This Facebook status has made me hate my mother in 3 seconds.

[Namechangingforever]

I'm BU, I'm not silly. And this post will probably sound OTT, but I need to rant and AIBU is a good place to rant ( I like to think I have a thick skin).

Bit of a backstory I have a gorgeous baby girl who I couldn't feed via breastfeeding, I also couldn't express enough milk for her while she was in NICU, so she had to have donated breast milk, it made me feel so fucking shit about myself, as I couldn't even give my baby what she needed.

Baby not long been home (4 weeks) my sis has just given birth (this morning) to the 2nd most gorgeous baby girl I'm really happy for her, I'm also really please breast feeding is going well (of course I'm jealous about it (not sure if that's the right word)) but I honestly am seriously happy for them! a gorgeous pic came up on Facebook with the caption "gorgeous girl having a feed via the boob" and a lovely pic, I liked it and commented as it was sweet. Along comes my mother with her fucking "how it should be" shit, it's really wound me up.

I have been crying for the last half an hour. I'm clearly over sensitive, but I just feel like my own mum thinks I'm a shit mum for not doing it "how I should".

I'm just so upset and then along comes my other sister who has liked my mum's comment. I bet they're having a right old gossip about how I'm not being a proper mum to my baby

Oh bless you OP, you and your little one have had such a hard run and it's not surprising you feel vulnerable right now

It was a spectacularly insensitive thing for your Mum to say. Do you have the kind of relationship with her where you could explain how you're feeling and why that upset you, so it doesn't fester?

I know so many people who felt they'd failed by not being able to breastfeed, and I know nothing anyone says can really help - but the feelings will fade with time, and being a good mum is about loving and nurturing your child, not about the type of milk you got into them.

I bottle fed both my children. I didn't even attempt breast feeding. I am no less of a mother for bottle feeding and neither are you. Your mother is ridiculous. Don't let her comment upset you.

so....put another post there saying " a baby needs milk however they can get it, via boob, donated milk or bottle. Some mothers suffer issues when they have their babies and cant give them milk, perhaps mothers and siblings should be sensitive if this has happened to someone close to them, this is how it should be in a loving caring family"

No, please don't reply with this! Just say nothing and get on with enjoying your baby. My mum and mother in law have made a few comments in the past about me not 'trying hard enough' with breastfeeding. My sister is now pregnant and i know she is going to be a breastfeeding martyr and there will be comparisons. Luckily i now have a 2 year old and 5 year old who are both fabulous enough for me not to give a shit.

But if my sister and I had had babies at a similar time I think it would have upset me. It may be that your mum didn't mean it in the way you have interpreted, but if she says anything else try to just let it slide and just be confident in the fact that you are raising a gorgeous baby the best way you can.

As an aside, I'm kind of more about your sisters caption - 'via the boob'? Urgh!

Oh dear, I think your mum was rather thoughtless. However, try not to take it personally - I am quite certain it wasn't meant as any kind of criticism of you. I expect your mum just meant she's happy for your sister that she hasn't been unlucky and everything has gone relatively smoothly so far (still plenty of time for everything to go bottoms up!!), which is how most people think it's supposed to be until shit happens. Breastfeeding is nothing to do with skill or a superior breast... in a perfect world, all women would pop perfect babies out exactly on their due date and their entire lives would go smoothly. In the real world, bad luck can happen to anyone.

I wish they sold ear phones that blocked the word 'should' from the ears of any new mum! When mine were little many people, family, health professionals, strangers, all seemed to be queuing up to share their well-meaning opinions and it took me ages to stopped giving them headspace. My mum was one of the worst for saying thoughtless and generally unjustified things. She still does but the rawness has worn off.

Good luck. You sound like an amazing mum. Try not to compare your own parenting journey with anyone elses cos they really are all different.

There was no need for her to comment at all, was there?

I think that it's really thoughtless.

When someone is praised for something that you didn't/couldn't do, it's hard not to take it as a slight, isn't it?

YANBU at. Is your mother always so rude??

You are not a bad mum, I had my dd 6 1/2 weeks early and tried to feed her but couldn't, I felt so bad for not giving her what she needed as she was so small, on the bright side I fed my ds for 2 years and all was fine, don't beat yourself up, they will grow up strong no matter what and don't listen to other people, your doing your best X

(((hugs)))

Rant away, so much better than letting it fester.

I wonder if perhaps her comment was prompted by relief that your sister had an easier start than you, rather than having a dig at you? It's a thoughtless comment regardless, she should have realised how it could sound, but it's possible that it comes from a good place.

I'm not defending your mother - how very insensitive. But I can only imagine that two daughters giving birth (for the first time?) in the space of 4 weeks is a bit full-on for her. She's probably overrun with emotion.

Please don't worry about it and step away from FB.

YANBU in the slightest! Your mother should be ashamed of herself for saying something so horrifically insensitive!!!

Yanbu. I wouldn't comment on the post as it isn't your sister's fault, but I would have to tell her.

Do we have the same mother? After having a second emergency c-section which she knew I was upset about (and not bothering to visit the whole week we were in hospital) she comes out with "such a shame you will never get to experience the wonder of natural childbirth" um...yeah thanks for that mum

I don't think too much of the OP's sister posting this picture either. I hate FB in any case but this is particularly voyeuristic and she might have considered how her sister would feel about it.

I think your mother's comment is really hurtful and inconsiderate. I also think you should tell her that. It is utter hell having a NICU baby and struggling with bf'ing and all the associated pumping and shit which makes you feel like some useless dairy cow. My sister had her baby a month after I had mine. Mine was a hideous birth involving NICU, SCBU and a massive battle to bf. Sister squeezed hers out in a sneeze and bf happily from the off. I'd have been beside myself if my mum had done similar. Whether she did it maliciously or just thoughtlessly she needs to know that she has hurt your feelings and why. If you don't call her on it she'll just get worse. Comparisons between the two babies will last FOREVER. I hate it. My sister and I aren't particularly close so there's none of this "oh the cousins will be such wonderful friends" guff that a lot of people bang on about.

YANBU. It was thoughtless at best, unkind at worst.

I do like the phrase "there are more ways to nuture a baby and feeding is just one of them" (or something like that!).

I wouldnt get in to it with your mum today (she'll be hyper about having another granddaughter) but I'd have a word tomorrow and explain exactly what you've said here.

Yep I agree. Your mother is beyond insensitive to say that. I also had a NICU baby - and it is lifechangingly hard. There is no 'should'. Your baby is alive and loved. That is ALL that matters. Your mother needs to grow the hell up. What actual planet is she on?

Does your Mum sometimes say things to give sly digs? Criticise?
If she doesn't then she probably just didn't think about what she was saying.

Older people forget very quickly what it was like to go through childbirth and have a newborn / bring up children. My MIL is constantly making comments about how things should be done, usually in disapproving tones. She has a clear view of what's 'right' and 'wrong'. What they are forgetting is that there is no right way, just lots of different ways, and it's up to the mother to decide what's best. Sometimes you have little choice and just need to go with what works. They remember themselves being perfect mothers, but they were not. Everyone just muddles along.

You can't really post a comment on the thread as it would seem negative on a celebratory post / at a happy time. But I would say something, in a slight jokey way next time I saw her. Something like: "What a lovely picture she posted of X on Facebook. And thanks very much about the breatfeeding comment BTW! You know I couldn't do that. Some mothers just don't have that choice".

.....cont. On second thoughts, if saying that would come across as being confrontational, you could try crying about how you feel about not being able to breastfeed to your Mum. Then say teary eyed: 'And when you wrote x. It made me so sad and I thought about how difficult it was for me to breastfeed, but I had no choice. I feel terrible about it, but what could I do'.

You will then get some support, and it will make her more mindful about making those kind of comments in the future.

midget is your mum my mil? I got comments like that from her which was worse because she had her kids via c sec too. 'Aren't you sad you've never given birth'? No mil, after 32.5hrs of unproductive labour I'm pretty sure I did give birth - all I've not had is a baby's head in my vagina. Having said that my own DM is one of the c sections are the easy way out brigade though has the decency to not mention it after her gd ended up in nicu following the easy option.

Namechange I haven't read all the thread but firstly Congratulations on your new baby!

I have a 3 week old and a 17 month old. I tried to feed my 17 month old and we just never got the hang of it. I felt completely overwhelmed when I became a mum for the first time and found recovering from the birth (I had an episiotomy) combined with the immediate sleepless nights hard enough without the struggles of breastfeeding on top so I switched to formula. I beat myself up over it for the first year until eventually I realised it's just one phase of motherhood, there are many many more! I now have a beautiful, very healthy, robust and very bright little 17 month old, formula hasn't harmed her in any way.

I made the decision to formula feed my new baby largely based on how healthy my 17 month old is so I know formula isn't devils juice.

At this moment in time whether or not you breastfeed can seem like the most important thing in the world, but it isn't, what is important is that your baby is fed, your baby is healthy and you feel healthy and well!

Unfortunately motherhood seems to open the doors for people to pass comments and judgement unlike any other time or situation in life.

Enjoy your baby and ignore other people.

Please Namechangingforever switch off Facebook and enjoy your baby

Best advice ever.

That was really tactless of your mum. Unless she is a psychopath, I doubt she was thinking about hurting your feelings. She just wasn't thinking. But you can't make her think more about stuff if she's just not a thoughtful person. All you can do is get off Facebook.

And let go of all the stuff about whether you were or weren't good enough at breastfeeding. That's all bullshit and you need to let that go somehow. I know it's all very heightened at the beginning - I struggled myself and surprised myself with my emotion over it. But DD is 10 (today!) and now it means less than nothing. So let go of it if you can and focus on the here and now, with your lovely baby. Good idea about getting a hospital debrief if it would help you.

Magi I've also had it said to me c sections are the easy option. I had a natural delivery with my first baby, c section needed with my second, I would take a natural over a section any day, section is way more painful!

Obviously BF is natural, but I think saying the baby is "supposed" to feed this way isn't quite the same thing. There have been women with BF difficulties for generations, who'd have used a wet nurse, cow's milk, or sadly the baby wouldn't have survived. Surely parents are "supposed" to do what works best for them and their baby, so you are already doing exactly what you are "supposed to"