This Facebook status has made me hate my mother in 3 seconds.

[Namechangingforever]

I'm BU, I'm not silly. And this post will probably sound OTT, but I need to rant and AIBU is a good place to rant ( I like to think I have a thick skin).

Bit of a backstory I have a gorgeous baby girl who I couldn't feed via breastfeeding, I also couldn't express enough milk for her while she was in NICU, so she had to have donated breast milk, it made me feel so fucking shit about myself, as I couldn't even give my baby what she needed.

Baby not long been home (4 weeks) my sis has just given birth (this morning) to the 2nd most gorgeous baby girl I'm really happy for her, I'm also really please breast feeding is going well (of course I'm jealous about it (not sure if that's the right word)) but I honestly am seriously happy for them! a gorgeous pic came up on Facebook with the caption "gorgeous girl having a feed via the boob" and a lovely pic, I liked it and commented as it was sweet. Along comes my mother with her fucking "how it should be" shit, it's really wound me up.

I have been crying for the last half an hour. I'm clearly over sensitive, but I just feel like my own mum thinks I'm a shit mum for not doing it "how I should".

I'm just so upset and then along comes my other sister who has liked my mum's comment. I bet they're having a right old gossip about how I'm not being a proper mum to my baby

FB is great for seeing what others are up to, but it is shit when you are going through tough times because you end up feeling hurt by comparison to others.

I'd consider staying off FB for now and remain blissfully ignorant. You don't need to see things that make you compare yourself to others. Your dm might have meant that the closeness in the pic rather than the feeding mechanism was how it's meant to be. You can have this closeness and skin to skin with bottle too.

You've had a traumatic time. Stay off the social media for a while and concentrate on enjoying your new baby. Go and visit your sister. She may well struggle yet with breast feeding. It can be very sore and tricky to do. You'll also have some useful knowledge about dealing with a newborn too. You can support eachother

It's not your fault obviously, not fairy!

Oh love, forgive your Mother her stupidity. I really don't think that she had her thinking head on.Two beautiful baby Grand daughters, at almost the same time. I am not making excuses for her, you must feel very hurt.
For what it's worth, I felt just like you did, regarding breast feeding, I couldn't do it, I didn't feel, in my young naivety, like a proper Mum. But you know what, my next baby, I fed him until he was two years old ! Mega Mum me 😂 There's always next time sweetheart 🌺🌺🌺

I think your mum has been slightly thoughtless rather than insensitive, but understandably it hurt when everything is so new. If your dsis is bfing you will need to make peace with yourself and the fact you couldn't before it becomes an issue and you start avoiding her or harbouring bad feelings.

You have to expect there will be some positive comments over the coming months if your dsis continues to bf and try not to misinterpret them as negative comments towards you.

You are a great mum.
I have three children, all a lot older now. Two I breast fed and one was bottle fed. There is no difference been them, we're all healthy as babies, it absolutely makes no difference. My partners family actually made me feel like I was weird breastfeeding as none of them did.
Just enjoy your baby and give her lots of cuddles X

I haven't read the full thread but I think maybe how babies are fed must be such a non issue for you mum that she hasn't even realised that it is an issue for you.

I just mean if your first grandaughter has been in the nicu you just want them to be well so badly that how they are fed must be the least of your worries at that time and maybe what she's trying to get across is that this picture is of how it's supposed to be when life goes well and babies aren't born early or unwell?

Please don't let this make you feel bad or hate your mum. Tone and intention are difficult to judge correctly in text / fb. If your mum hasn't made you fell this way in person then I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel like this at all.

Yanbu at all, I would speak to her and tell her what you said on here. Ask her to remove the comment, as it's not very nice. Btw I hate those kind of Facebook pictures, with those captions, it smacks, hey look at me, aren't I a winderful mother!

Feeding pictures fine, smug captions no! We know what the picture is of!

When my son was born by emergency C-section 32 years ago (after a 3 day labour where I tried my damnedest to have him naturally my MIL would comment EVERY 5 mins about 'when you have a child naturally' ..... It really bothered and hurt me at the time but I couldn't have loved my beautiful boy more and he grew to be a strong,well adjusted boy/man ...sadly things don't always go to plan but the aim is to have a happy,content baby and if that can't be achieved for whatever reason by BF then you can only do what you can do. Please do NOT see this as you failing as a Mum I'm sure you'll be a great Mum to your LO...Your DM may be being UR without thinking of your feelings right now. Congratulations by the way.

It's a pity people don't read back their own words before posting, maybe if the read them objectively, they would think twice!

I ve never understood why peopl get upset about not being able to breastfeed.

There really is no difference between a breastfed baby and a formula fed baby. You cannot tell the difference at all!

I never breastfed my dd who is now 4 and im currently pregnant and wont be even attempting to breastfeed either.

I think that the whole thing was insensitive. Yeah, a picture is fine if you want, but no need for the smug captions and comments. People just do not think, and I would be upset too.

Just concentrate on loving your little baby, and doing all you can to show love and care. You're doing a fantastic job.

That was such an insensitive comment. Don't feel bad OP, I think if people were asked to list what makes a good mum, breastfeeding and vaginal births would not be on that list!

I just think certain groups just don't 'get' Facebook. My mums forever swanning around & 'cutting people out of her life' because they don't like her posts on Facebook, even though it's casual racism & of course no one likes it.

Tell your mum she's hurt your feelings & can she try & be less insensitive otherwise it'll damage your relationship.

I think your sister was very insensitive too, that picture was not just a feeding picture, but a smug caption to boot, nice!

I think you have every right to be upset, it seems at best an utterly thoughtless remark at worst horribly vindictive.

Your mum was incredibly insensitive but likely didn't realise and was just trying to support your sister. Please just talk to her. Don't blame her as a pp said just say I saw this and it made me feel shit. Give her a chance to reassure you.

Re cousins the same age my eldest DDs cousin is in the same school in same year as her. It's never been an issue. They have their own friends but look out for each other. It's nice for me as well as I have someone else close to me going through the same wobbles at the same time e.g. the potty training panic, the nursery stuff, starting school etc. The only irritating thing is that I often have to make 2 identical cakes just weeks apart as they generally have the same interests!

I agree with Ifounddory! Your mum was clumsy and insensitive but I think she just had her brain switched off for a moment. If you get on well with her, have a chat once you're a bit less vulnerable. You've gone through a lot and hormones are a mess after giving birth, been there not long ago!

A baby needs milk but it doesn't matter if it comes from a breast or a bottle, it's just nutrition. Above that, a baby needs love, cuddles, smiles and a happy mum.
I have a friend who gave up BF after a massive struggle (bleeding nipples, mastitis...) as she was constantly anxious and the baby would pick up on her stress. Now they are both happy, baby is thriving and starting to wean.
One of my best friends chose not to BF. DD is now 5 and is the tallest in the class. She has no regrets and her husband enjoyed feeding the little one.

I agree that there is a big pressure about BF and natural birth that makes some women feel inadequate or less than others. It shouldn't really be like that, every birth and every baby are different!

You are doing great, don't let anyone question that x

To the pps above saying there is no difference between breastfeeding and bottle. That is factually incorrect and a quick Google search will show you the differences (immune benefits, oxytocin release, hormones triggered by breastfeeding which help the uterus contract, sterile, always correctly mixed and correct temperature, ease of digestion including less smelly poos and more). Even the fact that donated breast milk is used in NICU should demonstrate that cows milk and human milk is not exactly the same. HOWEVER, there are enough things to worry about in terms of having a child so if breastfeeding is not possible or not chosen then everyone just needs to move forward positively.

And your post was SO helpful to the OP in this situation, wasn't it Rosamund. Nice.

Right thank you Rosamund for that very helpful lecture advice. That will really help the op!

Whilst i really don't think the op's mom did anything wrong, she probably wasn't even thinking of the op at the time, nor was her sister, rosamund1 this just wasn't needed.
Telling an op all the benefits of bf when she couldn't isn't is not helpful in the least.

I don't Roamind was being unhelpful. Just truthful. because people read on here and might take what people say as factually accurate. But the point is we birth out babies how we can not how we can't. We feed them how we can not how we can't. I think it is vital for the OK to move on. enjoy her baby and enjoy her niece/sister and mum and get support from them etc/give support. That's what is important IMHO.

Op not OK!