To think it's ok for a 9 month old to be 'clingy'

[Throughautomaticdoors]

My dd is 9 months old (7.5 months corrected if it makes any difference!) and she is very much all me at the moment. If she is tired or a bit under the weather in particular she will only really settle for me.

Mil came over this afternoon and Dd had been fine for most of it but was getting a bit tired by late afternoon and a couple of times cried or crawled after me when I went out the room. Mil kept saying 'you'll have to sort this out Automatic, she'll never cope at school will she.' She's 9 months old! I'm pretty sure by the time she's 4 she won't be crawling after me crying.
I think some of this is because mil would like Dd herself (has said before she likes to pretend the baby is hers) and there have been a number of occasions where dd has been crying and calling me or reaching her arms out when mil has been holding her and mil has walked her away from me saying she needs to learn she can't always have what she wants and get used to not always being with mummy.

I probably have been more protective with her than I was ds because she was prem and poorly and because I've had pnd but she's 9 months! Surely it's ok to want your mum when you're tired / hungry / fed up and you're only 9 months old?

Oh Trifle I was so looking forward to your words of wisdom.

I was the best parent in the world, before I had kids more accurately dc2

I think I would (calmly) clear the air with MIL and not let it fester. I had a domineering and deeply ignorant MIL when my DDs were born, and I listened to so much rubbish until one memorable Sunday afternoon when DD1 was 10 weeks old and she was trying to dictate to me about a christening for DD. I told her the baby was mine and she'd had her chance and now it was my turn. I pasted a smile on my face and told her I would do it my way, so she would kindly concur, as how I raised my daughter was not up for discussion, and that included arranging any kind of ceremony. When I looked around, DH & FIL were hiding behind their newspapers. DH was full of admiration & we reckoned he would get it in the neck on their way home. MIL was very much more careful after that!

I was the best parent in the world, before I had kids. Weren't we all Puglife? I had an idea of how it would be. The reality was somewhat different, hard and lovely all at the same time.

Tell you what, some of you on here will make excellent MILs: my way is 'the' way, you'll learn, come back in a year and say that... And other gems. Looks like some people have been learning from the best!

What is it about someone disagreeing and trying things their own way that seems so obviously fine when it's your or the OP's MIL doing the interfering, but so counterintuitive when it's someone you don't know, who isn't criticising you in any way, just voicing the intention to do things their way?

You are spot on mil is jealous.

But Trifle you can't have an opinion on this until you get to know your child and how they think and operate and every child is different. This continues on from my comment above, which you dissed.

Trifle, nobody's saying you shouldn't try things your way. But I can pretty much guarantee you that whatever way you think will avoid clinginess, those of us with persistently Velcro babies already have tried it that way, found it didn't work for our babies, and possibly threw whatever baby book suggested it across the room in frustration. (Top parenting tip: if you hurl Secrets of the Baby Whisperer hard enough, you can make it rebound off the fridge with a satisfying DONG noise.)

So of course you should try whatever you think will work for you! Just be aware that your baby might have other ideas about things.

I am perfectly able to have an opinion, Mummy, just as any first time mum is. You've done things your way, implemented the parenting philosophy that you believed in, made your own mistakes. Have the respect to accept that others like me will do the same, working off their own experiences and going with what they believe to be best. If I am wrong, so be it.

53rd: Of course she will. No hard and fast rules here. Just my preferred approach which, if it turns out doesn't work, will probably end up being thrown out

"There is nothing wrong with having a plan for how you parent your baby, but it is wise to keep an open mind. "

ROFL.

Trifle of course you can have an opinion. Of course you can consider your parenting in advance - that's a good and sensible thing.

But if, as you did in your first post, come on to a thread and tell a bunch of parents who have first hand experience (with multiple children) that they are wrong, you have to expect to get a bit of stick.

I was the last of all my friends to have kids. I intended to do quite a few things differently than a number of them - and did. Some things worked out well, some things didn't but I was polite enough to keep my mouth shut in advance.

One thing I will say in further reference to your first post is that someone else's baby crying is about 1 million times less distressing than your own baby crying. So having a bath while your baby cries for you is in no way a relaxing experience - your hormones go completely wild.

Experience as an aunt, sibling or teacher only prepares you for the practical parts of parenting, the emotional aspects are quite another thing.

Trifle, you are right that we all have our own way of doing things and if it doesn't work, we try something else.

I'm one of 11 children and I have a 3 month old baby. All my siblings have their own children. I lived with one them when she had her babies and I often told her what she was doing wasn't right and how she could do it better. I stepped in and helped her a lot.

I have had my baby only a few months but I now cringe at some of the things I preached to her. I used to get frustrated when she ignored my advice but now I'm a parent, I understand why. I'm already doing things with my baby that I said I wouldn't do.

As someone said above, you are the best parent you will ever be BEFORE you have kids!

I have studied psychology and separation anxiety is a real thing, but if you have a plan to tackle it I hope it works.

OP, YANBU.

Amelia: But I have consistently aid that a) I might be wrong and b) I have no issue with others doing things their way. Some of the responses have been so defensive that I can only infer that some people are hypersensitive to what they perceive as criticism, when actually it is nothing of the sort. Why should I get a load of stick for thinking differently to a group of other people? Anyone would think i was trying to tell them how to raise their kids, rather than the other way around.

Totally agree Amelia. I physically cannot listen to my baby cry and not go to her, even when she is being held by her dad! Something just takes over.

Trifle honestly the responses aren't defensive, they are exasperated.

And no one is telling you how to raise your child. They are just trying to tell you that as of this moment you have not one clue.

That's not nasty, it's not an attack on your parenting - I'm sure you will be a fine Mum. But until you have done it, you have not one clue.

Good parenting is not all about books and theories. It's mostly about instinct and experience.

So you won't find me advising on a teenagers thread. Because I haven't experienced that yet and am well aware that I have not one clue about teenagers.

No one is trying to upset you, although I can see that it feels that way to you, but you don't seem to have understood quite how offensive it is to tell everyone they are wrong when you don't know whereof you speak.

I certainly wasn't being defensive or hypersensitive.

I'm quite confident and happy in my approach to parenting thus far.... My DD is highly sensitive, clingy, cautious, Velcro baby/child and I'm not in any way defensive about the approach I've taken to support her in her feelings. I feel confident in it because it was my natural inclination to mother her that way, I have studied developmental cognitive neuroscience (and know how important secure attachments are at a neurology level) and I can already see it paying off

The reason I asked why you were going into motherhood with the express desire to make sure your child wasn't clingy to you was because I was genuinely interested to understand your thoughts for why that would be your aim.

The only person I have experience with who had this aim is my MIL. Of course she took it to the extreme of emotional and occasionally physical neglect and has a whole heap of her own emotional baggage from her own childhood at the hands of an alcoholic father. She has boasted to me that "my babies never cried for me" as if t was something to be very proud of.

Now I am not suggesting that you are setting out to emotionally abuse and neglect your baby (!!!) or are even in the same league at this woman. But that was why I was curious as to why that would be your aim when it is normal and necessary for babies development to form secure attachments to their primary care giver and this usually involves the expression of separation anxiety from said care giver.

When I worked in HV a baby who didnt exhibit signs of separation anxiety would be a potential cause for concern and something we would want to explore to reasons for (could just be a naturally chilled out baby!! They do exist for some!)

No hostility here. Just curiosity.

I am sorry if you have been upset and offended. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy, birth and baby

Not read the thread but your mil is jealous old bag and can do one imo! Honestly, babies wanting their mothers, whatever next?!? Your baby only grew inside of you. You are doing a great job, listen to your gut xx

Trifle- as someone about to have baby number 3 can I give you this bit of advice - Don't listen to anyone's advice!! Seriously I'm a firm believer of a mothers instinct, you'll know what is best for your baby and there aren't many right or wrong ways of doing things so if it works for you and your baby then sod anyone else's opinion

OP, same goes, you know what's best for dd and my little girl regularly switches allegiance between me and do so enjoy it and don't feel guilty. All too soon she'll be grown up and independent and slipping her hand out of yours as she reaches the school gates like my previously clingy ds!!

• between me and dh

OP.... Print these off and leave them on your fridge for MIL to see.... Nothing like a bit of passive aggressive 'sod off and mind your own'

Keep on doing what you're doing and totally ignore MIL. I manage a parent infant therapy charity, trust me when I say the entire weight of evidence is behind you that you're doing exactly the right thing for your baby and his or her wellbeing. Many people will pipe in with their two pence worth over the duration of your parenting. Find your own way and learn your polite but firm voice that tells others that you'll parent how you see fit. The MIL will step back a bit if she realises you don't appreciate her overbearing advice.

Trifle. No one is trying to tell you how to raise your child. Telling parents, who've been through the experience that you have a strategy and the separation issues won't happen to you has rankled people. The big point you are missing is that separation anxiety to a large extent isn't up to you but your child and until faced with the situation you don't know how you will react. Can't you see why that might be? If you dropped the supercilious tone, it would become clear none of us wish you ill, we actually are trying to help. My dd is 8 so I'm definitely not feeling defensive or hypersensitive. I wish you well.

I'm not going to apologise for being on a parenting site and explaining how I plan to parent my child. If this gets people's backs up, they are being defensive, as nothing I have said is aimed at anyone in particular, nor is it critical of anyone else's chosen parenting style.

Neither am I going to respond to questions about my 'motivations' that are framed in the most projecting way possible - please carry own baggage 😂

Thank you, Frazzled, for your very reasoned and kind reply.

I'm glad I ignored MIL when DS1 was small. Her advice was mental, and not particularly well-meaning (she wanted it to be all about 'grandma'). DS1 was a Velcro baby and she couldn't cope with my approach (boob/co-sleeping). He's now nearly 4 and runs into pre-school without a backwards glance.

If you meet their needs as a baby, they grow up to be confident, well-adjusted people. Go with your instincts.

Never mind the Op sticking this on her fridge, reckon we all need to ready for being mils ourselves:) especially those of us who only have sons!