Birthday party clash

[belleville42]

AIBU to tell other mum that she's being totally ridiculous in asking my dd to choose which two best friend's parties to go to?
Background: Mum 1 has party 3pm-8pm. Mum 2 has party between 4pm-6pm. On the same day!
Asked Mum 1 if it was ok for me to drop dd off at 2.45pm and pick up at 3.45pm for her to go to other best friend's party, and then bring her back for 6.15pm for the final part of her chid's party.
Mum 1 wrote back and said dd has to 'choose' which party she goes to!
This is ridiculous!! Has she never 'party-hopped' to be present for good friends? I know I have. So, why should it be different for nine year olds?
Mum 1 is 'centre of the universe type'; Mum 2 is chilled, laid back and understands life (my good friend obvs!)
Concerned as I have to break the awful news to dd and it is going to be upsetting as both are her good mates. She wants to go to both.
So: Do I just turn up with dd at 2.45pm, take her off at 3.45pm for other party, and then bring her back at 6.15pm?

AIBU to just tell Mum 1 she is being ridiculous and needs to chill? And take on the onslaught from her, or just not pay no heed to her email and just do what is best for dd?
After all, Mum 1 can't refuse entry with an adorable dd standing in front of her - surely?
Why are people this way? Am I missing something? AIBU?

Back to back parties when you have to be 15 mins late or leave 15 mins early would be fine with me. Going to a party for 45 minutes, disappearing for 2 hours and expecting to be welcomed back in is just plain rude. Can't imagine that anyone considers this acceptable, whether it's an adult or a child.

The thing that adds insult to injury is the way you have planned the timing.
It is so clear that party2 is the favoured one. she won't miss any of the second party, but when she's got nothing better to do she'll go along to the other one.
The only way you could make it vaguely acceptable is to go the party2 from 4pm to 5.45pm then duck out a little early to get to the other one for 6pm to 8pm. BUT that is only acceptable if the mum agrees to it.

I've been on MN for over a decade and I never ever follow group mentality. I post what I think, irrespective of what ever other poster previously has posted.
Give us some credit!

Instead of expecting everyone else to bend to your will and demands you're just going to have to tell your special snowflake to pick one. Just like you want everyone else to deal with you're going to have to teach her she doesn't always get everything.
YABU.

I think it's rude to do party1-party2-party1, but it wouldn't be rude to just go to the 5 hour party for one or two hours either before or after the other one - just not both.

There are about 50/50 nasty and polite replies on here but 99% of them have said it's rude to turn up 15 mins early for a party, stay for an hour, bugger off to the whole of another party and then come back at the end when you've nothing better to do. Even if the kids don't mind it's highly rude to mum 1 who will have to try and arrange food and activities to include a guest who is in and out as well as having to begin hosting 15 mins before the party starts which is blue arsed fly time for most party hosts. Also if you have formally rsvpd to something ducking out of any of it because a better offer has come along is the height of rudeness. The fact that the op is still considering going ahead with her plans against the wishes of mum 1 shows an almost admirable lack of awareness and brass neck tbh. And all while framing it as being thoughtful. Shame mum 1 doesn't know what is best for her

OP you need to respect Mum1 it's her daughters party and she is the one putting all the effort in. If I was Mum1 I'd be gobsmacked that you would even suggest arriving early (WTF) and then leave to return again later! Also I really think referring to your child arriving later, knowing Mum1 said no as "adorable dd" was the death of your post! No one wants to hear that. It's a bit smug!

I would never say that there is another party! Much better to say we are busy in the afternoon but would it be ok to come along for the last two hours. That way no one gets upset.

Christ on a bike, there are some stupidly OTT replies on this thread given the circumstances of the party.

You are supporting your DD to do the right thing by BOTH of her good friends. The DM is acting in a ridiculously entitled manner, but seeing the replies here, seems that kind of mind set is not so uncommon

Shes having a 5 hour party more fool her on the same day as the other friend. Maybe she is miffed that the she organised her DDs party first, who know, but for whatever the reasons, IMHO she is being bloody ridiculous.

YADNBU, you are putting yourselves out massively to accommodate your DD going to BOTH of her good friends parties - though I agree going back to the 5 hour 1 after leaving early perhaps isn't the best idea.

I would take your DD to the first party & leave in time to arrive a bit late to the second. Explain to the more laid back DM why you will be a bit late, sounds like she will be far more understanding & DD gets a reasonable amount of time celebrating birthdays with both of her friends

Good luck

Rockin - the party girls don't know one another. Before you get all frothy, perhaps you should bother at least reading all the OP's posts.

In any event, the rules of polite behaviour still apply: accept the first invitation, if another invitation arrives that clashes, then decline. That's what should always happen - saves all kinds of angst and ill-mannered behaviour.

If the longer party invite arrived second, then I think the OP could explain that her DD already has a commitment -6 and then leave it to the host to suggest her coming along after the first party had finished.

What you don't do is tell people who have invited you to a party for a set period of time the hours and times you'll be gracing them with your presence. It's unspeakably rude.

Shes having a 5 hour party more fool her on the same day as the other friend. Maybe she is miffed that the she organised her DDs party first, who know, but for whatever the reasons, IMHO she is being bloody ridiculous.
Mum1 and Mum2 are not friends. They are from different social circles.
Why is SHE the one who's at fault?

Its not "pick your best-est". She should attend the one where she accepted the invitation first.

I did Linda - one of DDs friends is a community friend, the other a school friend, that doesn't mean the DM doesnt already know about the party clash.

& where 2 good friends are involved, HTH is putting one friend above the other & choosing not to go to one friends party considered better manners

DHs significant Bday party clashed with somebody else's same Bday party that we didn't know, but about 2/3 of the guests did & many where close to her. Nobody had any issue with our guests coming & going all night so they could split time between both friends

I don't think the OP's coming back....

She's probably rushing around dropping her adorable dd off at birthday party's!

HTH is putting one friend above the other & choosing not to go to one friends party considered better manners

How it works is this: you accept (or decline) the first invitation. If you accept, you are no longer available at that time/date.

If you receive a subsequent invitation for that time, you are not 'putting one friend above the other' by declining. You are merely honouring the commitment you already made.

Surely this is basic etiquette.

Party hopping would be ok if Mum1 agreed.
It isn't ok when she doesn't.

Not very relevant whether pp here would find it rude or not:
Mum1 (and Dad1 ?) is doing all the work for Party 1 and they have said they do NOT accept your DD hopping in & out

==> YWBVVU to" tell Mum 1 she is being ridiculous and needs to chill" and try to emotionally blackmail your way in "Mum 1 can't refuse entry with an adorable dd standing in front of her"

If you receive a subsequent invitation for that time, you are not 'putting one friend above the other' by declining. You are merely honouring the commitment you already made.
^
Surely this is basic etiquette. ^

But that is presuming that the OP did reply to the first invite straight away, which hasn't been my personal experience with DPs replying to their DCs party invites. The occasional one wii, but for the most part, the polite DPs tend to leave replying until closer to the day, giving a week or so notice. The less polite don't bother replying at all, but either turn up or not, depending on how they feel on the day which is far worse than the OPs offence

If I missed where the OP accepted the first invite & now changes her mind, then fair enough, but if not, then for the sake of the part hurls, I stand by my original reply.

Part hurls - party girls!

YABVU but I don't really know why you posted as you are ignoring everyone ( the vast majority) who have told you this.

Once your DD accepted the first invitation then that was her commitment. She should not have accepted the second invitation.

You sound pretty rude and entitled tbh.

RockinHippy But for an adult party clash where "Nobody had any issue with our guests coming & going all night so they could split time between both friends", I assume those parties didn't involve, say, your party being an all-expenses-paid trip for a race day for your friends, which some guests then abandon part way through to attend an all-expenses-paid trip for champagne tea at the Ritz for the other party. And then back again. Guests popping in for a few drinks at one do and then popping in to the other do for a few drinks there is completely different.

Entertainment was provided at both parties Daisy, so yes, guests would miss out on bought & paid for activities, nobody minded at all, if anything in our case it worked very well, it kept the party interesting & not overcrowded.

Am I the only one not understanding why the 5 hour party DM isn't letting her 9yo decide & is just been obstructive off her own bat instead?

The DCs are not babies, they can decide for themselves & the OP is right, both party girls & her DD will be upset if a good friend cant make their party. Im with the OP in putting all 3 girls feelings first & juggling the parties accordingly. The DM is organising it & has a right to feel a bit miffed if she wants, but why say no, when its her DD who loses out the most, not her.

Agree with pp who said it would be a pain for the mum organising party 1 if your child is dipping in and out of the party.
We had an issue with my son's 9th birthday party, which was collect from school, sleepover and then collected at about 10.30 the next morning.
One child (a Pfb) was collected at 5pm for his piano lesson, which was a come complete pain as I had planned to feed the at 6pm and he didn't get back until 7pm, meaning they were all starving.
When mum returned him, she said she would need to collect him at 7.30 the next morning for football, meaning they were all awake a lot earlier than planned
A complete pain. I hope my son does not invite him this year!

Isn't this all hypothetical as mum1 has said no anyway (or have I missed something)??

Mum1 said No. OP said she was going to do it anyway. We said Rude.