Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party clash

179 replies

belleville42 · 14/10/2016 20:23

AIBU to tell other mum that she's being totally ridiculous in asking my dd to choose which two best friend's parties to go to?
Background: Mum 1 has party 3pm-8pm. Mum 2 has party between 4pm-6pm. On the same day!
Asked Mum 1 if it was ok for me to drop dd off at 2.45pm and pick up at 3.45pm for her to go to other best friend's party, and then bring her back for 6.15pm for the final part of her chid's party.
Mum 1 wrote back and said dd has to 'choose' which party she goes to!
This is ridiculous!! Has she never 'party-hopped' to be present for good friends? I know I have. So, why should it be different for nine year olds?
Mum 1 is 'centre of the universe type'; Mum 2 is chilled, laid back and understands life (my good friend obvs!)
Concerned as I have to break the awful news to dd and it is going to be upsetting as both are her good mates. She wants to go to both.
So: Do I just turn up with dd at 2.45pm, take her off at 3.45pm for other party, and then bring her back at 6.15pm?

AIBU to just tell Mum 1 she is being ridiculous and needs to chill? And take on the onslaught from her, or just not pay no heed to her email and just do what is best for dd?
After all, Mum 1 can't refuse entry with an adorable dd standing in front of her - surely?
Why are people this way? Am I missing something? AIBU?

OP posts:
ifink · 15/10/2016 04:58

hmm, if i were Mum 1 I'd be pretty put out with a guest popping out for another party - like they are trying to have all the cake and eat it. It's not really about being 'supportive' is it, it's about your DD getting a massive day of parties - lots of activities, cake, food and 2 party bags. If I were Mum2 I'd be peeved too (probably silently and say 'its fine' to your face).... I understand when kids arrive late to parties due to sports activities/clubs/family events which can't be moved, but I have never had a child come late because they were at another party! (and then be leaving again to join the previous party)...seems very rude

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2016 05:03

Mum 1 gets to decide the rules, a child of 9 doesn't. As many have said, leaving a party early and arriving at the next one late is the norm when party hopping. To ask to go back is very odd.

If your dd cannot decide, I would send her to the one with school friends. You can organise a "party" just dd and this child on a different day as you are friends with the mum. She's 9 and perfectly old enough to brook this disappointment. You will be teaching her a life lesson.

Oblomov16 · 15/10/2016 06:06

You asked mum 1 if dd could attend, go and then come back and she said no. End of.
Let dd go to party 1 for a bit, then take her to party 2.
The fact she misses the final part of party 1 is no loss. She's been to both parties.

Redglitter · 15/10/2016 07:06

These threads crack me up

OP - AIBU
The whole of Mumsnet - Yes
OP - No I'm not

Hmm
LyndaNotLinda · 15/10/2016 07:11

You go to whichever party you accepted first.

Party hopping is rude. I suspect your friends didn't love it, nor that anyone except you thinks your DD is adorable.

KERALA1 · 15/10/2016 07:15

I'm with mum 1 that is extremely rude I am cringing for you. You can't arse about flitting from place to place disrupting stuff. Party hopping Ok for a large adult bar crawl in your twenties or something but a properly hosted event where your presence matters to host absolutely not.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 15/10/2016 07:20

I think you seem very invested in your dd's social life. These girls are her 'dear' friends, she has a 'wide social circle'. She's 'adorable' and surely can't be refused if she rocks up again at party 1.

You asked the question of mum 1, you got an answer. Whether you agree with it or not is irrelevant, she's laid down her boundaries and now it's up to you to make it work for your dd within the constraints you've been given.

I also think you're out of order to suggest mum 1 is uptight etc just because she's disagreed with your request. People are different!

Nataleejah · 15/10/2016 07:22

YABU. Which invitation came first? There you go

ZoeWashburne · 15/10/2016 07:24

But you aren't being a supportive friend when you are being disruptive at a party by leaving early or coming late. How hurtful for that poor child to see their friend leave for another party!

Party hopping at an adults open house cocktail party is very different than at a child's birthday.

You should have gone to the party you were invited to first and declined the other. Children need to learn they can't go to everything and how to navigate saying no to a friend.

YABVU and frankly, really rude!

Optimist3 · 15/10/2016 07:26

I wouldn't go to mum 1's party, I'd go to the your friends daughters party.

There's nothing wrong with party hopping if it's a standard kids party rather then an expensive paid activity.

ZoeWashburne · 15/10/2016 07:29

OP if you keep behaving this rudely to hosts, I'm sure you'll find the problem of too many invitations will soon solve itself.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 15/10/2016 07:33

What are they doing for 5 hrs at a children's party (misses point of thread completely)?

KoalaDownUnder · 15/10/2016 07:39

There's nothing wrong with party hopping if it's a standard kids party rather then an expensive paid activity.

Yes, you're right, that's exactly what we want to teach children: the more money someone's spent on you, the more important it is to be polite to them.

HmmConfused

n0ne · 15/10/2016 07:40

Well, I'm gonna go against the grain here. I think it's fine to attend two parties, and have done it myself in the past (3 parties once! That was hectic!). If there are a fair no. of attendees, the fact that one of them disappears for a couple of hours, then reappears, is hardly going to matter that much, surely? The first girl says she doesn't mind, and it's only your DD that's doing it.

I had a party for my DD when she was 2 and people turned up and left as was convenient for them. Didn't bother me at all - people have busy lives, I was just chuffed they bothered to turn up at all.

TheNaze73 · 15/10/2016 07:40

Schoolgirl error. You can't do it, now you've asked! You should ask for forgiveness, not permission & just do it

confuugled1 · 15/10/2016 07:47

Op are both the parties at other girl's homes? Or when you mention activities planned are they going to be somewhere doing bowling or laser tag or something of that ilk that is paid for?

If so I'd also be hacked off that I was expected to pay for an activity that would only be half used at best.

I'd maybe approach the mum again nicely to see if she could suggest any way that your dd could best join in within the restrictions you have (hopefully they won't take to long to get between!). And maybe get your dd to talk to her friend too.

ZuleikaDobson · 15/10/2016 07:51

Surely being kind, caring and loving to our friends by being supportive and being there for their birthday celebration - even for a short while or for a truncated while - is more important than 'social norms' or 'being thought of as rude'?

I don't understand how you think appearing to be rude (even if you don't think you are) is supportive?

Crunchymum · 15/10/2016 07:51

Eurgh, just reread the first post and saw the comment about 'not being able to refuse your adorable dd entry'

Get over yourself. Seriously.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/10/2016 07:54

Mum 2 party definitely.

milkysmum · 15/10/2016 07:56

Not sure why you posted if you are completely unwilling to even consider people may have a different opinion to you and that your plan could very well be seen as rude

cansu · 15/10/2016 07:57

Sounds to me like the second party is the one you want your ds to go to because mum 2 is a friend of yours too. Tbh if you had already said yes to party 1 or your dd is closer or more involved day to day with girl in party 1 she should go there and nicely decline other party. Of course she would like to go to both but that isn't what happens in real life. You make choices. Making all this drama and ringing mum 1 to suggest party hopping idea creates bad feeling and also puts your dd under pressure and gives her the idea that she can do both. You should have simply said you can only go to one which one would you prefer and stuck to that.

bloodymaria · 15/10/2016 08:09

OP if you keep behaving this rudely to hosts, I'm sure you'll find the problem of too many invitations will soon solve itself.

Absolutely. Doubt you'll have this problem next year. Unless this is a reverse, in which case yab doubley u because reverse threads are just so annoying.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/10/2016 08:16

I don't think mum 1 is BU to say no coming and going.

It would have been better to email and say DD has a prior engagement and could she come at 6-8 as she'd love to be there and celebrate with her DD.

zad716 · 15/10/2016 08:21

Surely it is harsh to 'pick best-est' friend? What does the other birthday child feel if one of her best friends chose someone else?

The way you proposed the best-est friend was picked as your DD would attend all of one party and only half of the other. Mum 1 might have been more flexible if her DD's party wasn't seen as the least important one.

TheFuckitBuckit · 15/10/2016 08:27

I think you are confusing "kind, caring and supportive" with "entitled"
You have already been told mum 1 has said no to party hopping.

You think mum one is ridiculous and needs to chill
You want to totally disregard her email and turn up anyway
You have decided it perfectly acceptable to drop your dd at 2.45 when party starts at 3.
You have decided party mum 1 will not refuse to accept your dd if you turn up because she is totally adorable!
You have been told numerous times that this is rude but you cannot accept that and everyone here is being judgemental......I could go on.

Do you see a pattern here???
The common denominator is "you"

This isn't about being supportive and kind you're just trying to dress it up.I'm sure your dd will have a blast whichever party she attends and will soon forget that she didn't go to the other. It won't affect her friendships.

This has to be a reverse surely???