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AIBU?

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Original poster

'It might not have been rape, she might have had sex and regretted it afterwards'

1002 replies

BravoHopeful · 21/10/2016 10:29

This statement makes no sense. If you had consensual sex and the next day regretted it, why on earth would you go through the whole horrible experience of reporting it to the police and everything that follows? You would just move on and put it behind you.

It's always trotted out as a likely explanation in 'date rape' type cases. But it makes no sense whatsoever. AIBU?

OP posts:
MostlyHet · 21/10/2016 16:55

What delete said - I'm raising my son to know that you have to be 100% sure your partner wants this and is enjoying this, or you stop. No ifs or buts. No whining of "it was so hard to read the signals". If you are in any doubt, you stop.

(And actually, based on what my dad has told me about predatory male behaviour in public toilets, I worry far more that he will be the victim of an attack than that he will be falsely accused of anything).

Lighthouseturquoise · 21/10/2016 17:01

Totally agree op. If you had sex and then regretted it there's just no way you'd want to keep going over it again by pretending you were raped. You'd just want to forget about it. I've slept with someone I didn't like or fancy for whatever stupid reason at the time and I didn't tell anyone.

Realising you've been raped is a different matter. If someone coerced you or forced themselves on you but you didn't fight them off. That's raped. But that's going off on a tangent.

In answer to your original point it makes no sense and no one would do that, it's a rape myth.

WittyCakeMeister · 21/10/2016 17:02

Doinitfine - I'm not a rape apologist. Nasty. I just think the discussion on here is very closed and narrow minded. You believe there is absolutely zero possibility that a man can genuinely misread signs. And you are not even contemplating the possibility that a woman can have sex, not wanting it, and can give positive signs, but then say it was rape because in her head she did not want it. Every case needs to be looked at on a case-by-case basis and not in generalised stereo-type terms.
Of course I think men who set out to rape are disgusting. There is no need to be vile.

And some people have argued on here that I should not be focusing on educating women, and I am saying it's still an important thing to educate them about and does not suggest that we think they are 'to blame'.

Beebeeeight · 21/10/2016 17:04

Rapists don't have horns and neon signs.

They look just like all the non rapist nice guys.

Rape is black and white.

The 'grey area' is that 'nice guys' do it too.

DeleteOrDecay · 21/10/2016 17:09

a man can genuinely misread signs

You are not giving men enough credit. They are not idiots.

Previous posters have tried to explain why rapists know they are committing rape, even included some studies to prove it, but you don't seem to want to hear it. You are the narrow minded one here it seems.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 17:09

I'm not a rape apologist.

Do you "feel yourself innocent" of rape apology despite repeatedly making excuses for men to do rapes and get away with them?

Poor you.

How awful.it must be for everyone to think that you should not behave in the way you feel entitled to behave.

You should definitely be allowed to define yourself out of being a rape apologist if you don't want to be one.

Even if you are one.

It's much worse to be accused of rape apologism than have to.listen to someone excuse your rape and say you should have been educated out of letting it happen.

Felascloak · 21/10/2016 17:10

Oh fgs not the grey areas again.
There are no grey areas. Either a woman wants sex or she doesn't. If you aren't sure just ask. If you think there are grey areas that's a sign you might be a rape apologist.

Just wanted to go back to this
When there are false accusations of rape it's either revenge for being used or dumped or the girl has a boyfriend and wants to distance herself from consensual sex.
Actually the CPS report into false allegations found most false accusations were made by women who were mentally ill and often didn't name an attacker. Usually they had been raped, but at a different time and by someone else.

All the women sharing their stories Flowers
Sadly I don't think it changes these creeps mind because they are far too invested in any potential ramifications to mens liberty to rape to actually to listen to other humans Sad

Marbleheadjohnson · 21/10/2016 17:12

These men that "didn't want to rape" are trying to distinguish between "rape" and "well I wanted to have sex with her and I did it, I'm not sure if she was reciprocating", when there is no distinction. It is the would-be rapist's responsibility to ensure that the other person wants to have sex. If you are unsure, you stop. If you carry on without checking, you do not have consent. That makes you rapey, and that is your fault, not their fault for not telling you to stop when you are the one doing the attacking.

WittyCakeMeister · 21/10/2016 17:15

I think rape is disgusting, I already said that. No excuses. But it needs to definitely be rape.

DeleteOrDecay · 21/10/2016 17:17

So what counts as 'definitely rape' in your book then?

starboyz · 21/10/2016 17:18

It is just typical victim blaming.

WittyCakeMeister · 21/10/2016 17:21

The female tells him to stop or verbally says something to show she does not want it to happen. Or she physically shows it, so that she man has to use physical pressure to have sex (holding down, forcing apart legs, whatever). Or she's crying or turning away, or pushing him away/trying to get away. Anything that basically says 'no'.
I don't think it's rape if a girl goes along with it - touches him back, says encouraging things. I believe a girl could say and do that, but then think she still showed she didn't want to. I've done it myself.

Felascloak · 21/10/2016 17:22

Great post marble.

DeleteOrDecay · 21/10/2016 17:24

So if the victim is drugged, passed out drunk, or asleep then by your (flawed) logic that wouldn't count as rape because they wouldn't be seen to be 'fight back' in some way?

Fucks sake.

DeleteOrDecay · 21/10/2016 17:24

*fighting back

WittyCakeMeister · 21/10/2016 17:26

No I don't think that/ Stop trying to demonise me please.
I think that if she's drugged, drunk, etc. Then that's definitely rape. Both have to be consenting.

DeleteOrDecay · 21/10/2016 17:28

Did you know that if a victim does fight back, and hurts the perpetrator in some way. If the rape case gets to court and he gets found not guilty, he can then press charges for gbh.

How fucked up is that?

And people wonder why women don't fight back.

TaraCarter · 21/10/2016 17:30

Let's just hope your sons never get accused of rape that they feel they are innocent of, because some of you are going to believe he is a rapist, because it's that black and white in your minds

I'm more concerned that they will get raped. Approximately 12,000 men are raped a year in the UK, according to Rape Crisis. When we add on the figures on children's abuse, the risk is even higher.

Being accused of rape? Tiny.

DeleteOrDecay · 21/10/2016 17:31

No one's trying to demonise you. We are just trying to get you to see how fundamentally wrong and damaging views like yours are.

toomanypetals · 21/10/2016 17:31

I don't buy it sorry. It's truly horrendous, what a woman goes through, when she tries to convict a man of rape.

How many woman would go through that falsely?

Not fucking many

Felascloak · 21/10/2016 17:33

I don't think it's rape if a girl goes along with it - touches him back, says encouraging things. I believe a girl could say and do that, but then think she still showed she didn't want to. I've done it myself.
If that happened then the man wouldn't face any charges because he could reasonably believe she consented.
But really, what on earth would motivate a woman to do that? It's a massive stretch and I believe that doesn't happen.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 17:33

I don't think it's rape if a girl goes along with it.

Said the rape apologist.

Who was also wrong about the legal definition of rape.

It's just that she thought a lot of rapes were basically OK.

Only the ones she personally considered "disgusting" counted as real rapes.

She didn't care about all the reasons why women "go along" with being raped.

She needed them to be put in maximum danger so that the rapists she approved of could continue to get away with their rapes.

WittyCakeMeister · 21/10/2016 17:35

No I did not know that Delete .There are more subtle signs than fighting back though, that a man must respect. Look I have been absolutely lynched on here for disagreeing on a tiny point. We agree 95%.

The only think I disagree on is that I think a woman can show mixed signals. She can join in physically and show lots of positive signs about having sex AND show negative signs too. I think that is a possibility. I've done it myself - in my head I've not wanted to have sex and given mixed signals. I can understand that a woman may interpret that as rape after the event. I think each rape case is potentially so different and needs to be treated as such. In that kind of case, it may well be rape from her point of view. But I do think it could be difficult for a man to read signs in certain circumstances. And I'm not talking about horrible racists who set out to abuse - of course in most rape cases there was clear intent.

Despite the vile bullying comments I've received, I'm not going to be intimidated and apologise for holding that view. I don't think it means I'm a bad person.

Felascloak · 21/10/2016 17:39

Oh I think I know who you are witty.
Look I feel bad for you that you've been through that experience. Someone who's been coerced has still been raped. Someone who's gone along with their partner to keep the peace is at very least being emotionally abused if not raped. It isn't normal and you don't need to put up with it.

WittyCakeMeister · 21/10/2016 17:42

Doinitfine - I'm a very strong person and don't think for one second that your words (which purposefully misunderstand me) have any affect on me what so ever.

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