This Facebook status has made me hate my mother in 3 seconds.

[Namechangingforever]

I'm BU, I'm not silly. And this post will probably sound OTT, but I need to rant and AIBU is a good place to rant ( I like to think I have a thick skin).

Bit of a backstory I have a gorgeous baby girl who I couldn't feed via breastfeeding, I also couldn't express enough milk for her while she was in NICU, so she had to have donated breast milk, it made me feel so fucking shit about myself, as I couldn't even give my baby what she needed.

Baby not long been home (4 weeks) my sis has just given birth (this morning) to the 2nd most gorgeous baby girl I'm really happy for her, I'm also really please breast feeding is going well (of course I'm jealous about it (not sure if that's the right word)) but I honestly am seriously happy for them! a gorgeous pic came up on Facebook with the caption "gorgeous girl having a feed via the boob" and a lovely pic, I liked it and commented as it was sweet. Along comes my mother with her fucking "how it should be" shit, it's really wound me up.

I have been crying for the last half an hour. I'm clearly over sensitive, but I just feel like my own mum thinks I'm a shit mum for not doing it "how I should".

I'm just so upset and then along comes my other sister who has liked my mum's comment. I bet they're having a right old gossip about how I'm not being a proper mum to my baby

La good point. Op you are quite right to feel how you feel about BF but I suppose people are not trying to minimise your hurt but more reassure you that feeding your baby ff is absolutely fine and bresdtvfeefing does not equate to being a better mummy.

YANBU

Some people are just twats, and some of those people are mothers.

Sadly you got one of the twats as yours.

That woukd be a nasty insensitive thing to post at the best of times. Weeks after your daughter had a preemie that couldn't bf is just cruel.

You did give your daughter what she needed - breastmilk. Isn't it amazing that we have a system that makes it possible for women to help each other out at such a tricky time.

Your baby needed different care from most babies. And she got it. Of course it's not the start you wanted, but you did so well to get through it.

It's fine to be a bit twingey about your sister and her baby getting an easier ride. Pregnancy and childbirth, and the post partum period are not fair. Some w9men are just luckuer than others.

It is fairvand reasonable to see that your mother is a cow for posting that.

It doesn't mean that what she wrote had ant validity. Just that some people are very unkind.

Just to clarify, formula would have been fine too. I just thought you felt awful that the milk you gave her came from another woman. But that isn't at all important.

You gave her what she needed. That's what counts.

OP you are a great mum and there are millions of ways to be a great mum- you are doing a brilliant job with your little one. I suspect your mum is just being thoughtless and wouldn't have meant to hurt you. I bet she'd be kicking herself if she knew how deeply upset you are. Try not to be discouraged- it's an emotional time and all too easy to find other people have got under your skin. You're right to let off steam here- but try to focus on yourself and your little one now and enjoy every minute

Congratulations on your baby! Your mum is either incredibly insensitive stupid or a total cow.
I know how you feel re breastfeeding, my son and I never hit it off (he was rotational forceps and had a very sore face). I've just made the decision to stop expressing for him after 10 weeks as every time I express it reminds me that I've failed to feed him 'properly' and it's horrible. My son is a happy, healthy 10 week old and 3 different hcp have told me to give him formula now.
I bet you're a wonderful mummy and your baby is lucky to have you

Oh and my mil made a couple of insensitive comments re feeding the day after my baby was born when I'd been up all night with him screaming unable to latch.

I had a NICU baby short term and we eventually made a success of breastfeeding BUT there were sooo many times we almost didn't. Please be kind to yourself and please remember that you will have been through trauma, comments people make are not about you..although it may feel like it. You are a fabulous Mum. Even though you can't breastfeed still keep your baby close, skin to skin, etc and you can at least keep part of the experience.

YANBU. I had a prem dc in NICU and struggled to express any sort of amounts, eventually gave up after 3 weeks. I remember sobbing to my gp as I felt such a failure being unable to do it. Funny I struggled with my 2nd (full term too), latching problems but I didn't give myself a hard time about it that time.

I would have been so upset at a comment like that and I would pull her on it.

Said dc are happy, healthy 10 and 4 year olds.

Congratulations on your baby

I'd say something to your mum if I were you. Just "I'm sure you didn't mean it but it was insensitive when you know how I struggled".

YANBU Op, I would have been devastated if my Mum said that. :( But BF has no bearing on your worth or suitability as a Mum and you should not feel like a failure or less worthy of praise. My DS spent his first days in the NICU and I couldn't feed him either, as he wouldn't latch or take from a syringe or cup (which they were insisting on) and the midwives wouldn't let me give him a bottle of expressed milk until we had established BF (which never really happened) so I get it. Hugs.

Unless there was a back story I'd just interpret it as being happy that all is well this time. Not a reflection on you.
Bad choice of words, though.

Ask her what she meant by that and you'll know. Better than harbouring resentment.

YANBU that was a pretty low shitty insensitive thing for your mum to say. Ignore her though your a brilliant mum to your little fighter don't ever forget that. Bf doesn't always work out for everyone so please don't beat yourself up about it not working out for you. Your baby is loved, well looked after and well fed and that is all that matters. Huge hugs and for you and baby. Xxxx

I would consider whether you really need Facebook. It really is complete shit.

I realise that I'm probably in a minority but I really don't get the hang-up with breast feeding. You shouldn't feel bad, or less of a mother because it didn't work out for you OP.

I think your mother was being thoughtless, but I don't think you need to care about breast feeding as much as you do. It's a tiny part of a much bigger whole. But as you are hurt, and you are sensitive to it, I'd suggest calling your mother out on it.

YANBU

Your mother has been incredibly thoughtless!

I would've been terribly hurt by a comment like that if i wherein your circumstances.

so....put another post there saying " a baby needs milk however they can get it, via boob, donated milk or bottle. Some mothers suffer issues when they have their babies and cant give them milk, perhaps mothers and siblings should be sensitive if this has happened to someone close to them, this is how it should be in a loving caring family"

Very inconsiderate. I couldn't breastfeed either, no milk or not enough. I had the breastfeeding advisor at home, the nurses at hospital, the midwife every time she came, the health visitor, the pump, the domperidone pills, you name it. My breastfeeding advisor ended up shrugging her shoulders abd saying not everyone can breastfeed and my midwife forced my husband to go and buy formula whilst she was waiting because my DD had lost more weight than reasonable or expected. I felt guilty and inadequate. I had mild depression.
With my second, I tried for an hour, i had the same issues and my nipples were bleeding within minutes. I gave up and move to formula on first day. I'm going to be slashed by the BF league but for me it was all about avoiding the guilt trip of the first time, being happy so my baby had a happy mummy, feeding my baby in any way so he didn't go through what my DD did and be hungry, having the balance was more important to me. They both had the colostrum I could give. They are both happy kids.

I actually complained to my GP about the pressure I felt to BF and how it led me to feelings of inadequacy. She agreed it was a bit over the top and I shouldn't feel that way.

Lots of people cannot bf for many reasons, they might be on medication, had mastectomies, be adoptive parents... focus on giving your DD love and a safety environment. She's not hungry, she's bring fed and you actually even found bf milk for her. Your mum is being ignorant and insensitive. Did she BF you? Most people were formula fed at that time. Can she really be so righteous?

If it was my DM, I would have no qualms about raining down fire on her pointing out that it had hurt me because it IS a stupid fucking thing to say.

I couldn't feed DD via breast due to her being poorly, and I'll tell you what - two years down the line, it makes fuck-all difference. I am the best mother I can be to her because I love her with every fibre of my being - your breast milk is not a measure of your love.

Big congrats on your new baby

She probably wasn't thinking. My mum's exactly the same and her mouth takes off before her brain's in gear at times.

My ex dickhead BiL said something similar to me after I had DD3, even though he knew that I had PND and had been physically unable to feed her.

Just enjoy your new baby, and everyone else can just sod off!

YANBU at all, that is really insensitive. Even if she didn't have any bad intention, she should have thought about what she was writing... Even if you hadn't had the problems you've had, other people who have bottle fed will see that.

When things don't go well for a new mother and baby, it is a worry for the whole family, your mother has probably been worrying about your sister and her baby and is relieved that it seems to have been less problematic for her than it has for you. If she was supportive when you were struggling,then I think to take her words as a judgement on your 'performance' is a bit harsh, because it should have been like that for you, it should be like that for everyone, unfortunately sometimes things go wrong. I felt sad for ages that my children were premature, and wanted to go back and 'do it right' however I realised that i was lucky to have children who survived, and began to enjoy them, as I am sure you will.

Yanbu. Personally I don't understand why women feel the need to essentially brag about bf or post pictures of them doing it. I didn't feel the need to share that I was ff my baby and post pictures. Nor did I feel the need to share I was bf with pictures when I fed that way. Either way I'm feeding my baby, it's what mums do

Call your DM our on it now, or she will be comparing the babies forever.

That's really shitty and insensitive of her so no , YANBU and as it's upset you so much I would let her know that so that she doesn't continue to make similar remarks. I didn't BF any of my 3 children (just didn't want to) and anyone who made a barbed comment about it just got ignored but that was my choice so it wasn't going to upset me. Please don't allow yourself to feel like you are doing any less for your baby..... you are able to give her what she needs which is your love and attention. Congratulations by the way!

Oh dear, OP, YANBU. Your mum just posted her comment without thinking of how you would feel when you read it. I don't think for a moment that it was deliberate, just careless.