To think most women have been victims of sexual assault? Has anyone not?

[Lighthouseturquoise]

Has anyone here honestly never been a victim of some kind sexual assault.

Even if not rape be it some drunk bloke groping you in a nightclub, a date getting heavy handed or pushy,

an ex boyfriend who just got carried away,

a sleazy boss or work colleague roughing your leg or making an appropriate remarks,

a friends boyfriend coming onto you,

a man thinking you were coming onto him because you were friendly then not taking no for an answer,

a boyfriend coercing you into sex or something as a teenager.

Getting beeped at or wolf whistled and feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable.

I think we sweep it all under the carpet and I bet the average woman during her life gets assaulted or harassed more than once.

I was catching up on graham norton and the scene from the movie mascot with Chris o'dwod was of a mascot sexually assaulting a woman by assimilating a sexual act behind her. Everyone found it funny. It shows that things like that is found funny and we can make fun of it and laugh because it's not penetration. It's one of those things that we don't even notice that it's wrong on all levels.

My first reaction was to say I haven't been sexually assaulted. But...

• A man grinding his semi-erect penis against my hip on the tube. I think similar things have actually happened several times before but I was less certain of what was happening and whether it was on purpose.
• Ex-BF continuing to have anal sex with me (or rather, do anal sex to me) while knowing it was painful and not enjoyable for me; I didn't actually tell him to stop but I hadn't said he could either and he could tell it hurt. Felt so shocked and (weirdly) ashamed the next day.
• Penetration without a condom, without consent for the lack of condom.
• Being shouted at by men in passing cars, regularly over the years, about body parts from my bum to my breasts.
• Weird man trying to get me to get in to his car as I made my way home in my school uniform at 13.
• Different BF removing my coil by pulling it out. Without asking. (He had a fetish about getting me pregnant; stupidly I thought it was because he loved me etc etc).
• Older married step-family-member walking into the room where I was staying. He was naked, drunk, with an erection, and just wanted a cuddle. Thankfully he went away when I told him to.

When I read that, I think it is odd that my first reaction is to think 'oh, nothing bad like that has happened to me'. It is normalised to the extent that I feel lucky.

Yep. The worst I don't want to describe even on here. But also being grabbed in the street by a complete stranger who ran his hand up my leg. Harassment at work, two different guys at different times.

Interesting thread. I had never considered some of my experiences as assault, but can tick a lot of those on the list. Also had a childhood serious assault which the person was sentenced for, this was named sexual assault too at the time. To compare that with some of the listed things above doesn't make sense in my case. I suppose the term has a broad meaning.

most women?? not me...

Yes many times (this thread has stirred up a lot of uncomfortable memories that have been buried for a long time) and I fear that my lovely DDs will have all this and more to contend with (sexting, violent porn etc). Feeling quite sad really.

Yes. Unfortunately numerous times. Twice very seriously including once by my stbxh.

I also don't know any women who hasn't been a victim at some time or other.

Yes I have and so have most of my friends. We are in our 50's now and it mostly happened when we were younger, we never thought to report it and the one time I did (a man out jogging pushed me against a wall and grabbed my breasts , put his hand between my legs) , the police weren't interested.
Some months later a student was raped by a jogger on our local university campus and I often wonder if it was the same man, the police never came back to me and I feel bad that I never contacted them

Yes, I have on a couple of occasions, when I worked in a bar as a student. Nothing serious, but I was horrified when they happened

I have been several times, by various men in several different situations. First time was when I was 14 and waiting at a bus stop in broad daylight. The man was about 40, he walked straight up to me and asked my name and groped my chest. I remember backing away from him and saying "Why should I tell you?" and he made me feel less like I was being rude not to tell him. Really odd and scary. I was really shaken and upset but never told anyone. I was too embarrassed. I've never told anyone up until now. I remember it vividly though, even though it happened 27 years ago. I even remember what I was wearing (baggy beige t-shirt, dark blue jeans, stripy cardigan).

I have found this thread very painful to read. So much abuse and suffering at the hands of men. We are so silent about so much of this abuse. It is like this secret of womanhood.

I love all of you who have shared your stories, not because I know you but because I understand your pain and I love your honesty. To honour your truths, I will share some of mine.

at about 5 yrs old when visiting a friend of my Mum's, I was taken to the basement to play by the friend's son, older than me by how much I don't know. He put his hands down my knickers and felt my vulva and vagina (although I didn't know those words at the time). I literally had no words for this. I told nobody.

at about 7/8 years old I was sitting on the back step of an abandoned house on our street. My brothers and other kids were inside exploring the house. One of the older boys came and sat beside me. He put his hand down my knickers and felt my vulva and vagina and asked: " do you like this ?. Again, I did not have the words to even describe any of that at the time. I told nobody.

when I was 8/9/10 ish a priest used to visit our family (Catholic) each week and insist that I sit on his knee. He would jiggle me around and I felt uncomfortable and wrong and slightly sick but I had no words to describe this. I told nobody.

when I was 13/14ish an ex-employee of my Dad gave me a lift in his car from one village to the next. During this ride he started talking about my breasts and asked me what I would do if he turned off the main road and tried to touch them.

when I was 16 I got a lift home from an evening school event ( a play practice) from a teachers's husband who kissed me full on.

During my first two years of university I had men expose their penises to me on four occasions: once when I was buying a brief-case in a department store; once when I was entering a tube station early in the morning; once when I was just walking along the street (he knocked on the window of his car to attract my attention); and once when I was walking home from a public swimming pool

when I was 20, living in digs at University, my room was broken into by a strange man and I was raped . Aggravated...there was a weapon. I rang the police from the communal phone box. Court case and sentence.

when I was 25, six months pregnant with my first child, my husband's best friend grabbed me one night and kissed me full on. WTF.

one evening, when I was 29, I was rushing from the tube at Liverpool St Station to a train after work and a man coming towards me grabbed me in the crotch

sheesh, I can't even remember the next couple of decades. Just the usual cat-calls bullshit. I do remember the shock of getting old and this shit still fucking going on. So let's forget a couple of decades.

when I was 54, I was sitting on a train in the window seat. heading towards a nice theatre evening in London, when some guy half my age starts groping my thigh. I was reading a hard-back. I whacked him on the face with the book and screamed. I have that book and the blood from his nose.

when I was 55, I was out my road-bike and a guy in a car slowed down and slapped me on the butt and yelled "hee-hah". I was almost knocked off my bike. I noted the car details in the note-book I keep in my tool bag and continued on my 25 mile ride, fuming and thinking. The next day I went to the police. No point in labouring the details but I was very satisfied with the result.

Anyway, I'm in my early 60's now. Sometimes I despair.

Can't remember exactly how old I was but less than 14, my uncle started coming into my room and kissing me. He'd hold me for what seemed like ages. I only remembered this about 10 years ago when I was in my early 30s.

Ex husband once decided we were having sex and that was that! I didn't get a say.

Have just read the entire thread. It's so utterly shocking at one level, and yet so unsurprising at another. It's deeply, deeply depressing.

I too have experienced sexual assault, on a number of occasions. Never reported. Thankfully not as awful as some of the experiences here, but still unwanted and disturbing.

I have an 11yo dd. I just don't know what to say to her about this stuff. Don't want to scare her, but equally, I want her to know that she shouldn't have to put up with what so many of us have silently endured.

I'm male and I've had my bum pinched, nuts grabbed, propositioned, flashed at......by both males and females.

Anyone who works in uniform seems to be fair game to some women.

So men get subjected to it too.

Those last bits were the least of it - because, for women, that experience is so common as to not really be worthy of much note.

That's the thing, for men, for thé most part, their worst is our least.

It took me a long time to admit to myself but I was coerced into losing my virginity to my boyfriend when I was 16. I kept saying no, he kept agreeing and then getting 'too enthusiastic' again over and over until over the course of the afternoon he wore me down and I just gave up saying no. I've still not told my mum because at the time I had to fight to convince her it was all consensual and I only called her in tears afterwards because I was 'feeling emotional'. Deep down I knew it wasn't really, and although I stayed with him for 2 years it took 6 months before I agreed to have sex with him again, but I had to get good at taking care of his needs in other ways. He turned out to be quite emotionally abusive near the end, not helped by my having severe depression and trying to push his buttons. It all became very toxic on both sides really and I think that was partly because I never forgave him for forcing me the first time.

I was raped when I was 21. Got too drunk and stayed at a friend's house. They had some other friends over and one thought he'd have a go. I said no and pushed him off eventually, but not before he'd penetrated me with fingers and more. The CPS told me that was considered rape (I thought they had to 'finish' inside you) and pressed charges. The court case was thrown out because I'd previously had a one night stand (my only ever one).

Been grabbed and grinded against many times, harassed by a drunk teacher in a lift when I was 18 and on a school trip and also at 18 I was prepositioned by a celebrity (who wasn't part of the Yewtree investigations, but has been done for historical sex offences in the same timeframe) who gave me some very vile abuse when I refused his advances.

most women?? not me...

struggling to understand this post considering the posts that have gone before.

Do you mean - which is what I take it to mean

"don't be ridiculous about it happening to most women, it didn't happen to me so it didn't happen to most women"?

Or do you mean something different? I think you need to clarify.

*I'm male and I've had my bum pinched, nuts grabbed, propositioned, flashed at......by both males and females.

Anyone who works in uniform seems to be fair game to some women.*

I would say men probably get more physical 'assaults' than women !

Sickofthetantrum

I'm so glad you did this.

As teachers we are taught never to touch a child. Obviously there are times you do, nut you must be able to justify it.

I recently hi fived a child, what was going through my mind was, "there is a room full of people including another adult and this child initiated the contact, I can justify this".

That is what a teacher/school worker should be thinking.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster

Have you ever been raped? Because I can tell you there are women on this thread sho have and are not saying.

When your arse was grabbed was it through clothing? Did anyone's fingers penetrate you?

When you were uncomfortable at work were you scared?

How many times were you groped at secondary school? At primary school? Before you started school?

How many times was this done by someone twice your size? The fact you didn't have your boxers forcibly taken from you implies they were not bigger and stronger, that you were not a child, that it is so rare you recall it not something that happens daily and that you fear will happen to your son.

What would be relevant to this thread would be if you told us if you have ever beeped/wolf whistled/groped or raped a woman and if you have ever attempted to stop another man doing this.

One last thought, if you go to prison your chances of rape in prison will be the dame chance as any female, from 0-110 years being raped.

Pipthedog that is something that should not have happened to you.

Men do get subjected to it too.

Have you been raped anally? Have to be orally raped? Have you been held down and squashed by someone's superior weight while they penetrate you ? Have to been choked out so that they can overpower you? Have you had to be stitched in an orifice (vagina and anus, in. My case) as a result of sexual assault?

If you tried to stop those women were you beaten? Did you have black eyes and teeth knocked out? Three broken fingers? Scars from a belt?

Notpartof that statement is simply not backed up by the facts.

Wow this is a pretty devastating thread.

It's happened to me a couple of times-

-Group of teen boys at a party aged 16; plied me with vodka until I was past it then were surrounding me trying to kiss me. Thankfully a fried saw and pulled me out- I was very slight and wouldn't have been able to myself.

-Aged 18, another teenage boy pushed me against a wall at a party and tried to have sex with me. I said no, he stopped. He told all his friends we went through with it and they taunted me at school from then on. No amount of me saying it didn't happen could do anything. Later turned out he'd been DARED to have sex with someone at the party- they were literally joking about me being his "victim".

-Was at a concert with a friend aged 19 and there were 2 men behind us. They kept trying to talk to us but we were ignoring and wanted nothing to do with them. Suddenly felt one put his hand between my legs and strongly grab my crotch. I grabbed my friend, elbowed said man and ran a mile.

-Numerous times being groped in clubs, have had the pleasure of being called frigid when I've reacted to it too.

-In my first job out of uni, older colleague came behind me and picked me up under my armpits to move me out of his way instead of just asking. Said man had a form for being creepy with all the younger women in the department. Thankfully my manager was on it like a ton of bricks.

First reading this post I thought nope, not me I must be lucky. Then I've thought on it and can't believe what I'd forgotten.

About 13/14 when a group of older men pulled over and tried to coerce me and my friend into a car.

17 when my ex stabbed a condom with a needle before we had sex. We'd got back together after I cheated on him, and getting pregnant would have taught me a lesson apparently. I found this out months later, fucked up thing was I didn't break up with him until a year later.

With some of the stupid situations I put myself in as a teenager from 15-18 I'm surprised worse things didn't happen. I'm very fortunate in that sense. Although I often wonder if I've repressed anything horrible, remember checking a sexual health check done at 16 and Dr remarked it looked evident I had sexual intercourse too early. I never got clarity on what s

Oops pressed post too early.

Meant to add I never got clarity on what exactly she meant but there are some memories as a child which are patchy so i could have blocked stuff out. Never told anyone that though, I'll never know for sure and maybe that's a good thing.

Can't believe the horrific abuses woman have suffered I really thought these occrances were a rarity. How niave am I.

I've actually remembered some others. When I was 18 a guy I had been flirting with in a nightclub grabbed me, pulled me round a dark corner outside at the end of the night, and held me against the wall by my throat with one hand, whilst kissing me, and started trying to pull down my knickers with the other. There are decent men out there too though, as a couple of male strangers dragged him off me and sent him packing. But at that age it honestly didn't even occur to me that what he'd done was actually assault...and I'd never have reported it even if I'd known because he was well known in my home town due to his good looks and sporting ability so people would have hated me.

I am not surprised that so many of us have experienced harassment and/or assault. Remember when people started whistling, catcalling and shouting abuse when I was 14 (some of it sarcastic as I wasn't a very attractive teenager, but utterly horrible when done by gangs of men). This is the first time I have written this but I arranged to go to Glastonbury 98 festival with two others when I was at uni. On the journey there, I somehow got separated from them but one of them had my tent and I had noway to find/ contact her as we didn't have mobiles then. It was raining v heavily when I got there and I had nowhere to go. One guy, who ran a burger van, took pity on me and said I could stay in their tent. Which I did. An hour later one of his mates, who was meant to be running an all-night stall, got into the tent, cuddled up against me and started groping and fondling me, sticking his hand in my jumper, groping my breasts. He kept saying "you're very cautious aren't you? Sex is a great stress reliever you know." Also how he liked getting "nice and touchy-feely ... Some people don't like it, but that's me." Up til then, I always thought if that happened to me, I would scream and kick them in the balls, but I was frozen and in shock, I think, which I think he took as consent to go further. It was only when one of the other guys intervened that he stopped. Of course I never reported it, the others had been smoking cannabis ( and i tried two puffs for the first time ... not a mindblowing experience it must be said) and I believed that would be used against me somehow.