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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party clash

179 replies

belleville42 · 14/10/2016 20:23

AIBU to tell other mum that she's being totally ridiculous in asking my dd to choose which two best friend's parties to go to?
Background: Mum 1 has party 3pm-8pm. Mum 2 has party between 4pm-6pm. On the same day!
Asked Mum 1 if it was ok for me to drop dd off at 2.45pm and pick up at 3.45pm for her to go to other best friend's party, and then bring her back for 6.15pm for the final part of her chid's party.
Mum 1 wrote back and said dd has to 'choose' which party she goes to!
This is ridiculous!! Has she never 'party-hopped' to be present for good friends? I know I have. So, why should it be different for nine year olds?
Mum 1 is 'centre of the universe type'; Mum 2 is chilled, laid back and understands life (my good friend obvs!)
Concerned as I have to break the awful news to dd and it is going to be upsetting as both are her good mates. She wants to go to both.
So: Do I just turn up with dd at 2.45pm, take her off at 3.45pm for other party, and then bring her back at 6.15pm?

AIBU to just tell Mum 1 she is being ridiculous and needs to chill? And take on the onslaught from her, or just not pay no heed to her email and just do what is best for dd?
After all, Mum 1 can't refuse entry with an adorable dd standing in front of her - surely?
Why are people this way? Am I missing something? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
belleville42 · 14/10/2016 22:05

Just to clarify. One is a school friend, other is a community friend. They don't know each other (know off each other from chat from my dd). DD social circle is wide. No other friends at either party are doing both parties.

OP posts:
swimmerforlife · 14/10/2016 22:05

I can't believe you think this is ok, arriving at one party, then leaving extremely early for another and then coming back to the original one. I have 'party hopped' in my time, but that involves leaving the first one slightly early and arriving at the second slightly late.

Your Dd is going to have to get used to clashing commitments with friends etc, she's going to have to make choices i'm afraid. Fact of life.

GnomeDePlume · 14/10/2016 22:11

I wonder if this thread has been a bit of an eye opener to the OP

Fluttering from one party to another on the pretext of being 'supportive' may seem like jolly good fun to the butterfly guest. Nowhere near as much fun for the host trying to gauge the dynamic of a party. People probably dont say anything, just seethe under their breath.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 14/10/2016 22:11

Yes. We get it. They don't know each other. One is a school friend. One is a community friend. You repeating this pointless information isn't going to give you different responses. You are being rude. You can't party hop. Mum 1 has said no to that so you suck it up and you choose.

NightCzar · 14/10/2016 22:12

If I were mum 1, I'd also be irritated by you wanting to turn up early (2.45 for a 3pm party). Party days are busy enough without guests turning up early.

If you are really determined to push your agenda, ask if mum 1 will accept you taking DD along at 6pm after Party 2. For me the real issue with your original suggestion js the popping in and out. If you arrived late, I might not mind so much.

But if she sticks to her guns then DD will have to pick. It's not her birthday; it's not all about her.

Crunchymum · 14/10/2016 22:14

Going to two parties is fine. You leave one early to attend the other. You absolutely so not leave one, attend another and the turn back up at first party.

How bizarre, although not as bizarre as a 5 hour kids party. Fuck me!!

Crunchymum · 14/10/2016 22:15

So no = do not

fadingfast · 14/10/2016 22:16

Your continued expression of 'surprise' at the responses on here suggests that you are going to go ahead and do your party-hopping anyway, regardless of the fact that mum 1 has expressly asked you not to. I'm sure your 'adorable' daughter will not be missed. YABVVU.

BackforGood · 14/10/2016 22:26

YABVVVVVVVU
It's not often it is unanimous on AIBU.
You would be incredibly rude to dip in and out like that - can't believe you even thought it was reasonable to ask Shock
The fact you've had to have it spelled out to you, and then STILL think you can ignore that and do what you want, eggars belief.
You do realise your dd just won't be invited again, don't you?

The right thing to do was just apologise to the 2nd invitation, saying "Oh, that's a shame, she'd have loved to come but is already at a party then"

MinnieMinchkin · 14/10/2016 22:27

Thank you for the clarification, apologies I missed that info upthread. Yes, your DD should choose one do and could ask other friend to come round to make up for it. I would recommend going to the party where she knows / gets on with more of the guests as then she'll less like she's missed out.

Original poster
belleville42 · 14/10/2016 22:46

Yep, GnomeDePlume. Has been a real eye-opener as to how nasty some people can be when one has only asked for advice.

Just for the record 'being supportive' is not an adult concept. My nine year old has grasped it from when she was seven and regularly shows it (as do her friends) during sporting activities and when bullying behaviour happens at school / school activities / playtime. Teachers actually give out housepoints for good supportive behaviour.

Can't really get my head around all these judgemental tracts on 'what is right' - so thank you BackforGood for your capitals and reiteration. Certainly know where Mumsnetters 'compass' is.

Just to let you, as info, Mum 1's dd is totally happy for my dd to dip in and out as long as she comes and plays. That's children for you!

Thank you Optimist3 for your thoughtful comment. Was on the same thought pattern as a way of resolving this issue. Both friends are dear friends of dd.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 14/10/2016 23:17

OF course the DD doesn't have the same concerns about a guest coming and going as the adult doing the organising - not many children "get" how parties are organized and the PITA that certain guests can be....

Redglitter · 15/10/2016 02:35

Of Course the birthday girl not minding is pretty irrelevant when her mum has said no.

Definitely think your best/only option is to ask if your daughter can come after the other party for the tail end of their party and forget about the first hour

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 15/10/2016 02:42

So a unanimous verdict and still op wants to party hop!

Concidering the fact that mum 1 doesn't want you to do that whst are you going to do op?

KoalaDownUnder · 15/10/2016 02:54

I think it is quiet rude to leave a party to go to another and then once that one has finished return to the first.

This, except I would say me 'extremely rude'.

OP, I think you need to accept that your ideas about manners are out of whack.

chazf09 · 15/10/2016 02:58

Who has a birthday party 3-8? Are they doing something specific? Sorry if you have already answered this its late/early lol n this popped up in my email, personally I think as long as its not a specific activity where they need to stay the whole time I don't c the problem x

Motherfuckers · 15/10/2016 03:11

You honour the commitment you made when you rsvped to a party invite, you can't just drop the first party because another invite comes.
If your daughter is a rude as you then she really really isn't 'adorable' at all.

Inyournightdress · 15/10/2016 03:15

You didn't ask for advice op you asked if you were being unreasonable on AIBU. What did you expect? Posters haven't even been as mean as usual.

MerryMarigold · 15/10/2016 03:25

Well, I think you're mostly NBU, OP. The only bit I think is a bit unreasonable is arriving 15 mins early as that is a horrible time just before a party. Personally, I would have popped in at the end of the party if it was ok with host, depending on what the activity is at that point and if it is join-in-able.

I think Mum 1 is different from you and me, likes things to be 'in control' and 'planned out' and certainly has clear boundaries! (I wouldn't be able to say what she said even if I wanted to!!!). It's obviously not how she would personally do things, so she's having difficulty getting her head around it.

I think you've had a bit of a hard time as your intentions were good. And most people are acting as if you would still drop in and out of the other party despite Mum 1 saying no, when this is not something you said you would do. Just that you had wanted to do that and feel a bit miffed your dd can't do that. Typical Friday night on AIBU, maybe it wasn't the best time to post it.

FabFiveFreddie · 15/10/2016 03:28

I do sense a bit of projection from you OP. Are you also going to be party hopping with mum friends at these two things?

Leaving early to go to somebody else's party,: fine, happens all the time. But to go and then come back: what's the point in going back? Is there something in particular at the end of party 1 you want DD to be there for? Or do you just want to maximise partying time on that day? Because if so that's really about you/DD having the maximum amount of fun that day and NOT about "supporting" the birthday girls. If you really wanted to be supportive you'd go to the whole of the party you accepted first then have DD take the second girl out by herself on a different occasion to celebrate her birthday properly. What you're proposing is really quite self-centred, even if you do genuinely mean it not to be. These girls aren't Cleopatra and the Queen of Sheba. There's no obligation to go to either of the parties. Invitations, not subpoenas.

claraschu · 15/10/2016 03:34

I think people have been pretty mean.

It is clearly relevant that the 2 girls don't know each other, and there is no overlap of party guests. It is relevant because dd would be the only party hopper.

If I were mum 1 I would have either: not minded at all or (if the coming and going clashed with activities planned) would have gently explained why it wouldn't work, and probably suggested something like dropping in at the end when everyone was back at the house for cake.

OP I think that if I were you, I would have called mum 1 for a chat, explained that both invitations came at the same time, apologised , and asked for help in working out a compromise (find out what activities are happening so you know when it would work to show up late). I find that in situations like this, a live conversation is much better than an email or text.

I think you got in trouble with AIBU because you said mum 1 was ridiculous, your daughter was adorable, etc.

namehelp7 · 15/10/2016 03:47

Wow, is this a reverse? Can't believe that anyone would be this rude. Bad enough to turn up to one, leave and then come back but to arrive 15 mins early is in itself incredibly rude. They will be busy and the party won't have started yet. Then even worse you have asked Mum 1, she has said no and you are still considering this?! Unbelievable. If I was Mum 1 I certainly wouldn't be inviting your dd to anything again. You also seem to think that the important thing is what will be most enjoyable for your dd with no care for what would make the parties enjoyable for the birthday girls or manageable for the parents, if this is your attitude it would do your dd far more good to have to choose between them, it sounds as though she is being spoilt rotten.

Motherfuckers · 15/10/2016 04:08

Oh crap yes, of course it is a reverse! The language is the giveaway: "centre of the unverse type" and "adorable". Fuck the fuck off OP, reverse threads are not welcome round these parts.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 15/10/2016 04:17

YABU and very rude, sorry. Pick a party.

Pluto30 · 15/10/2016 04:27

I don't see a problem with leaving one early and arriving at another slightly late, but I don't think it's at all reasonable to rock up to the first party again just because the second party has finished.

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