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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 15:39

And tell me Theoretician, how much do you charge your DP to live in your property?

I mean, it’s interesting you have a different viewpoint, but can you explain it beyond the cold hard financial metrics?

He is no worse off by be being there, actually better off because I can pay some money towards bills. The additional £500+ will go in his pocket (actually all of it will, as he doesn’t pay the bills out of his own pocket, but for arguments sake).

OP posts:
AntiHop · 20/10/2016 15:39

I'm sorry op. you're just about to move in with someone that you love and they suddenly show you their true colours. That must be tough.

For me, this would be a deal breaker for me.

dowhatnow · 20/10/2016 15:41

Op what do you think to my idea above?

SuperFlyHigh · 20/10/2016 15:41

I'll give you an example OP - friend had been with her boyfriend for about 1 year to 18 months when they moved in - he got a mortgage with a guarantor mortgage and huge deposit help from his parents, large house in London and he rented out 2 rooms to friends to help with paying back his parents/mortgage.

She lived there but shared bills and got all food or got the vast majority of the food for the both of them.

That's how it should be.

when they broke up she moved out.

RB68 · 20/10/2016 15:41

Ok I don't have a problem with the idea of a contribution to the cost of housing for myself provided I have a choice of accommodation and some influence over what money is spent on bills and food etc.

However I would pay the owner of the property - ie the trust not him for the house and pay from my own pocket whilst in the shop and expect to see the bills when they come in.

I would also expect my own room in the property not a shared room etc

I suspect he is a trust fund baby that overspends for some reason or is peed off about his lack of access to the funds and this is his way of gaining funds from the trust indirectly.

I would always want to pay my way but in an open honest and upfront way that truly reflects the cost of what you receive. In this case it should be based on the absolute cost not the market rate as there is no market rate for a shared bed and room ie he could never market it as such. There fore there is no demand and no market.

He sounds utterly clueless financially so I would be bargepoling him - ie keeping him at one end of a barge pole

SuperFlyHigh · 20/10/2016 15:43

also this way he quite easily shoves you out of the equation say if you wanted to buy your own flat etc as an investment. because the vast majority of your 'rent' is going into his pockets for him to do what he wants with it.

Theoretician · 20/10/2016 15:44

Ha ha! "You can't argue with me, because I am telling you I am correct".

No you are misunderstanding me. When you have an argument, you push words around to arrive at a conclusion. You can only do this if you agree what the words mean in the first place. I am telling you what the word subsidy means, to me, as a prelude to making an argument that leads to a conclusion.

Actually, you can disagree that that is what subsidy means, if you like. In which case, let's just make a up a new word XYZ which we'll agree means giving someone something in return for a payment of less than it's worth. Then in your head just translate "subsidy" to XYZ wherever I've written it. It won't make any difference to the validity of the conclusion.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/10/2016 15:44

Don't move in.

As others have said - is he planning to give you a contract, register as a landlord, pay the extra on insurance etc?
Why does he want you to move in with him - for your own sake or for the money?
Is he thinking that by sharing without charging rent you get some kind of rights over the property?

Too many questions to be answered before you should consider moving in.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/10/2016 15:44

I have just seen (can't see how I did miss this!) that he doesn't pay bills as paid for him...

typical spoiled trust fund baby!

that's even worse as he has no idea of cost of living re bills! he needs a reality check.

are you sure he doesn't gamble/have a drink/drugs problem etc?

Goldenhandshake · 20/10/2016 15:47

This man (I use that term loosely), is telling you exactly who he is. Listen to him.

Then decide if that is the kind of person you wish to share a life with.

eddielizzard · 20/10/2016 15:47

£850 would be for a whole room. you're only getting half a room: half a bed plus a couple of draws and some hanging space. therefore £425. you win because it'll be lower than you're used to paying, he wins because he gets £425.

but to be frank, i wouldn't want to be with someone who would want to squeeze me for whatever he could.

Spice22 · 20/10/2016 15:50

Hmm
Sounds tonne like the OP wants to be subsidised. If you would usually pay more than £1000 then £850 is doing you a favour !
Personally, I would think he should charge half the market rate (£450 - £500) seeing as you will be sharing one bedroom and chores.
Also, so what if it's going to his pocket? If you don't pay rent, then the money you are saving is going into your pocket? And I think you have less right to that 'money in your pocket' as you don't own the asset.
Just because the mortgage and bills have been taken care of FOR HIM does not release you from your adult responsibilities.
By all means , get your own place or mortgage but don't make him out to be grabby when , in fact, it is you expecting to live rent free/be heavily subsidised.
If concerned for your future, why don't you sit down and ask what will happen in five years/ when married/ when you have children? If he charges you half the market rate then you can save the rest for a deposit of your own or just save for security.

In short, YABU by expecting to be subsidised and in the same breath implying he is being grabby.

bluebell9 · 20/10/2016 15:50

My DP moved in with me and pays half the bills, shopping etc.

I have a mortgage but I pay all of that as its my mortgage and if we split up, the house would still be all mine. I wouldn't use him living with me as a way of making money which is what it sounds your boyfriend wants to do.

harderandharder2breathe · 20/10/2016 15:51

Yanbu

Paying half the bills is fair, and if that included rent or mortgage it would be fair to pay your share of that. But his only costs are bills which you've already offered to split.

Spice22 · 20/10/2016 15:51

Also mumsnet can be hypocritical sometimes. If the OP was a man, he would be called a cocklodger and you would be getting told to protect your assets and not subsidise him. You can search these previous threads for more balanced opinions.

2kids2dogsnosense · 20/10/2016 15:53

Run like the wind op and don't look back.

^^^THIS!!!!!^^^^

What a wanker!

DeleteOrDecay · 20/10/2016 15:55

I can't see anywhere that implies the op wants to be subsidisedConfused

MissHooliesCardigan · 20/10/2016 15:55

What a tosser. I cannot bear meanness and I can't believe that there are posters (not many, admittedly) who think that this is ok. If he's in a decent job and has no rent or mortgage to pay, which is most people's biggest outgoing, then he must be pretty comfortably off and now he wants £850 a month from his girlfriend? I totally agree that people need to protect their finances when in a relationship but it's awful to be trying to make a healthy profit out of someone you supposedly love. My niece wants to study in London but is put off by the cost. We are in the extremely fortunate position of having a house in London with a spare room and no mortgage and we have told her that she's more than welcome to stay with us. I would be fine with her just making a small contribution to bills and food but BIL and SIL are insistent that she pays something in rent as that's how the real world works but there is no way it will be anything near 'market rates', more like £50 a week as a token gesture.
I'd run a mile if I were you.

Givememorewine · 20/10/2016 15:56

Surely talking about market rent is irrelevant as OP won't be getting her own room?

JellyBelli · 20/10/2016 16:00

Spice22 Yeah riiiiight.
If OP is paying more than it costs to live there, OP is not being subsidised. But I suspect you actually realise that.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2016 16:01

Admit I haven't RTFT (scourges self).

Could there be a legal reason he wants you to pay? Perhaps he (or his family) are concerned you could claim part of the flat as his partner but that if you're paying market rent they could argue that you are a tenant if the relationship goes bust in a few years? Or that it would be easier to evict you as a tenant than as a partner?

category12 · 20/10/2016 16:02

I agree with Eddielizzard about what sounds like a fair price - half a room, half market rent. But this arrangement probably wouldn't give you any of the protections a tenant would have, so actually that still wouldn't be fair and would leave you in a vulnerable position, so to actually be fair ought to be reduced accordingly.

But it sounds like he's got no idea (couldn't even be bothered working out local market rates himself, but pumped you for info?) about real life, but does have an eye for easy money.

But it sounds like this is dead in the water from your posts, so happy house-hunting, op.

Spice22 · 20/10/2016 16:05

Jelly its only more than it costs because he has already taken care of the expenses (via his trust). Anywhere else, OP would have to pay living expenses (market rate) so if she doesn't because she is living with him, she is being subsidised. That's ok if he wants to, but he doesn't and that is his prerogative. If the OP doesn't like that he doesn't want to subsidise her , that's also her choice but it doesn't mean he is in the wrong.

Roseformeplease · 20/10/2016 16:06

Also, is he really offering half? Are you moving in your furniture and having a say in decor? Or are you paying for half a hotel room with a bit of cupboard space but everything belonging to him?

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 16:07

It’s interesting that so many people have raised the legal side i.e. if I bunk down and announce I’m not leaving/demand that I own part of the property etc.

From my side, having no legal means of protection (i.e. no contract) being a problem hadn’t even crossed my mind. He’s my DP – I wouldn’t imagine he would screw me over as his ‘tenant’!

I think we both trust each other not to be dicks…

… I suppose that’s why this has come as a bit of a surprise?

OP posts: