This Facebook status has made me hate my mother in 3 seconds.

[Namechangingforever]

I'm BU, I'm not silly. And this post will probably sound OTT, but I need to rant and AIBU is a good place to rant ( I like to think I have a thick skin).

Bit of a backstory I have a gorgeous baby girl who I couldn't feed via breastfeeding, I also couldn't express enough milk for her while she was in NICU, so she had to have donated breast milk, it made me feel so fucking shit about myself, as I couldn't even give my baby what she needed.

Baby not long been home (4 weeks) my sis has just given birth (this morning) to the 2nd most gorgeous baby girl I'm really happy for her, I'm also really please breast feeding is going well (of course I'm jealous about it (not sure if that's the right word)) but I honestly am seriously happy for them! a gorgeous pic came up on Facebook with the caption "gorgeous girl having a feed via the boob" and a lovely pic, I liked it and commented as it was sweet. Along comes my mother with her fucking "how it should be" shit, it's really wound me up.

I have been crying for the last half an hour. I'm clearly over sensitive, but I just feel like my own mum thinks I'm a shit mum for not doing it "how I should".

I'm just so upset and then along comes my other sister who has liked my mum's comment. I bet they're having a right old gossip about how I'm not being a proper mum to my baby

There are two separate issues here, your own feelings about not being able to BF and your DM and DS insentitive comments and fb 'likes'. The former, you can't do much about, except to accept that it will ease over time and by the time your bright, bubbly 3 year old is running round the park you won't much care about it. The latter, you can challenge. I would call my DM and be very honest that her comment about what is 'supposed to be' upset you as you are so fresh from not being able to BF. It was very insensitive IMO and even though she didn't mean to upset you, she has. Also, if I was your DS I wouldn't count my chickens yet on the breastfeeding. I bfd all 3 of mine and the first week was always plain sailing, followed by 2 weeks of hellish over production and mastitis. Different for everyone but just saying, it might not last.....

Maybe you're reading more into it than what was meant?

Maybe it meant 'that's a textbook situation' or 'by the book' or 'you are one of the few that has experienced that standard set of circumstances usually reserved for teaching manuals' or similar. If it makes you feel better, try to think she's just tactless and maybe pick her up on it if there's a second occurrence, rather than going for her over this one.

My own circumstances were a lot more traumatic than yours, but it was over two decades ago so no FB to take into account. You often experience what you focus on, so concentrate on what you need to be proud of yourself for being the best Mum your dd has, rather than looking for unpleasant stuff from throwaway thoughtless comments.

Oh dear, that's the last thing you needed to hear and YANBU to be upset. Looking at it charitably, if she's not normally unkind, maybe she meant that she wishes you could have had that experience too and feels sad that things were difficult for you rather than judging you. Still it was an insensitive thing to say, maybe have a quiet word in person about how it made you feel. Things will get better and one day when the children can play together it will be positive that they are close in age.

I'm reading backwards through the replies so only read 2, will read the rest in a sec, but blankmind your situation was more dramatic? Is it seriously competition? Not that you have any idea what else happened.

Sorry that sounded really shitty of me you were just being nice, like pretty much most of you are. Thank you all so much!

Hiya. I just had to comment on this bit: "I couldn't even give my baby what she needed". But you did! She needed milk and you gave her milk. She doesn't care where it came from, all she cares about is that she has someone to love her and care for her, which she clearly does!

Fusspilz is EXACTLY right - you did everything you could. You love your gorgeous baby and cherish her, and THAT"S what's important - not some biological lottery win.

Love your baby, enjoy every moment with her - but let your DN know how painful her comment was.

Unless your mom has form for this, i don't think this was a dig at you.
I read it and did not think this at all, just a nice comment to her other daughter and granddaughter.
Do you really think they would be sitting there laughing at you?
I certain don't think blank was making any sort of competition

I had similar issues with Brest feeding after a very long labour and C section my milk didn't come in fast enough and DD got really frustrated and refused to breastfeed. I had numerous lactation specialists helping. I expressed for a long while then had to switch to formula. I was really upset it didn't work out and was really down about it for a long time so I can imagine how deeply your mums words have hurt you.
you should have a chat with her and state how t his has made you feel xx

Namechanger your very sharp comment to blankmind (although you did apologise immediately) suggests to me that you are being over-sensitive. Of course life is not a competition but some people do genuinely have worse experiences than not being able to breastfeed. It is a shame but you can move on from this.

Unless I have missed something, (correct me of I am wrong, please) your mum did not say this to you, she posted a comment on social media to your sister. That is not the same thing as saying something to your face, not even the same as saying it to you via social media.

I think, in the nicest way possible, you must nip in the bud any feedings of unhappiness related to your baby and breast feeding experiences. This is something you can change and control. It is within your power, you just need to figure out how to do it.

If your mum has form for negative comments then of course you can challenge her about it (in person, not on social media because there is a massive opportunity for misunderstanding on social media).

To expect the OP's sister not to post a breastfeeding photo is wrong, in my mind. During our years of fertility issues I felt very jealous of all who had babies but if my sister has had a baby at that time I am sure her Facebook page would have been full of baby, and it may have felt painful, but I wouldn't have expected her not to.

Please enjoy your baby and do not dwell on this anymore. Being a parent is a wonderful privilege and they grow up so fast.

OP, thats a really insensitive comment. People have used wet nurses for thousands of years because not every one can breast feed.
Breastfeeding is natural. So is not being able to.

jelli whether wet nursing existed or not doesn't mean those of us incapable felt immense pressure and devastating loss at not being able to ourselves.

How crass and un thoughtful of your mother

Personally I think she needs pulling up on that right now

Your doing a fab job op

Oh you poor love. If your mum usually makes insensitive remarks like this - either meaning to or just not thinking then it's par for course and you can't take it to heart. It's just your mother and you have to rise above.

If she doesn't then you know what she was just not thinking and was delighted for your sister. She might be really proud of you for getting through what must have been some kind of trauma at birth if your baby was in hospital.

Remember you're very tired, very emotional, very hormonal. It's easy to get upset and sensitive in this position - I remember a month after birth I burst into tears because I couldn't find a clean fork. I just mean it's hard to have gone through andwhat you have but your mum may have just meant to be nice to your sister not have a dig.

Im worried too that you feel guilty in which case stop right now. You are caring for your baby. You're doing good job. No one tells us this as new mums and it's hard to look around and see others making it look easy - and often it is onky looks not reality. I had problems feeding child 1 and felt terribly guilty and sensitive. Don't let other pressure - family or HV or society get to you.
That's why MN so good. You can come here and get support you need ( from majority anyway!) and have good rant/cry or celebrate the good stuff.

flyingbellycopters excellent post.

Think they were silly comments of them both to make.
It makes no difference at the end of the day. I fed my child until she was nearly three not through choice she just would not give it up. She grew up always with colds and alwAys being ill.

My son I bf for a few months as I didn't want him to feed as long as my daughter he's really fit and healthy touch wood and never missed a day of school. All these babies grow up the same.
However you have been through a lot let it go over your head it's not a competition.

Flying belly copters yours was such a good post that's what I was trying to say in the last paragraph.

Vow what an uncaring thing to say!
Having had two preemie babies myself (both around 33weeks) what I do know is that mothers who have had full term babies do not appreciate the trauma and subsequent challenges. Some of them try but unless they've gone through they can't really.
Btw breastfeeding is incredibly hard to establish with prem babies - they don't yet have the right instinct. With my first I never really got to the stage where we were born happy just breastfeeding.
Sending you a big hug xx

Mothers are human and can say things without thinking - I had terrible births, all assisted and then c-sections. After I has ds2 )section under a general anaesthetic and he'd gone to ICU straight away, didn't see him) my sister had another baby: short and straightforward labour home with baby quickly. My mother to,d me about this wonderful ideal birth and closed it with "at least she did it all herself".

Words hurt, but you still have your daughter to whom you are her world no matter how you feed her.

Oh missed the last page!! ^Flyingbellycopters last paragraph 👍🏻

I actually think your DSis is the more insensitive one. Why did she have to write 'feeding from the boob'? Does anyone genuinely care how someone else's baby is fed? She knew about your issues but her need to recieve congratulations for something that millions around the world do everyday without the need for a round of applause meant more than your feelings. Your mum was also being thoughtless but your Dsis was worse.

I used to see some of those type of posts on Facebook and used to think 'and?' Happy to look at a cute baby but don't care about what you're feeding it. It's about as interesting to me as a post about what brand of nappies you're using. Most people on my Facebook don't seem to mention the feeding thing anymore which is good.

IGNORE them! You are not a shit mum! My first was preterm and would latch on but didn't have the strength to suck.

My second latched straight on and I couldn't get her off for the first eight months. She wouldn't drink out anything else at all. Nightmare.

Third latched on and would happily go between a bottle and breastfeeding.

Every Child is a different experience it doesn't make you shit at all.

your DS was being incredibly unreasonable with her "feeding via the boob" pic. It was probably obvious to all that that was what the baby was doing.

YANBU to feel this way OP. I am sure it was not meant to be aimed at you. Is it possible that your DM posted that in order to "defend" your DSis' choice of BF? I know that i had a few family members who discusted by the whole BF thing and my DM (who is very pro FF actually) might have commented along those lines as a two fingered salute to them.

Congrats OP on youur baby and your new niece

Not read whole thread but wanted to say YANBU and I think your mother, whilst probably/hopefully not meaning any harm, has been incredibly insensitive! I had real trouble breastfeeding my one, tongue tie, not enough milk etc and it was the hardest time of my life. It's not your fault. Please don't feel like a shit mother. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor at 4 am crying because I couldn't do what I was 'supposed to' for my child. I'm totally a supporter of bfing but I hate the pressure mums are under and the guilt if it doesn't go to plan is awful. I also think if a woman just doesn't want to breastfeed then that should be respected too! It's not your fairy and you're doing a great job

Haven't read the full thread but is it possible she meant

"Nice and easy! That's how its supposed to be!"

Meaning "not like how hard and shit and awful it was for my poor other DD"

Nevertheless you'd think she'd spend 30 seconds checking that it couldn't be misconstrued.

Although . . . she may think you know she loves you and you wouldn't ever put a negative interpretation on her comments because you would know she wouldn't ever mean anything nasty by them.

But . . . tell your Mum how you feel "you know how heartbroken I feel about not being able to BF. Did you have to put that comment on? How did you think it would make me feel? Why couldn't you have just said that privately?"