Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
Libitina · 20/10/2016 22:14

£850 wouldn't be so bad if you had a proper tenancy contract to protect yourself OP.
However, I do think this is the time to stand back and take a long hard look at him and your relationship.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2016 22:16

Exactly honey it's supposed to be a loving partnership, not a business transaction. in op situation, if I have understood correctly, op partner does not pay any bills (so no bill splitting involved, or mortgage),. Therefore as a loving partner, does he not want her to benefit, Mabey she pays for food and broadband say, so op contributes in a minimal way, not fleecing her for 850 a month!

venusinscorpio · 20/10/2016 22:17

Indeed user, his living costs will go down because they will be shared.

HolgerDanske · 20/10/2016 22:19

He would no longer be my 'D'P. How rude and horrible and mercenary.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2016 22:27

In addition he was being ver merenary about it, researching the market rate, asking op unwittingly, very sneaky. Sorry this is not a loving partner op.

Penhacked · 20/10/2016 22:28

"Market rate" for the area is bollocks though really, isn't it? Because you didnt choose this house, it is just where he happens to live. Just like you wouldn't be able to choose the furniture, or even which side of the bed is yours, or whether to put up a picture. I wouldn't even want to pay half someone's mortgage, as the 'lodger' always gets the shitty end of the stick. Much better to both move somewhere new. Right choice, OP. I don't like his attitude towards you at all.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 20/10/2016 22:31

sorry your relationship has hit such a dodgy point OP :(

acatcalledjohn · 20/10/2016 22:38

Somerset, are you being deliberately obtuse?

Only offering to split bills means she is quids in by not paying any rent or mortgage?

Moving in together means you share what you have. Not charge the other half rent, and most certainly not market rate! One of the benefits of living together is that you don't have two lots of rent/mortgage going out for separate accommodation. So why should she continue to pay as much as she is now in return for only shared space, and a relationship?

FFS, I live with my DP and his mortgage is higher than my bills (not by too much). However, he earns quite a lot more, and has equity in this place. I don't, but by paying the bills I save him approx £300/month which he can put towards his mortgage, and we get to live together. I also get to save, meaning that in the future we can buy a place TOGETHER.

If he charged me market rate rent and half the bills then I would have run a mile be paying approx £500-£600 for an average size double room in a house share. A one bed flat round here is upwards of £800/month, ex bills. Equally, if DP lived here on his own his bills would go up to approx £800/month, as opposed to his current £450/month. So he benefits from me being here as it is.

OPs DP would also benefit by not plundering this trust fund as much. So why would he need market rate rent? He should get a lodger if he wants that.

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 22:45

What is the market rate for half a bed in which you are expected to shag your landlord?

Is there much of a market for that?

fatsowhale · 20/10/2016 22:57

How old is he? Could it be that he's just young and a bit crass and hasn't really thought this through?

HillaryFTW · 20/10/2016 23:06

OP has stated that they had a discûssion about costs and came up with a figure of £300 as approx half the bills. She then gave notice.

Out of the blue, her P upped this to £850 and then was surprised she was upset.

He also has no bills or rental expenses and berated her for not saving £1.5k a month like him.

As he's obviously so wealthy, he doesn't seem to have absorbed that a decision which works at £300 a month may not work at £850.

He has treated OP very badly because he has a prince-like disconnect with what things cost.

0dfod · 20/10/2016 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/10/2016 23:26

He is upset with me for suggesting he might be trying to make money out of me.

= He's upset you've sussed him (and the being 'upset' might be genuine or it might be a tactic to make you feel bad/fall into line and cave into his demands)

There's no 'might' about it, he has no mortgage and no bills to pay, all of that £850 (along with the rest of his salary) would go straight into his back pocket.

I'm really sorry user1476961324, but the more you post, his response to you saying no etc just makes it look like a no go for a future with him, unless he really has an epiphany. There's a ton of very sad threads on here with similar men with sahps - begrudging shoes for their children but buying £20 bottles of wine for themselves (yeah that's an actual thread). I wouldn't want to be at the mercy of a man like that. You're going to have to look after number one because he certainly is.

goatkid · 20/10/2016 23:52

I actually agree with the minority. Why shouldn't you pay something to him in rent? Market rent is a bit steep but whether he is profiting off this or paying it off his mortgage, I don't honestly see the difference. That's his business. Perhaps I'm biased, I live in my DPs house. I pay rent. Below market rent but still a reasonable amount. What and how that money gets spent is up to him. I'm happy with this, I couldn't live rent free anywhere else so why would I here? Hoping I don't get a hard time now for going against the grain....

RepentAtLeisure · 21/10/2016 00:01

He is quoting a local 'market rent', not the actual cost to him.

Then he needs to understand that local market rent is for an independent person renting a room in a house. There is no market rent for sharing your partner's bed in their home, and I'd be amazed if he could find one!

Foslady · 21/10/2016 00:09

Sorry breaking all the rules as I haven't RTFT fully but it comes across to me as 'I love you so much I'll let you pay almost £10k to live here and fuck me'Hmm.
It's one thing paying your way, it's another being a cash cow....

Theoretician · 21/10/2016 00:42

I don't think either OP or her other half are trying to rip their partner off financially. I think they merely have different conceptions of where financial neutrality lies. She has explained this difference to herself as him ripping her off. She needs to see if she can re-interpret it in terms of applying different models of fairness and different understandings of financial matters. If she can reinterpret things that way, then she must realise that her wrong initial interpretation has unfairly insulted him, and apologise. (It's not clear if he thinks she is trying to rip him off by wanting to pay less than he is now asking, it doesn't sound like it, but if he has said that, he must also apologise, as he's made the same mistake.)

I think his conception of fairness would be valid in a different context, but is not appropriate to a long-term relationship. On the other hand, as I posted earlier, I think her understanding of finance is simplistic and wrong. So the gap between them is due to shortcomings on both sides.

OP has said that she is willing to pay her own way, which given that she has overall lesser means, is actually more generous than someone in a relationship needs to be. Paying your own way makes sense in a friends sharing a home context, because when the possibility of both doing so breaks down, it can be resolved by going your separate ways. A long-term relationship needs a formula that can survive ups and downs, for example either party losing their job. Under such more appropriate formulas it's reasonable and normal for there always to be some subsidy of the less well-off partner.

I think both need to back up, discuss what formula should apply to a relationship, in particular she needs to back-pedal on her theoretical willingness to pay half of costs, and spell out why a pay-your-own-way formula is not appropriate if you plan to be together through thick and thin.

If he agrees to a more appropriate formula, any difference of financial understanding could be resolved by imagining that his home wasn't owned by him, and that they were going to buy or rent it together. They could then work out what each would pay and get under one of those hypothetical scenarios, if the agreed formula were applied, and work backwards from there to ensure both are in the correct position in the actual scenario. (Alternatively, as hypothetical scenarios leave lots of room for argument about what hypothetical rents or mortgage costs would be, they could do what many people have advocated and buy somewhere else together. If he sold or let out his current property, the capital/income from that would be counted when weighing up his contribution to the new joint home.)

CheerfulYank · 21/10/2016 00:51

Somerset you can't be serious?!

Anyway, leaving that for now, whoever said he sounds very much "yours and mine" is right. And if that's the case DON'T DO IT.

One of my best friends is married to a man like this and it's ridiculous. Everything is checks and balances and what's "fair" even though to my mind fair does not always mean equal.

Her doctor has told her to put their DS in nursery one morning a week when she isn't working to have time for herself to reduce her stress and anxiety. Her DH won't "let" her as he works all days, etc. She'll throw a birthday party for the children and he'll ask how much it costs and put her on a budget. She has budgets for the DC's clothing. She used to 'owe' him rent. When she discussed wanting to stay home before their first child was born he said only if they split it for two and half years each exactly. (Since the child would go to school at five.) He had no real desire to be a SAHD, it's just what was FAIR and what had to be done. In case you couldn't tell I'm not fond of him. Wink

I couldn't live that way. We just have one big account and that's that. If we can't trust each other to make decent financial decisions for the good of the family we're dead in the water anyway.

laurenandsophie · 21/10/2016 01:03

OP, you sound like a catch, he sounds like he's deliberately clueless about why this isn't a great indication of a solid longterm relationship. Confused

Trifleorbust · 21/10/2016 04:54

The main problem here isn't whether he is technically within his rights to charge rent; the problem is he is clearly tight as a duck's arse. He doesn't need the money, he wants it. And you are his partner, so it is inappropriate to treat you like a potential tenant. It sets the wrong tone for your relationship going forward. I would tell him I wasn't ready to move in on those terms and revisit the issue in 6 months. At that point, I would expect a breakdown of what living in the flat actually costs, and would be happy to pay half of that. If he still objected, I would be reconsidering the relationship tbh.

DontMindMe1 · 21/10/2016 05:15

Not sure if I see the relationship going anywhere. I've made it clear we aren't going to live together. So probably not good news

I'm glad to hear you're not moving in with him.

I think you've got yourself a man-child, OP.
He has no concept and no real experience of paying bills, budgeting etc.
He's lucky to be so privileged but it sounds like all the financial planning/administration work is left to someone else - his wage is pure 'fun money'.
You'd have to 'mother' him in that respect.

If he was serious about committing to you he would be able to have an honest discussion about finances.
He's just not mature enough to co-habit with a partner - he can't even understand the difference between partner and tenant for ffs!
He's only thinking about himself and protecting his assets.

NoobThebrave · 21/10/2016 05:54

😳 oh my!! I have helped arrange a companion for an elderly lady and it costs £20 an hour, her cleaner is £10 an hour. As previously mention a top end escort will be significantly more........ I would prepare an invoice, could be a nice little earner ;)..... Or maybe just get your own place 💐

DancingPenguin1 · 21/10/2016 06:31

When my (now) DH and I first got together he moved into my tiny house, I was paying a mortgage which was quite large for me at the time. However, it didn't even occur to me to charge him rent, he didn't even contribute to bills. I wanted him there not his money. I earned more than him so had more disposable income. He put money away each month in savings. After a few years we bought a house together and he started contributing them as it was ours rather than mine.
In your dp's situation there's no way I'd charge, though paying half bills / food / up keep is fair. I wouldn't move in if I were you either.

scaryclown · 21/10/2016 06:56

I went for a group meal with a guy like this. He ensured before we ordered that we would split the bill 'to make it easier'. a scan of the menu showed most dishes being broadly the same price he made sure he ordered last, and got something £20 more than anyone elses. I twigged his game immediately and said 'if you are goung to do that, i'll have the same as you'. He lectured me on how unreasonable and grabby that was!! soon i convinced everyone to do it and he was fucking livid that he hadnt mamaged to do better than anyone else from the deal, even though. he both got what he wanted and paid for what he got. His lecture was along the lines of me trying to get more out of it than was 'natural'.

Latee i found out he had a big house which he lived in on his own, and would do this sort of thing regularly.and never spend money unless forced to..and lectured everyone on how he 'was just better with money' but he was always riding on the shared spending of friends. If course he sort of 'wins' but its a weird sort of win.

OldBootNewBoots · 21/10/2016 07:08

did you hear Mike Atherton's anecdote about David Gower? Gower had a wealthy background and used to encourage people to drink fine wine and then bill them for their share of it which usually turned out to be extortionate. Op, I'm glad you've stood up for yourself and sad for you that he's turned out to be less Darcy and more Delboy. I hope you're doing alright. I agree with the person that said he's a spoiled prince and better to get out now.