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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS go to this party?

133 replies

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 10:32

DS (8) received an invitation from a boy in his class for his birthday. He doesn't play with the boy at all.

Just to give some background the boy has quite significant behavioural problems and I think he has a statement. He has anger issues and can get quite aggressive and disruptive in class (throwing chairs around and lashing out) and there have also been cases of him biting and punching other children in the class. But DS says he has been a lot better lately. There was also another boy in the class who was very very disruptive and he was excluded about a year ago.

Anyway, it is a laser quest party and DS really likes this activity. I asked DS if he wanted to go when we first got the invitation and he said that he wanted to see who else from his class was going. He kept forgetting to ask other people though and in the end he said yes he wanted to go so I replied to the mum saying yes.

Since then he has found out that not really anyone else from his class is going but the boy that was excluded is. Now DS doesn't want to go. I am telling him that he has to as we replied to say we were and it is not fair to back out at the last minute. Also I feel a bit sorry for the boy if not many people are going (although I don't actually know who has been invited).

DS is really dreading going now and I feel bad making him but think that if we let him back out now it is not giving a good message.

WWYD?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 15/10/2016 13:05

"One of life's lessons is also trusting your instincts and avoiding things you are "wary " of."

Not avoiding. But certainly setting up contingency plans. Like having your dad sitting in the coffee shop with his book just in case.........

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/10/2016 13:06

I'd make him go but would stay at the party venue myself to keep an eye.

ohdearme1958 · 15/10/2016 13:07

Well done OP. You're boy went to the party. Thank you Flowers

ohdearme1958 · 15/10/2016 13:07

sorry - your boy went to the party.

DemonNameChanger · 15/10/2016 13:08

One of life's lessons is assessing why you are wary and what to do about it.

Many people are wary of what's different, doesn't mean it should be avoided though. Learning about children with send can help remove a child's wariness. That's an important part of life, to learn that people who may seem different are people also.

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 13:09

User - doing something you don't want to do, but which won't hurt you and will make someone else happy, is surely one of life's lessons

It's very bad advice.

Would you suggest it's good advice to give my 16 year old DD this advice on a night out?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 13:16

Totally different situations. Op ds has gone to the party, so it's a non issue now!

Serialweightwatcher · 15/10/2016 13:17

I would probably tell him he needs to go now because he decided he would and you've informed the mum and the other boy and he will be disappointed if he doesn't turn up. Are you able to stay around there?

Serialweightwatcher · 15/10/2016 13:18

Sorry - thought I'd read all pages but obv hadn't - glad he's gone and hope he has a nice time.

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 13:27

aeroflot- so a life lesson, but only to be applied in certain circumstances? Hmm

Not much of a life lesson then is it.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2016 13:29

"aeroflot- so a life lesson, but only to be applied in certain circumstances? hmm"

Most life lessons are like that!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 13:33

Yes that a different situation can't you see that! Boy has special needs, 19 invited most have declined including op ds friends.op ds accepted and mum told boys parents hr wod go. Now that he found out his friends won't be there, he does not want to go.

Absolutely unacceptable to pull out in these circumstances. Too right he is going to the party, so he should!

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 13:37

Totally acceptable.
Birthday boy is known to be violent.
OPs son was happy to go thinking there would be a large crowd- safety in numbers, other close friends, so birthday boy is less of a threat.
Finds out many are not going, boy now feels he would be more exposed with a much smaller group and more in danger of being thumped.

I don't blame him for changing his mind.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 13:38

No it's not, it's downright unacceptable and mean. He is being accompanied by his dad, si not on his own. It's attitudes like this which make it hard for kids with SN to be accepted.

twocockersarebetterthanone · 15/10/2016 13:40

You've definitely done the right thing!!

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 13:42

He has anger issues and can get quite aggressive and disruptive in class (throwing chairs around and lashing out) and there have also been cases of him biting and punching other children in the class.

Bad for the kid with SN, but worse for those around him.

Laserquest is a poor choice of venue for such a child.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 13:46

His anger is caused by his sn, not because he is nasty. So right we should hide them all away from the poor nt community. My friends ds who has similar sn has had all different types of parties, spy mission, laser, everyone who was invited came, all had a lovely time. If managed carefully it can work, I am sure boys parents will be micro managing their ds like my friend does to ensure everyone is safe.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 13:58

I guess after the lack of responses this year, the boy in the op won't be having a party again! Saves the hurt!

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 14:04

lets hope it causes the parents to question such a poor choice of venue for a child with anger issues.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2016 14:15

Ah well, if he isn't scared about going, and just wants some of his friends there (which is not what you said in your op) then normal social rules apply and he needs to go.

notangelinajolie · 15/10/2016 14:18

He might be naughty but he is somebodies son and I would be heartbroken for them if no one came to one of my kids parties.

When DD2 was 11 in year 7 of secondary school she along with the whole form were invited to a boys party. Most of the kids accepted. The day before the party she told me none of the girls were going and only two boys. She said he was a big fat giant, always getting told off and no one liked him. DD2 thought she was 'Miss Cool' and going to this boys party would not be a cool thing to do. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing but I explained it was wrong to accept an invitation and then drop out at the last minute and just because this boy didn't fit the mold of a person she could be friends with was not a good enough reason.

I insisted that she go - with the proviso that she could call me and come home if she felt uncomfortable.

She did go .... only her and one other boy turned up. His mum spoke to me and asked if I minded if they cancelled the party and take them to bowling and a pizza hut instead. I felt so sad seeing all the balloons outside the house they had clearly gone to a lot of trouble planning everything.

4 hours later my daughter was dropped off home. Smiling and happy and very pleased she had gone. Yes the boy was awkward, over weight and didn't have any friends but after that day the three of them made a pact for just the three of them to celebrate his birthday every year.

They did that. They are all 22 now and leading different lives in different parts of the country and still meet up once a year. He is now a very handsome 6ft 10 Shock young man and after a year in the USA playing basketball is going to be a fireman. She is 5 ft 2 and training to be an accountant.

Yes I do think he should go.

notangelinajolie · 15/10/2016 14:19

Sorry, in the time it took me to right that I see he went Smile

notangelinajolie · 15/10/2016 14:22

Woops write Blush

McFarts · 15/10/2016 14:24

user how the do you know its such a poor choice? do you know what the parents have put in place to support their son? no you dont!

My son is the same age as the birthday with an almost identical list of needs, I absolutely let him chose whatever party theme (within reason, financially) he so pleases, the same as a parent to an NT child would, its called equality! does a child with SNs deserve less choice, than their NT peers?

pregnantat50 · 15/10/2016 14:25

you did the right thing OP, hope he has a lovely time.

My friends little girl, struggled to make friends at school, (she wasnt in the 'populars- - her words) but i was appauled when my friend told me that her dd eagerly handed out invites to her classmates in the playground and they tore them up in front of her. She was gutted and had done nothing to deserve that reaction, she just wasn't popular, was considered a nerd (due to thick glasses and appearance issues), it was heartbreaking for her.