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AIBU?

To make DS go to this party?

133 replies

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 10:32

DS (8) received an invitation from a boy in his class for his birthday. He doesn't play with the boy at all.

Just to give some background the boy has quite significant behavioural problems and I think he has a statement. He has anger issues and can get quite aggressive and disruptive in class (throwing chairs around and lashing out) and there have also been cases of him biting and punching other children in the class. But DS says he has been a lot better lately. There was also another boy in the class who was very very disruptive and he was excluded about a year ago.

Anyway, it is a laser quest party and DS really likes this activity. I asked DS if he wanted to go when we first got the invitation and he said that he wanted to see who else from his class was going. He kept forgetting to ask other people though and in the end he said yes he wanted to go so I replied to the mum saying yes.

Since then he has found out that not really anyone else from his class is going but the boy that was excluded is. Now DS doesn't want to go. I am telling him that he has to as we replied to say we were and it is not fair to back out at the last minute. Also I feel a bit sorry for the boy if not many people are going (although I don't actually know who has been invited).

DS is really dreading going now and I feel bad making him but think that if we let him back out now it is not giving a good message.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Report

NickiFury · 15/10/2016 12:22

I wouldn't.

Onthecouchagain · 15/10/2016 12:22

He's got to go.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/10/2016 12:23

Thank you Rollergirl. As the parent of a boy with SN who invited 12 boys to his 9th birthday laser tag party of which only 4 said yes, I'm very grateful to you.

I hope your DS has fun

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 12:24

I think he is wary of the other boy definitely. Other boy was a total nightmare. He verbally and physically attacked multiple members of school staff. He escaped from school on at least two occasions.

The boy whose birthday it is can also be very disruptive in class as he has communication and anger issues. He isn't a close friend of DS's but DS understands and accepts that his behaviour is down to his condition.

OP posts:

clare2307 · 15/10/2016 12:27

In your shoes I would make him go to the party, stay with him to keep an eye on things and if after half an hour he was really not enjoying himself I would let him leave. Chances are once there he will have a great time anyway, but if not, at least he has gone along and said happy birthday.

This happened a few weeks ago with my daughter (7) and I did this, just explained that her place would already have been paid for as she said she was going so she needed to go and take the gift and say happy birthday and see how it went. She agreed happily, knowing we wouldn't leave her there and she could leave after a short while if she wanted. She stayed until the end and moaned about leaving!

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 12:27

He's "wary" of the other boy and he's "dreading" it.

Would you go to such an event in these circumstances? I wouldn't, yet you think a child should be forced?

bumsexatthebingo · 15/10/2016 12:37

That's a difficult one. If it was just that he didn't fancy it because his good friends weren't going then obviously it would be be wrong not to go but this other lad going is new info and if he's wary of him I think it would be acceptable to diplomatically duck out and take the kid a nice present into school.

2kids2dogsnosense · 15/10/2016 12:37

He has to go! You accepted the invitation (and these Quasar Laser things aren't cheap - the parents will be putting some money into it) and so he must go. If you allow him not to (which I think would be awful), I still think you should buy a really good gift (to the value at least of his party place, and make a grovelling apology (though I think you will have to lie).

It will teach your son to honour commitments, and also to remember to ask his friends if they are going to X, Y or Z's party in future. Can't understand how he forgot - party invitations are generally widely discussed (or were when mine were little.)

QueenLizIII · 15/10/2016 12:37

It is fine for him to say he doesnt want to go and not be forced before he'd accepted.

he accepted as he thought his friends would be there and now they're not. He has to go IMO. It's unlikely their will be a full scale punch up at laser quest without staff noticing and if your DH is going to stay he should be fine. He can come out if anyone is mean to him.

DemonNameChanger · 15/10/2016 12:40

User I am wary of and dreading a night out i said I would go to in a fortnight because I only know one person going. But I said I would go so I will, and I will probably have a great time. We can't live in our little comfort bubbles forever and if the op ensures there is proper supervision (which she has) then it could be a positive experience for all.

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 12:42

user: I keep saying, he wasn't forced. I gave him the option and he said that he wanted to go. If he had said no right from the start of course I wouldn't have made him go.

OP posts:

ImissGrannyW · 15/10/2016 12:42

This - (one cried on the phone when accepting the invitation and asked if I was sure I still wanted him there). made me well up so I could hardly read the screen.

OP, I think you've done the right thing, esp with your DH ready to step in. I hope your DS is surprised by what a great time he has. If this goes well, it's a fantastic memory for the party host, and a great lesson for your son. If it doesn't go well, hopefully your DH will hoike him out and you'll give him a nice afternoon to make up for and your DS will have learned why it's important to consider your response before you respond to an invite.

I also think it would have been awful for the hosts parents, who had presumably booked and paid for the party? Awful if you've spent money on something for no reason AND your child is then upset because that person isn't there.

User, I feel that you don't have much support on this particular thread, and continuing to restate your position isn't especially working for you.

Op, will you let us know later how the party went? I'd check in for that update!

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 15/10/2016 12:42

Having seen this story from the other side, well done to you and your DH for taking him to the party.

I have a young relative with SN, he's socially ostracised from the children in his year because he's seen as 'weird' but luckily some older girls from year 5 have taken him under their wing and play with him on the playground and invite him to parties.

daisypond · 15/10/2016 12:45

Sometimes, not always, being "wary" and "dreading" things are things we need to learn to control and manage. Learning the difference between things you should be wary of and things you shouldn't is a major life skill. Otherwise we'd never do anything we were the slightest bit frightened of. Well done, OP's son, for ignoring peer pressure and going.

Needastrongone · 15/10/2016 12:47

I am [shocked] at folk saying that their DC don't have to go.

What's that teaching them about commitment and respecting that other people have put time, effort and money into organising something. What's that teaching them about kids with SN?

I once went to party when one of my DC was in Y4, and was the ONLY person who turned up, as this child has significant SN and they lived in a less than desirable part of town, not as naice as where we live. I will never ever forget the faces of the parents or child. Utterly utterly awful behaviour on both counts.

It's teaching kids to be thoughtless and selfish.

OP you sound completely sensible and your DH hanging around sounds like a plan.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 12:48

Yes if I was invited to a party and accepted, definitly, especially if that person has SN, yes. It might be better than he anticipated, and dad will be there.

exLtEveDallas · 15/10/2016 12:49

I am on the fence here. I once made DD go to a party where the whole class of girls were invited but loads declined. The girl has no SN but isn't very nice and has previously been rotten to DD.

DD kept changing her mind, but in the end I told her she was going and that even if it was the worst party ever it was only 2 hours out of her life. It was a joint party with girls younger sister.

Two girls turned up - DD and one other. Sister had about 10 there. So I was glad at first. DD hated it, and moaned for hours when she got back. I still thought it was a good idea.

However, a few months on and this girl is even more of a nightmare and has taken to using DDs attendance at her party as a stick to beat her with from "You HAVE to be my friend, you came to my party" and "You used me just because my party was so good" to "EveDD is my best friend and we HAVE to be together" when DD just wants to forget she exists (now at High school and making lots of new friends).

I really hope it works out OP, you've done the right thing. But sometimes the right thing bites you in the arse.

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 12:49

As a host I wouldn't want anyone to join me if they were "wary" and "dreading it".

Forcing yourself is not always a life enhancing experience.

2kids2dogsnosense · 15/10/2016 12:51

Op, will you let us know later how the party went? I'd check in for that update!

I'd love to know, too.

I bet he has a great time.

SanityAssassin · 15/10/2016 12:54

My mum sent me to a birthday party I didn't want to go to at a similar age (she didn't even listen when I said no). None of my friends went and it was a horrible afternoon where I was bullied, teased and threatened by older children - I hated it and still remember it to this day (I am nearly 50). I will never send mine to a party if they don't want to go.

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 12:54

Will let you know how it goes. DH has just called to say that there are 8 of them and a few more from class and that DS seemed fine so I don't envisage there being any problems.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 12:55

Op ds might be pleasantly surprised and have a nice time. Dh is a bit like this, he dreads weddings and social functions, I do make him go along with me to some, and he ends up having a really good time and pleased he went.

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MrsSchadenfreude · 15/10/2016 12:58

User - doing something you don't want to do, but which won't hurt you and will make someone else happy, is surely one of life's lessons. The kids will be supervised and it is only a couple of hours.

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 13:01

One of life's lessons is also trusting your instincts and avoiding things you are "wary " of.

daisypond · 15/10/2016 13:03

Sanity - but the OP's son said he wanted to go. He only got cold feet when he thought other kids from school weren't going.

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