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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
WindPowerRanger · 20/10/2016 18:07

I have come across one or two people from very wealthy families who had a kind of siege mentality where they worried everyone was out for some of their money. One friend of a friend was so intent on not being ripped off that she would obsess about things being fair to an extreme degree. Like having a notebook where she wrote down everything she did or lent so she could make sure she was repaid in cash or kind. Think asking for the 45p back that she lent when you didn't have change. She wouldn't let anyone treat her in case it was a scheme to get something out of her later. I wonder if OP's DP has got a touch of that?

The problem with his suggestion (apart from overpricing what she is being offered) is that the OP has no security, because she isn't going to be a tenant with a proper tenancy agreement and, because she will have no money left to build up her own capital or make investments. It's pretty disappointing that he hasn't considered the OP's interests here.

Rainbunny · 20/10/2016 18:08

He's not doing anything wrong per se but I wouldn't do it myself if I were in your position OP. I don't know why exactly but it just seems to create an imbalance in your relationship, plus I doubt he is thinking of giving you your own room despite the fact that he wants you to pay a market rate. Honestly I think I would rather maintain my independence in your shoes and rent my own place. I don't know if you want to get married one day or not but I didn't move in with my DH until we got engaged - not for old fashioned reasons just me being cautious and timing of lease terms.

PersianCatLady · 20/10/2016 18:09

Paying 'rent' could also give her a claim on the property
If she is paying market rent and he buys a £10 AST from WHSmith and gets it signed to start a LL & T relationship it is very unlikely that she would get any where if she tried to make a claim on the house.

I think that from the outside he wants to make it look like a financial and legal relationship based on LL & T and not a romantic relationship and that is why he was so concerned about finding out what the market rent was.

Scarydinosaurs · 20/10/2016 18:14

If he is so hung up on charging the market rate- check the going rate for a SHARED ROOM in London. You don't get your own bloody bed with his arrangement!

Paying for a shared room is significantly cheaper than £850 a month. Tight prick.

littlemissangrypants · 20/10/2016 18:14

This whole deal seems pretty shit for OP. She gets half a bed and she gets to cook and clean her boyfriends house. Oh and hand over her wages.
Her boyfriend on the other hand gets money, a live-in maid and cook and he gets to shag her whenever he fancies. What's even better is that when he gets bored or if she doesn't do the housework the way he likes or stops putting out he can just throw her out on the street.
Don't do it unless you are sure you can escape if you need to. Once you are trapped it's bloody hard to get out.

YelloDraw · 20/10/2016 18:15

But in effect OP is going to pool everything, as she's perfectly willing to pay half of all expenses. Or are you suggesting that she should pay more than half purely because she earns more? How does that work if she loses her job or moves to one on much lower pay

Well the 'MN conch sous' usually is that lower earning woman shouldn't pay half and thee constitution should be in proportion to their wages.... Which I think it billshit in a 'young' relationship.

mamalovesmojitos · 20/10/2016 18:16

If I were you, I'd be seriously rethinking this relationship op. You can do better!

Bluesrunthegame · 20/10/2016 18:16

This man has given you a little glimpse of his soul. It's similar to that of Ebenezer Scrooge pre-Christmas ghost visits. Now head for the hills, you do not want this mean man in your life. Remember that those who are mean financially are often mean-spirited, you should be glad you found him out before you made any commitment to him.

venusinscorpio · 20/10/2016 18:17

I just don't think he is viewing the OP as a serious romantic partner. I don't think moving into a person's current home as a couple works unless you feel that you can completely treat it as your own home, share all costs and have a say in decor etc. So for me it's starting a serious commitment off on a weird, unequal footing.

Hillfarmer · 20/10/2016 18:21

I think Theoretician should definitely end his relationship with his obnoxious wife.

Unless she has many fine qualities that he hasn't mentioned.

NoooorthonerMum · 20/10/2016 18:24

WTF????!!!! If he wants to rent out the room for £850 let him get a roommate. If he wants a partner to share his life with then he can get half of the bills paid and an equal share of the rent/mortgage (if he pays nothing to that you pay nothing).

RichardBucket · 20/10/2016 18:30

All the people claiming the OP wants to be subsidised: under this proposed arrangement, she is poorer and her boyfriend is richer. What do you have to say about that?

Ciutadella · 20/10/2016 18:31

Have you discussed future plans op? If you're moving in as a possible precursor to getting married it would seem strange to be charged this much. On the other hand I am trying to put myself in his position (hard to imagine!) and perhaps I would feel that the 'gain' of your not paying rent could be shared - but in that case you would pay £425ish (about 50% of what you would pay somewhere else).

Have to admit I am not sure what the fair outcome is, or what mn would advise a woman who was in your dp's position - which is a very unusual one!

FannyCabbage · 20/10/2016 18:36

That's a bit of a red flag for me and definitely a little grabby. How does that compare to what you pay now?

venusinscorpio · 20/10/2016 18:36

I think Theoretician needs to stop projecting and sort out his own issues.

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 18:37

Yes, it is a bizzare situation.

Particularly as he sees no reason why this is an issue.

Possible siege mentality as mentioned - it's a good way of checking I'm not a freeloader. But as we have been together a while that is already probably obvious to him...

No idea what he plans on using the money for however!

OP posts:
pleasethankyouthankyouplease · 20/10/2016 18:37

For £850 you might be able to live by yourself. That's quite nice !!! I'd enjoy that before kids . Yes if you move in you should pay a reasonable and fair amount of the costs . But he seems to think you're going to be his source of income . Is he worth it? Sorry if it sounds harsh .

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 18:39

No problem with sounding harsh, no point seeking advice unless you get honest replies.

The sum he is asking for is similar to what I pay now - I think that is how he settled on the number.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 20/10/2016 18:41

I think you should go along with this complete insanity , have a couple of kids with him and then report back to us lot on whether he charges his progeny rent too and at what rate. Grin

meg54 · 20/10/2016 18:42

It does seem odd. Speak to him as to why he is proposing this - it may be he is getting incorrect advice about you being able to claim part of the property if you split up. Common law marraige has no legal standing but many people still think it allows 'the wife' a claim.
He also needs to understand that renting also comes with obligations. He will need to declare any rent as taxable income, and comply with the long long list of landlord regulations.
If you value the relationship and think you have a future with this guy, (assuming there has been nothing in the past to indicate he is a tightarse), have a conversation with him, and suggest he talks to the trustees.
Half the bills seems reasonable to me.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/10/2016 18:45

What scarydinosaurs is saying is correct and telling you're paying £850 for a shared room ffs! You should be paying half that if anything so £425.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 20/10/2016 18:46

"TBF in my 30s after 2 years with someone I'd be expecting a marriage proposal if that was what I wanted"

Sadly, I agree with the poster who wrote the above :(

SuperFlyHigh · 20/10/2016 18:47

Would you continue the relationship knowing this info OP? I know my answer for me

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 18:48

I don't think anyone is worth it, if doing something feels wrong.

He is refusing to discuss it at all, so haven't got any further explanation/justification yet.

For children, I hear you charge them by weight, so it goes up steadily as they get older.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 20/10/2016 18:49

Thisis heck yeah! Perhaps he thinks a future spouse would divorce him for half his inheritance and despite what most people think pre ups aren't always as concrete as you'd think.

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