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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't be kicking up such a fuss

281 replies

Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 17:41

I had arranged to meet a friend this evening, and wasn't planning to get back late, so DH was going to take me to and pick me up from the train station. Train station is less than ten minutes away.

Now he is refusing to. If I want to go out I need to be responsible for myself, which is all very well and good except if he'd said something earlier I could have made arrangements earlier. Now I'm stuck Sad

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 15/10/2016 19:16

So. You were planning on a night out with a friend. Included in your plan was that DH would run to to & from the station and give you some money. You have since argued with DH and he is punishing you by withholding money and lift. You can't see any other option now (taxi too expensive, car not yours, etc).

Can you see from that how wrong this sounds? Why do you have to be given pocket money from your DH? Why do you not have equal access to transport? More concerning - why can you genuinely not see the other options? It suggests that you are conditioned to respond to your DH with passive acceptance.

Regardless of the plans for this one night, can you take a step back and look at the relationship as a whole? Can you change it to one where you and DH are on a more equal footing in terms of money, independence, time off? If not - is it one that you want to stay in?

AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:17

Yes. And he has manoevred you into that position.

Him.

Someone who loves and respects you would not do that

And you are so used to it, you think it's "normal"

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:18

Hic honestly I couldn't agree with you more. He thinks it's reasonable. Maybe once I did too or it wasn't worth kicking up a fuss about. But I do feel like it's wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:19

You too AF :)

OP posts:
Trulymadlymotherly · 15/10/2016 19:20

I think we can stop giving the OP solutions now. The night out is just a symptom of a very dysfunctional relationship. The bigger picture is that her partner is abusive and controlling.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:23

Yes, the night out has gone. Op is left realising this is the blueprint for the rest of her life. Ad infinitum. And every time she accepts he has won the battle, the war is further lost.

You will lose yourself eventually, love

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/10/2016 19:23

I think she already has AF

RandomMess · 15/10/2016 19:25

He really is being controlling...

He controls how easy it is for you to go out
He controls how expensive it is for you to go out
He controls how much money you have
He controls whether you have access to the car are not
He controls whether you can have a drink when you go or not.

You are married it's shared money, shared car, why has he sabotaged you having a rare night out that was to try and build friendships..?

Hmm great way to keep you isolated and dependent on him isn't it?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:25

What is a blue print? Sad

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 15/10/2016 19:27

Why are you with someone that is controlling you? This person isn't your parent. You are an adult and should be treated with respect and as equal. It shouldn't be up to him to give you money you should have access to it. There are now new laws in place to stop bullshit like this.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:28

A "blue print" in this context is a pattern for how your life is going to look into the future

Except it won't stay the same it will escalate as he realises he is able to wield this power over you and you still stay

JenLindleyShitMom · 15/10/2016 19:29

Op what is the reason for you having no access to money? Are you a compulsive gambler?

NicknameUsed · 15/10/2016 19:30

Any is saying that the rest of your life has been mapped out for you unless you change it.

Why are you in a vulnerable position that has left you with no money? Do you not work?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:31

Thank you for explaining that. Maybe not. I hope not.

I'm not a compulsive gambler no. But it is my fault as I spent my money so need to ask DH for money.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:32

What did you spend "your" money on ?

RubbishMantra · 15/10/2016 19:32

When DH was alive, he would get up an hour earlier than he needed to to drive me to uni on time. And make me a packed lunch while I was in the shower. And that lovely man loved his sleep. (I did the same for him on non uni days.)

That's just a tiny insight of what a loving relationship looks like. Not financial control, or dis-allowing you to use the family car.

Come on woman, hoik up your ovaries and meet your friend. You've been given many helpful alternatives on this thread.

Is there some more background that you've not told us?

laureywilliams · 15/10/2016 19:32

Have you thought about leaving? Do you have a job? Children?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:33

Oh shit if I am honest, I always do it. I am bad with money. I will admit that.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 15/10/2016 19:34

But it is my fault as I spent my money so need to ask DH for money.

What do you spend it on? Bills? Food? Michael Kors handbags and watches?

ClaudiaJean2016 · 15/10/2016 19:35

You need to have access to a car and money without having to rely on DH. Do you work? If not, you need to be working and bringing in your own money. Not being able to afford a £20 taxi ride and one night out without your DH giving you money is a problem.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:36

Nothing essential really. Tickets to see a different friend at half term, and petrol (which is essential) and some bits at the supermarket including some clothes. Toiletries.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 19:36

I don't care if the quarrel was 100% your fault (it wasn't), he's put himself in the wrong by locking down your access to funds and transport. It's abusive and it's terrifying that he's actually able to do that....why can't you draw cash yourself?

If you're insured on the car then just steal the keys, it's what I'd do. Or are you frightened of what he'd do in response? What would happen?

JenLindleyShitMom · 15/10/2016 19:36

Did you forget to budget for your night out or did you spend knowing DH would give you money?

DixieWishbone · 15/10/2016 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:37

Those are essential costs. He will benefit from them too.

You are being financially abused

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