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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to learn to drive

538 replies

ThisUsernameIsAvailable · 17/10/2016 23:36

I'm 33 and I have 4 children and my husband drives.

I have never wanted to learn to drive, my family have offered to buy my provisional, to teach me etc but I really don't want to, I've never had any interest in learning to drive.
I ride my bike if I want to go somewhere local, I have a trailer for shopping, if oh is working I use public transport if it's not riding distance (more than 15 miles or I need to get there quickly)

For some reason everyone thinks I need to learn to drive next year, I've had 4 offers of provisional license for Christmas/birthday

OP posts:
user1474781546 · 20/10/2016 13:17

Ketchuponpizza - what I am saying is that you are hypocritical.

You can join all the PC organisations you like but that does not negate the fact that your choice to over procreate has a big impact on the planet.

Ketchuponpizza · 20/10/2016 13:23

User yawn

I am bored of buying your little rant now. We shall simply have to agree to disagree.

Have a lovely day. Smile

ARumWithAView · 20/10/2016 13:30

I would rather nervous or reluctant would be drivers weren't browbeaten onto the road by well meaning, but ultimately misguided friends and relatives. If they feel they have poor co-ordination, spatial awareness and struggle with decision making strong arming them behind the wheel of a ton and a half of killing machine isn't really on either for them or other road users.

But a lot of non-drivers have never driven at all, and probably even more non-drivers begin learning but give up because of a bad experience -- an unpleasant teacher, an impatient relative, several failed tests. Driving requires a combination of quick decisions and physical precision, most of which become instinctive over time, but can be very overwhelming at first: I've had a licence for 16 years, but I can still remember how pulling onto a busy roundabout seemed like the most ludicrously complicated and impossible action ever.

It's easy to psyche yourself out, and the less confident you get, the worse you perform, and once you start failing tests it's easy to become very negative and just give up. The worst is often when you get to 2+ tests, because then you put so much pressure on youself I must must pass this time, I've spent so much money and time on this that you're more likely to fail than ever.

But being nervous or reluctant DOES NOT mean you can't be a good, safe driver -- my sister failed several tests in her twenties, stopped trying for so long her theory test expired, then passed in her early thirties and has been a safe, confident driver ever since. And there are so many posts on this thread from people who were nervous or reluctant to begin driving, but who were prompted into learning (by a new job, a new area, kids) and who've also become safe, competent drivers and feel very strongly that their licence is an asset.

I think it's very unfair to imply that nervous, reluctant drivers are just not meant for driving, and they should do everyone a favour and not bother. The idea that you're a menace unless you jump merrily into a car the moment you turn 17 and pass your test after ten lessons is what dissuades less confident people from even starting lessons.

It's really sad to hear about so many elderly female relatives who were dependent on their spouses to drive, and then increasingly stuck and isolated when they were widowed -- this is exactly what happened to my grandmother, but I had no idea it was so widespread. And, no: not a great idea to jump from several decades' non-driving into a car, but if you already have a licence you can take refresher lessons, buy a car which suits your needs, have relatives accompany you at first. You've got the licence, so you're one (large) step ahead, and know that you're capable of driving, whereas a common sentiment amongst older people who've never driven is that 'it's too late for me to learn, now'.

caitlinohara · 20/10/2016 13:45

I think YABU. You could at least give it a go. There's no point in being stubborn just for the sake of it. I failed my test twice at 17 but learned again at 26 and passed. It's not as scary as it seems and is so liberating in so many ways. There are so many benefits day to day but even if you learned 'just in case', it may come in massively useful one day.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 20/10/2016 13:55

I think it's very unfair to imply that nervous, reluctant drivers are just not meant for driving, and they should do everyone a favour and not bother. The idea that you're a menace unless you jump merrily into a car the moment you turn 17 and pass your test after ten lessons is what dissuades less confident people from even starting lessons.

Which would be a fair point if I'd made a comment that stated that or anything remotely like it, that's your baseless extrapolation.

I certainly didn't jump into a car at 17 and pass with very few lessons. In fact I didn't learn til I was in my early 20s. My parents kept wanging on about the issue (I wasn't reliant on them for lifts or anything) but I was not ready. At 17 I was nervy, prone to panic and petrified by the idea of driving. I started to suffer from panic attacks a few months later when I started university a few months later.

I learned in my early 20s when I was in a better place mentally: calmer, more collected and got my head around the idea of driving. If I'd given in to strong arming techniques at 17 before I was mentally ready to drive, I would have given up or caused a crash. Hopefully the former and not the later.

Hence my point about people browbeating and downplaying the non-drivers concerns about their own abilities. Trying to force people into situations they don't feel equipped to handle and treating their concerns as 'everyone is nervous at first' isn't always in their interest. Nor am I saying they should never drive, but it is prudent to wait until they themselves feel they are able to commit to learning. It may be at 25, 45, 65 or they may never feel they want or are able to.

muttimalzwei · 20/10/2016 14:13

I can't drive and I'll admit I am really scared of the traffic and putting myself and potentially my family at risk. It can limit where I can take the children especially as we live in an area without reliable and frequent public transport. We live close to town and can walk to most places so I don't think my kids are disadvantaged. In fact I think it opens their eyes to life in a few ways. Getting buses and trains is fun and interesting. Many kids are belted in and driven about day in day out. I cycle to work or to the station where I commute by train. Any big delays or problems can always be ironed out by a taxi ride which is far cheaper than running a car. My husband enjoys driving and is happy to drive at weekends. It's ok for us but I agree it does limit my freedom in some respects.
In answer to a few comments about being a burden on friends..I really try never to be and will always try and find my own way there. I'll never ask anyone. Close friends will usually offer and I will either give them money towards petrol or say I'm happy to walk. I also don't get this belief from car drivers that you will always want a lift and you cannot possible want to walk anywhere. I love walking!
I will have to learn to drive at some point though just so I can be more useful to my family and also my parents as they get older. Still petrified.

ARumWithAView · 20/10/2016 15:02

Which would be a fair point if I'd made a comment that stated that or anything remotely like it, that's your baseless extrapolation.

I specifically posted your entire paragraph at the beginning of my post. Again:

I would rather nervous or reluctant would be drivers weren't browbeaten onto the road by well meaning, but ultimately misguided friends and relatives. If they feel they have poor co-ordination, spatial awareness and struggle with decision making strong arming them behind the wheel of a ton and a half of killing machine isn't really on either for them or other road users.

At no point do you suggest that people who 'have poor co-ordination, spatial awareness and struggle with decision-making', or who are very nervous, can overcome this with time and encouragement. Instead, you say it's best for them and other road users that they don't drive.

This reinforces the nervous/reluctant driver's feeling that driving is for other people -- the ones who've taken naturally to it or started early or never had a moment's doubt.

If you want to now turn that around and say you meant nervous drivers can often become excellent drivers in their own time, then that's understood, but it's not implied at all by your previous post. Actually, it's the opposite: by using a deliberately dramatic term like 'ton and a half of killing machine' instead of just saying, you know, a car, you're amping the fears of people who are already worried or uncertain. If you doubt yourself and you get into a car anyway, YOU MIGHT KILL SOMEONE. No pressure, but...

IME, taking lessons with a decent, patient instructor in a dual-controlled car is the best way to begin overcoming nerves. You are overwhelmingly unlikely to cause an accident, and the UK driving test is rigorous enough that a truly incompetent, scattered, impossibly-edgy driver isn't going to get a licence to be out by herself. There's really no need to hammer home the 'you're driving a POTENTIALLY-FATAL machine' to nervous drivers. A lack of awareness on that point is not the problem.

It's great that you felt better-equipped to learn driving in your twenties rather than teens, but for most people it's the opposite: the older you get, the less confident you become about learning, and the 'it's too late' mentality gets stronger. Again, most people on this thread who were late learners say they lacked confidence and only started learning because something or someone prompted them to -- and then they say their regret is that they didn't start earlier.

BananaThePoet · 20/10/2016 15:37

Nobody should do anything they don't want to do if it isn't anything they have to do.
If you don't have to drive and you can manage your life okay without doing it then don't learn to drive.
Do what you want to do.
Don't take your families' money to do something you don't want to do.
Well done for cycling etc.
Not learning to drive is something you can change your mind about in the future if you want to. In the meantime learning to do something you don't want to learn is the hardest thing ever. It is hard enough when you do want to learn.
It is your life.
Maybe you have a reason not to drive.
I can drive but I haven't for years because I didn't feel safe. People said I should do it anyway. I refused.
Then I found out I had sleep apnoea and I would be dangerous to drive. I had no idea - I just had a feeling I didn't feel safe and I was right.
I'm getting treatment now and am starting to feel okay about driving again - but if I'd listened to all the people telling me to just get out there and have confidence I would have been driving when I was a danger to myself and others.
You know what feels right for you. That is all that matters in this situation.

dansmum · 20/10/2016 15:52

It might be useful to examine why you have no desire to learn...it could be related to an event or personal experience long forgotten. It may be to do with lack of self confidence or performance anxiety..or a combination of many issues op may be or not be even aware of. Like many posts I learnt late..and because I could finally afford to and wanted to. How wonderful to have a life without car tax insurance mot fuel costs..running to the occasional taxi when oh or network lets you down is far more cost effective! However...should oh suddenly not be able to drive for a period of time..if that would cause lifestyle problems..then learn if you want. No point in learning if you dont want to..it will be a miserable experience and money wasted !
Why not compromise and accept a week long intensive driving course with the provision that after the week, you can decide what to do to continue or stop.and people will get off your back !

Natsku · 20/10/2016 16:18

If people are willing to teach you/pay for provisional etc. then I do think its worth trying it at least. You might find that you are fine driving and you'll have much more opportunities opened up to you, you also might find that you are not fine driving but at least you gave it a go and no one would carry on bugging you (hopefully)

That said, I don't drive and don't intend of learning to. I had some driving lessons when I was 18 and the whole thing terrified me and I honestly don't think I would be a safe driver so everyone is better off without me driving. I walk/bike most places and OH drives so we manage. Also can always ask his brothers for lifts if OH isn't available. I'll definitely be encouraging DD to learn though when she's old enough.

Quincejelly · 20/10/2016 19:16

I have my driving licence but didn´t need a car for years and now, despite loads of refresher lessons, I´ve completely lost my nerve.
I do keep feeling that I should give it another go, mainly because I still feel, as I did at 17, that you aren´t an adult until you can drive (I am now in my forties).
Still, I do think driving would be a disadvantage to me in some ways. I do get a lot of exercise from cycling and walking everywhere. I know I would drive everywhere if I could because otherwise I would forget how to drive again - or lose my nerve again. I seriously believe that I would end up putting on huge amounts of weight by learning to drive. I´m just too lazy to go out and exercise if it isn´t a necessary part of the rest of my routine/life.

Quincejelly · 20/10/2016 19:19

Oops, just to clarify my post: I don´t think that other people who can´t drive are not adult!
It´s just that I feel that I´ve somehow never grown up because I´ve never learnt to drive as I wanted to when I was 17! When I was 17 it seemed like a "grown up" thing to do.
I know it´s complete rubbish!

CoolCarrie · 20/10/2016 19:40

I can't drive, walk most places or bus. Dc school is 8 minutes away, and frankly it means I can spend money on beautiful or useful things instead of paying for another car, insurance, road tax etc, a winner for me!

Monsterpage · 20/10/2016 21:06

I'm in the situation where my husband doesn't drive and I do. It is really annoying always being the designated driver for everything, days out, holidays, weekly shop etc. It gets tiring. Sometimes just having the choice would be nice.
From a work point of view I have had to turn away really good candidates for jobs because they don't drive. its not a driving job just an events job where I need someone who can travel with equipment to out of the way venues. Something that couldn't be done on public transport.

MrsLupo · 20/10/2016 21:12

This is an incredibly polarised thread. There must be something wrong with me because I can see myriad points on both sides of your situation, OP.

This comment stood out:
If this was a man posting, he'd be ripped to shreds as an inept, pathetic cocklodger. And quite honestly, rightly so. People are being very sympathetic towards you, so that's nice. You don't understand all the advantages driving brings, nor do you really understand how much not being able to drive is a drain on your driving partner, and his time. Those of us who do drive, understand that perfectly.

This is just such bollocks.

My partner doesn't drive. He has no medical reason not to, but he doesn't like cars much, thinks his ears will bleed if we travel at much over 50mph Grin and is a clumsy, easily distractible type who quite frankly is best staying off the road, imo. He isn't inept, pathetic or a cocklodger, ffs. He works incredibly hard, pulls his weight in the house and is a fantastic father and a man of many talents. He just doesn't drive. Like you, he's had numerous, quite rude, offers of driving lessons as a gift from his parents, as though it's not a choice he could make all by his grown-up self if that's what he wanted to do, and as if there's something unmanly or otherwise deviant about being a non-driver. Their agenda is that they like to imagine we'd visit them more often if he drove (because of course the only reason we don't live in their pockets is because horrid DIL (me!) won't do the driving - not that we're busy/tired/have other people we haven't seen in an age, etc!). Such offers always come with an agenda, imo, and agendas come with strings!

I, on the other hand, love to drive. For me it's a zen, mindful activity that actively reduces stress. I've been known to take long cuts home just so I can chill out behind the wheel a little bit longer. Which is not to say it isn't sometimes a drag to be the only one who can do a late night pick-up or yet another trip to the supermarket. But I don't relate at all to these comments (all from women, interestingly) about feeling the partnership isn't equal because DP/DH doesn't drive. There are lots of things I'm not very good at (IT troubleshooting) or hate/hated to do (night feeds), which DP was happy to pick up the tab on. And likewise, I don't relate to any of these comments about non-drivers being draggy freeloaders. I know a few people (male and female) who don't drive, and have a couple of close friends locally who don't, or don't like to. I'm happy to give lifts, pick kids up, pick up shopping in my car. Driving is something I can do, whereas there are lots of things my friends are better at than me...baking, remembering birthdays, being nice to other people's children...the list goes on.

My advice? Do what you want, OP, and what works for you and yours. Why should anybody else's idea of what you should do be better than your own?

Benedikte2 · 21/10/2016 00:24

OP it's a good idea to learn while you have the opportunity. Think of it as another life skill or qualification. Having your licence doesn't mean you have to drive regularly or need to change your lifestyle but does mean you can drive if it's necessary -- numerous posters have cited how they or their families have been affected by the ability or inability to drive.
I initially felt rather nervous about driving but came to love it and my work prospects would have been very limited if I hadn't been able to drive

80sMum · 21/10/2016 00:45

I was nervous of learning to drive and put it off until I was 27. I can honestly say that it changed my life and I am so glad that I did it.

There are so many things that I now do, that I wouldn't be able to do if I couldn't drive.

  1. I couldn't live where I do, as it's very poorly served with public transport and I wouldn't be able to get anywhere.
  2. I couldn't visit or help my elderly mother who lives 2 hrs drive away and 15 miles from any train station.
  3. I couldn't visit my children and grandchildren, who live an hours drive away.
  4. I couldn't get to my job, which is only 15 minutes away by car but takes 1.75 hrs to walk to.
  5. I wouldn't be able to get to book Club meetings, or choir rehearsals without being dependent on others for lifts all the time.
  6. I wouldn't be able to meet up with friends for lunch at local eateries.
  7. I couldn't just pop to the supermarket in the evenings, as the nearest one is 3 miles away.
CoolCarrie · 21/10/2016 01:18

My god, talk about handbags at dawn! Take my eyes of this thread for a while and some of you have daft , is there a full moon tonight? !

kiwimumof2boys · 21/10/2016 01:34

Interesting thread. i grew up in a fairly spread out town with a very unreliable bus service, so me, my sister and practically everyone else I knew learned to drive at 15 (was the legal age in NZ back when I was a teenager). We had a neighbour who was older and for whatever reason had never driven. My mum, who was a soft target, bloody drove her everywhere! the supermarket, shops etc. Then her twenty-something daughter moved in with her and worked in the city an hour away - she took the train - but the train station was about a twenty minute walk from our street. My mum then used to rush out at 6 every night in the middle of cooking tea, helping us kids with our homework etc to collect her daughter (in her twenties) from the train station every night! her daughter also 'didn't want to learn to drive, but got scared walking home.' Hmm
When I moved to the city for university, I made friends with people that didn't drive, and it was expected I'd be sober driver until I put my foot down. 'Well how am I going to get home? I don't like the bus?' 'Well bloody learn to like it or learn to drive yourself!'

I know not all non drivers are like this - I have some friends now that don't drive and would never dream of imposing and happy to use public transport, and of course a lot of posters on this thread sound considerate. But some . . .

septembersunshine · 21/10/2016 01:48

My husband learnt to drive in his thirties. At that point we already has two dc. It took him three attempts to pass but when he did it was amazing. We could share the family driving. He could drive the kids places without me. Now, years later, he drives to work. It's essential as we now live in a rural location and his job is 40 minutes away. The thing is you never really know how valuable driving is until you use it in your life. I love driving. Brings me a measure of pleasure l.

kiwimumof2boys · 21/10/2016 02:06

oops just reread my post and forgot to add that neither my neighbour nor her daughter ever offered my mum any money for all the driving she did for them. In fact, when one night my mum couldn't pick up the daughter as she had to collect me from an after school event, the daughter packed a shit and told my mum she ran around after her children too much ! Shock

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 21/10/2016 06:02

Oh dear. Your mum really should have said no to them.

ForalltheSaints · 21/10/2016 07:05

Don't if you don't want to and politely decline the well meant offers. In my opinion there are plenty who do who ought to have made the same decision as you.

The health benefit of walking and cycling is something you will get. As well as not having the stress of dealing with the many who ought never to be allowed to drive in my view.

Petronius16 · 21/10/2016 14:28

Congratulations OP on being able to live without using a car – saves a lot of arguments if only one of you can drive.

However, have a think – you're 33 now but forty/fifty years down the line things may look a little different.

In this household there's only one driver meaning, surgery, hospital, chiropodist, osteopath visits and a range of activities can only happen if the driver is free at the same time.

More importantly it's no longer easy to visit families a long way away as we once did, nor take a longer day trip to what were favourite places.

Learn to drive now, get your licence then you have a choice.

gillybeanz · 21/10/2016 15:28

I am 50 and don't drive. I've managed to raise 3 dc and not felt the need.
We have saved so much money only running one car even including the taxi, train or bus fares.
I really can't think of a reason I'd need to drive and admit in the past to having a bit of smugness relating to the rationing we had in the past during the strikes.
It's funny how all those people who needed to drive everywhere, soon realised they didn't.

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