To think most women have been victims of sexual assault? Has anyone not?

[Lighthouseturquoise]

Has anyone here honestly never been a victim of some kind sexual assault.

Even if not rape be it some drunk bloke groping you in a nightclub, a date getting heavy handed or pushy,

an ex boyfriend who just got carried away,

a sleazy boss or work colleague roughing your leg or making an appropriate remarks,

a friends boyfriend coming onto you,

a man thinking you were coming onto him because you were friendly then not taking no for an answer,

a boyfriend coercing you into sex or something as a teenager.

Getting beeped at or wolf whistled and feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable.

I think we sweep it all under the carpet and I bet the average woman during her life gets assaulted or harassed more than once.

I mean literally never heard a wolf whistle - I presumed it was just something that happened on TV. I live in a city, too, not the middle of nowhere)

Nor have I. A friend told me when she lived in London a bloke walked up to her and another woman and made an obscene comment but apart from that I can't recall hearing other women being cat- called.

I know some men have been sexually harrassed or assaulted.

I also know almost all women have. All of the women I know well enough to talk about it have been.

And again, it's a different experience for women, because you know you can be overpowered.

1Dad2Kids

Still not sure whether a male would be ablate maintain an erection during a "forced act" as opposed to a coerced act.

The only "forced act"of male rape I can bring to mind was an account of one which occurred in a prisoner of war camp (sorry - read this some time ago and can't recall the provenance). A Russian female POW in a German camp made advanced towards a man, and having excited him, placed something around his end which prevented it from subsiding. She and a number of other women the forced him to have intercourse.

This is, as you can appreciate is a Very Unusual Situation, and it is unlikely to happen often. And it is also a power situation, and one where the victim was physically overwhelmed.

As others have mentioned, the physical strength of the rapist, and the fear of the damage that may occur, is what is terrifying to many women.

I can accept that men may be humiliated, that they may be blackmailed or that they may be tricked by women. I find it hard to accept that many of them can be physically overwhelmed, or physically forced to have (heterosexual) intercourse in any form.

1Dad it is actually only men who need to not be rapey. 90%of of people raped are women. Those figures are reflected in serious sexual assault.

The male experience is not the same. It just isn't.

So is the difference is physical inequality. Would the problem be eradicated if we all woke up tomorrow with equal physical builds? Do we still live in a world where the physically strongest rule the roost?

By the way I am not having ago. I am just exploring some ideas. The question raised some interesting thoughts.

I really aren't bothered about beeping and wolf whistling. Doesn't happen as much these days but I don't see it as sexual harassment.

If you do, that's up to you but don't put words into everyone's mouth.

I have never had any of those things done to me. I've been chatted up in a bar. Would this also be sexual harassment .

Male sexual violence is a problem. Sexual assault of women by men is a problem. Pretending it isn't a gendered problem, pretending men are just as much at risk and pretending women pose just as much threat helps no one and just prevents anything being done about it because NAMALT and women do it too blah blah blah.

I am quite prepared to say now that there aren't many women exposing themselves to teenage boys, grinding up against men on public transport and driving round shouting sexual comments to men walking doen the street. Anyone claiming that women do anything like this on anywhere near the scale of men is talking absolute bollocks.

And can an averagely-built man really feel that threatened by the average woman?

What could they actually do to him? They might make him feel uncomfortable and violated - but not in fear of his life.

Those are both really good points.

I think people understand that men are, on the whole, bigger and stronger than women but I don't think people actually realise just how much stronger the average man is than the average woman.

I was raped five years ago. He pinned me down to the bed and no matter how hard I tried to fight him off I just couldn't. And believe me I did try but no matter how hard I tried to push him away from me I just couldn't budge him. I think he was even holding me down with just one arm at one point but I still couldn't push him away.

It terrified me and not just because I seriously thought he was going to kill me but because of how quickly and easily he was able to grab me, overpower me and hold me down.

This might sound stupid but I never actually realised just how much physically stronger men are until that day. I obviously knew they were stronger but I always just thought that they were just a bit stronger but not really by much iyswim.

That's why I'm always a bit when people talk about how women take advantage of men just as often as the other way round or that they sexually assault/rape men just as much as the other way round. 99% of women simply aren't strong enough to overpower a man and sexually assault him.

I know there is no way I could hold a man down and force anything on him. Even if I tried to I'm sure he would have no problem pushing me away or fighting me off. However I know for a fact that a man would have (and has had) no problem overpowering me and there wouldn't be much I could do about it.

Lass have you never had men beep their horn at you or shout waaheeey as they went past in the car, or builders say 'alright love give us a smile' when you walk past? I believe you don't think you have heard it, but I just don't think it's possible it can not have happened to you. This is because it has happened to me so many times in so many different places and situations. It is just so different to my reality if this has never happened to you. Maybe you didn't notice!

heatallthebuns

excellent post.

Yes, the physically strongest rule the roost.

Men make up most governments (far and away), and men* are responsible for most wars and violence, at a political and personal level.

This is the reality.

*NAMALT

2kids2dogsnosense It can happen. There are accounts of it and military personal are taught not to feel bad about because it truly doesn't reflect any consent of enjoyment. For men it is a very taboo subject and it is not something that a lot will choose to account.

Men do get sexually assaulted - but mostly by other men.

Also this is a thread about women's experience of sexual assault and the very high prevalence (almost universality) of that experience. I think sexual assault on men needs another thread as the nuances are different.

I'm actually not at all surprised to hear Lass has never experienced this!

So is the difference is physical inequality. Would the problem be eradicated if we all woke up tomorrow with equal physical builds?

Well that is a pointless comment.

It isn't just physical power no. It's the privilege that every male has within our society. Men are advantaged in nearly every arena. We are socialised to believe things about gender roles from the very start.
A male sexually assaulting a women is an extension of this power.

There are many women on here who have shared hideous experiences, They may not want you using g this as a forum to explore your ideas. But I'm not the boss of the Internet.

No, I haven’t. It's quite offensive to not be believed, quite frankly.

I was raped when I was 18 by someone who groomed me, although at that time I had no idea what grooming was. I remember it vividly and how I was left hurting and scrubbed myself until I bled in the bath afterwards because I felt so violated and disgusted. 15 years later, my drink was spiked on holiday and I was sexually assaulted. I have no memory of the evening but I was very bruised and sore the next morning and in no doubt as to what had happened. I didn't report either incident because I was too ashamed. I met my husband shortly afterwards, but find any intimacy difficult. Unfortunately I had a very difficult time having my son, and had quite a medicalised birth - induction, waters broken after 4 attempts as I was so tense, episiotomy, emergency ventouse delivery, distressed baby (and mother)... My body went into shock as the memories of the rape came flooding back and subsequently I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress. It's something I don't talk about much. My parents and some of my closest friends are totally unaware of what happened to me. My husband is great and understanding, but I am wracked with guilt at the lack of a sex life. Most of the time I think I'm OK, but writing this I have tears streaming down my face and realise maybe I am not OK after all.... :-( I feel so sad.

I'm another one who lives alone. I'm always wary about letting strange men in to my house when work needs to be done or the metre needs reading and I know I'm not the only woman who feels that way.

Obviously I know most men aren't rapists and aren't going to attack me. But rapists don't have horns or the letter r tattooed on their forehead. And if one of those men did decide to attack me then there would be little I could do to stop him.

Do men (on the whole) fear letting stranger women into their house? Somehow I doubt it.

Lots of incidents when I was younger - the fact that I'd often been drinking seemed to make me 'fair game'. At 42, I expected this sort of crap to tail off. Got chatting to a guy in his eighties who sits on a bench near my local shop. He recently lost his wife and was clearly lonely, so I was more than willing to spend a few moments talking to him.

A couple of times, he talked about wanting to give me a cuddle, or come home with me. I laughed it off - until a few days ago when he made a really explicit remark about how he'd like to perform oral sex on me. I was so stunned, I again smiled politely and waved goodbye - and then felt angry and disgusted with myself for not calling him out on it. When I should have felt angry and disgusted with him.

Boundaries - that would mean that the other 20% were men raped BY OTHER MEN. The problem is vastly, overwhelmingly, men.

And actually, a lot of the reason why is that most sexual assault is not about sex at all. It is about power.

Catcalling is about putting women in their place a sex objects.

Groping is about 'I am entitled to your body'

Rape is a violent, humiliating, power-struggle. It is not about sex.

I think when women grope men - as some brash and drunk women might - they are not doing it in the spirit of making you feel small and powerless. They probably think they are being 'cheeky' and that is annoying, but it is not about power.

Why?

Because they know they have none.

Men have the power. Not just physically, as you ask, but also in terms of society's attitude to the balance of power.

Please read the stories on here.

Women are talking about situations where they felt utterly powerless. Powerless to act at the time and powerless to do anything after the event.

It is not the same for men.

You are living life as a member of the privileged class, so it is unsurprising that you don't understand. It would be nice if you listened to the women on this thread, though, instead of thinking about yourself and men as a whole - because that wasn't the question.

I think people understand that men are, on the whole, bigger and stronger than women but I don't think people actually realise just how much stronger the average man is than the average woman.

Completely agree. DH is the same height and weight as me. I am much fitter than him at the moment. He could easily overpower me. No problem.
Luckily he doesn't being a wonderful man (and also a proud feminist).

I'm actually not at all surprised to hear Lass has never experienced this!

And what is that supposed to mean Dowager ?

Am I not giving you the right answer?

Ralph, I'm pretty sure it's a lot worse to not be believed when you have.