AIBU to want to escape PTA hell?

[Pulluptothebumperbaby]

I helped on the PTA last year and didn't find it the most pleasurable of experiences but reminded myself it's for the benefit of the school blah, blah, blah.

The then-chair kept pestering me to take on the role of chair when she left. I didn't want to do it as I'm not really the PTA "type", DH threatened me with divorce if I did it and I have a very, very busy life anyway.

Come the week before the AGM, the chair cornered me and said there is absolutely no-one to take the role of chair. She said it's an easy role, there is lots of support from the committee, the events run themselves, every thing is already in place and it's just a matter of following the formula. I said I really wasn't the right person for the job but I'd give it a go as they're desperate.

You can probably tell where this is going. It's not even half-term and I'm already a stressed-out maniac. It's a full-time fucking job! The fucking events don't run themselves and no fucker is interested in helping. The previous chair pulled a fucking blinder on me.

There is no way I can carry on like this for the rest of the year but what do I do? As much as I hate it, leaving them in the lurch is a shit thing to do. Do I ask for a co-chair to help lighten the load (un-bloody-likely)?
Or do i resign and let some other poor fucker be roped into it.
I feel like a right fool for agreeing to it in the first place when deep down I knew it wasn't for me (and that was before the full-blown ordeal became apparent!). Fuck.

Gosh this is a depressing thread.

I'm treasurer for our PTA so know exactly how much we raise and where it is spent, and thousands upon thousands are spent on the school environment. Decorating, building, repairs, a large contribution to enable a kitchen to be built, IT equipment, funding the library, play equipment and lots of other things school simply wouldn't have money for when they are juggling funds to ensure we have enough teaching staff and TAs. The work of organising things often falls on the same few people who eventually walk away broken with the effort of begging for help. If more people helped then those who can organise this stuff (because that is a skill set not everyone has) would do so every year and that benefits each and every child at the school. I don't really understand why people think this doesn't apply to them.

Totally understand you.

I was given the same flannel when I got conned into becoming a school governor.

That also is a full time job.

I accidentally became a school governor once, total waste of time.

OP the thing about many PTAs is they involve a lot of work (organise a fair) which doesn't make anywhere near the surplus that would make the effort worthwhile. Because you can't charge a sensible price for anything as it's for kids/families/the community. All surplus then to be spent on things that are 'nice extras'.

It's like a ton of wife work to earn school a bit of pin money.

Men dont get asked to help (unless there is some lifting/a barbecue or Santa's grotto) and nor do they feel they should apologise 'because they work' etc etc.

And now I've just rtft and all my points have been made much more eloquently already

it's sad to see how many people don't bother contribute to their children's school.

i am secretary of our PTA... its far from a full time job! it's 2hours a week of computer shit and an hour a week of whatsapp convo i'd guess... we rarely hold meetings... we are organising the xmas fair at the moment and we have lots of volunteers and helpers and most people want to contribute. our pta raise thousands for the school each year, i'm saddened to see so many people don't appreciate it at all!

There is nothing more satisfying than turning an organisation that works for the benefit of kids around. Cut out the crap 'events' and focus on the ones the kids enjoy and - crucially - make money. Ditch the dead enders who only attend meetings because they feel they own the PTA and engage with parents that are willing to help but reluctant to come forward. After several years as chair, and wearing a very thick skin, our PTA was suffering from an embarrassment of riches. Stick with it ... but be ruthless when listening to the crapometer.

No good deed goes unpunished OP.

And as this thread shows, PTAs can be very divisive.

In my experience, it often ends up with a ridiculous burden being placed on the few, with consequential feelings of resentment (acknowledged or not) as others won't get involved because of the expectation of so much work. Said PTA then perceived as clique-y by other parents who would be interested in helping a bit and those who simply can't be asked.

Don't feel bad, whatever you decide. It really shouldn't just be down to you.

Ask for a co-chair or an agreement that others will share the burden in a clear and tangible way, if you want. Or say you will just do it for one term. Whatever would work for you, and stick to it. But don't be brow-beaten into something that will stress you out, or that you don't want to do - just because some people would rather you shouldered the burden rather than them.

Would agreeing to do a term (with limited events) be an option? Making the events conditional on getting enough firm commitments of help for specific tasks? Say you'll stay on for a term if you get class reps from each year group to share the load?

For my sins, having been on an imploding committee (which would have given the Borgias a run for their money), I resigned and said I would be happy to help out on events for a set period of time - otherwise you end up never getting to spend any time with your own child/partner at the various events you are meant to organise. Mostly, the (self) chosen few however have strong views and prefer to struggle on themselves.

Sorry if that sounds a bit bitter, but the scars of the PTA can run deep.

Tempted to say run for the hills. But PTAs can and do a lot of good. And you are probably in this situation because you are "too nice" and didn't want to say no. But it really should not be down to you.

At the end of the day, if it is leaving you stressed out, don't do it. If you can't make it work for you, resign before it snowballs. Your first duty is to yourself and your family. No way is it worth losing sleep over.

It may sound really weird, but I have seen far more acrimony, in-fighting and spite on voluntary committees than during my years in the City!

Why did I do it? No one would take on the chair post. So I agreed to do it for a short while. 3 years later it contributed to a nervous breakdown, which cost me my job. I am now back working nearly 2 years later. I had bickering staff, I had to learn how to run a payroll PDQ (HMRC are very helpful!), I had to deal with staff disciplinary issues which eventually ended in court appearances. I had to do a full day safeguarding course (paying for childcare myself), 3 hour interview with OFSTED, deal with the charity commission and try and organise enough fundraising events to keep the preschool going. All unpaid. And while I was trying to work 30 hours a week in a professional career and through a maternity leave.

I'm sure that the parents at school think I'm a nasty selfish cow for not wanting to get involved with the PTA. I seriously don't give a shit.

I have very little to say that not probably already been said here but yes, it sounds so familiar. It appears the works is pretty much divided into two groups; those who care and offer their time and then get a bit stressed about it ( I'm in this group) and those that don't seem to care and then don't let it worry them. I wish I could be more like the second group but it's not in me.
Try try try and get a vice. Or you'll lose your marbles, enthusiasm and indeed respect for the entire school potentially.

It's the same situation everywhere. I'm currently trying to get a new committee together for my daughters old preschool and it's impossible. nobody wants to give any time at all.

If they were paid roles they'd have people queueing up to do them. However as people have said above, it's all unpaid work which is mostly foisted onto women out of guilt and reminds me all too much of wife work. It is mostly women, regardless of the odd protestation above - women do the background grunt work and organising, and men turn up to do the back or volunteer for the high status roles.

If PTAs didn't exist, schools would just have to fundraise by themselves wouldn't they? The paid people would have to do the work - instead of mothers yet again being guilted into taking on extra tasks outside of their paid work or running their own household, because "if you don't do it, who will?". Well frankly someone will or the schools won't get the money will they??

I say this as an ex teacher who saw many a PTA mum running herself into the ground because they had been guilted into taking on more than they wanted to.

Try try try and get a vice Smoking? Glue? Crack cocaine? The PTA could certainly drive you to a host of vices

You are so right SitsOnFence, I was there 40 years ago. I was on a committee that set up and ran a toddler group. We did all the work while the mums sat on their arses and let us. When the time came for us to move on no-one was willing to take it on, so we just walked away. They soon got their act together. I've done PTA, governors, parish council - it's always the same.

I was on the PTA at my sons' school for a while. There was always a hardcore of members who went the extra mile to help with activities and fund-raising. Then there was always a clique who joined to be sycophantic around the Headmaster and look decorative. Every Christmas we organised a trip to a Panto/Christmas show for 300+children and the planning was a tour de force. Short of volunteer help, at a PTA meeting, I asked one shrinking violet member if she was available. 'Oh no, I couldn't possibly help,' she claimed. 'because it's Christmas and I have children.'
Sums the whole thing up, really.

The PTA scars certainly do run deep. And agree too about the gendered roles. Our rather incompetent, old school Head thought the all female committee should only have a male as Chair and when the last one resigned last year she let everyone know her favoured successor. Rather foolishly I saw this as an important feminist crusade and in the end stood unopposed and secured the coveted role. Despite organising successful events with limited support after 5 months the Head asked me to step down because 'a number of parents' didn't like my style and threatened to leave the school if I wasn't 'removed'. I kid you not.

There were 450 children at my kids' old primary school. I often thought that it would've been more sensible for each of them to hand in £20 in the September every year. Far less hassle.

That said, being on the PTA was helpful to parents who were new to the area and wanted to meet people.

Secret us keep is easy. We meet once a month - 1 hr max. Set agenda and not afraid to move points on. We have 3 big school events a year: summer and xmas fayre and bbq - same yr in and out so standard to organise. Do 3/4 smaller discos but hold in school time with parent dj and sweet bags

I would resign - you are legally allowed to do so in a paid job and this is sth done for free ! We have no one running the PTA at our junior school as people just don't have the time and don't want the grief . As a parent I don't think it's the end of the world as I think most of us are too busy and all doing far too much anyway . There was no such thing in the 80s at mine and my dh's schooland I don't think we really suffered. I would leave diplomatically and get your life back

I'm on the preschool committee. As a result, I say no to almost all PTA requests at the school. I am lucky in that we have a lot of support in the preschool from staff and other committee members so it seems an easier ride than some of the stories on this thread. I was roped into it but it has been a really positive experience. I'd like to think we are not cliquey, we constantly advertise for new members. I have got to know the preschool staff so much better, have made friends and it looks good on my CV (I do have a paid job as well). That said, I would never be chair! Plus my kids love the discos .

Gosh. I've always avoided this stuff because I'm a single parent so no-one expects me to do anything (somewhat easier now the kids know how to use a tin opener - sort of). How lucky I was/am!

My brother, living in a not middle class area, got roped in to being chair of governors as he was the only parent with a degree. He was always a bit tight lipped about what this entailed. Now I can see why!

In theory PTAs are great, but i wonder if the stress and angst they cause to those involved outweigh the benefits... If it's the money-making part that's important then simply asking for money would be easier... Lots of people I know say they'd rather just give a £5 than pay for ingredients to make a cake they've not got time to bake, only to buy another cake they don't really need. If it's about events, although my kids have enjoyed them, their social calendar wouldn't be bereft without them.

There's absolutely nothing stopping those people from giving a fiver. But they rarely do.

Apologies that I have not RTFT. I feel your pain. I did the exact same thing. You get no thanks for it. At the summer fete that year I made it clear that I couldn't get there to help set up until 1 (it started at 2.30). When I got there The school caretaker had failed to set up the little marquee tent which he'd promised to do. I found out later that none of the committee members did a thing to try to sort it, they just all but he's about why wasn't I there when they were, making out I was lazy and a shirker. I was fuming. I'm a single working mother of 4 and had been totally upfront about my absence (which was for a genuine reason not because I couldn't be bothered).

The most thankless and joyless task ever.
I resigned.

The pre school charity ones are the worst. I had to shoulder more responsibility as secretary of our local one than I ever did in my working life like interviewing staff, payroll, all the legalities associated with charitable status, Ofsted reports, etc. Etc. One of our committee members was eagle eyed enough to spot a loophole in our constitution (only because it was his field of speciality) that left us wide open for liability should anything ever go wrong and we could be sued by a member of paid staff. Had to get special insurance to cover us. All this is unpaid, volunteering because more and more cuts mean volunteers have to fill the gap.
My parents never had to volunteer for anything when I was growing up other than perhaps an extra pair of hands at the school trip. I don't feel deprived because of this. Health and safety and layers of bureaucracy have a lot to answer for as paid teachers no longer have time. One of the committees I was chair of never got back up off the ground because no one wanted to do it. And do you know what - it's not missed in the slightest. It wasn't a fundraising one mind you.
On another one, we were trying to raise money to pay for an end of term party and year book for the leaving P7s. It was getting ridiculous in terms of effort until we decided to just ask for money (about £12). Everyone paid, no complaints, no last minute baking stalls, no hassle it was almost like an overwhelming relief.

Get out as quickly as you can. I got roped in as Chair a couple of years ago. There were always 2 chairs who shared the load but my time came and it was just me. The same few people helped who were amazing but it put a huge strain on my marriage and life - I run my own business from home and have 3 kids. I was supposed to do 2 years and managed 1. I didn't even get my youngest in the school so would have been chair with no kids there since my middle one was about to leave. It was a bloody nightmare - and seeing tons of mums doing bugger all with 3-4 kids at school was very annoying when I needed help. I only managed to get out because my father was dying and I had to be with him for the last few months of his life and it put everything into perspective. I did raise £28k in a year though on my own. Bloody tea towels (600 pictures stuck onto sheets), a frozen sing-a-long that was brutal and tons of quiz night and fairs. You need to delegate and then think this is the best I can do and if you don't like it shove it. Good luck with it and I feel your pain. x

Ellie, I want to hear more about the brutal Frozen sing-along.