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Original poster

If you kept your name when you got married, how did you husband take it?

283 replies

WanderingNotLost · 12/10/2016 23:24

Because my H2B is taking it as a personal slight, apparently.

Had a lovely evening together, we're getting ready for bed and I mention to him that I was thinking I might change my name to his legally, but keep my own name for sort of every day life. He did not take it well.
Saying I want to marry him, have the nice church wedding, be his wife and everything that goes with it except taking his name. Apparently I'm BU because 'that's how it's always been done'. Double barrelling isn't an option (although I'm with him there, it would sound daft) and of course he refuses point blank to consider taking mine (not that I'd ever really ask or expect him to) saying 'show me a man who was happy to take his wife's name, and I guarantee he'll be a pussy-whipped Guardian reader.' He went to bed sulking.
He just doesn't seem to get what a big deal it is. Probably cos all his friends wives changed their names straight away when they got married. To me, my name is my identity, it's who I am, it's what binds me to my Dad (who died just shy of 2 years ago) and his side of my family. And after all, I have said that legally I'd take his!
It doesn't surprise me that we don't agree. After all, he's a right wing pro-Brexit Tory voter and I'm a liberal leftie feminist... we're doomed, aren't we??

OP posts:
NathanBarleyrocks · 13/10/2016 10:37

I kept my maiden name when I got married. Couldn't be arsed to change it. DH couldn't give a toss. I have had one person tell me I'm not 'properly' married as I haven't taken DH's surname Hmm

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 13/10/2016 10:38

I've never understood the 'it's tradition' argument because a) it isn't actually that long established, especially not in Scotland where women were known socially by either name well into the twentieth century. On both, marriage and death certificates in Scotland woman's names are still recorded as Hilda Smith or Jones.

b) I'm always astonished that it is unthinkingly deployed by men who are happy to have pre-marital sex, live with their partners and have children with them, yet suddenly when it comes to surnames they spin on a sixpence and become staunch traditionalists.

badtime · 13/10/2016 10:39

I think my husband would have preferred me to change my name, but he knew it was actually none of his business so he kept his mouth shut.

Thumbcat · 13/10/2016 10:39

I kept my own name completely and my DH was absolutely fine about it. If anything he was quite proud of me for doing what I want to do and not following the herd (I don't know anyone else IRL who didn't change their name). To be honest, if was the kind of petulant caveman man who had a problem with me having my own name I probably wouldn't have been with him

birdybirdywoofwoof · 13/10/2016 10:40

He wasn't thrilled.

Vagndidit · 13/10/2016 10:45

Husband didn't mind one way or the other.

MIL, on the other hand, was "shocked and offended and hurt" on DH's behalf. He firmly, yet politely handed her a grip.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/10/2016 10:46

DH comes from a culture where name changing on marriage isn't the norm so he was not at all bothered when I didn't change my name. The wife changing her name on marriage doesn't seem to have been universal even in this country. I was researching my family history and the pattern in the 19th Century in my family (ordinary working class) was often to double barrel the children's names.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 13/10/2016 10:49

I didn't want to change my name.

Dh's only concern was that we all have the same name. A few months after we got married he sheepishly asked if I'd mind if he changed his name to mine. Why would I mind? It's his name, he can call himself whatever he wants.

Conveniently a marriage certificate works both ways so no more official documentation needed.

I do remember a boyfriend once telling me he would never propose because he knew I would never take his name when we married. I think I laughed in his face. That was actually the only reason for marriage from his point of view. It was at that point I realised that his sense of values was fundamentally different to mine.

Marriage is being legally bound. A name is just a name.

Wasn't it Shakespeare who said, "A rose by any other name will still be mulch after a while." I may be paraphrasing slightly.

He sounds awful. Just urgh.

TurnipCake · 13/10/2016 10:51

My ex used the term pussy whipped too. He was a vile misogynist

Current OH does not care in the slightest. He likes women. He loves me.

Do not marry someone who hates women

Tarttlet · 13/10/2016 10:55

"He did say he'd vote for Trump if he was American- not because he likes him, but because he can't stand HC. But that's by the by...

He's not such a backwards-thinking buffoon all the time"

Hmmmm, one of these things is not like the other...

WildDigestive · 13/10/2016 10:58

What everyone else has said about the wisdom of marrying a card-carrying misogynist, OP.

I just asked DH what he would have said if I changed my name to his when we got married and he looked at me and said he would have assumed I'd been bodysnatched and that someone else was inhabiting my physical form.

Run for the hills, woman, and ask yourself why you have, for a single moment considered allying your life to this person's.

StillMaidOfStars · 13/10/2016 11:02

His words, near verbatim: You wouldn't be the girl I want to marry if you were willing to change your name.

FourForYouGlenCoco · 13/10/2016 11:09

I think DH would've been a bit hurt if I hadn't wanted to change my name. But he'd have accepted it, because he loves me and wants me to be happy, and doesn't see me as his 'property'.
As it happens, I did change my name, because I didn't like my then-surname. Also because I have my mum's maiden name as my middle name (unmarried parents) - my sense of identity is quite strongly tied to that name (we're quite a matriarchal family) so I kept it and was happy about it.
I'm with pps - your DP sounds like a bit of an arse tbh. Agree with whoever said that you need to think hard about whether or not you want this man raising & influencing your future daughters/sons (apologies for assumptions, but the point stands). I know I wouldn't.

Lifegavemelemons · 13/10/2016 11:18

I would not have married a man who had a problem with me keeping my own name. Deal breaker as it says so much about how he views you..... red flag.

I never used hisname and the DC all have myname (they are all now adults).

Second red flag, he would vote for Trump because he doesn't like HC. This is called acting out of spite. (Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if your sbth fits any of the criteria.)

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 13/10/2016 11:19

I did change my name when I got married for the thoroughly unromantic reason that my maiden name was a PITA - it was a common surname with a less common spelling, and I'd been putting up with it being spelled wrong on letters/certificates/documents for 26 years. DH's surname is objectively nicer than my maiden name so I was quite happy for the chance to nick it. The point is that I made this decision myself and then let DH know. At no point did he demand or even expect that I changed it. In fact when I later asked him if he'd have minded if I'd kept my own name he looked utterly baffled at being expected to have an opinion on someone else's name.

The Trump-supporting misogyny is your real problem here though. As others have said you need to stop and think about whether you really should marry this man. I couldn't marry a man who sulks, especially as he's sulking because you won't let him control you. He is practically doing a fan dance with those red flags!

NameChange30 · 13/10/2016 11:31

Zikreet
"Just thought I'd share that story for all the 'he objects? LTB he's a chauvinistic bastard' lot - people can change/make mistakes!"
No-one said he's a chauvinistic bastard just because he objects to the OP changing her name. It was more the misogynistic language he used and the fact that he supports Trump. I think she should leave him because they are clearly incompatible and because he sounds extremely disrespectful towards women in general and her views in particular.

DH and I have had some disagreements about the surname debate (for myself and our children) but he has always been respectful and listened to my POV. I'm disappointed that his views on surnames are less progressive than I would have liked, but I put that down to ingrained social conditioning, and luckily he is very progressive about everything else.

blueshoes · 13/10/2016 11:54

H2B, your H2B's views on your taking his name is the least of your worries.

can you see the elephant in the room?

blueshoes · 13/10/2016 11:55

Last post addressed to OP, not H2B!

ThirdTurd · 13/10/2016 11:57

It wasn't an issue we ever discussed, my DH assumed I wouldn't change my name on account of the fact it was 2013 Confused

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 13/10/2016 12:15

I kept my 'maiden' name because I wanted to. OUR kids have my surname and his as a middle name. (mine is easier to spell)

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 13/10/2016 12:22

As others have said: the attitude demonstrated by the use of that repulsive 'pussy whipped' term (just, wtf) should tell you all you need to know.

Political differences aren't always simply a divergence of taste or opinion, like deciding what colour to paint the kitchen - you want orange and he wants beige, so you end up with blue. It's not like that. It's about who you are and what you believe most deeply about the world and the people in it - your value system. How can people with such divergent value systems be successfully married?

PoldarksBreeches · 13/10/2016 12:27

I couldn't be with a man who uses the term pussy whipped. That says it all IMO.

Tunafishandlions · 13/10/2016 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dowser · 13/10/2016 12:43

I have this problem too.
I was my maiden name for 23 years, then I took my first husband s name. This is almost like my adult name and I've been that for the last 41 years. I got divorced after 33 years and felt the same about that name then.

So now I'm remarried. When we are together as a couple we are mr and mrs his name. Officially I'm still in my first husband s name and professionally I've double barrelled my name.
He hats it when he gets called by my first husbands name.
Nightmare

divineinterruption · 13/10/2016 12:45

I told my DH that as I had just gotten a new passport with my old name I would not be changing my surname immediately (would've been costly due to needing embassy etc.). Tbh we had been together 10 years by the time we got married so it wasn't an issue anyways. Now that my passport is up for renewal, I don't really see any reason why I should change my name, seems so pointless. Also, I've since seen a very negative side to his parents (MIL) so I like that it makes me feel slightly distant from the whole situation and I can deal with them more objectively than my husband. Although his mother didn't change her name when she married. DH has no opinion on my choice of surname, he did want our son to have his name though which I didn't mind as it will be more convenient for DS when he grows up in terms of spelling etc.

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