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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 20/10/2016 18:49

I would not move in with him and play hard to get until we were married.

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 18:50

All the people claiming the OP wants to be subsidised: under this proposed arrangement, she is poorer and her boyfriend is richer. What do you have to say about that?

It sounds like the people who think it is dreadful that a poorer person might in any way benefit grom the wealth of a wealthier person, even if that benefit creates no loss at all for the wealthy one believe that rich people are better than poor people.

If you believe the OP and her boyf to be equally worthwhile people, you think that his good fortune in being rich is something he should be happy to share the benefits of when that creates no downside for him.

Only if you think his good fortune in being rich makes him superior to a poorer girlfriend do you become offended at the idea that the poorer girlfriend coukd benefit from his wealth.

If both are equal, and no loss is incurred by him, her good luck is just a happy side effect of their decusion to live together.

If he is superior by fint of being richer, then steps must be taken to prevent an inferior being from gaining from his wealth.

If they are equal her benefit harms nobody. If she is inferior her benefit offends the order of things.

That's why is is pulling a dick move here.

He is saying that she must pay £850 a month to maintain his higher status.

He is not willing to share his luck with her, even though he claims to love herm

chowchowchow · 20/10/2016 18:50

Wow, run for the hills!!!

Ciutadella · 20/10/2016 18:52

Had you and dp (before this latest proposal) discussed what moving together 'means' for you as a couple? Does it mean that you see yourselves staying together long-term, possibly getting married?

Or is it more a casual thing - we like each other so why not live together but it's neither likely nor unlikely that we'll be together long term? If it's the second scenario, I could see more of a case for you paying rent, though not this much perhaps.

£850 is a lot - could be mortgage payments (as I'm sure you know!) Do you have any prospect of buying your own place, or buying with a friend? If so that might give you more security.

If it weren't for the 'issues' that have now arisen, one way to do this might have been for dp to rent out the flat, and you both to have bought somewhere jointly (possibly in unequal shares if he has more of a deposit - trust fund might provide!?). That might have addressed his concerns about protecting his assets (which I think are reasonable concerns, and which most people would advise a woman were reasonable) while not disadvantaging you.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/10/2016 18:53

So if you split up, he's going to issue you notice, in accordance with your contract and you will then live out your notice period in your own room, in his flat, quite possibly while one of you is in the throes of a new relationship?

Yeaaah.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 20/10/2016 18:53

Tell him to jog on ..,
Partnerships are not about capitalising out if each other ... he isn't even close to the concept of a partnership.

ClopySow · 20/10/2016 18:53

Fucking hell. No.

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 18:55

Yes exactly doinitfine

It's not like I expect him to pay for all sorts of fripperies, I just don't think I should be expected to pay for sunk costs.

leveraging assets to get meximum return is one thing, but not when it comes to your partner!

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 20/10/2016 18:56

For children, I hear you charge them by weight, so it goes up steadily as they get older
I tell you what OP you have got a cracking sense of humour and you sound like a nice sensible lady, are you sure that you couldn't find someone who would suits you better than your current BF?

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 18:57

Yes we intend on being together long term - I wouldn't consider moving in with him otherwise.

I wonder when I would stop paying it? Would I pay it forever I wonder?!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/10/2016 18:58

This is not him being strange about money.

This is him showing his true colours when it comes to how he sees your relationship.

Hope you are running for the hills/can't be seen for dust, etc.
And don't look back.

notinagreatplace · 20/10/2016 19:00

The way I'd see this is -

You not having to pay rent in your current place saves you money. That saving should be shared between you - I don't really see why only you should benefit or why you should benefit so much more than him, both of you should be better off as a result of you moving in. So, basically, I'd split the amount that you're currently paying in half.

I think some people are getting thrown off by the amount here - £850 including bills isn't that much in London, there is no way you could live on your own for that and it would in no way be enough.

I am also a bit bemused by the posters claiming that the boyfriend here will be getting a live-in maid/sex worker - I would certainly hope that a) housework will be shared and b) that all sex is wanted by both parties...

SeaEagleFeather · 20/10/2016 19:02

Yes we intend on being together long term

Do you still intend this? Because he's looking like a bloody nightmare atm

First he demands this weird rent (after you've given notice, mind you) and then he takes it badly when you say no.

You might want to start guarding your heart here. He's not sounding good at all.

Ciutadella · 20/10/2016 19:03

Well that's a good point user, if he would discuss it (which he won't - another not particularly good sign) it would be a very good question - how long do I pay? till I've been here 6 months? married? dc?

MN has taught me that it can be difficult when there are significant differences in wealth/income - and for the better off one to want to protect herself is generally applauded when it is a woman. For example if you were renting somewhere together, and dp's rent was paid from a trust fund I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to pay 50%. But that is not this situation.

Actually going back to the beginning of this post, if dp won't discuss difficult issues that is quite a problem.

In practice, what will you do now? Go and rent somewhere else, or try to withdraw your notice on your current place?

Pickled0nions · 20/10/2016 19:04

Sounds like my mums BF who charges her £2.50 for using the shower

PersianCatLady · 20/10/2016 19:04

pre ups aren't always as concrete as you'd think
Prenups are not strictly enforceable in the UK.

The divorce court has the power to redistribute a family’s assets as they see fit so as to bring about equality between the couple.

Although prenuptial agreements are now legally binding unless considered to be unfair by the court, they can and are still reversed by divorce courts.

Rainbunny · 20/10/2016 19:05

If you like him enough to live with him OP, I'd suggest a counter-offer. Basically as you're going to be sharing a bedroom with him I'd offer to pay $400 a month and split bills and save the other $450 to go towards a deposit for a future house... your own house I mean. That way you both get a benefit from you moving in with him. Otherwise rent your own place.

He has a flat that he owns and is paid for through a trust - that means even if you got married you will never have a legal interest in the property unless he specifically takes steps to legally add you (and he doesn't sound like the kind of man who would want to do that) so if down the line you split up you would be better off if you had your own property investment. Sorry -a bit grim to talk about splitting up but practical to think about.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/10/2016 19:06

If you were committed to a future together, or thought you might be, you could pay half rent into a joint savings account, as savings towards a deposit on a future house together. If you split up it's divided equally.

You're only getting half a bedroom after all and this gives you some benefit of the no-rent flat in the meantime.

melibu84 · 20/10/2016 19:06

notinagreatplace

"don't really see why only you should benefit or why you should benefit so much more than him, both of you should be better off as a result of you moving in"

what are you on, she said he owns the place outright, and all the bills are paid by a family trust. Why should she pay money for rent. I could understand contributing towards the bills, but it sounds like he is trying to make money off her.

OP, please seriously consider this relationship now before you move in. If this is his attitude towards money, I'd hate to think of what he'd be like in the future.

PersianCatLady · 20/10/2016 19:06

Sounds like my mums BF who charges her £2.50 for using the shower
What??

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 19:07

both of you should be better off as a result of you moving in.

Indeed.

And the ways they should be better off shoukd be to do with theur mutual happiness and growing love.

The fact that neither of them would have rebt to pay is a collateral benefit. Not the main purpose.

He already gains plenty from owning a Lindon property outright.

He is significantly wealthier than his girlfriend.

Needing to benefit financially from her moving in is just weird and niggardly.

ChinUpChestOut · 20/10/2016 19:08

Put your Nikes on and don't look back. Shock

There's better than him out there. And cheaper, too.

NoSquirrels · 20/10/2016 19:09

Gosh. If he's refusing to discuss it then that's pretty awful, considering you have already given up your current place to live. Leaving aside the actual financial split and who it benefits, he's effectively (even if he doesn't realise it yet) forcing you to agree to his plan or be homeless. Which is a pretty bad abuse of power.

Once he is ready to talk, you need to discover:

  1. Has this idea come about because he/his family prudently want to avoid you gaining a preferencial financial interest in the property?

  2. If so, how could this be resolved without you paying £850 "market rent" which is blatantly unfair and not the going rate for a shared room anyway.

  3. Is this a temporary measure or a permanent one? i.e. where does he see your relationship going in the future? Is moving in together a test to see if you are compatible and will go forward towards marriage/more commitment like buying a property together in due course (at which point whatever legal assurance signed about the property will become null & void and you'll become 50-50 partners, or does he not see himself ever giving up the trust advantages and all finances always remaining separate forevermore.

I liked the suggestion of the savings account with the "rent" in it, which becomes yours 100% if you split up, but which would become 50% his at the point you moved onto a more equal footing with the flat.

Hope you're OK, OP. I would be pretty upset myself if DP had pulled anything like this. Flowers

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 19:11

Sounds like my mums BF who charges her £2.50 for using the shower

£2.50! Why so much? Even in camping sites it's usually only 20p. Does she get a selection of premium soaps and fresh towels for the £2.50?

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 20/10/2016 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.