To not want to learn to drive

[ThisUsernameIsAvailable]

I'm 33 and I have 4 children and my husband drives.

I have never wanted to learn to drive, my family have offered to buy my provisional, to teach me etc but I really don't want to, I've never had any interest in learning to drive.
I ride my bike if I want to go somewhere local, I have a trailer for shopping, if oh is working I use public transport if it's not riding distance (more than 15 miles or I need to get there quickly)

For some reason everyone thinks I need to learn to drive next year, I've had 4 offers of provisional license for Christmas/birthday

Tied to a man? Another way of looking at it is exercising her choice

I don't drive. I used to but quit as I am spectacularly shit at it and, quite frankly, a danger on the road. I have zero spacial awareness, no sense of timing and a heart rate worth of Usain Bolt post 100m.

Do what you want OP and don't feel pressured to do otherwise.

It's very limiting for your DC I think. What if one of them wants to dance on a Saturday morning and at the same time another has swim training in the next town?

What if one has a music lesson after school and another wants to go to a friend's house to work on some homework together?

Are you just going to make sure your DC don't do these things because you can't get them there? Or are you expecting DH to spend a lot of his time working as a taxi?

It depends hugely on where you live imo. And if you like to leave town more than once or twice a year. I'm from the US, so I drove everywhere when I was younger, but I've since moved to NYC. I don't drive here, but whenever I go home, I tend to do some intensive driving around to make sure I can still do it! Unless you're in London, I would learn TBH. Even when I lived in London, if I'd stayed longer, I probably would've taken courses and tried to pass the test eventually.

I don't think you're absolutely stuck without driving, and clearly you've been doing fine (and living in NYC, I know that there are places where it's more of a hassle to drive than walk, bike, or use public transportation), but still...if you can master it, driving is a really useful, freeing skill to have. I was terrified at first, but I've loved it ever since!

You don't know how limiting not driving is until you van drive.

I used to try and convince myself like you that not driving was fine. Now I can drive it's changed my life.

You can drive! Not van drive - van driving is hard

I got my driving license when I was 17 but once I moved out of home I lived happily enough with no car for over a decade. I lived in a city with decent enough public transport and taxis so the massive cost of a car far outweighed the limited benefit.

But then I needed to get a job elsewhere that required a driving license. I'm very glad I had my license as it meant I could get this job. It's not actually essential for doing my job though as can use public transport; the company just only hires people with driving licenses so there is maximum flexibility in sending us to different places.

Having a company car now does give me a lot of ease/flexibility with my DD but I would have got by without if I'd needed to.

So my view is that you don't need to drive if you don't want. But you should go ahead and get your license while you don't actually need it (as you won't have time to learn if it suddenly becomes important.)

I get you op I don't like driving when I was learning, I'm happy to use public transport but I understand it has its limits and I know I need to finish off my lessons and put in for my test. Is it a confidence issue?

These threads are always full of people who don't drive being very defensive and saying it's their choice.

And people who do drive bring incredulous that people can't drive or don't want to drive.

I think the people you might want to listen to op are those that have been in both camps. Didn't drive for years and then learned when they were older adults. They have seen both sides of the argument first hand.

If you skim the thread for those people you'll probably find that very nearly 100% of them say that it's one of the best things they've ever done and they wish they'd done it much much sooner.

I'm going to be honest. I was lovely and supportive to DH's face about him not driving, but I hated it. Everything to do with driving was always on me. I couldn't be too tired, or have a headache, or not fancy it that day. I could never have a drink if we'd driven somewhere.

And we live in outer London with excellent public transport.

When he got his licence it was a massive relief, and I do now feel like we're more equal partners in the relationship.

I'd say on balance threads like these learn more towards folk encouraging others to do something that they don't want to do.

I think if you don't drive and live in a car-less family, not relying on someone else driving (which is tiring), is fine.

But the op only gets public transport if her dh is at work - so does rely on him driving her with weekends/ evenings.

Op - if there's a car in your family and it makes life easier for your family to drive to some places, then both adults should be able to drive. If you haven't arranged your life as a couple to be car free, then you both should be able to use it.

I think it's an independence thing. At the moment you feel you don't need or want to bother driving. Let's imagine your dh is ill and can't drive. Then what? Then you will be under pressure to do this or you will be constantly begging friends and family to help you out. When you are older and the kids aren't around and maybe your dh isn't then what? Relying on your dh like this is a bit lazy really. If you lived in a city with loads of public transport fair enough, but it doesn't really sound like that's the case. Grit your teeth and do it. I did it rather later than my peers after I had my children and quite frankly it was the best thing for me. It took me a long time to pass but I do not regret it.

It's not unreasonable in itself but it does depend how your oh feels about it since he does drive. Also it takes time to learn to drive so it's worth thinking long- term; will you always want and be able to live where you do ? Could you manage if oh suddenly couldn't drive, even temporarily?

It's amazing that people who do drive seem to be able to conceive of a life without their car!

I don't drive, I don't rely of lifts off of anyone. I cycle or use public transport. When I am old I will do the same, like my DGM. She couldn't run a car now for both eyesight and ecomical reasons and she isn't housebound or reliant on lifts! It's ridiculous to suggest that driving is the only way of having freedom.

I have a few reasons for not driving, firstly I have terrible issues with coordination and spatial awareness (40+ lessons and still no better). I also have terrible anxiety and driving triggers it (even as a passenger). We couldn't afford to tax and insure a second car and if we only had one car my husband would have it with him at work so how would that actually make life easier?!

Also I enjoy the "forced" exercise I have to do. I walk 7 miles a day everyday doing school runs etc. I can guarantee I wouldn't find the motivation to do that if there was the option to drive.

So people please don't judge a life you don't live just because you drive. Plenty don't, plenty don't need to and are none the worse for it.

I learnt to drive when I was 24/25 & I really didn't think I needed to, I liked taking public transport and walking places.

I do still miss that but it was a v good thing to learn to drive. I became much less reliant on my partner for the things I needed to do.

Another reason I wanted to drive was so that I could take the load off my DH. He could have a few beers at the pub and I could drive home for example. Or long distance driving I could do one of the journeys.

Also, the sick child argument?

If your child was sick and for whatever reason you didn't have your car (it's broken down, being mot'd etc) what would you do?

Get a taxi of course.

One more thing, I may be reliant on my husband sometimes (although not as often as you may think) but he doesn't mind. He is reliant on me also. He is reliant on me to provide 100% of the childcare, cooking, washing, the finances. I don't begrudge that at all and he doesn't begrudge me. It's what having a relationship is about to us.

My nan doesn't drive, she's 86 years old and has a better social life than I do, and shock horror she doesn't rely on lifts from people! Imagine that!

My mum is 56 and she also doesn't drive. My sibling and I never ever felt like we missed out because she didn't drive (my dad could drive but wasn't around).

I'm early 30s. I walk about 5 miles a day, sometimes double that, and I love it! I don't get why so many drivers cannot, or rather will not, accept that some of us are very happy to walk everywhere (or use public transport). People talk of being isolated without a car but honestly I think I'd feel most so if I did have a car. I live in a small community and when out walking I bump into so many people and we stop and have a natter, I'd miss that if I drove. I also love that almost every day I see squirrels, red kites, rabbits, foxes etc whilst out walking. I also feel extremely fortunate to be in a physical position where I am able to walk everywhere. Oh and I'm single, I never cadge lifts off anyone and am oft heard to decline any offer. My son also loves walking for many of the reasons I do, he loves being able to stop and watch the wildlife (and all the local cats - he's a bit obsessed with cats) and he appreciates that it's healthy for him.

There does seem to be a kind of driver snobbery on this thread which I'm finding weird. Lots of assumptions about us non-drivers being made too, I'm sure in some cases your assumptions may be right but please don't tar all non drivers with the same brush.

It's not unreasonable to not want to learn to drive - especially if you live in a large city and public transport is good.
However, if 4 people have suggested to learn to drive, it sounds to me like your friends/family know something that we don't. Are they tired of having to give you lifts? Do they think it's limiting for your children? Perhaps they just think you'd have more fun if you could drive. If it's the latter, then no, don't feel bad about not driving. But if there really are practical reasons why they think you should drive, YWBU not to take up their offer of lessons.
What have you got to lose? You could try a few lessons - if you really hate it, you can always stop.
Good luck, I know it must be daunting, but I know a few people who have learnt to drive in their 30s and all have loved it once they got over the initial fear.

What does your husband say?

If he feels that you should learn then YABU. I grew up in a carless house. We had reasonable public transport links, but it wasn't until I left home and learned to drive that I realised how little I knew of the area I lived in because I only knew the places that I could get to on public transport.

We don't want to live in the middle of a city and we chose where we live now because we both drive. DD is 16 and is now of the age where she goes to parties or out with friends. Without a car this simply would not be possible as I would be unhappy at the idea of her catching public transport home on her own (which is quite limited anyway).

Other reasons I have needed to drive were:
Rushing DD to hospital
Taking her to the doctor
Collecting her from school when unwell
Collecting her from school if she has stayed for catch up lessons (there is only one school bus that leaves at 3)

All of the above would be pain if I had had to order a taxi or wait for OH to come home. Public transport would be a no-no for the above.

Also:
Taking stuff to be recycled or to charity shops
Taking DD swimming
Taking her to and from parties (at primary school they were always in soft plays, not on bus or train routes)

We do use public transport as we are lucky enough to have a station in our village (one of the reasons we bought here), but there is only one train an hour and the places it takes us to are limited.

I think it also depends on how you divide up your domestic duties.

My DH does the driving on the rare occasions we go out together (once every couple of months). For my part, I do and have done all the childcare, cooking, cleaning, ironing, pet care, arranging of health appointments for the DC, dealing with schools (attending parents' evenings), DIY, home maintenance, buying all Christmas and birthday presents for both sides of the family - you name it. Pretty much everything apart from driving. DH is happy with this arrangement as it means he does much less unpaid work in our household than I do!

I did pass my test and drove for a year but then we moved abroad to a large European town with excellent public transport and I just stopped.

If ever DH wants me to start driving again so he can take on more of the other domestic duties, I'm sure he'll let me know.

I'm 50 and can't drive. But I've always lived in London, where it's not necessary. Also I don't have children.

Seminormal - my aunt used to be like you then got Rheumatoid Arthritis at 45 and would be housebound if not for her car. Similarly I learned at 35 after carrying a screaming 3 year old with a broken leg to the hospital on the bus because I couldn't get a taxi due to a football match & they wouldn't send an ambulance. Driving's one of those things that you don't appreciate until you do it.

By the way my dh hated my not driving. He said it wasn't fair that he was expected to share all the chores & drive all the time too. He never got to drink etc. But he never actually said anything until I'd learned to drive because he didn't want to cause a row.