To make DS go to this party?

[Rollergirl1]

DS (8) received an invitation from a boy in his class for his birthday. He doesn't play with the boy at all.

Just to give some background the boy has quite significant behavioural problems and I think he has a statement. He has anger issues and can get quite aggressive and disruptive in class (throwing chairs around and lashing out) and there have also been cases of him biting and punching other children in the class. But DS says he has been a lot better lately. There was also another boy in the class who was very very disruptive and he was excluded about a year ago.

Anyway, it is a laser quest party and DS really likes this activity. I asked DS if he wanted to go when we first got the invitation and he said that he wanted to see who else from his class was going. He kept forgetting to ask other people though and in the end he said yes he wanted to go so I replied to the mum saying yes.

Since then he has found out that not really anyone else from his class is going but the boy that was excluded is. Now DS doesn't want to go. I am telling him that he has to as we replied to say we were and it is not fair to back out at the last minute. Also I feel a bit sorry for the boy if not many people are going (although I don't actually know who has been invited).

DS is really dreading going now and I feel bad making him but think that if we let him back out now it is not giving a good message.

WWYD?

User - don't be daft. I was talking about benign things, like going to this party, or perhaps asking your young DD to wear the dress that Granny gave her when she goes to visit Granny - even if she hates the dress and never wears it again, it would give Granny pleasure to see her in it, and won't hurt DD for a couple of hours. Obviously I'm not going to suggest that your 16 year old (or mine) should submit to sexual assault just to keep someone else happy - I'd also not say that this wouldn't hurt the 16 year old, either, so wouldn't apply here. Have a little common sense!

My ds went to the party of a similarly disruptive boy from his class. Very few children came. Ds and this boy became really good friends, he realised at the party that in addition to being a pita at times, this boy is also bags of fun.

Exactly, their sn does not define them as a person. They have characters and personalities like any other child. There is a lot of ignorance here, why shouldn't birthday boy be allowed laser quest, mabey he really loves it. There are some very sad stories on here. User you cannot say such sweeping statements without knowing the support in place for this boy. When my friends ds has a party heis constantly supervised by his dad,who removes him from the situation if he is starting to get angry. Leaving my friend at the party with the rest of the kids.

notangelina - you made me well up with that!! That's so lovely that your daughter made that pact, and actually did celebrate the boy's birthday every year. That small thing of going to his party has probably created life long friendships between the three. Just lovely!!

papillon how lovely and notNgelina sometimes it's about fear of the unknown

notangelina - That is so lovely!

notangelina. Maybe I'm a miserable old trout, but; might it have been kinder for your dd and the other boy involved to simply invite the "outsider" boy (for want of a better term) to their own parties / getogethers, rather than making him a secret friend and establishing at the age of 11 that he was already so far outside the group that there was no way in?
They seem to have made a sort of pet of him

I didn't get that impression flogging, I wonder if he was invited to their parties, not one side.

NotAngelina - what a great story. that act of kindness built a friendship and you will never know how those two kids turning up helped the overall outcome of that lad who may have felt so very different if no one had turned up. And the parents too. As you say when no one turns up, how devastating that would be for any child.
Well done to you and daughter.

Notangelinajolie what a wonderful story!

Your family made the right decision OP. Well done!

Flogging you seem to be jumping to some conclusions there?

Just checking in to update. Everything was absolutely fine. DS had a good time and is glad that he went and I am glad that we stuck to our guns.

I don't think DS and birthday boy will ever be life long friends as a result of him attending his party but I am happy that DS saw his promise through and realised that it wasn't as bad as he was expecting.

👍👍👍

That is fantastic 😄😄😄😄, a big raspberry to the negative people on here. It's fantastic that he went, saw it through and even had a good time.

It's taught him a valuable lesson too.

Great update Rollergirl1

"It's attitudes like this which make it hard for kids with SN to be accepted."

I agree with all your posts Aeroflotgirl.
User1474781546 Your lack of empathy and understanding is breathtakingly ignorant.

What a fabulous feel good thread!

Also agree with suggestion of Wisewisewords on this

Oops haven't read whole thread

Good on you OP. great parenting!

Bad for the kid with SN, but worse for those around him

Actually, that's where you're VERY wrong. If children with additional educational needs are supported effectively in school there shouldn't be an issue. I've taught many children who have thrown chairs etc and if the correct support is in place the situation can be diffused before these things happen.

OP I'm glad your DS had a lovely time today.

Thanks very much nicknamed, I am glad this proved those negTive people wrong. It is unacceptable to treat any child like that, you would not do that to a NT child, you do not treat an sn child like that. How is it right, tell me that a little boy, because that is what he is first and foremost, shoukd have nobody come to his party because of his SN. Well done op, now that is how it should be done. Op ds went with his father, he was not alone in the situation, he could leave anytime he felt uncomfortable. Compromise and empathy which is what is lacking in some on here, it's not all or nothing, tgere is a middle ground. The outcome of this, is op ds had a lovely time, and helped make a little boy's birthday special.

So true Aeroflotgirl. It seems a lot of Mums think a little eight year old who has SN is like a grenade waiting to go off and can't handle the seemingly unpredictability of a child with SN.

End result: 17 out of 19 Mums were too fearful for their children to go to the party. Or 17 out of 19 children said no and their parents also agreed.

The irony is that SN chldren only act out when they feel overwhelmed or cornered .

It shows that most of us just don't want to understand how to make these children with SN feel 'at home' and safe, as we are too fearful of their seemingly unpredictable behaviour. Yet ofen in fact the SN hild's behaviour is quite predictable in reaction to feeling auditory/sensory/visual overload and overwhelmed or cornered and being unable to cope).
Well done Rollergirl, you have indeep helped one ittle boy have a great birthday, and you may never know how much this meant to that little boy's Mum and Dad.

I think children often deal very well with their peers who have sn. My ds told his friend he could go and spend some time with ds's lego collection when he became a little overwhelmed during a noisy party. Result, no meltdown and friend joined the loud party after an hours recharging with lego. They were 7, no adult needed.

It's some of the parents who find this boy unpredictable, the children predict his behaviour correctly. As I found out at that party, they also know how to help.

Glad to read that your DS had a fab time!

I knew it - I just KNEW it!

I must be psychic or something . . .