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Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 13/10/2016 14:24

We agreed before we were married that either both of us would change our names or neither of us would. Neither of us felt strongly enough about it to change our names; we agreed pre-marriage that the kids would be double-barrelled.

Tbh if that hadn't been his position I wouldn't have married him; having a problem with a woman keeping her names speaks to me of deeper underlying attitudes that I wouldn't want to be dealing with after marriage and children were added to the equation.

HeCantBeSerious · 13/10/2016 14:24

I've just received a birthday card from a member of my family. Addressed to Mrs Hisname. Inside is a cheque addressed to Ms Myname. So they know finally after 12 years that I've kept my name so why address it to someone that doesn't exist?

Skyblue79 · 13/10/2016 14:28

OP - I changed my name to DH's and, strange as it may sound on here, we never even discussed it. He would have taken it as an insult I think, if I didn't want his name. He's fairly traditional in that he sees his role as "financial provider" etc and I've been a SAHM for 12 years (always joint bank account, access to money, etc of course).
BUT.....
A DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTER!!!
Pro-Brexit alone would have put me off.
Are you sure you can proceed on this basis? Is he actually joking about Trump to wind you up?
Do not minimise this! Be serious. It is a sign of what lies ahead.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 13/10/2016 14:41

My husband wasn't keen.

I did tell him before we wed that I wouldn't be changing it, but at first he treated it like a ditzy secretarial oversight on my part that it wasn't changed straight after our wedding. As the months went on he started to treat it more as a temporary hissy fit; some silly little notion I had in my head, but that I'd get over. After that he "put his foot down" ...which wasn't as effective as it sounds... and then he just started carrying on as if I had changed it; signing me up for things using his surname, Tesco Clubcards and the like, introducing us as Mr. and Mrs. HisSurname etc.

Then I divorced him. And that was that.

FourForYouGlenCoco · 13/10/2016 14:48

hockey excellent story GrinGrinGrin

Radiatorvalves · 13/10/2016 14:59

I have been married 15 years to a traditional sort of man. Definitely a Tory (but not a Brexiteer), ex Forces, a democrat who wouldn't give Trump the time of day, not a HC fan, but would vote for her if he was American. I'm liberal

As for names, I can't remember it being discussed. I've kept my name, he has his. The kids have his. I get Xmas cards to Mr and Mrs His name, but it doesn't bother me. Occasionally he gets invited to things as Mr Myname, but it isn't an issue.

On the basis of what you've told us OP, I don't think you're cut out for each other.

misskatamari · 13/10/2016 15:03

Dh took my name when we got married. He's far from "pussywhipped" (urgh what a horrible expression). We both preferred my surname and I used mine a lot more at the time due to my profession. I'd have been really pissed off if he had expected me to take his name because "that's how it's always been".

JellyBelli · 13/10/2016 15:03

OP, if you cant even discuss the possibility without him getting into a massive strop and sulking, then that is the future. He has made it clear he expects a 'traditional' marriage, and you know what that actually means.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 13/10/2016 15:04

I'm not sure we ever even discussed my name. As far as I see it, there's no reason for it to be a discussion as its my name, so nothing to do with him.

If he had have had a hissy fit about it I can't imagine it would have changed my feelings on my name, but it certainly would have changed my feelings about him.

Our DD has my name as a middle name and his surname. In all honesty I would have preferred her to have my surname, but it seemed fair for both of names to be in there and they don't double-barrel well so it was just the compromise we reached.

minipie · 13/10/2016 15:13

OP he is telling you in so many ways that at heart he is a sexist dinosaur.

Expects you to change your name
Uses the term "pussy whipped"
Uses the term "pussy whipped", not about a man who does everything his wife says, but about a man who thinks his wife is entitled to make her own decision about her own name
Hates Hillary
Would vote for Trump (despite his disgusting statements about women)
Thinks "that's how it's always been done" is a good argument

Now, there are many women married to sexists, some of them may well be happy if their views tally up. Doesn't sound like you're one of them.

And please bear in mind that any tiny tiny degree of sexism tends to be amplified x1000 once children come along.

At that point you may well find that - although he's happy for you to work in theory - he also expects you to do all child related duties, because he can't possibly be expected to compromise his job by getting up in the night or having to get out for nursery pick up, and because "women are just naturally better at those things" and because his friends don't do any of that because their wives do it all.

I'm not saying don't marry him yes I am but do at least have lengthy and far ranging conversations with him about the future. What will happen when you have children? Will he get up in the night? Will he be willing to do 50% of the drop offs and pick ups? Will he take time off when they are sick 50% of the time? What about if you get a job that requires long hours, or relocation - will he pick up the domestic burden/consider moving? What gender children does he want, and would he be happy if his little boy liked princesses and wore pink and his little girl liked Ninja Turtles and wore camo print? His answers will tell you a lot.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 13/10/2016 15:27

Sorry, not read the thread Blush.

We've been married for twenty years and it's never been an issue. My DH has always been happy to answer to my surname when asked, and me likewise.

My DH is happy enough in himself to not feel it an insult to his masculinity. He's a very successful geek man.

I think the phrase "pussy-whipped Guardian reader" is really vile.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 13/10/2016 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blueskyrain · 13/10/2016 15:33

We have merged our names, so we both have the same new (but related to the old) names. He didn't know precisely what I'd want to do, but he'd told people before we were even engaged that if we did marry, I'd be keeping my name, even though we'd never spoken about it, because he knows me.

He hasn't been pouty but ok with it, he's positively happy with my decision. I think he'd have worried about me if I'd said I was going to change my name.

This sets off some red flags for me tbh, what else will he insist on being 'traditional' about? Staying at home with the kids, having dinner ready every night shudder

Blueskyrain · 13/10/2016 15:33

We have merged our names, so we both have the same new (but related to the old) names. He didn't know precisely what I'd want to do, but he'd told people before we were even engaged that if we did marry, I'd be keeping my name, even though we'd never spoken about it, because he knows me.

He hasn't been pouty but ok with it, he's positively happy with my decision. I think he'd have worried about me if I'd said I was going to change my name.

This sets off some red flags for me tbh, what else will he insist on being 'traditional' about? Staying at home with the kids, having dinner ready every night shudder

Blueskyrain · 13/10/2016 15:33

We have merged our names, so we both have the same new (but related to the old) names. He didn't know precisely what I'd want to do, but he'd told people before we were even engaged that if we did marry, I'd be keeping my name, even though we'd never spoken about it, because he knows me.

He hasn't been pouty but ok with it, he's positively happy with my decision. I think he'd have worried about me if I'd said I was going to change my name.

This sets off some red flags for me tbh, what else will he insist on being 'traditional' about? Staying at home with the kids, having dinner ready every night shudder

Mutiny0nTheBunty · 13/10/2016 15:35

But I'm not sure it is the same as wanting a joint family name. If that was the case there are many options available. So there should be no need to be a bit sad or put out because their wife to be doesn't want to change hers completely while they change nothing.

I think it's deeper than that. It's such an odd reaction to my mind.

hmcAsWas · 13/10/2016 15:36

Sorry - reminded me of this

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?
JeanLouise123 · 13/10/2016 16:09

Just because he cooks doesn't suddenly mean he isn't a sexist twat. Even ignoring the Trump supporting, Tory pro-brexit views (urgh), the fact you are so politically and socially misaligned is not going to work in the long run. Unless you dramatically change your views... Please don't!

For what it is worth, I kept my name. It was such a none issue, I don't even remember having a conversation about it. Much like our childs surname which is double barrelled.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 13/10/2016 16:13

Even if a man claimed to be a liberal lefty and appeared to be so in every other facet of his life, his use of the term 'pussywhipped' would certainly give me pause.

So he'd rather you were cockwhipped, would he? Or wait, that's not a thing - that's normal good old tradition, but when a woman suggests doing the exact same thing that would be fine the other way around, she is 'pussywhipping'?

A man who says that is a proper dick. Or twat.

engineersthumb · 13/10/2016 16:21

Someone may already haveposted this but according to UK deedpoll whilst a woman doesn't need to execute a deedpoll to change her name to that of her husband a man must execute a deedpoll to change his name to that of his wife. The site was dated 2012 so I wonder how they treat same sex marriages?

HeCantBeSerious · 13/10/2016 16:26

Our DD has my name as a middle name and his surname. In all honesty I would have preferred her to have my surname, but it seemed fair for both of names to be in there and they don't double-barrel well so it was just the compromise we reached.

Less chance they'll change their middle names though. ;)

HermioneWeasley · 13/10/2016 16:27

It's also traditional for women to do all of the domestic duties (particularly when kids come along) and for her career to come second.

I guarantee that if you marry this man, and particularly if you have kids together, you will end up ground down and miserable.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

But you won't, you'll minimise and insist he's not like that (despite the obvious warning signs) and be back here in a few years sleep deprived, knackered and financially dependent on him.

Lessthanaballpark · 13/10/2016 16:38

Show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader

Just respond:

"Show me a man who treats his wife as an equal and I guarantee he'll be getting a lot more pussy than you" Grin

hels18 · 13/10/2016 16:59

I changed my name on my official documents (passport, banking, driving license, mortgage etc) after a couple of years or so of being married as I became pregnant and wanted to share the same name as my child.

Day to day at work I still use my maiden name as I built up my career and my name is recognisable for all my contacts.

I did end up changing my name to my married name on social media as I keep my work and social life very separate, so it's like I am two people!

HappyTalking · 13/10/2016 17:06

I am getting married in the new year and don't plan to change my name.

How do those of you who haven't changed your name refer to your self when filling in forms etc.

Would I go from Miss Happy to Mrs Happy. Not really sure about using Ms.

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