AIBU to want to escape PTA hell?

[Pulluptothebumperbaby]

I helped on the PTA last year and didn't find it the most pleasurable of experiences but reminded myself it's for the benefit of the school blah, blah, blah.

The then-chair kept pestering me to take on the role of chair when she left. I didn't want to do it as I'm not really the PTA "type", DH threatened me with divorce if I did it and I have a very, very busy life anyway.

Come the week before the AGM, the chair cornered me and said there is absolutely no-one to take the role of chair. She said it's an easy role, there is lots of support from the committee, the events run themselves, every thing is already in place and it's just a matter of following the formula. I said I really wasn't the right person for the job but I'd give it a go as they're desperate.

You can probably tell where this is going. It's not even half-term and I'm already a stressed-out maniac. It's a full-time fucking job! The fucking events don't run themselves and no fucker is interested in helping. The previous chair pulled a fucking blinder on me.

There is no way I can carry on like this for the rest of the year but what do I do? As much as I hate it, leaving them in the lurch is a shit thing to do. Do I ask for a co-chair to help lighten the load (un-bloody-likely)?
Or do i resign and let some other poor fucker be roped into it.
I feel like a right fool for agreeing to it in the first place when deep down I knew it wasn't for me (and that was before the full-blown ordeal became apparent!). Fuck.

pretzels organisation ideas are great too - although we were never that organised, we did have

1. start and finish time for PTA meetings; with agenda circulated in advance and minutes typed up as the meeting went one, so everyone had their action points before they got home!
2. weekly PTA-come-school newletter every week: which told ppl what money was raised/what it was spent on; what they needed to bring into school that week (school as well as pta events); any events going on; did the 'thank yous' and 'we need x'; upcoming pta agendas for them to email any suggestions
3. lots of shared spreadsheet docs that the team on any given event could update to avoid loads of emails/calls
4. Our biggest events were run by standalone committees who never turned up to general pta meetings, just updated us every month/as needed.

a small badge? "I've given, now leave me alone!"

This is afab idea! And If they do stuff two years running a second badge saying "NOW will you leave me alone?"

People are saying get out to someone who is involved though! The people who are selfish are the ones who are quite happy to reap the benefits of the PTA but do nothing but complain when they are asked to do half an hour on a stall once a year.

The only way to get more volunteers is to actually cancel things and refuse to be taken advantage of. A school nearby did that, but they now have no PTA, no fetes, no nothing. I'm not sure if people care or not.

I co-chaired and it was hell, I resented it, grumbled etc. However, I'm glad I did it as we kept the PTA going at a difficult time for the school and my children absolutely love all those crappy fairs, cakes etc. I do sometimes wonder, though, whether the school would be just as good without it...

The thing that kept me going was that we said from the outset that it was a fixed term (two years - sadly I think that less than that makes it even more of an arse ache because it does take a while to get efficient). So we were always on a countdown. As the end point approached, we said very firmly and repeatedly that we were standing down whether or not anyone else volunteered (and we would have done, in my case without any guilt, less so my co-chair).

I was also very adamant that I wouldn't try to persuade anyone to take over - I did not want to be responsible for their (un)happiness.

Lastly, we left a very well run, well-documented PTA - if no one had taken over, it wouldn't have been a disaster as I made sure that anyone could have picked it up at any time (so much of our work was just trying to get our head around the mess that we'd been left by well-meaning but inefficient types).

The great thing about having done it is that I never have to do it again! I feel completely guilt free now. I do what I can to help, but my work is basically done. I do hate people being so sniffy about the PTA though, as if anyone involved does it for selfish hubristic reasons. I would also add that it would be great if those that say 'I wish I could just write a cheque for £100' or whatever just would. But they never do. One apologised for not helping or making on her class's cake sale but said she'd make up for it by buying some cakes. For which she demanded the full amount of change on the pitiful prices despite being one of those 'I'd rather just give the money' types.

Honestly the crappy cake fairs and fetes are not worth a moment's stress, most kids really don't care and neither do most sensible adults. If the school needs money, ask for a cash donation, far preferable to some poor woman (and it is invariably a woman) making herself ill with pointless stress. If you enjoy that crap, knock yourself out, but honestly don't kid yourself it actually matters to anyone else.

Just had our AGM last night. Got voted in as chair for the 3rd year!!!! Luckily the committee are all good friends. Not one hand went up for any of the committee places.

Many of the loudest complainers have never been to a meeting during my tenure. So we had to rehash all the usual topics, traffic around the school, etc etc.

If they actually attended regular meetings or volunteered occasionally they would know what was bloody going on.

We are all stepping down next year and if there is no Parents Association. Then so be it.

We are lucky in that we have a fantastic Principal.

It's the rehashing of the same old shit every meeting and people turning up purely for a gripe but never actually helping out that I have to refrain from giving a good bollicking to.

I would step down. You were hoodwinked into it. However you need to learn to say no.

I think you should stick out the year if you can although PTAs are usually not vital in the way they can seem when you're in them. I ended up on PTA for years with only criticisms from the head and stepped down at AGM . If you can stick it out it means you leave on good terms and will get a good reference etc.. I'm currently in playgroup committee which relies on committee for survival so would really be leaving them in the lurch if left even though it is a pain. I'm stepping down next AGM whether anyone steps up or not but wouldn't want to leave before that as would upset the apple cart .

I would go and talk to the Head, explain you agreed to do it after being misled as to the workload and you need to give it up as you are overwhelmed. Ask he or she to send out an appeal to parents, because the head will be keen for PTA to continue as it's a moneymaker for school and times are hard.
They always say that if you want something done, ask a busy person, and it's true. I try to sit on my hands as have a hugely busy life but end up agreeing to do things - I once suggested to my friend she might help and she looked shocked and said: "Me? When would I have the time?" She is a SAHM, school age children, has a cleaner every week, etc etc

How many dads are on the PTA I wonder...or even know it exists.

Another poster suggested giving parents the option to contribute financially instead - great idea.
Tell parents at the start of each term they can either transfer a set amount to a nominated bank a/c or provide 15 hours a term (or year or whatever it was another poster suggested) instead....Then watch as snide comments are made about the 'moneybags parents' who couldn't be bothered to bake a cake or whatever (you just know there would be derision...).

Its the tendency to martyrdom many parents object to.

So many horror stories, if you are the Chair stick to what you want to achieve and don't allow time wasters at the meeting or after. If parents can see where the money is being spent and hopefully it's spent wisely they should be more willing to help. I think getting a mix of parents at the meetings would help you. I was the Chair at my kids large secondary school and the items that the school were able to buy did make a difference. Everyone talks about events but they are time consuming! We had a combination of events but we also set up a system where parents paid a monthly amount and our treasurer claims back gift aid, it raises a lot of income and once the standing order is sorted, minimal work.

I would say think about the benefit that the PTA brings to your school and your children. Our PTA raises much needed funds for the school and last year paid for some great stuff that otherwise the children would not have had. As well as the fundraising aspect, the social events put on the PTA are really important - both for the children and the parents.
We really struggle with getting volunteers for our events and the committee. And its always "the same old people" that get involved. I also volunteer non-PTA stuff and its a totally thankless task. People are all too quick to complain or make "helpful" suggestions, but are usually not so quick to get involved themselves, or help put their suggestions into practice! And the only reason PTAs have the reputation of being cliquey is because nobody else gets involved to change this!
Get involved people - the PTA is there for YOUR children!

sigh I've been in so many positions like this - taking on work that I then feel I HAVE to do as no-one else will do it. It's known in some circles as the 'grunt' work. Emotional and practical unrewarded and unappreciated labour! Nowadays, I'm a lot tougher. If it was me, I would lay out very clearly in a big/letter and email why the job is too much for one person and say that either someone helps pick up the pieces - including planning and thinking time- or you leave. That way they get a warning and you've let them know the job is not a reasonable expectation.

Also, (and maybe controversial) I often ask myself 'would my male partner be expected to or expect to do this? And would I expect someone else to be able to do it?" If the answer is 'no,' I ditch it with no guilt!

I don't think anyone is saying PTA's aren't important :)
It does seem to be the people who have a job (pt/ft) who put in the work on the PTA in our school. They are never thanked, they are expected to relay messages, do all the chasing, provide endless (and thankless) amounts of time running stalls and baking cakes.

Every year we have a school xmas fair. In my 6th year now and not ONCE did I ever spend anytime with my own dc at the fair. Even with a baby/toddler in tow. So my dc remember fending for themselves and never seeing me/ doing the craft things with me/ visiting santa etc with me. They hate it. So it might be selfish but up until breaking point, they have generally been selfless. Often forgotten. Perhaps the selfish parents need a swift kick up the jacksie

I became Chair of our PTA by default as the chair resigned mid way through the year.

Tbh it wasn't too bad until there was particularly vicious attack via social media on the parents group fb site. I had weathered the slurs from the previous year but to have it 2 years in a row abut how shit we were and just generally awful was enough, particularly from people who never volunteered or supported the events we ran and that the PTA got the blame for schools decisions not to support certain event.

I hadn't joined to be trialled by social media and unsurprisingly all bar 2 people quit at the end of the year. And it's been enough to ensure I will never ever join another committee again.

Oh goodness! What have I gotten myself into?! All of my DS PTA team are leaving as they have all finished their terms so they are looking for new blood and I have kind of agreed with another mum to co-chair, we just need to be voted in at the next AGM. Hmm, wondering if now I should make my excuses and get out whilst I can?!

You give notice and don't do it. Why agree in the first place when you didn't want to do it. Ffs learn from this and be more assertive.
I'm not a PTA person either so would never get involved.
I'd do something about your shit dh too

My username says it all. It's directly related to volunteering.

My DH and I have been in ongoing volunteer hell for more than 15 years due to our kids' choice of activities. He's president of a sports club & I've ended up being unofficial administrator & taking over jobs he can't do due to real work- when we tracked time it was well over 1000 hours per year. We justified it because it allows not only our kids but all club members and coaches to benefit from a well run organization (it's essentially a small business run by volunteers), but over the years the crap we've taken from those who are "too busy" is unbelievable. Kept trying to train successors but no one wants to or has the skills to do the jobs. We have "mandatory" volunteer hours or cash payout, but that doesn't work for the ongoing jobs. We're just extricating from a situation with a dishonest volunteer. I have never met so many nasty people in my life - interestingly, the nicest ones are at the higher levels of the sport :-).

It has placed an enormous burden on our marriage and family - but DH is stubborn and won't walk away. There was no other option for our kids if they wanted to continue in the year round activity and they've succeeded to very high levels. Now, one is training elsewhere and the other in the last year and I see an end in sight.

I also did PTA project work, school & church volunteering (& we had dads on the PTA). Our PTA couldn't get enough volunteers either, and after years of it all falling on the same backs, we went to a mostly cash donation system with a few low effort/high producing events (silent auctions)and ended up with about the same amount of money. When people complained about the lack of events we asked them to organize them...they almost invariably didn't have time.

I've included my long history as a warning. I wish I'd set limits much earlier. My kids missed out on family time because of our volunteering for others. Not surprisingly, they are awesome volunteers themselves but know how to set limits :-)

You'll hear, if you step down, someone else will step in. They might...or might not. You'll hear, the kids will lose out - maybe, but not directly. They'll still go to school. No volunteering is worth putting your relationship and health at risk. As a PP said, you're not being selfish to resign - that adjective is reserved those who don't do anything but slam the people who do the work. If you do stay, set very, very firm limits on the time & effort you can provide.

There's a women's mentoring group near us that says volunteering is fine, but stay away from PTA's and volunteer sports boards - they'll drive you insane.

Just don't do it. You need to resign - its OK.

I was involved with our - I work FT and I'm a SP and I said I would help out when I could and I was happy to do that. It steadily increased and I started to feel a huge amount of pressure. I resigned.

They are now looking for a whole new PTA. The chair has had enough and yes it is like a FT job. It doesn't look like people are rushing to take over.

Yes its great to raise £4K a year or so, but will the world end without £1 per school trip contributions, or music week which the money was spent on? I don't think so.

I've been on the PTA for 4 years. The last 2 years have been great as we have a load of new members all willing to pull their weight with minimum of fuss. It's been fun. The years before were cliquey and difficult and ineffective and eventually 2 of us did everything despite the fact we had a massive committee just by virtue of turning up. Our new chair treats her role as a co-ordinator and gets other people roped in but doesn't do a huge amount herself - so it is possible. If there are no volunteers events don't run. The chair before did it all and made a martyr of herself. It's easily done.
I think you need to change the way you run it and make it clear to everyone. Or leave. Either way no-ones judging you or if they are they are arseholes.

I love the idea of everyone donating £20 per child per year - job done.

Yes without the blood, sweat, tears, and yes the martyrdom of the PTA it wouldn't be anywhere as near as much fun. Not to mention, who would all the non-contributors complain or give their "advice" too.

It would virtually RUIN the primary school system

Wow, poohbear has hit the nail on the head about how I feel. I am in my 7th year of PTA volunteering (I have had times when I just turned up and helped at events and others, like now, where I am on the committee and an active member) and whilst I do enjoy it, I have missed out on actually enjoying the activities with my DC. DH tends to help out at the events aswell as we are so short of volunteers so the kids literally roam around at fairs with money in the pocket for hours (or in DD1's case, not so much money in the pocket as she spends it in the first half an hour ) On a normal fair day, we take them to school at about 9am on a Saturday, they hang around for 2 hours whilst we set up before it starts, then the fair is on for 4 hours then it is another hour to tidy up so the kids are there for 7 hours Yes, their friends (whose parents are also on the PTA) are there aswell but they still get bored and who can blame them? We did a bingo activity earlier in the year - my children sat with another parent playing bingo whilst I was busy serving food. I could go on and on about this.

However, I persevere year after year as it is for a 'good cause' and the PTA is pretty much a group of my best friends (plus a couple of others - we are not at all cliquey though ) so I feel I can't let them down but actually I would like to just go and enjoy an event with my DC for once

This year, we have said no to a Christmas fair as we are such a small group, we just can't keep organising these big events with so few resources - this news hasn't reached the parents yet but I am sure that once it does, there will be moaners galore but who actually don't put any time or effort into helping

Anyway, rant over - upshot is if you don't want to do it, resign

the PTA is there for YOUR children
I'm not so sure about this.

I think PTA's are all about the parents. And summer fairs.

And where are the teachers in PTA? Its more PA these days isn't it as the teachers have enough on their plates.

Ah, it sucks OP

I have been fool enough to get roped in twice! And ended up doing 2 solid years of being responsible for the school cake stall fundraiser (twice a term, and every bloody Friday in the summer term)

My kids are at secondary now, and I just don't get involved.

Been there, done that, so much work and most parents just ate it all for granted.

The amount of CRAP I have had to deal with (complaints about the price mostly, parents either irate (IRATE!) at a price increase and having to stick to 30p. Those same parents then coming with cake tins on the Friday and loading them full of the best cakes on offer at bargain prices.)

The one thing I learned though (being unable to pull out was to:

• delegate or cancel, no volunteers/bakers? Right, this weeks cake stall is off

• Play everything back to people. Parent says: Such a shame there are no gluten free/dairy free/vegan cakes. Reply: "That is a brilliant idea, can I have you down for a batch of gluten free/dairy free/vegan cakes for next week?"

• parents who complain or have lots of "great ideas" but never actually help or get involved: say: "love your idea, can I put you down as leader for this?" then watch the idea evaporate

YANBU. I HATED being on the PTA. I'm a teacher. According to dh (who's a deputy head teacher) a lot of schools' management teams actually get utterly fed up with the PTA. Yes they do raise money for the school, but for a reasonably large school the budget is huuuge, and the relatively small amount of money raised by the PTA is just not worth the hassle involved. Even at my dc's teensy primary, the PTA do raise money for play equipment and to help with school trips, but tbh it seems a bit silly when the money they raise at the fete to help reduce the cost of school trips etc is all money spent by the parents anyway (probably on stuff they don't really want but feel they have to buy).

To add balance, I was involved in our primary PTA for the full 7 years my DD2 was there.
On the whole I really enjoyed it. I also think by DDs benefitted from seeing me (and DH) actively involved in the school and the community.

However we didn't 'over commit'. If people came along and said 'how about a quiz night' or whatever, we asked them to put together a proposal on how it could be run and then we decided. We tried very hard not to over ask of committee members. One person joined and said they couldn't help with events, but would make some signs. 7 years on their lovely reusable tombola, raffle, etc etc signs are still in use.

So I would say, do what you can, but don't be afraid to say No to things.