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AIBU?

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Original poster

'It might not have been rape, she might have had sex and regretted it afterwards'

1002 replies

BravoHopeful · 21/10/2016 10:29

This statement makes no sense. If you had consensual sex and the next day regretted it, why on earth would you go through the whole horrible experience of reporting it to the police and everything that follows? You would just move on and put it behind you.

It's always trotted out as a likely explanation in 'date rape' type cases. But it makes no sense whatsoever. AIBU?

OP posts:
Isitadoubleentendre · 21/10/2016 12:15

It does happen. It's pretty rare, but sadly not nonexistent.

No one has ever said its 'nonexistent'. What people take issue with is the wildly disproportionate focus on false accusations of rapes, when you actually look at the real stats, which overwhelmingly suggest that false reports are very low.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 12:17

Theyvalso suggest that non-reported real rapes are very high.

SatsukiKusakabe · 21/10/2016 12:18

IME the opposite occurs more often; woman is pressured into a sex act or is ignored when she refuses consent, but because she hasn't fought, or technically been 'forced' everybody tells her not to think of it as rape.

I have had conversations with friends who have regretted sleeping with people, there is embarrassment, what was I thinking, let's never speak of it, never 'rape' even when the guy in question has been absolutely detested afterwards.

Isitadoubleentendre · 21/10/2016 12:23

I know plenty of women who have had cringey 'regret sex' and a lot of the time we have had a good laugh about it.

Never once, not once has it ever come up that they should report it to the police as rape.

Not even the time, looking back as someone older and wiser, when what my friend described happened to her does now actually sound to me like a fairly clear cut case of rape Sad

Not even when what one of my (now ex thankfully) friends described what he did with a girl, which again I now know is almost definitely rape.

But no, women up and down the country are falsely accusing poor blokes left right and centre Hmm

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/10/2016 12:24

Manon - I don't doubt that there is a far higher number of girls/women who are pressured in to sex. I also think that there's a significant number who are pressured by their whole friendship group ("Have you had sex yet? Ahh... c'mon, why not? We want the goss!")

But I also think it's true that there are some who weren't raped, gave enthusiastic consent at the time, regretted it and either claimed they were raped or allowed other people to think they had. (There's a difference.)

The prevalence of one scenario doesn't mean another scenario doesn't exist.

ManonLescaut · 21/10/2016 12:26

I agree Satsuki.

Sugarcoma's scenario was of a woman who said she felt pressured. This view was attributed to 'friends' in the ensuing discussion, but the woman concerned may have felt that all along, she was just verbalising it. The poster makes a lot of assumptions. Unless you were there at the time of the incident and you were present at the discussion afterwards, you really have no idea what happened.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 12:27

The extremely high prevalence of one s enario and the extreme rarity of the other does suggest that one of them is a lot more significant than the other.

ikeawrappingpaper · 21/10/2016 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fantome · 21/10/2016 12:29

MilkTwoSugarsThanks - no it absolutely does not happen. We might say something like "ew I can't believe I did" but claim to have been raped???? I have NEVER heard of this. Even men actually convicted of rape are rarely labelled rapists (see Ched Evans before retrial), boys and girls make excuses for them. I would never report a rape if it happened to me because it's the GIRL/woman who's judged, branded a liar, gets all the shit while people rally round the boy. To suggest girls claim to have been raped like that is so bloody offensive when so many of us suffer sexual violence and would be too scared to report it, and know full well all that goes with it.

x2boys · 21/10/2016 12:30

theres a difference between cringey drunken sex and being co erced i have had regrettable one night stands [when young and single] i most definatley consented to them the fact that i instantly regretted them when sober is irrelevant they were not rape just bad decisions

ManonLescaut · 21/10/2016 12:30

Milk You've misunderstood my post when I said regret sex the next day - I don't mean regret it and turn it into rape I just mean regret full stop.

I've done a couple of things I regretted, but in proportion to the number of times I've had consensual sex in my life it's miniscule.

And I think the sheer volume of women being pressured into sex is a much a bigger problem than ill-advised shags.

Fantome · 21/10/2016 12:31

I know girls who have been pressured into doing things sexually they didn't want to. The way they speak about it is horrible, they confide in closest friends, cry, feel too scared to tell anyone else. To suggest girls pretend to have been raped or let people believe they have to "save face" is absolutely abhorrent.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/10/2016 12:31

Blush I have missed the point.

Yes it happens (I have personal experience of a similar scenario) ... but I agree there is a disproportionate focus on it.

Sorreeeeee...

Polly775 · 21/10/2016 12:32

DoinItFine This is something that 24 years on i still question as to whether or not what happened to me was rape. I was 15 at the time and had my first drink at a friends house, her older brothers friend really took an interest in me and we ended up in bed together. In my 15 year old mind we were going to just talk all night (something that seemed romantic to me at the time) but naturally he had other ideas. I didn't say the word no, i remember really not being comfortable with what was happening and after a while saying lets just talk, but he carried on. The next day I still felt confused, i even kissed him goodbye, then when i got home i immediately wanted to shower and i saw all the bruises i had and only at that point did i consider that maybe it was rape. I never reported it as i couldn't get my head around my actions, i didn't even consider how the police may construe what had happened to me.

In later years i've had drunken one night stands which i have regretted the next day, but not once have i considered them to be rape or anywhere near to similar as what i experienced at 15. Other people may feel differently.

Now at 39, i still am unsure about consent, did i consent? I don't think i specifically did or did not so i don't know how to classify what happened to me. I just know that when i read about high profile rape cases and see peoples reaction to them on social media that i'm glad i didn't go the police and that makes me sad that i feel that way.

I guess overall i would say that i can't imagine a woman reporting rape unless she was convinced that is what she had experienced. I've agonised over it for years and still am not able to say "i was raped"

Fantome · 21/10/2016 12:35

It is so enraging to see someone suggest girls let people believe they've been raped and poor, long suffering boys are "branded rapists" when teenage girls suffer so much shit and hate themselves for what they've been pressured into doing sometimes by boys who go around bragging and hurling gendered abuse at us. Argh, I can barely type a coherent sentence I'm so angry.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/10/2016 12:38

Fantome - sorry it does happen.

I believed for 20+ years that a friend from college had been raped. Tbf I'm not sure she ever claimed she was, but she certainly allowed us to believe she had been. Turns out she hadn't been. Turns out she'd pressured him in to sex...

She told me the truth a couple of years ago and how she's eaten up with guilt because her son is turned 17 and she's scared that someone will do that to him.

Fantome · 21/10/2016 12:42

I'd be more worried to have a daughter the same age who is at constant risk of sexual violence from boys and men, faces harassment daily, is labelled every gendered slur under the sun however she behaves sexually. That might happen INCREDIBLY rarely but you suggested it happens as normal after a party!! I am so angry knowing the shit we get from boys.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 12:43

Polly, I'm so sorry he did that to you.

Yes, it was rape.

Now at 39, i still am unsure about consent, did i consent? I don't think i specifically did or did not

If you did not specifically consent, then there was no consent.

Lots of men like to pretend this is a "grey area", but that is because they like raping women and want to continue to get away with it.

You were under the age of consent, he was older than you, he targeted you, he didn't stop when you asked him to, he bruised you.

:(

I'm so sorry. That is awful.

ICanHazCakeNow · 21/10/2016 12:44

Polly, you stopped consenting when you said "Let's just talk"
Could you have been clearer about what you meant? possibly
Should you have needed to be clearer? Absolutely not!

I'm sorry that happened to you.

ManonLescaut · 21/10/2016 12:49

Taking your story at face value Milk, your friend would fall into the category of the minute number of women who make a false claim (or at least allowed it to believed - granted she never reported it). Did she do that because she regretted it or because she's a bit screwed up? Was it really as cut and dried as she's now making it out to be?

Instigating sex doesn't mean you can't end up being coerced or even forced into something you don't consent to.

I have to agree with Fatome, aside from inculcating my son that he must have explicit consent, I'm much more worried about my daughter.

Polly775 · 21/10/2016 12:52

When i think now about what would have happened if i had reported it, i still don't know what the outcome would have been.

On one side i was under the age of consent, i was a virgin and i had bruises to show as physical evidence.

On the other i flirted with him, i went to bed with him, i didn't say no, i kissed him the following morning.

I think a defence lawyer would have had a field day with the second list!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/10/2016 12:53

As I understand it, research shows that false allegations of rape are no more common than false allegations of any other serious crime. So not at all common. However the CPS decides to prosecute not on whether the police believe the victim but on how likely it is that they'll get a conviction.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 12:54

Oh, he would have got away with it even if you had reported.

Rape is as good as legal.

We just pretend it's not.

But he did rape you.

Isitadoubleentendre · 21/10/2016 12:56

no it absolutely does not happen

Well given that there are some stats on false accusations, of course it happens. To say it never happens is kind of as ridiculous as saying 'it happens all the time, lock up your sons'.

carefreeeee · 21/10/2016 12:56

It was bad enough reporting to the police when a car drove into me when I was cycling - I got made to feel like I was a criminal even though the driver admitted they didn't see me and it was entirely their fault etc. I thought at the time I'd think twice about reporting rape unless the person needed putting away for the good of society

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