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Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
SovietKitsch · 13/10/2016 12:51

I actually wouldn't marry him if that was his response, but that's me.

DH wouldn't have expected me to do anything else - after all he had no intention of changing his name, but then he does read the guardian Grin

KikisDeliveryService · 13/10/2016 13:03

OP he sounds awful :(

I didn't change my name, I considered it for a while but didn't want to so didn't. DH did not expect me to and it was of course entirely my choice. He had no qualms either way. Equally I did not expect him to change his name though the option was considered. We have been known to read the Guardian...

I am actually surprised at how many people do change their names. I've enjoyed seeing examples of men choosing to change their name in marriage.

Our kids have my surname as a middle name and his as a surname, the logic behind the order was just about the nature of our names and they sound better that way.

JoffreyBaratheon · 13/10/2016 13:11

He didn't give a monkey's. And that was 33 years ago.

What's the problem with people now? Did feminism never happen? Men OP's partner's dad's age took this in their stride. I was actually shocked when my niece married several years back, and took the man's name. I mean, why would anyone do that in the 21stC?

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 13/10/2016 13:23

Well, gosh. Haven't looked at this since before I got to work at 7, didn't expect this!

In most respects my DP is awesome, and definitely not a sexist/chauvinist whatever. He cooks dinner 98% of the time, we share most other duties. I doubt he'd expect me to be a SAHM, apart from anything else we'd need my salary!
The Trump thing- yeah, I know.

OP posts:
BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 13/10/2016 13:24

After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

Without wanting to sound too flippant, you do sound very mismatched and your relationship may well be doomed.

SallyR0se · 13/10/2016 13:25

Changed mine. Husband didn't give a shite.

WineIsMyMainVice · 13/10/2016 13:29

DH couldn't have given less of a dam! It was my mother who insisted in calling me by his surname!!
The only thing he did get stroppy about though was that the kids should have his name! And he would not double barrel it. Once that was decided, I felt funny about not having the same name as my kids! So I double barrelled mine. Which I hate. With a passion! But at least I'm not the only one with a different name in the family!
But for work I've never changed it.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2016 13:34

My children are having my surname as well as DH's, and it's non-negotiable.

You've carried and birthed the baby, why you would let the father insist on using his name only is beyond me.

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2016 13:37

"The only thing he did get stroppy about though was that the kids should have his name!"

Oh, so he got stroppy and you gave in.

blueshoes · 13/10/2016 13:49

The Trump thing- yeah, I know.

OP, you are minimising, you know that.

bookworm14 · 13/10/2016 13:52

My husband didn't mind - he knew I was a raving feminist before he proposed, so it didn't come as a shock that I didn't want to take his name.

Have to say I'd think twice about marrying someone who uses the hideous, sexist phrase 'pussy whipped'.

JoffreyBaratheon · 13/10/2016 13:53

I let my kids choose when they were school age. The older kids chose their dad's name (despite it rhyming with a rude word, which I thought was asking for trouble). The younger 2 have chosen my name. Which is, of course, a much nicer name anyway.

If my maiden name had been 'Farter' (or 'Trump' come to that), I would have definitely taken my husband's name, despite it being against my feminist principles. Wink

engineersthumb · 13/10/2016 13:56

Interesting that this causes do much argument. My wife kept her name, DC have got my name (though neither side insisted on this). My wife was going to take my name but latterdecided not too for professional\personal reasons. Oddly I would have been happy to take her name at the time but I didn't want to do this weeks after the wedding as I would have announced at the wedding reception so everyone knew. - Never read the guardian!

SansasEscape · 13/10/2016 13:58

Not married yet but engaged. DH-to-be didn't give a flying fuck when I told him. "It's your name, it's your choice as I'm concerned. I don't mind what you do."

SpaceUnicorn · 13/10/2016 13:59

My husband didn't mind at all.

Truthfully, if he didn't understand why it mattered to me or got pissy about it he wouldn't be the type of man I'd want to marry.

engineersthumb · 13/10/2016 13:59

Oh, do keep a copy of the birth certificate with the passport of any D.C. with a different surname when travelling. We caused a small incident at security when my wife was stoped and I had to go backwards through security screen to vouch for her.... no one vouched for me though!

Pengling · 13/10/2016 14:00

When I mentioned I wouldn't want to change my name - purely hypothetically as this was years before we actually got married - he briefly looked a bit put-out. I asked how he'd feel if he was obliged to change his surname. He looked a bit thoughtful for a few seconds then said "fair point, that would feel weird, totally see what you mean".

By the time we did get married, he knew me well enough that I imagine he would have wondered if I had lost my mind, had I suggested changing my name! He is proud of his feminist wife and wouldn't want me to be any other way Smile

SpaceUnicorn · 13/10/2016 14:05

He did say he'd vote for Trump if he was American- not because he likes him, but because he can't stand HC. But that's by the by...

He'd vote for a raving misogynist just because he doesn't like the woman standing against him? Oof, that's a deal-breaker right there for me. Sad

MitzyLeFrouf · 13/10/2016 14:07

Sadly a lot of marriages do end in divorce. Obviously I don't know you or your dp but on paper it doesn't exactly sound like you're suited.

Mutiny0nTheBunty · 13/10/2016 14:11

But for all these lovely DHs who didn't care, lots of them apparently still felt 'a bit sad' or 'a bit put out' or 'would have preferred it' if we'd changed our names. Why is this? Why are they a bit sad at all?

Completely including my own DH as he was exactly the same. He's never made a big deal of it, but I know he wishes I'd taken his name. When I've asked him he's never been able to come up with an answer!

MrsKoala · 13/10/2016 14:13

I kept mine for both marriages. First H didn't care but would have wanted the dc to have his name and wouldn't have considered double barrelling (not an issue as he didn't want dc anyway). Second/current H doesn't care at all and our dc are double barrelled.

(DH is by far from a pussy whipped guardian reader - he does no housework, in the military and votes Tory. He'd never vote Brexit or Trump tho - i do have some standards!)

PopGoesTheWeaz · 13/10/2016 14:16

ltb

Pengling · 13/10/2016 14:17

Mutiny - in the case of my now-DH, I think his brief pout came from a few factors - he was quite young at the time (I guess around 21), he was raised in a traditional household, and he'd just never really given it any thought. So it was a gut reaction to challenging an unconscious assumption. Once he'd actually thought about it he was fine!

sirfredfredgeorge · 13/10/2016 14:20

Mutiny Surely for the same reason people are saying that they want share their name with their kids, or keeping the name their share with the father or mother. The act of sharing a name is important to some people to help signify a close relationship.

Names are important, it's not unreasonable to prefer them a certain way. Not understanding or respecting others views, and not coming to a compromise is the problem.

And with children's surnames it's can by difficult if both parents want their name, what is the best compromise?

chilipepper20 · 13/10/2016 14:23

Wouldn't Brexit be the biggest economic upheaval in a generation?

you can point out that "it's always been like that" isn't an argument, for he would have voted to remain then.

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