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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party clash

179 replies

belleville42 · 14/10/2016 20:23

AIBU to tell other mum that she's being totally ridiculous in asking my dd to choose which two best friend's parties to go to?
Background: Mum 1 has party 3pm-8pm. Mum 2 has party between 4pm-6pm. On the same day!
Asked Mum 1 if it was ok for me to drop dd off at 2.45pm and pick up at 3.45pm for her to go to other best friend's party, and then bring her back for 6.15pm for the final part of her chid's party.
Mum 1 wrote back and said dd has to 'choose' which party she goes to!
This is ridiculous!! Has she never 'party-hopped' to be present for good friends? I know I have. So, why should it be different for nine year olds?
Mum 1 is 'centre of the universe type'; Mum 2 is chilled, laid back and understands life (my good friend obvs!)
Concerned as I have to break the awful news to dd and it is going to be upsetting as both are her good mates. She wants to go to both.
So: Do I just turn up with dd at 2.45pm, take her off at 3.45pm for other party, and then bring her back at 6.15pm?

AIBU to just tell Mum 1 she is being ridiculous and needs to chill? And take on the onslaught from her, or just not pay no heed to her email and just do what is best for dd?
After all, Mum 1 can't refuse entry with an adorable dd standing in front of her - surely?
Why are people this way? Am I missing something? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
belleville42 · 14/10/2016 21:22

Wow. Surprised at response. Mum 1 does have party for five hours - two activities planned. Mum 2 does only have one activity. Both are good mates of dd. In my life I have 'party-hopped' because there has been a clash of events and I wanted to be there for both friends. Friends totally lovely that I made the effort.
In my dd life's birthdays, there have been times when friends have arrived late, having been at another party/Saturday activity (because their lives are busy), or left early at my dd party to go to another party / family event (again, because Saturday's can get packed at certain times of the year). Doesn't happen all times. But at certain times of the year, clashes can happen. I feel it was no big deal, and dd was more than happy that her friends made the effort to turn up for her, however truncated.
Surely it is better to be supportive and friends with both and show love, rather than just pick one as the other will definitely feel 'de-valued'?
Surely it is harsh to 'pick best-est' friend? What does the other birthday child feel if one of her best friends chose someone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
belleville42 · 14/10/2016 21:22

Both invites came through within a day of each other. Three weeks ago.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 14/10/2016 21:24

YABU. Rude.
Imagine you're hosting a dinner party and one of the guests goes off for a few hours.
Or you've got friends round and arranged a wine tasting. One or two of the group go to another activity for a while.
Or you're hosting a party for your DD. You've arranged games or movie or an entertainer or whatever. Some of the group have something they'd rather be doing for a few hours. They come back later telling your DD what a fab time they had at the other party.

underneaththeash · 14/10/2016 21:25

My response would be the same as mum1.

Your daughter should go to the party she replied yes to first.

Optimist3 · 14/10/2016 21:25

'I've already agreed with Elisabeth that she can attend 4-6 but let me know if it becomes more practical for DD to attend party 6-8. DD is very keen to attend both as you can imagine!'

OnchaoFerngrass · 14/10/2016 21:27

The other option is that she doesn't go to either of them and tells her friends she didn't want to choose between them.

Do the friends know each other?

Greengager · 14/10/2016 21:29

Party hoping is rude in my book you accept the first invite and stick with it even if a better offer comes along.

But five hours!!??

Original poster
belleville42 · 14/10/2016 21:30

Thank you Bestthingever. Party is for 9 year olds. I didn't decide the time length. The mum did. It is not my dd party - rather a party she's been invited to. Mum 1 does have 5 hour party. Mum 2 does have a two hour party. That's what they (rather their dd) want. No need to question, surely? Their time, their plan. It is up to them as to what they do. Surely?

I just want to ensure my dd gets to see two of her best mates on the same day as their birthdays. One is a school friend, one is a community friend. Both are dear to my dd. And both love my dd.

Both are parties for 15 odd children.

As I said, surprised by judgements.

OP posts:
MistresssIggi · 14/10/2016 21:31

And what if lots of children going to party 1 all decide to nip off to party 2? What a fun birthday that would be.

Redglitter · 14/10/2016 21:32

She's not the first and won't be the last child to get 2 invites on the same do. You do what everyone else does. Accept one. Decline one. It happens all the time. All the birthday child needs to know is X can't come to your party she going out that day.

They'll survive

BaronessEllaSaturday · 14/10/2016 21:32

If you hadn't accepted party 1's invite then the best way to approach it would have been to say that you had already accepted party 2 and to ask mum 1 if there was any way to make it work for your dd to spend part of the time at the party. It does come across as party 2 being more important so I'm not surprised it upset mum 1.

Redglitter · 14/10/2016 21:33

*same day

HarryPottersMagicWand · 14/10/2016 21:34

YABVU. And I can't believe you are surprised. It would be incredibly rude, not to mention hurtful to girl 1 to have her friend bugger off for a better offer then return when that better offer has finished.

No, you chose. I think mum 1 was quite right. But it's clear you don't like her.

You don't get to chose whether to pay no heed, you aren't the centre of the universe, neither is your adorable child. Her being adorable (to you) will mean sod all to mum 1.

SpringerS · 14/10/2016 21:38

You are being very unreasonable. It's one thing to leave one party early and go to the other late. That would be understandable. I bet if you'd said to mum1 that your DD couldn't come until the evening as you'd be busy that afternoon, she'd have said it was fine, see you at 6. But the whole idea of coming for an hour, leaving and then coming back for the last bit is atrociously bad mannered.

And you absolutely can't compare it to adults going to a couple of parties in one night. Especially if it's an informal 'drinks/chat/music' party of your 20s. Adults are better able to understand that people have other commitments and that leaving wasn't personal. That said if you were throwing a naice dinner party, it would be a bit shit if your dinner guest showed up for the starter, buggered off to meet a different friend for a pizza then came back to yours for dessert.

Original poster
belleville42 · 14/10/2016 21:38

I've party hopped at parties - not dinner parties because dinner parties are intimate - parties are not.

Re dd's party invites - neither birthday child know each other (except through my dd's chat).

These parties are parties. More than a few children. More than a few adults present.

Would be different if one was dear friend and other was acquaintance. But both are dear friends of dd.

Surprised that there is a judgement. As I am surprised as Mum 1's email to me.

Surely being kind, caring and loving to our friends by being supportive and being there for their birthday celebration - even for a short while or for a truncated while - is more important than 'social norms' or 'being thought of as rude'?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 14/10/2016 21:42

Bottom line is you've asked Mum 1 she's said no. Thats it. Regardless of your feelings on the matter she said no. If you take your daughter for an hour don't expect her to be allowed back later. And how embarrassing will that be

You or your daughter are going to have to do what everyone else does. Choose a party

witsender · 14/10/2016 21:45

You asked, and the answer is pretty unanimous.

OlennasWimple · 14/10/2016 21:45

Party hopping normally means leaving one to go to another, though, doesn't it? Not going and coming back again, which is just odd.

I've done linear party hopping, people have done that to me - but usually in the context of an informal, come over for drinks type party, not a structured, organized events type party.

If you want DD to go to both, she either goes to Party 1 for 45 mins then leaves for the next one. Or goes to PArty 2 first, then goes to the last 2 hours of Party 1. That's the option I would have gone for, I think. But as the mother has now said it's all or nothing, I think you have to accept that and decide which party she attends. In these circumstances, I would still send a nice card and present to the other birthday girl.

redskytonight · 14/10/2016 21:46

Whenever I've seen "party hopping" in action, it's when the child has gone to the majority of party 1, then gone to party 2, arriving late. So child gets to go to both parties and hopefully only causes minor inconvenience to party hosts. If I was Mum 1, I'd take offence at your going away and coming back again, rather than the hopping per se. It's a right pain if she has activities planned. Plus you've asked to arrive before the "official" start time which is a pain. It might well have been better to suggest that child would go to the 4-6 party, perhaps leaving early, and then gone onto the other party.

GnomeDePlume · 14/10/2016 21:46

YABU

being supportive is an adult concept

arriving at a party then leaving then coming back is just plain rude

If I was mum 1 and you tried to pull that sort of stunt then I would have no qualms about telling you that your dd was not welcome to rejoin the party

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/10/2016 21:48

Choose one - job done - another yabu!

MyWineTime · 14/10/2016 21:55

I think it is outrageously bloody rude to party hop in this way.
Having to leave early to go somewhere else is one thing, but going to the first one for a bit, leaving to go to the other one, then returning to the first is just taking the piss.
Choose one and go to it. Send apologies to the other.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/10/2016 21:59

And your DD will get over it - if you don't
Make a drama about it !

MinnieMinchkin · 14/10/2016 22:00

Are the two girls not friends with each other if they are both so close to your DD? Are there other friends in a similar position of having to choose?

bumsexatthebingo · 14/10/2016 22:01

I wouldn't even drop in on someones event as an adult then go somewhere else and return later when I'm at a loose end again. Astonished you can't see what bad manners that is op! If the mum has said choose one then choose the one you replied to first which you should have done in the first place. Your dd can get together and 'show love' to the other friend on another day Hmm