This Facebook status has made me hate my mother in 3 seconds.

[Namechangingforever]

I'm BU, I'm not silly. And this post will probably sound OTT, but I need to rant and AIBU is a good place to rant ( I like to think I have a thick skin).

Bit of a backstory I have a gorgeous baby girl who I couldn't feed via breastfeeding, I also couldn't express enough milk for her while she was in NICU, so she had to have donated breast milk, it made me feel so fucking shit about myself, as I couldn't even give my baby what she needed.

Baby not long been home (4 weeks) my sis has just given birth (this morning) to the 2nd most gorgeous baby girl I'm really happy for her, I'm also really please breast feeding is going well (of course I'm jealous about it (not sure if that's the right word)) but I honestly am seriously happy for them! a gorgeous pic came up on Facebook with the caption "gorgeous girl having a feed via the boob" and a lovely pic, I liked it and commented as it was sweet. Along comes my mother with her fucking "how it should be" shit, it's really wound me up.

I have been crying for the last half an hour. I'm clearly over sensitive, but I just feel like my own mum thinks I'm a shit mum for not doing it "how I should".

I'm just so upset and then along comes my other sister who has liked my mum's comment. I bet they're having a right old gossip about how I'm not being a proper mum to my baby

You aren't being over sensitive at all. Fucking awful and insensitive thing to say.

If you think she didn't mean to hurt you I'd pull her up on it and if you think she did I'd drop contact with her to be honest.

You know your mum best, but do you really think they're all talking about you?

Could it just be more along the lines of "I'm so happy to see this going so well for you"?

I know a bit how you feel. DD never really took to breast feeding. I managed to exp. breast milk for a month, but after 2 lots of mastitis I was on strong anti-B's and she couldn't have my milk anyway, I had to throw it away. Iused to joke that she had "Made in Taiwan" stamped on her butt as every step of the way she was "human made" rather than "naturally". (IVF, difficult pregnancy, EmCS, no breast feeding).I made a joke of it but really I was so upset that my body was so crap at producing a child.

DD is now 13, and I barely remember this stuff unless a thread like this comes up. (btw it was a thread like this that stopped me feeling guilty about the CS).

If it's likely to just be post- baby hormones, take a deep breath, remember that it doesn't matter about other people, you still get to hold your baby, and maybe find some support for people who've gone through similar experiences.

If your mum and sisters really are likely to be laughing at you, then you get to choose how much time you spend around them, and how much time you spend getting in your baby cuddles.

Well, aren't you helpful aurynne?

You are NOT a bad mum. Your baby is being fed, and loves you and you love her. Thank the Lord (or non-theist equivalent) that science and our society have evolved to the point that a baby who can't establish breastfeeding, for whatever reason, no longer therefore fails to thrive as they would have not so long ago. Equally thank the Lord (or non-theist equivalent) that our society has evolved to the point that a mum can talk/publish on social media publicly about feeding her baby from her boobs without being shamed due to prurient feelings about breasts as sexual organs.

Your mum was insensitive but was probably just thinking that it was important to validate and support your DSis who might otherwise have felt - if your mum had stayed silent - worried about whether mum might be part of the "cover yourself up woman no one wants to see that" brigade.

It's most likely that your fear that they are gossiping about you is irrational persecution anxiety due to low self esteem and lack of sleep, and no such thoughts are actually crossing their minds. In the less likely scenario that your fears are well-founded it would mean that sadly your relatives are unpleasant people, so don't worry for a moment what they think and reach out to find the support you need from nicer relatives and non-relatives instead.

Please Namechangingforever switch off Facebook and enjoy your baby. You;ve had a very busy and tough time if she was in the special care baby unit (?) for any time and you are doing a fabulous job. Your sister is breast feeding her baby, but really that is not any reflection on you. Your mum may be being insensitive or she may simply be commenting on your sister's post.

DO NOT allow these thoughts to spoil this special time or your relationship with mum, sis or niece/nephew.

If these feelings persist, please see your GP and explore if you may have a touch of baby blues.

Nothing in this world can change the arrival dates of your babies and the fact your child has a cousin so close in age may one day be a delight. Do not engage in any one-up on anything like who walks or talks first, don't let it be part of your thoughts. The babies are different, but will be loved equally by their mums and if your own mum is in any way diffiuclt about stuff in the future just explain how you feel. But for now, just switch off Facebook.

Just for comparison my baby was born by C-section. Many told me before hand how wonderful it was to give birth vaginally and without drugs. I could not, had I attempted to do so and not accepted the C section it is likely neither I nor my daughter (now 11) would be here! I've never ever allowed myself to feel sad that she did not come out the usual route, she came out the best and only route for her, and your baby will be fed the best and only way for them. Love and enjoy your baby. Do not compare and contrast.

Sorry your mum is thoughtless to post like that. It is understandable that you are upset but please don't worry about them or what they might be thinking, enjoy your daughter. Remember you are tired having given birth and having a very young baby and just focus on what's best for the 2 of you. Congratulations.

YANBU to be so hurt, it was incredibly thoughtless and insensitive of your mother to post that.

Do let her know that you found it hurtful though - I doubt she meant it to be so and she should be given the chance to apologise.

I had a tough time with not being able to breastfeed after we were both quite ill at first. A comment like this from my mum would have made me cry my eyes out even if I knew she didn't actually mean to hurt me.

It took a few months to realise but you know what, there are 100 ways to be a good mum over the next few decades and just one of them is breastfeeding. I'm happily failing at any number of them (no junk food, no screen time, never shout, never snap, sleep in own bed, no toy weapons, consistent messages...) so maybe just got in some early practice in accepting that parenthood is all about great ideas. And then real life happens and you'll skip the principles for a bit more sleep and a quiet few minutes :)

Hmmm. This would have upset me and who cares if YABU or not - who is with a 4 week old? I certainly wasn't.

I think your sister putting up the initial post was insensitive as well, given the trouble you've had. That would have upset me just as much as the comment from the Mum. So, it makes me wonder whether this has tapped into other "mother" issues but no sister issues if that makes sense?

Breastfeeding is tough and not in the least bit fun.... go easy on yourself!

You are not a bad mum, but I well remember how awful anything feeding related was at the beginning. Seriously, if you've just had the perfect latching baby and someone close to you has spent days in hospital ffing a non latching baby, despite loads of support, a 'why you should breastfeed and it's the easiest thing in the world' book, several hundred pages long, is a truly crap present. I also block most of what my mum says on fb as she unintentionally hurts me regularly with her drivel.

One day it will hurt less, but it's probably not worth mentioning to your mum unless you can do it without crying. Having cousins so close together can be challenging in terms of comparisons but you are doing the best thing for you and your baby, and that is always the most important thing.

YANBU. At best it was incredibly insensitive and thoughtless and at worst downright nasty (though my money's on the former). It would have upset me too at that stage after giving birth. Please don't feel you have failed your baby or as a mum simply because bf didn't work out. It sounds like you had a horrendously stressful time post-delivery which was always going to make bf more tricky.

If you normally have a good relationship with your mum, I would speak to her about it. Explain how hurtful you found her comment and tell her that you don't want the next x number of years having your DD and DNiece compared. My DN is 3 months older than my DC1 and was a much more chilled out "easy" baby. We always felt (possibly oversensitively, possibly not) that my PIL seemed to favour DN and were always harping on about what she was doing already rather than just enjoying our DC in their own right. DH particularly has never quite forgotten that, so I would try to nip it in the bud right now!

Congratulations on your baby girl

I was very upset, guilt ridden, ashamed and very sensitivity be about it, when I started formula feeding DS when he was a week old. A few weeks later a lady who is an NCT antenatal teacher said to me

"There are many ways to nurture a baby. How you feed them is just one of them".

Those words really helped. In a few months time your baby will be starting solids, and in a year or so will get most of their calories this way.

As it happened, I ff DD (5 next week) after 3 weeks too. She and DS (8) are both strong, healthy and bright. You couldn't tell the BF babies from the ff babies in tgrie classes .

YANBU at all. My eldest DS wouldn't/couldn't latch on and I couldn't express enough, despite desperately trying in hysterics. The midwife wrote that the reason I formula fed was rejection, that he'd rejected me. That stayed with me for a long, long time. People say stupid things without even thinking and it's so hurtful. You are a proper mum, and however you feed your baby girl, she's lucky to have you as her Mum.

YANBU, OP. Your mum's post, apart from being cringeworthy and embarrassing was extremely insensitive. Agree with Sierra's comments on how to approach it.

Bless you that was very insensitive of your mum given your situation. I know how you feel. But I promise you it does get better. As soon as weaning begins and baby gets busier it will get easier and time is a great healer for disappointment. Congratulations on your little girl and becoming an auntie!

This is the sort of thing my mum might do, but she would genuinely not realise or even think about the connection, even though its staring her in the face!!!

I would tell her how you felt when there's a suitable moment. Just say that it's great that your DSis is doing really well at bf but you saw her comment and wondered if she thought less of you because of the problems you had bf yours? I'm sure she will rush to reassure you and will feel silly that she didn't think of it before.

BTW please don't get hung up on bf. It's great if it works but all that matters is that the baby gets the right sort of food no matter what the source is (bf, donated bm, bottle...) all that counts is that the baby is taking in nutrient suitable for a baby and is thriving. You should not be feeling "fucking shit" about yourself that you couldn't express bm when you baby was in NICU, the main thing is that your baby survived and thrived however that comes about

You mum may have meant, mother and baby together "as it should be" it's probably nothing to do with feeding. X

I'm guessing your mum didn't engage her brain, and it wasn't meant to upset you.

YANBU you have a new baby be kind to yourself.

Your mum may also feel in a odd position ensuring she treats you both the same, all births are percieved in different ways by different people.

congratulations on your DD

I spent two weeks trying to BF my first child without much success.Baby would not latch on and cracked nipples made it agony. The health visitor arrived to find me in tears knelt on the floor. She told DH to rush out and buy all the stuff for FF and that I was to give the baby a bottle and never get myself in such a state again. The baby just needed me to love and care for him . It did not matter how he was fed. He grew up to be a gorgeous, healthy, successful man. I think your mum just did not think about her comments. Probably just excited at getting two beautiful GDC in a few weeks!

YANBU, that was insensitive of her to post especially knowing what you've been through.

I had the same problem with breastfeeding as my newborn was in NICU. She is 10 now but I still remember just how shitty that feeling is

When my SIL had her DS many moons ago and had trouble bf, my MIL piped up with the quip - oh well that's why you have two (boobs) ...giggle giggle'
Ffs

Congratulations on your new baby and your new niece. So lovely for you to have them close in age.

What a witch! What difference does it make? Absolutely none!

Your mum has been insensitive but I'd guess she's not having a dig at you unless she is normally unpleasant (which you say not). She should have thought before she's posted that and YANBU to be upset, I probably would be too.

Nevertheless, chin up. How you feed your baby is NOT an indication of how well you parent - I only really properly understood this after having one FF baby and one BF baby who are now 15 months and almost 4 - good parenting is a whole array of different things and how they were milk fed has had no bearing. You are doing great because you love her and you are feeding her.

Maybe she meant it as an expression of sympathy for you, as in "what a pity you were denied that, through no fault of your own, due to the NICU situation". I might be grasping there.

I've done the expressing in NICU too btw, and it is horrendous. From what I saw, it was pretty rare for people to keep up with it long term, despite the constant pressure from the nurses to do so. I was very lucky that my milk came in quite quickly and I was able to switch to breastfeeding after a week, but there were only a small handful of other mums using the expressing room and most of them were struggling. It's great that donor milk was available and with that and the milk you did produce, your baby will have had a fantastic start. You have nothing to feel bad about.

aurynne are you for real?
OP is a new mother, she just wanted to rant and she admitted as much.

I don't think you are 'sorry' at all
Move on.