Birthday party clash

[belleville42]

AIBU to tell other mum that she's being totally ridiculous in asking my dd to choose which two best friend's parties to go to?
Background: Mum 1 has party 3pm-8pm. Mum 2 has party between 4pm-6pm. On the same day!
Asked Mum 1 if it was ok for me to drop dd off at 2.45pm and pick up at 3.45pm for her to go to other best friend's party, and then bring her back for 6.15pm for the final part of her chid's party.
Mum 1 wrote back and said dd has to 'choose' which party she goes to!
This is ridiculous!! Has she never 'party-hopped' to be present for good friends? I know I have. So, why should it be different for nine year olds?
Mum 1 is 'centre of the universe type'; Mum 2 is chilled, laid back and understands life (my good friend obvs!)
Concerned as I have to break the awful news to dd and it is going to be upsetting as both are her good mates. She wants to go to both.
So: Do I just turn up with dd at 2.45pm, take her off at 3.45pm for other party, and then bring her back at 6.15pm?

AIBU to just tell Mum 1 she is being ridiculous and needs to chill? And take on the onslaught from her, or just not pay no heed to her email and just do what is best for dd?
After all, Mum 1 can't refuse entry with an adorable dd standing in front of her - surely?
Why are people this way? Am I missing something? AIBU?

I think it's rude, too. OP might say, "Surely being kind, caring and loving to our friends by being supportive and being there for their birthday celebration," but it really just comes across as being grabby and greedy - "I'm popular, I want to go to two parties, I will go to two parties and do whatever fun activities are planned and eat cake." Etc. It's not about being kind, caring and loving, and it doesn't appear that way.

If the parties overlapped only a bit, I think it would be fine to leave one a little early and go to the other a little late (as long as it didn't mess up the timings for any activity planned) but there's way too much overlap here. If the other event was a long-standing family event, then I think it would be OK to leave the first party early and go to the family event, but it's not OK to leave the first party to go to another children's party.

You should go the party you first accepted.

I would be fine with you leaving early to go to another party, but not with you coming back later for the last half hour. I would find that odd, and irritating.

Party hop? Rude.
Choose a party and let your DD go to it. Take a card and small gift to other child.

If I was hosting a party for my DC and one of the children was picked up to go to another party mid-way and came back for the last hour I'd think they were beyond rude.
I'm sure the birthday girl will cope without your DD's presence.

What I would have done:

Say to Mum 1 - we're busy that afternoon, but DD would really like to see friend, can she turn up at 6 for the last 2 hours?

Say to Mum 2 - we've got plan for the evening so I may need to pick up 10mins early.

Job done.

Agree with the others, the bit that is not on is to turn up (early) then disappear and then return.

Agree with other posters.... DD goes to one party leaves early (rude).

Goes to another party.

Returns to first party in order to collect the party bag and cake (beyond rude).

Please come back after the parties and tell us what happened. I am actively going to place mark now 😂😃

Leaving one party 15 main early to get to another is "party hopping". Leaving a 5 hour party an hour in to go to someone else's party is just plain rude. Returning to that party a few hours later when you are free again is just bizarre.
Delightful as your dad undoubtedly is, I'm sure one of these girls can manage without her.

I'm sure your dad is delightful but actually meant your dd.

The world does not revolve around your adorable dd, you go with the first invite you said yes too and send apologies to the other. It's very simple. If a nine year old hasn't ever had to honour a commitment then something is wrong.

Very rude to expect to do both leaving child one with guests not staying for the actual event and to try and dress it up under the guise of being virtuous.

Op you've already decided what you're doing. Not sure why you've come on here and decided to ignore the majority of people who think YABU.
Your dd will have to learn in life that sometimes you cannot do everything. Seems like she won't be learning that from you. Or basic manners. Shame.
IMO decide on one party, decline the other, and invite the birthday child of the declined party to a play date at another time.
But like I said, you're going to do what you want to do anyway!

Leaving early to go to another party is usually fine (unless out at an activity where it might not be possible), or arriving late (same as previous). What isn't acceptable is to ask to drop off early so your DD can have an hour at the first party, then drop her back later when the other party finishes.

We've done one party-hop. DD agreed to go to a party something like 12-2 and then had a 2-4 invite. I asked mum1 if I could collect DD smack on 2 in order to go to party2 (who was a new child in DD's class so was unsure how many people might be there). Let mum2 know we might be about 20mins late. This was fine, I arrived slightly early and mum1 had everything ready for DD and we were only 10mins late to the second party. I wouldn't party-hop if there was an overlap of times, DD would have to choose and we would probably invite the other child over for tea at another time.

It seems like you agreed to the first party then got your friend's invite a day later and are now trying to do both. If you've already agreed to be at friend1's party, then you need to go. What you could have done if you hadn't responded is asked if it's at all possible to drop your DD 6-8pm at party1 after attending party2 (but totally accept that it might not be).

Your child needs to learn that sometimes you accept an invitation and a better offer comes up. It's nice (and polite) to continue with the first acceptance.

Op i do think your approach comes across as a bit entitled - the world doesn't revolve around your child and you need to accept mum1s approach graciously. I always make my kids choose between parties even if one is morning and one is afternoon on the same day - we don't do two parties in one day, we'd never do anything bloody else. It's a good lesson for DD to learn, you can't have it all in life. Help her to understand and deal with that maturely. I'd go round in the morning and drop off a card and gift to the other party child and arrange a play date at yours for the following week where you get DD to help do her a special tea. No parent or bday girl would feel second place in the face of that as a plan B.

I agree with most of the posters' sentiments on this thread. However, I find it troubling that mumsnet operates on some threads in something of a gang culture way. People see the first few posts and seek to up the ante, 'pile in' on the OP in ever stronger terms, safe in the knowledge that they are protected by the overwhelming mass response. Then it builds and you get posts many pages in like 'euch re read op and saw the the adorable daughter comment, fuck off op' or similar, like people see the trend and trail through the thread for evidence to 'up the stakes'. It makes me feel very uncomfortable because it genuinely reminds me of the playground culture of 8 year olds who don't know better or my days doing criminal law and crimes like affray or riot where mass anger builds and becomes a beast of its own. Where people seek strength in numbers rather than their own opinion.

Have your own view. Say it your way. Don't seek to become part of a 'side' in a war against an op, however unreasonable she is. It's puerile and bloody mean.

Definitely rude! going to a party for 45 minutes before leaving to go to another child's party for the entire thing and then going back to party 1. How can that not be rude?! Hope it's not a cinema party.
Did you accept both invites? If you haven't accepted either yet, let DD choose. She will probably want to go to her school friends party so she doesn't miss out when her friends talk about it. Don't force her to do what you want her to do.
And even if you can't see it, everyone who said it looks rude and party bag grabby is right.

It was actually myself that didn't see the 'adorable' comment when I posted late last night. I went back to first post as I'd seen it mentioned subsequently and I wanted to see what posters were on about.

I didn't swear but did post that the adorable comment cemented the fact that that OP is being VU.

I am not sure if I'm comfortable being told what I am allowed to post and being inferred to as a bully just because I agree with the consensus and came back to make a second post. The OP has come back and reiterated her position many times?

How rude to think that's even acceptable. She goes to one or the other simple ...

In fact grumpy I am actually pretty offended that you have used my comment to basically say the OP is being bullied.

I think you need to get over yourself and stop trying to police / moderate.

not dinner parties because dinner parties are intimate - parties are not...................... These parties are parties. More than a few children. More than a few adults present.

I chose dinner parties as an example, not because they are intimate but because they are an example of a specific activity that required a lot of planning and to some degree incurs a cost per head. Similar to this party which is 5 hours long because it includes 2 activities plus cake time. That involved planning ahead of time and will involve serious co-ordination on the day. It's really, really not ok to dip in and our of that. It would cause such hassle for the mother who is organising the party.

And as for showing up early? That is so, so rude. Usually the last 15 minutes before a party are spent scrambling around, doing last minute bits and pieces and if you are very, very lucky, being able to grab a quick shower. You can't expect to show up for that.

OP, I really hope you accept that YABU and pick one party to attend. If not, it may affect whether your DD gets further invitations in future. Be aware that word gets round. You don't want the reputation of being THAT parent.

Crunchy - I am more then entitled to give my view and post whatever evidence I think supports it. You'll see i was talking about a trend, using your post as evidence of that trend in this particular thread. It felt like you were wading in with a another punch when other people had the OP on the floor. If you weren't then fine, but that is certainly what it looked like to me.

Hang on!

You aren't being unreasonable!
Your trying to be fair, I can see that.

You don't want to upset either party or your little one.

Why can't some people see this?

Sack them all off, take her out for dinner, too much stress!

You didn't even "quote me" correctly grumpy as there was no swearing in my post.

Are you suggesting that if an AIBU is unanimous then people should no longer post as to not gang up on the OP?

I'd not seen a comment that was subsequently mentioned by several other posters so went back to read it and posted for the second time. Because the thread us almost unanimous do you think we should only be able to post once?

My comment as far as I can see was the only one of it's ilk on this thread so yes I feel like you had personally picked me out and inferred I was bullying the OP.

Grumpy - I don't think you're being fair to say "It felt like you were wading in with a another punch when other people had the OP on the floor." If it's OK for you to be "more then entitled to give my view and post whatever evidence I think supports it", then it's OK for other people, too. As far as I can see, people are just giving their opinion on this matter as they see it. It just so happens that the vast majority see this in the same way. I don't think that means they were going in for "another punch" when the OP was "on the floor". You don't know the OP's on the floor at all. If other people have other viewpoints, I for one, am interested to hear them.

Grumpy i know exactly what you mean about some threads having almost a gang mentality. I'm not sure this is one, but I understand your view for sure, and it's not pleasant, I agree.

However I really don't think it was on to take crunchy's comment and actually misquote it. What crunchy said and what you said are very different and it was hugely misrepresentative.

And sometimes Grumpy, there's just an overwhelming consensus which can appear like ganging up.

Honestly, I am on a lot of forums and this is the only one where ganging up/playground bullying/you're like a load of 8 year olds is regularly thrown about as a term of abuse when posters give robust opinions. It's also the only one that is dominated by women. Funny, that.

Yes YABU..

You asked mum no.1 she said no..If I was mum No.1 I would also say no...

You say she has 2 activities so she has to do the timing of these activities around your DD's activities coming and going. I don't think so..

So while you might feel like you are trying to do the right thing you aren't

Your decision now is what you want to do about it.. You could invite one child over to yours another day to celebrate and do something together to celebrate childs birthday.

I personally would do the school one for the simple reason ..lots of peers there. If other child is also best friend then they will enjoy doing something together.

I actually don't understand the 2 best friends it is am emotive word..My DS is in a group of 3 I don't and he doesn't call either of them best friends.

Grumpy, I don't think you are representing correctly what tends to happen on MN, or what is happening on this thread. Yes, there is a degree of mob culture where, regularly, the first batch of posters follow the lead of the first two or three posts. But it very often happens that, at a relatively early stage, one or two posters start disagreeing and put up posts that present the opposite side of the argument, others then come in and support them, and you get a much more balanced discussion.

Yes, there certainly are threads where all or most of the posts go the same way. When that happens, IME that is usually because that is, quite genuinely, the way all or most of the posters think as individuals. See, for example, the thread posted by the man who wanted to leave his partner because she facilitates their children in seeing his child from a one night stand. If you post something in AIBU that people genuinely disagree with, you have to accept that they will give their opinions, whether in twos and threes, in tens, or in hundreds.