You're not. You're intolerant of his behaviour because it is intolerable! I wonder if he 'uses' his "non-binary asexual" - to hide his creepiness in plain sight, making people feel they are at fault for not accepting his ignoring their boundaries. Even in there's no sexual angle to his behaviour, he might get some sort of kick from making people feel uncomfortable but unable to object. Being 'ace' doesn't mean he's not a dick.

TBH this is how a lot of women find themselves in vulnerable positions - we are conditioned to be nice, think of the other person's feeling, blah blah blah - fuck it, you have the right to not be made uncomfortable by his behaviour. If you must, consider that you are doing him a favour by flagging up to him that he makes people uncomfortable, and someone else might do more than ask him nicely to back the fuck off.

As for the smell - tell him. 'When did you last wash your clothes? They smell very musty. It's really not a pleasant smell, and making me feel a bit ill.'

I would be gently forthright in your shoes. Start with 'Can I please raise something with you? (Getting his permission to say something difficult can help to make the space nicer for both of you). 'Because of some things that have happened to me, I'm not comfortable with physical contact with people I don't know that well. I like and respect you, but I don't like physical contact in that way with friends. Please understand that it's not personal.'

Then be bright, breezy but assertive of your boundaries.

Have you spoken to anyone other than the man you mention who said he didn't mind it?

I haven't. I'm worried if I bring it up they'll think I'm a bad person. I don't know how anyone could fail to notice the smell though..