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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think most women have been victims of sexual assault? Has anyone not?

989 replies

Lighthouseturquoise · 15/10/2016 17:19

Has anyone here honestly never been a victim of some kind sexual assault.

Even if not rape be it some drunk bloke groping you in a nightclub, a date getting heavy handed or pushy,

an ex boyfriend who just got carried away,

a sleazy boss or work colleague roughing your leg or making an appropriate remarks,

a friends boyfriend coming onto you,

a man thinking you were coming onto him because you were friendly then not taking no for an answer,

a boyfriend coercing you into sex or something as a teenager.

Getting beeped at or wolf whistled and feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable.

I think we sweep it all under the carpet and I bet the average woman during her life gets assaulted or harassed more than once.

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 16/10/2016 20:03

Why is certwin types of goady fuckery allowed? I'm totally bewildered

paxillin · 16/10/2016 20:04

I think reporting and hoping HQ see it for what it is is the best thing to do.

flippinada · 16/10/2016 20:05

Yes, I can imagine that anyone considering sharing their story will think twice after that interlude.

flippinada · 16/10/2016 20:10

Strawberry I always avoid sitting next to men on public transport for exactly that reason.

Auser it's against posting guidelines but by the time MN are alerted to it and take action the damage has often been done.

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/10/2016 20:11

The man didn't mean anything by it of course, he didn't see anything wrong with grabbing a random woman round the waist and accidentally having a bit of a fumble

And that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

To many men, it is a right - they are entitled to have `"a bit of fun", and those women who don't acquiesce are "frigid", or "lezzas", or "can't take a bit of fun". Of course, when we do acquiesce - because we are frightened, or shocked, or out of our depth (as children are) or don't know what to do - we are "tarts' and "gagging for it".

The sense of sexual entitlement of some men is terrifying.

And when a rape or assault case gets to court, not only is the woman dragged over the coals, but everyone is worried about "ruining" a man's life by convicting him of something like rape or sexual assault. It is rare for anyone to even wonder if the woman's life has been affected in any way - let alone ruined. And yet we can see from this thread that even comparatively minor assaults have lasting and dreadful effects.

There is a tendency, too, to minimise the effects of a rape when the woman and man have had (or are having) a sexual relationship, or are even related. Somehow it's "not so bad" - and in some ways it's not - but many women then end up not being able to trust ANY man, because this particular man, who has claimed to love her/care for her, has forced her to do something repugnant to her, and has hurt her physically, emotionally and psychically.

Until we, as a society, get away from the idea that men can't control their urges, so women have to tolerate them (and who a bloody insult that is to men, too, to imply that they treat the mercy of their bollox) we will never take sexual assault really seriously.

Interesting though, that if a man's "hormones'` "force" him to rape, it isn't his fault, but if a woman's "hormones" make her edgy and irritable, then she should learn to control her temper and calm herself down.

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/10/2016 20:12

*they are at the mercy - not they treat the mercy

RebelRogue · 16/10/2016 20:27

It's funny how he needs to be believed by speaker...when no one actually doubted him to begin with.

Also,please don't fucking apologise in my name. You have no right!

Eastpoint · 16/10/2016 20:33

Had my breasts squeezed from behind by a boy at a party, automatically punched him & I was considered to be out of order by the other boys. Had my breasts squeezed by someone from a higher year at school, he leaned out of a car & grabbed them when I went to say hello. Have been flashed at. A random drunk man was being escorted out of McDonald's when I was 11 by two police, he managed to grab me hard between the legs but no one stopped & checked on me (1970s). Nothing much since I was 19. I probably give off the don't touch me vibe now as I know I'd punch/kick automatically.

CharlieSierra · 16/10/2016 20:36

My DD just came round for lunch today and I mentioned this thread to her, and how shocked I am about the number of women here saying nope, never happened to me. She said 'but that's impossible', it's impossible to have got through puberty into adult womanhood without experiencing routine casual sexual harassment on an ongoing basis. It happens all the time. We just minimise it so as not to be accused of making a fuss about nothing, we misinterpreted, they didn't mean it, etc., etc.,

loobyloo1234 · 16/10/2016 20:53

Isn't it sad that so many of us have experienced one or more of these things? Hmm Ask men if they've had any of these things happen to them and the results will be very different

I don't think all of these things listed in the OP are 'assault' per se though ...

One of my Dad's 'friends' from years ago and who he is no longer friends with stuck his tongue down my throat when I was 13 ... he was probably about 50. Absolutely disgusting. I dread to think what else he may have done to others Sad

witsender · 16/10/2016 20:55

Fleur the majority of people on here who have been assaulted weren't in clubs, or even on dates. Have you actually read the thread, or just decided that your good "old fashioned" ways are to thank for your good fortune? Hmm

flippinada · 16/10/2016 20:56

Charlie I think it's not so much that it hasn't happened to people but down to conditioning - particularly with women of my generation (I was born mid 70s) and older. Women and girls now do speak out about it more and make a fuss, which is how it should be.

I remember a recent-ish conversation with my Mum about sexual harrassment in the workplace. Her opinion was that SH was something that just happened and it was awful but you were just expected to put up or shut up. That attitude is still around to some extent (you see it on here) but it's being challenged more and more now so there is some progress there, at least.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 16/10/2016 20:56

Be interested in the reply to that one wit

LittleGreyCatwithapinkcollar · 16/10/2016 21:00

Once had a random chap in a club grab my hand and shove it down his trousers to his erect penis. Managed to get away, grab my friends and leave the place. Wasn't so lucky walking home alone having list my flat mate on a night out at uni. Dragged into a multistorey car park and raped by a total stranger. He knew what he was doing - knew the bits of the car park without cctv coverage. I reported it to the police a week later, but the specialist officer scared me out of actually doping anything vy telling me what was likely to happen if they ever found him and it got to court etc. I wanted to forget it and pretend it never happened. Not sure I've managed that though.

Ausernotanumber · 16/10/2016 21:01

Fleur. I went to school with mine.

I have never had a blind date in my life.

Mist of my rapes happened in my own bed. With my kids next door sleeping. Or even in a Moses basket next to the bed. And once with a very few week old shoved over to the side of the bed.

My current boyfriend is lovely. But that does not negate my experience.

Lighthouseturquoise · 16/10/2016 21:07

2kids just to pick up on what you said about people minimising and thinking rape within a relationship isn't as bad.

I was raped my an ex boyfriend, even my dad who was very supportive made a remark about it can't be as bad as a woman raped by a stranger in the street.

For me personally, I would have to agree, it wasn't as gruesome and horrific. Although what it did do was make me feel very vulnerable from then on. It did make me feel violated. It took away my control over my own body.

I soon realised that any boyfriend or known male could rape me and probably easily get away with it. One of the worst things for me was knowing that most people didn't believe me.

For me low level stuff has gradually chipped away at me.

OP posts:
flippinada · 16/10/2016 21:08

Bloody hell GreyCat, how awful - I'm so sorry. I don't know if you've been in touch with Rape Crisis? I found them very supportive.

Lighthouseturquoise · 16/10/2016 21:14

Littlegrey Flowers

This thread has been an eye opener for me. I always thought it was only women that are raped within relationships or on dates that didn't report.

It's terrifying to realise how many women have been through stranger rape and it has gone unreported.

OP posts:
CharlieSierra · 16/10/2016 21:19

I'm older than you flippinada and I agree about the conditioning, often we will freeze and think maybe they didn't mean to do that, how can I cause a fuss, I have no proof etc. I think it's terribly sad that even now my DD, a young, confident woman of her generation has routinely experienced the same relentless ongoing harrassment that I have put up with since I grew breasts.
Lighthouse when I wanted to divorce my first husband for raping me, firstly I couldn't because there was no such thing as rape within marriage, and second, my father suggested marriage guidance counselling. Hmm

flippinada · 16/10/2016 21:26

I hear you Charlie. I'm glad things are beginning to charge but is depressing to reflect on how little progress we've made. I remember when marital rape was made illegal, in 1991 IIRC.

ocelot41 · 16/10/2016 21:31

Groped in school daily as a teenager, attempted rape as a student, stalked for several years. What surprises me when I am open about it is how many women say "me too". Most friends have their own experiences. Little since I turned 40 - it is a relief.

CharlieSierra · 16/10/2016 21:35

Little since I turned 40 - it is a relief I wish I could say the same. These days it's just that the men doing it are older!

Felascloak · 16/10/2016 21:42

Not had anything for ages but a couple of weeks ago got the benefit of a frotteur on the tube Angry It was busy so I didn't cotton on at first then I didn't know what to say. Sad I just got off at the next stop.
Someone I worked with pulled open the back of my trousers to check if I was wearing underwear. In the staff room. I didn't report that.
Someone got jailed for indecently assaulting me as a teen and multiple other girls aged 10 to 16 over a thirty years period. It was in a youth setting. Apparently there had been rumours and he left the club for approx ten years, when they were short staffed they asked him back. I was standing next to one of the other leaders after he'd been jailed, that leader asked the management why he'd been let back given the rumours and she said "needs must when the devil drives". Angry

I'm surprised there are women out there who've never been groped or worse. You are very lucky.

LittleWingSoul · 16/10/2016 21:52

Auser that is so so awful, so glad you managed to get out.

My experience with rape within marriage - I was so messed up, depressed and confused I ended up going to psychosexual counselling thinking there was something wrong with me for hating his advances so much. As soon as it came out that he was emotionally and physically abusive towards me (I guess the former is part and parcel of the latter) the counsellor told me outright to have my bags packed and ready and to find a safe get-out for me and my young DD. The raping was just a part of the abuse.

And yes, down the line I think this type of rape has damaged me in a completely different way to the 'stranger rape' I experienced age 14 (think I said 15 in a pp but thinking over everything last night and having a bit of a cry over a few whiskys at 3am I worked out the time line a bit better).

Catsize · 16/10/2016 22:37

Yes, several times.

Hard to type that. Admitting it to yourself can be hard I guess.

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