Man on my course smells bad and keeps getting in my personal space.

[RoundandAroundSheGoes]

Man in my class is over-familiar. Smells dirty, musty, unwashed. Is virally ill with a cough. Frequently rests his head on mine during lectures, cuddles up to me, leans against me. Does this to other men and women in the group.

He is a bit eccentric, as in identifies as non-binary asexual, wears hair clips in his hair and stuff.

I think the asexuality or "ace" thing might be his way of rationalising being too "touchy" with people, i.e. it's non-sexual therefore innocent therefore OK.

I find it really jarring, especially as I am a rape victim and it's uninvited.

AIBU to tense up and move away when he does this, even though he will feel hurt?

It's really not okay to cuddle people in lectures, so you should stop being involved in it anyway.

You need to just say, when he attempts to cuddle you, "I don't want to be cuddled." You don't need to give reasons, you don't need to say it applies to everyone (because in the future you may meet someone it does not apply to). If questioned further, just say it is not your cup of tea and change the topic.

As for your whole thing of being worried about being seen as mean/prejudiced/the person who commits hate crime... well predators will look out for that as a weakness in people, and exploit it. So get your boundaries up, and fast.

bloody ehll

I have found a jokey but VERY loud "Sorry mate, but.....PERSONAL BUBBLE! PERSONAL BUBBLE!!!!" works well. No further explanation needed.

Next time it happens: "Oh I'm really not comfortable with the cuddling up, sorry!" then move swiftly on to talking about something else to save any awkwardness/embarrassment.

If he's a decent bloke but assumed people liked this because he hasn't been challenged before now then he won't do it again. If not, you'll probably be avoided from now on. Either way, problem solved with no rudeness.

If you're going to be a medic this will be good practice at polite assertiveness!

I think that if he is ever to be let loose (god forbid) on the general public, you will be doing the world a favour by letting him know that his behaviour around personal boundaries is not acceptable. (And the smell )

Round final. Bit of advice, think about some strategies:

Can you come in at the last miniyte and make sure you are not next to him?

Can you explain your issue to a (nice assertive) friend and arrange to sit next to them at the end of a row?

Sit at the end of a row and out your bags down next to you?

Sit right in the front row, directly in front of the lecturer so it's public when you say "stop it"

I like Elspeth's' personal bubble, personal bubble!!! Do it was a smile and a slightly too loud voice and it will be quite effective.

Very good tips, Amelia!

Also, point taken from others re: assertiveness being a useful trait for my chosen career. I actually do better on the wards with patients than I do with colleagues, but hopefully I can work on that.

You're going to need that assertiveness in your career so this is a good chance to practice. This person has neither any right nor any cause to be touching you. You owe him nothing. Hair clips are irrelevant to this.

Or you could get a new jacket, but I think assertiveness is probably cheaper...

Haha! Looks like something I used to wear during my goth phase.

What I found when this happened to me (not as intrusive, but a colleague draping his arm round my shoulders, that sort of thing) was to make it about me, not him - no issues around trying to interpret his behaviour or motivations, just a straightforward "I'm not a touchy feely person and I'm afraid this is making me uncomfortable."

BTW, I can see why you're tying yourself in knots - I'm so glad I went through university before the current tumblr-driven, virtue signalling, oppression top-trumps thing took over. I've read enough horror stories (Ada Wells banning a woman from the Edinburgh LTBT soc for being transphobic because she only wanted to date women with vulvas for instance) to know that women are now coming under enormous pressure to put up with creepy behaviour because calling men on it brings down a ton of "you're a bigot" abuse on their heads. Modern day campuses are scary places. Again, the "I'm not a touchy-feely person", "I'm not a joining-clubs person" mantra, repeated over and over, is your friend here, I think.

That seems a bit harsh because [...] I let him do it initially.

This is why women don't feel they can be raped by men they have previously had sex with.

He's being a dick and using his orientation/ gender fluidity to pretend it's ok.

Doesn't matter if the person is gay, straight, black, Asian, short, fat, an alien or a bloody goat. If you don't like it tell them to stop.

No worries Clandestino, are we having cake? cake

Not yet, for now I would suggest tiger balm. And if you want to be very passive aggressive, you can put it on your desk and every time he leans over you just open it and demonstratively rub a bit under your nose.
I had a colleague who had smelly feet. As in - really really really smelly feet. The kind of smelly feet to wish for a bad dose of a cold so you can't smell anything.
I asked him, several times, to keep his shoes on. He was sitting opposite me so I could smell it immediately when he took off his shoes. No joy. He just kept doing it and behaved like I was a total bitch for insinuating his feet are smelly.
So I got few Lynx samples from a colleague of mine and periodically sprayed it under my desk, straight at his stretched out feet. Funny enough, he got the message. Probably because his socks smelled of teenager deo.

It's got nothing to do with his sexuality- he's coming into your personal space so tell
Him you're not comfortable with personal contact.

Asking someone not to touch you is not a hate crime.

Ditto a loud 'whoah, personal space please!' is needed. He knows he's being inappropriate and is relying on your social niceties to put up with it.

There should be a behaviour policy. If you ask him to desist and he continues that could be harrassment. I'd suggest you raise the boundary issues initially with a tutor or the lecturer. In meantime avoid sitting where he might be able to join you.

That's a bit alarming. Not the smelly bit, known plenty of smelly Docs, Infection Control would have a word.

The fact that he's either so lacking in awareness that he can't see that you're uncomfortable. Or he's getting off on it, not sexually, but one of those who likes making others uncomfortable. Neither one something you want in a Medic.

I'd bet you a tenner if you'd asked another female you'd have gotten a different reply. Your male friend will feel no threat from this guy.

I'm afraid you're going to have to be brave, hard I know, and use one of the suggestions above.

Good luck

I don't want to make things awkward.

You are not making things awkward. Next time, stand up and say 'no touching. I dont like it'. If he does it again move a chair away.
Talk to the tutor and ask them to step in.

Love the "personal bubble" phrase.

Re. being awkward because you didn't say anything before - I think a serious approach is perfect for that, using the buzzwords commonly found in these circles as per Stormwatch's post, and without disclosing it's because of any bad experiences. It fits with having not said something before because you were trying to think of how to put it.

Then if he ever tries it again, something more exuberant like "personal bubble" or "whoa, personal space" should make it very clear to him and others in the vicinity.

You may well prompt him to think twice about hugging and draping himself on others, or inspire others around you to say something.

I found this post from an asexuality forum about people who don't like to be touched: www.asexuality.org/en/topic/141526-touching-personal-space/
It's not a weird thing in these circles to assert boundaries.

He sounds like an overexuberant puppy who needs to learn to grow up a bit. I met some similar people at university (the most memorable were also involved in LGBT stuff, although that was well before words like "panromantic" were "a thing") and because they were eager to be liked and accepted, they did learn that not everyone wanted to be hugged, even if they might have needed a couple of reminders, especially when drunk.

'A useful response to have ready to such an invasive question is 'Why do you ask?'. It gives you a bit of time to get past the shock of being asked something so personal, and to ready the next response (whatever they say, doesn't matter) of 'that's too personal a question from someone I barely know, so I'd prefer not to answer.'

Exactly what this previous poster said. It's so far back up the thread that I've forgotten their name, sorry. But I was scrolling through to type exactly that.

It's interesting that you feel much more able to police your own boundaries when you're in a 'professional' space and role. Nothing wrong with putting on your professional head if that helps you with this chap.

I'm afraid he sounds as if he should never be a doctor. If he doesn't listen to you the first time you say all this, I would strongly suggest you report him - though it isn't your responsibility to sort him out in any way. I think sitting in the front row is a good strategy so that whatever happens is as visible as possible.

I personally couldn't give a flying f**k what gender he classes himself, nobody comes within an arms length of my personal space, or I'm leaving. If he sat beside me, he wouldn't get the chance to rest his head on my shoulder, he'd be on the floor. Move Ffs, you don't have to put up with this. It's an invasion of privacy. Your gender identity doesn't give you a free pass to behave like a twat.

It's great to see you're building the confidence to manage the situation. Lots of good tactics here. I think if it was me, I would tell the lecturer first (discretely and before the lecture) that you have had this issue, you are planning to try and tackle it informally initially, but would appreciate their support if it continues. Focus on the fact it's disruptive and distracting to learning and also your own right to be free from harassment. You could even ask if personal boundaries, patient consent/dignity and respect could be covered in a lecture.

Personal hygiene is a priority in healthcare, and he is going to be a rubbish professional if he's whiffy and doesn't understand the concept of personal space! Is he maybe using his non-binary status as a way of getting away with inappropriate behaviour?