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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DS go to this party?

133 replies

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 10:32

DS (8) received an invitation from a boy in his class for his birthday. He doesn't play with the boy at all.

Just to give some background the boy has quite significant behavioural problems and I think he has a statement. He has anger issues and can get quite aggressive and disruptive in class (throwing chairs around and lashing out) and there have also been cases of him biting and punching other children in the class. But DS says he has been a lot better lately. There was also another boy in the class who was very very disruptive and he was excluded about a year ago.

Anyway, it is a laser quest party and DS really likes this activity. I asked DS if he wanted to go when we first got the invitation and he said that he wanted to see who else from his class was going. He kept forgetting to ask other people though and in the end he said yes he wanted to go so I replied to the mum saying yes.

Since then he has found out that not really anyone else from his class is going but the boy that was excluded is. Now DS doesn't want to go. I am telling him that he has to as we replied to say we were and it is not fair to back out at the last minute. Also I feel a bit sorry for the boy if not many people are going (although I don't actually know who has been invited).

DS is really dreading going now and I feel bad making him but think that if we let him back out now it is not giving a good message.

WWYD?

OP posts:

LyndaNotLinda · 15/10/2016 11:21

I would also say he has to go. He's accepted. Laser quest is very well supervised and it's something he enjoys

Rockingaround · 15/10/2016 11:22

You're not responsible for the amount of kids that turn up at the party. If your little boy doesn't want to go, why would you force him! He initially felt he'd have other friends from his class there who he could be with; now he realises he won't, he undesrandably doesn't want to put him self in what he appears is a vulnerable situation. I'd say your boy is developing gut instincts and id encourage and support the development of knowing his own mind and making his own decisions. Let him decide

Rockingaround · 15/10/2016 11:23

appears sorry should've said feels

ZuleikaDobson · 15/10/2016 11:24

If he's accepted and, as you say, is only talking about backing out because his mates aren't there, then I would say absolutely he should go. If you say he isn't afraid then no-one on this thread has any business suggesting that he is. I suspect he'll enjoy it once he's there.

Original poster

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 11:25

User: But he initially said that he wanted to go. I wouldn't have made him if he had said no all along. And the excuses you give for not going are really rubbish. As a parent of the birthday child I would be totally pissed off if I was given that as a reason for not coming on the day of the party and would you mark you as a flakey parent.

OP posts:

ZuleikaDobson · 15/10/2016 11:25

If your little boy doesn't want to go, why would you force him

To teach him good manners and consideration, surely, and that you keep to promises.

CancellyMcChequeface · 15/10/2016 11:26

I wouldn't make him go. He's 'dreading' it, and he's 8. Yes, there are lots of situations in adulthood where he'll have to do things he doesn't want to. That's not a good enough reason for parents to insist on this sort of thing at this age, especially a classmate's birthday party. It would be different if it were grandma's 80th birthday or something.

nocampinghere · 15/10/2016 11:27

wisewords has the answer

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/10/2016 11:35

I'd make him go. Good manners and consideration for others, as someone else said. Also the cost to the parents if he doesn't show up. Maybe some of his friends will turn up after all? And put yourself in the parents' shoes. They will know their son has behavioural issues. Maybe the party was a reward for his improved behaviour? Wouldn't they, and the boy be devastated if people just don't turn up?

DD2 seemed to have an affinity for children who were "quirky" when she was younger. We had a party at home with three children who had ASD - it was challenging - one just wanted to climb stairs all the time, one wanted to play with DD2 and no-one else, and the other just joined in with the games. Two of the Mums told me that their child had never been invited to a party before (one cried on the phone when accepting the invitation and asked if I was sure I still wanted him there).

Teach your son to have some respect for other people's feelings - it's not all about him and what he wants, but also learning that we all have to do stuff we don't want to do, and it's part of growing up and becoming a better person.

lljkk · 15/10/2016 11:37

He'll be fine, it's a one off lesson in keeping one's word.

Starlight2345 · 15/10/2016 11:39

I think you are doing the right thing, going and hanging around... Hope your DS and the birthday child enjoy the party.

Original poster

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 11:47

Well DH has just left to take him. DS actually seemed okay about going although he's just offered up some last minute information. He thinks there are only 5 of them including birthday boy. There are 2 others from his class but he doesn't play with either of them. He thinks that all the boys from the class were invited (19).

This makes me feel like we've done the right thing!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 11:51

Thank goodness my friends boy always had a full partyload, this is a party that he absolutely must go to, or at least show his face and hand over the present, even if you have to be there. This is not about a nasty bully, but a little boy with SN. Op by doing what you are doing, you are teaching your ds about empathy, difference. Even if he did not want to go, I would still make him go and wish the boy a very happy birthday and give him the present. I am shocked of some of the responses, this is the type of thing we read about, whereby a child with SN has a party and nobody showed up . Well done op for helping to make a little boys birthday, special.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 11:54

Well done op and her dh, its about keeping your word, and empathy, how would it be like if nobody came to your child's party! Op is not leaving the boy on his own, he will have his dad with him.

ChipmunkSundays · 15/10/2016 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrumpyOldBag · 15/10/2016 11:59

You are never too young to learn good manners and kindness towards others.

OP you are quite right to make him go, and good idea that your dh will be there to reassure your son.

missyB1 · 15/10/2016 12:02

Tricky one, as long as he's not actually afraid then maybe encourage him to go and make sure dad keeps a sharp eye on proceedings.

I'm not a fan of these laser quest parties for young children as they can start to get out of hand quite quickly. I turned down an invitation for my ds to attend one because I know what some of the boys in his year are like.

DemonNameChanger · 15/10/2016 12:05

Is he scared of the boy who has been excluded or is he embarrassed because he will be the only kid from.his class going to the party? The latter is not acceptable & you should most definitely adress this and make him keep his commitment.

If it's the former then can you resolve that issue? Check the numbers of parents supervising or offer to help yourself?

user1474781546 · 15/10/2016 12:11

mark you as a flakey parent.

OP I think it's the parents of the birthday boy who should be having a good long think.

Sometimes we do change our minds about acceptance- even as an adult.

And that's OK.

While it's a good thing to teach our kids to support friends it is also important to allow therm to trust their own judgement, not to be forced into situations in which they are afraid.

bumblingbovine49 · 15/10/2016 12:14

We organised a lasert tag type party when DS was this age. He too has ASD and ADHD and had all the related behaviour issues We invited 10 boys in his class including another boy who was similar to DS in behaviour . What we did was include tickets for DH and for one other adult. We then asked the parent of the other child with behaviour problems if he would be the other supervising adult. That way both DS and the other boy with problems has supervision from their parents who knew them very well and who were also able to generally keep an eye on the other 8 children.

It worked well and they all talked about what a great part it was for ages afterwards. DS and the other boy ith ADHD did have an altercation with each other but having both parents there helped sort it out very quickly before it escalated. We also booked laser tag and not laser quest as the latter is all in the dark but tag is outside. It is very hard to supervise children running around madly in the dark
I hope the party goes well

Original poster

Rollergirl1 · 15/10/2016 12:14

I will let you know how it goes when he returns.

I actually feel a bit disappointed with the other Mum's to be honest. The first we heard that not many were going was when DS had a friend over after school on Wednesday. I specifically asked the friend if he was going and he said that he'd been invited but wasn't going and said that nobody else was. Cue DS's reluctance to go. Then DS went to another friends yesterday and this friend said he wasn't sure if he was going or not (but obviously not!).

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 12:15

user he is not afraid, but does not want to go because his other friends are not going! Teaching him to be flakey will do him no favours. Even if he was afraid, I would go with him to birthday boys party, as he said he would go, and give him the present and wish him a very happy birthday at the very least!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/10/2016 12:16

You never know he might not be afraid once he develops some awareness of the type of SN the boy has, and why he does what he does. Underneath that, is a little boy who should not be defined by his disability.

Flyingbellycopters · 15/10/2016 12:20

Most parents with kids with behavioural issues don't have parties for this very reason. How do you explain to your child that no one wants to be his friend, no one wants to come to his party, and even people who say yes are now pulling out. They might be in denial about his problems or they might just want to give their kid the same kind of party everyone else has and that he won't get invited to.
I'm glad he's going, that you feel sorry for child, and that he has parent there ready to intervene. Maybe explain in advance if there are any issues he must come straight away to tell his dad or another adult but also explain that sadly not all kids have their brains wired same ways and this can cause behaviour problems like this kid has and to be kind and compassionate is best thing your wee boy can do and tell him to have fun.

bumsexatthebingo · 15/10/2016 12:21

If he's not wanting to go because his other friends aren't I'd say he has to. If he was scared he wouldn't want to go at all whoever else was going. If it's because he's scared of the other boy who's been excluded I'd let him miss it - text the mum to say your son isn't well and get him to take a present into school.

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