This Facebook status has made me hate my mother in 3 seconds.

[Namechangingforever]

I'm BU, I'm not silly. And this post will probably sound OTT, but I need to rant and AIBU is a good place to rant ( I like to think I have a thick skin).

Bit of a backstory I have a gorgeous baby girl who I couldn't feed via breastfeeding, I also couldn't express enough milk for her while she was in NICU, so she had to have donated breast milk, it made me feel so fucking shit about myself, as I couldn't even give my baby what she needed.

Baby not long been home (4 weeks) my sis has just given birth (this morning) to the 2nd most gorgeous baby girl I'm really happy for her, I'm also really please breast feeding is going well (of course I'm jealous about it (not sure if that's the right word)) but I honestly am seriously happy for them! a gorgeous pic came up on Facebook with the caption "gorgeous girl having a feed via the boob" and a lovely pic, I liked it and commented as it was sweet. Along comes my mother with her fucking "how it should be" shit, it's really wound me up.

I have been crying for the last half an hour. I'm clearly over sensitive, but I just feel like my own mum thinks I'm a shit mum for not doing it "how I should".

I'm just so upset and then along comes my other sister who has liked my mum's comment. I bet they're having a right old gossip about how I'm not being a proper mum to my baby

I hoped the same as optiona - when it all goes to plan this is how it should be. But I would have reacted same as you - this is generous benefit of the doubt!

Btw my dd has a cousin a few hours younger than her, it's fantastic

Or could she have seen that thing on breakfast tv and been reacting to thag?

"Sorry but I believe you are (understandably) massively sensitive about this issue and neither you mum or DSis were thinking of offending you, in fact that post is not about you at all. please stop making it about you. It is about your DSis and her baby".

True, helpful, insightful, necessary or kind, Aurynne? Do you feel that comment has been even vaguely supportive? The OP's mum and sister aren't here you know.

Context is everything. There was no need for it and it was a massive failure of perspective taking ability on the part of the mother, that's about the size of it. It's her mother not her sister's husband, she remains her mother.

There are almost no mothers in this situation four weeks pp who wouldn't feel really truly awful about this comment. Not sure why so many people here have to minimise the OP's feelings or justify the shitty insensitive remark. It's what is happening right now for the OP. It is unlikely to stay like this forever, but it is as it is now and just being kind and listening and reassuring her that this is a normal reaction to this really hard, human situation she finds herself in would be more useful.

Anyone who is unable to engage their brain to that extent is either too stupid for me to want to be around them, or too unpleasant for me to want to be around them.

My baby was also in NICU - just for four days, but even that had an affect on breastfeeding. If I'd read that on FB at the time I'd have been in tears. Nowadays I'd just make a snarky remark - probably along the lines of 'well if you're lucky enough to be able to...'

Oh yes I so get this. Dd was born after 4 ivfs and 2 miscarriages, via c section.. my milk just never came in properly. I pumped and took domperidone and supplemented and drank fennel tea and and and we never managed exclusive breastfeeding. And my mum got pregnant at the drop of a hat, breastfed us all, yadda yadda yadda, was constantly humming around about how difficult it all seemed and how my sil had a much easier time etc. I didn't stab her but I wanted to. There are so many judgey people around and you are understandably sensitive due to lack of sleep, all this new love, hormones etc. Ignore and keep focussed on your baby and what she needs.

I had a similar experience birth wise to you OP and consequently DD was never BFed properly. I say properly because I tried pumping but never had the supply and in the end realised it made neither of us happy. DS for non NICU but similar reasons was bottle fed too. MIL often made odd little 'explainable' comments about other people feeding properly .

SIL got pregnant. Lots of talk about how she would be BFing. MIL was not happy when I said I really hope she manages it because it was clearly my laziness that caused DD's issues . DN is here and SIL has suffered similar issues to me. I may have slightly laughed in MILs face when she told me, whining about how she had managed it twice with no issues. I left her with a stern word about judging other people for not being able to do what she found easily, we all have our own struggles with things.

She's completely STFU about it now 6 years after dd was born

I think you are overreacting op. Your mother has put her foot in her mouth but it's pretty meaningless. She won't think you're a shit mum. It's you who feels crap about not being able to breastfeed. Don't put so much pressure upon yourself. There are so many small things throughout parenthood (healthy eating/weaning/first words/starting reading/behaviour) and it's best not to stress too much.

My tits are mere ornaments. I was pretty devastated and it still strikes a nerve with me, all the smug breadfeeding propaganda.

I was hugely upset by breastfeeding and everyone's irritating input. I just had no milk. I was in hospital for a week and all the midwives gave conflicting advice and I had strangers tweaking my already sore nipples! Worse, however, was people I knew who had no problem breastfeeding being insensitive and (I thought) implying that I was inferior to them. I totally get how you feel on this. Please be assured that your baby will be fine and roll on a few years and it won't matter a jot. I'd have a word with my mum about not mentioning bfeeding, yours or your sisters, at all.

I'm sure they aren't talking about you, it's not your fault you can't do it and it's not the end of the world either. I couldn't breast feed and it didn't harm my daughter, although it would have been nice.
I think your mum and sister are literally wrapped up in a Facebook moment

Another Nicu baby here and expressing in the Nicu alongside your sick tiny baby truly is one of the hardest things I've ever done, no wonder milk dries up due to stress. You are feeding (whichever way you are able to) your beautiful baby who has been through more than most adults already AND you are doing a fantastic job. Enjoy the cuddles, your mum has been very insensitive but you are not responsible for her reaction and really try hard not to make it your problem. Xx

"gorgeous girl having a feed via the boob"

Eww, what a vulgar turn of phrase. Boob is a nasty word anyway.

Are sure it wasn't the caption writer (DSis?) who was making a point? And your DM was half agreeing, half shushing her?

I think you're being a little oversensitive.

Why does it matter how your child is fed? it doesn't. Who cares? I have no idea why people bang on about being guilty when they can't breastfeed.

Your mother's comment is just a throwaway Facebook thing, just ignore it.

I totally get where you are coming from op. FWIW you sound very strong and balanced as what you have been through is just so hard, I actually can't imagine what it's like to have your baby in NICU but I was a breastfeeding failure so I get that part.

Being really generous to your mum after what happened to you she has probably been worried to death about your dsis and something going wrong. So dsis's baby born at the right time, feeding starts normally it's how 'it should be' breastfeeding aside. It being 'how it should be' was out of your control though.

If your mum is normally sensitive I think you need to sit and have a chat with her about how dsis's experience of full term pregnancy, taking baby home, normal feeding is reminding you on what you missed out on. Of course you wanted this for dsis because no one would wish their worst enemy's baby in NICU. But it's only a few weeks ago and it's still very raw, they need to take care of you in all this too.

Your sisters post is equally bad. Unfollow them both. Life will be better. Who posts about feeding with their boobs? Naff to the max. Pair of them are idiots. 💐

It was a very thoughtless comment, but it was just that, a Facebook comment. It wasn't directed at you and I sincerely doubt they're talking about your failings.

I know how horrible it is when you can't breastfeed. I always thought I would, and then I couldn't due to medication that was totally contraindicated. I was raw about it for years. But your mum was just stating a simple fact, not criticising you. Breastfeeding is meant to work, that is 'how it's supposed to be'. If it didn't the human race would have died out long ago. You were unlucky, but she wasn't criticising you with her comment to your sister, I'm almost sure of it. She was just thoughtless amidst her granny-bonanza of new babies. I hope you can forgive her and concentrate on enjoying your new family after a stressful start.

Welcome to the world of feeling judged as a parent (particularly by the grandparent generation). In my experience sometimes they are judging you and sometimes you are being over sensitive.

Despite initial success your sister still has a long road ahead of her to nail breastfeeding.

Try not to worry about what other people are doing or thinking. You are making decisions in the best interests of your baby and if anyone can't see that they know very little about motherhood (or have forgotten).

Congrats

Very vulnerable first weeks. Time for a lovely treat for you and your beautiful baby. Enjoy mulling over what that treat maybe.

I'd have been distraught at such a comment too op - DS1 flat-out refused me and I was told to give DS2 formula at 2 weeks despite him feeding ok from me, so both my babies were exclusively bf for less than 24h of their lives the failure still burns nearly 6 years on.

I don't know about you, but having all the well-meaning people (whom I assume managed to bf, at least to some degree) come in to tell me that I was taking it too personally and that it wasn't really about me - well, that made me feel worse, however kindly they meant it. It felt like I was being told, nicely, that my feelings were wrong and to stop feeling them.

So all I can offer here is and the assurance that one day she'll be eating roast dinners with a knife and fork and hassling you for pudding so this will pass.

Congratulations on your lovely girl

Take a photo of you feeding the baby with a bottle of gin, "That's just how we roll"...

And op no child ever gives s shiny shite if they were breadt fed or bottle fed. None. They know their mum made the best choice for them.

In the 60s my mum told me proudly she could breadth feed me and have a fag at the same time

You shouldn't have to feel guilty about not breastfeeding, but it's understandable why you do, as demonstrated by the tactless poster further up.

How it should be is that babies are adequately fed in whichever way works for your family. You did that. Congratulations on your baby and well done on meeting her needs! Your mum is thoughtless at best, and wrong.