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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving the baby

176 replies

KayTee87 · 20/10/2016 11:35

Aibu or am I being weird I suppose that I don't want to leave my 11 week old baby with anyone other than my husband yet?
I've had a few comments that make me think it's unusual that he's not been looked after by either of his Granny's yet. I don't feel the need for him to be with anyone except one of his parents and I will be back at work full time in 7 months so am enjoying my time with my son. Also I know I wouldn't enjoy being away from him. We visit grandparents with him so they get to see him maybe once a week anyway.

Can I ask when you left your baby to be looked after by someone other than its other parent?

OP posts:
Lifeonthefarm · 20/10/2016 22:53

I presume OP you plan to have some sort of graduated period of 'leaving' DC with whoever will be caring from DC when you work, nearer the time prior to going back?

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 20/10/2016 23:06

We have a 6 year old a 4 year old and a 1 year old, we would both rather they were with one of us unless there was an important reason. We would never leave them with anyone else just for a break!

WittyCakeMeister · 20/10/2016 23:08

Not wierd, as I'm sure you have your own reasons.

My reasons were - not leaving the baby with my father as I don't trust him, or like his parenting style. My mother really wasn't that bothered about it and would not have really wanted to, because she's a bit selfish like that.

I left the baby with my MIL, but only when she was staying over in our house to give us a bit of a break, inbetween breast feeds. I was also at home in the house at the same time - she wasn't completely on her own with the baby. She also really irritated me, by trying to hold on to the baby longer than she should, not wanting to give it back; until baby was crying like mad for food.

As a new mother, I would have been nervous to leave the baby, in case the carer did not know about the most up-to-date way of caring for them. My MIL is notoriously bad at this - insists on doing things the old-fashioned way, instead of how the NHS now advises. I recognised that these worries were partially irrational, but so what; it's normal for first time mothers to be worried about stuff.

ollieplimsoles · 20/10/2016 23:11

My DD is one next week and she has been away from me for a grand total of four hours...

I didn't plan to be this way, I just find it really hard to leave her. She was so tiny when she was born and I never put her down.

WittyCakeMeister · 20/10/2016 23:11

Also, this is just a phase that will pass. In future you will probably be dying to hand them over, to have a break. I often think 'please somebody take them!! Just for a bit!!!' Enjoy this lovely early phase whilst it lasts :-)

Original poster
KayTee87 · 20/10/2016 23:17

life he will be going to nursery 4/5 days a week, my mum may have him 1 day a week. We will of course do an introduction period at nursery if I haven't insisted on downsizing and irrationally giving up my career before then. I'm sure my mum will have had him by then, I think I might feel ok about leaving him when he's eating solids, sitting up etc. And doesn't just seem so tiny and defenceless.

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 20/10/2016 23:49

I can't quite remember, but I do know that DD1 was born in late September and DH and I left her with my mum for NYE and in the back of my mind I don't think that was the first time. But our local gastro-pub was a 20 minute walk away so even though DD was BF it was possible to walk there and back and have a nice meal in under 3 hours leaving mum with expressed milk -just in case. I do remember leaving the pub immediately after the NYE fireworks which indicates I was anxious about my baby.

Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2016 23:51

You are normal. It is normal not to want to be separated from your baby in the early days, weeks and months, IMHO. But even if you were unusual it doesn't matter, your baby your choice. Grandparents do not have the right to expect you to leave baby with them.

MrsMerchant · 21/10/2016 01:22

Leaving with The Dad is a bit different. I would have no anxiety about that... if I did I wouldn't have had kids with him.
Anyone else... left my eldest at nine months for a night out with The Dad. Word of warning though, nine months after that my second was born 😂😂

tararabumdeay · 21/10/2016 01:47

I left my baby with MIL for an hour when he was four months old. In that time she had cut his hair and built an itinerary of what I was doing wrong.

Second son I left at nine months old with my doting mother and aunt. It was a couple of hours. When I/we got back we were told he was, 'Crawling around the house looking for me.' which in their eyes meant they had to look into adopting him because he was so distressed and it was all my fault.

Mums who have babies are experts.; you are the expert with yours.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 21/10/2016 01:50

DD1 is nearly 3 and we left her for the first time on Monday. We put her to bed and I went into labour with DD2 through the night so my DF came over to watch her.

There is absolutely no need to leave your baby unless you are happy to do so! Lots of people do and lots don't.

ThirdTimeLuck · 21/10/2016 02:15

I don't think posters should be suggesting that leaving children with someone else so they can have a break is a bad thing. I think there are some very judgemental posts on here that are completely unnecessary; parents make decisions based on what is best for their family and circumstance. It's not always a decision based on what they want, more what they need.

For instance, no parent wants to need a break but the truth is that parents need a break. Finding alternative childcare for this is nothing to be judged about! No one hands out medals for leaving/not leaving a baby at whatever age as some posts on here suggest.

Threads like this never end well, I think there are some potentially damaging suggestions made on here and I dread to think what any struggling mums might be thinking.

OP you leave your child when you are ready and with someone you trust, this will stand for the rest of your time as a parent.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2016 02:57

Very good point ThirdTimeLuck, if people feel the need for a break or if they have a trusted adult who can help that is good.

What I feel uncomfortable about is when people are pressurized into leaving their baby with someone because it suits someone else, because grandma or granddad wants to take the baby out or take the baby to their house etc.

It's also important to remember for some new mums a good friend or relative might offer to come round and look after baby at your home so you can have a rest or pop out etc. For some people this will be vital, but it doesn't sound like the OP is in that position.

When I say it is normal not to want to be separated I should say it was normal for me, but I guess it may be different for others, the key thing is what is helpful for the new mum and new dad.

woodsies1975 · 21/10/2016 06:14

Not weird at all. Your baby, you decide - everyone else can go and shove their opinions. I went back to work when DD was 6 months and then again when DS was 9 months, that was hard enough. I had no choice but to leave them at nursery then but hated not being with them. I remember once DH insisted we went away for a weekend when DS was still quite small and I was miserable the whole time. My MIL had the kids and is totally wonderful but even so, I insisted we left at 7am the next morning after just one night away. I actually slightly resented DH for insisting we went.
Do what feels right for you and just smile at anyone who offers their views!

PsammeadPaintedTheLion · 21/10/2016 06:43

My mil took dd1 out in her pushchair for about an hour when she was two months, or so. She told me to get a bit of rest.

I sat on the sofa crying and looking out of the window for them to get back. I lied and told mil I had had a lovely rest. Blush

My two are 6 and 4 now and are perfectly fine with going to people's houses, or to granny's for a few hours. They have both stayed overnight there by their choice but first at 3 or 4 years old.

There is so much time for all that stuff, OP. No need to rush it.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2016 06:48

Wheelerdealer, you can't drop off your young baby for an afternoon/weekend/night out if you are breastfeeding.

Separation anxiety is a healthy stage for babies and toddlers and small children. It comes and goes. It does not mean parents are sheltering their baby or toddler or small child too much.

user1474781546 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:59:17
I feel that the closer I nurture my children when they are young the more independent they will become as they grow.
Having early needs satisfied gives them wings to grow. A child can't be hardened or forced into having good self esteem or early independence
This^^
Nail on the head, User147etc.

OP, don't let anyone coerce you into doing something you are not comfortable doing, and don't let a whispering campaign get to you either.

I grew up miles from both of my grandparents. We saw them about twice a year. Loved them both and was always happy to spend time with them, despite the fact that they never had any hands on time with me or my sisters as a baby. My own children live on another continent from my mother and nine hours by car from their other grandmother. They are meh about exMIL and love spending time with my mum when she visits. The quality of children's relationships is nothing to do with early experiences and all to do with how the grandparent relates to them as they grow up a bit imo.

ButtMuncher · 21/10/2016 06:59

Not weird at all.

We left 3 week old DS with MIL for three hours when we went for an anniversary meal, and again at 4.5 weeks for a meal with friends. DP takes DS out by himself and I'm okay leaving him with his Dad. I've absolutely no qualms about leaving him with DP at all, but I do feel a bit anxious with MIL as she tends to put him down straight after feeding when he often needs 15-30 mins of being upright. But she's been a Mum 3 times and a grandmother 5 times, plus she's over cautious so I know she wants what is best for DS and isn't dismissive of his needs and how I do things.

That said, I have a DSS I've been in the life of since 4 y/o so I've always been attuned to being able to leave him with MIL or other family members whilst me and DP do things occasionally, so perhaps that's why I'm more okay with it.

It's horses for courses isn't it.

GoBigOrange · 21/10/2016 07:22

Nope. YANBU and not weird either.

I just didn't want to be away from my son when he was tiny, so I stayed with him. DH obviously looked after him alone for an hour or two here and there, but apart from that he was with me all the time.

He was actually only a couple of weeks shy of his first birthday when I left him for the first time - on holiday, at the campground, left him for the day with MIL in charge (and a bunch of his cousins and a couple of aunties milling around too) while DH and I wrangled our older nieces and nephews off for some activities.

He was completely cool about being left, no tears at all, but I still don't feel the need to leave him with other people. And it isn't like his grandparents or the rest of the family miss out (they see him at least once a week) they just have to see me and DH too. But fortunately they like us too, so that's okay! And if I did need to leave him with someone in an emergency he knows them all well and is comfortable with them, so I think he'd be fine about it.

Saracen · 21/10/2016 07:48

YANBU.

For the record, in my baby's first six months I left her with her dad regularly and with other relatives a few times for a couple of hours. But that was because it felt okay to me; I don't feel it was something I "ought" to have done.

Jumpmom1 · 21/10/2016 07:49

Nope, my DD is 14 months and has never stayed out, no intention of either.

Fluffsnuts · 21/10/2016 08:29

At 11 weeks I couldn't leave DS with anyone, even DH - he was breastfed but fed every hour day and night until 3 months and was a bottle refuser until 8 months. At 3 months DH had him for a few hours.

Left him with my mum for 3 hours at 5 months and a few times since and then left him last month (almost 9 months) with the in laws for 5 hours - I wouldn't do that again unless I had to, it was a bit long (for him as well as me).

I go back to work in 8 weeks though :( so he's having to be left then.

Ginseng1 · 21/10/2016 08:46

Am leaving my DD (14 weeks) this morning with granny for 2 hours while I get my hair done I would have waited til 2 Moro when DH here but she really wanted to n I know she'll be fine & it frees the weekend up. Am bit nervous first time leaving her to anyone outside DH is normal I think I breastfeeding too but she should go 2+ hours tho left couple oz ebm just in case!

minifingerz · 21/10/2016 09:33

No, not at all. I never wanted to leave my babies AT ALL. In fact my response to DH's booking us a weekend break in Paris for my 40th was to say 'I need to take ds2 (12 months) with us.'

HOWEVER

I went back to work - three half days a week - when my dd was 5 weeks old. I had to or I would have lost my contract. I left her with my mum, whatever milk I could express, and some boiled water. When the milk ran out my mum gave her water until I returned, because dd just spat formula out.

It was possible for me to breastfeed and not be with my daughter all day and all night. I continued breastfeeding for 18 months and never used formula (apart from a few times in the first few weeks until dd decided she wouldn't drink it). I'm sure it was possible for many other mums too.

pastelmacaroons · 21/10/2016 09:47

sorry to burst your bubble but grannies are great at providing this

Hmm I see sp grannies are just a huge homogeneous mass are they? All sharing same caring skills etc Confused

pastelmacaroons · 21/10/2016 09:50

The quality of children's relationships is nothing to do with early experiences and all to do with how the grandparent relates to them as they grow up a bit imo

couldnt agree more Manths. In fact in my situation the more the DC see and spend alone time with the GP the more they cant stand going.

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