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Original poster

To think it's ok for a 9 month old to be 'clingy'

241 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 12/10/2016 22:13

My dd is 9 months old (7.5 months corrected if it makes any difference!) and she is very much all me at the moment. If she is tired or a bit under the weather in particular she will only really settle for me.

Mil came over this afternoon and Dd had been fine for most of it but was getting a bit tired by late afternoon and a couple of times cried or crawled after me when I went out the room. Mil kept saying 'you'll have to sort this out Automatic, she'll never cope at school will she.' She's 9 months old! I'm pretty sure by the time she's 4 she won't be crawling after me crying.
I think some of this is because mil would like Dd herself (has said before she likes to pretend the baby is hers) and there have been a number of occasions where dd has been crying and calling me or reaching her arms out when mil has been holding her and mil has walked her away from me saying she needs to learn she can't always have what she wants and get used to not always being with mummy.

I probably have been more protective with her than I was ds because she was prem and poorly and because I've had pnd but she's 9 months! Surely it's ok to want your mum when you're tired / hungry / fed up and you're only 9 months old?

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 16/10/2016 19:00

trifle why do you want to/aim to minimize clinginess???

They are little for such a short time. They need you and are soothed by only you for such a short time. It is a magical, special time.

I'm not saying you're going to do this, but why do some people treat the emotional needs of children as an inconvenience?? Sad

Absofrigginlootly · 16/10/2016 19:02

Ps, OP this is completely normal.

Tell your MIL to sod off. Had to do the same with mine who point blank refused to pass her back when she cried. She actually looked me square in the face and said "no I'm not giving her back"

I could write a book on that crazy stupid woman but have just settled with LC

Millymollymanatee · 16/10/2016 19:06

It's a completely normal part of child development for a child to behave in this way. The stages have been studied in some depth and this behaviour is to do with attachment. The emotional connection between you and your baby is well established, and the strength of this bond makes them want to be with you all the time. They grow out of it.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 19:07

Because that is my parenting choice, just like yours is yours. I am not criticising your choices. Extend me the same courtesy if you wouldn't mind.

Absofrigginlootly · 16/10/2016 19:11

Yes but why is it your parenting choice? Genuinely interested.

What is your motivation/thought behind it? Are you thinking it will give your child greater independence?

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 19:12

I'm not justifying myself to you; it's my choice. I will do what works for me and my baby.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2016 19:13

Your mil sounds very interfering. Your baby is only a quarter of the way to becoming a school child. Children change so much along the way. The things she says are absurd.

My dd is 8 and has only stopped following me everywhere including the loo in the last year. She went to nursery from 11 months and at first was fine. As she got older, she went through periods of being anxious and I would sit with her for 10 mins until she was ready for me to go. She found going to school difficult at times even though she loved it and still does. She would cling to me and was impossible to peel off. If it was particularly difficult, I would sit with her to calm her once the others had gone in. Even if she was really inconsolable, she'd settle within minutes and the school rang me to reassure me she was fine. The school staff were really good.

All these things are so far away for you and my dd is just particularly attached to me. So what happened with dd is the far end of the spectrum and there are others, who've just skipped in the first day of reception class as pps have said. I don't know why she's like this. It may be because I'm an ill mummy or maybe it's because if her personality - I suspect it's a combination. She's very social and is very outgoing and plays by interacting with others. She went to a 4 night camp over the summer holidays and was fine with her peers and without me.

You are not breaking your baby. Interesting comments from Trifle. I'd love to know what I could have done differently to stop separation anxiety.

Absofrigginlootly · 16/10/2016 19:20

I'm not asking you to justify your choices I'm just genuinely curious as to why someone who is pregnant and presumably pleased about that and looking forward to being a mum is of the mindset that they will aim to make their baby less dependent on them from the outset.

I was simply curious as to what your motivation behind that aim was, that's all

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 19:22

Yes you are. Your implication is that I don't want to meet my baby's needs (which you have conveniently defined for us). Your questioning is intrusive and critical and I am not engaging with it. Like anyone, I am entitled to do things my own way and not answerable to your curiosity.

CarShare · 16/10/2016 19:28

I have a clingy 8 month old. She struggles going to family and friends- even people she's been around on a weekly basis since she was born. I'm sure she'll grow out of it and I enjoy the bond we have. She's a happy, smiley baby who laughs a lot and cries very little. I'm very happy to let her be herself and give her lots of cuddles and reassurance when needed. She's just a tiny baby.

Trifle- you might cringe a bit thinking back to this thread in months to come. Planning ahead is great as long as you're prepared to adjust to the needs of the baby you actually get not the one you imagine you'll get. Best of luck with it all.

Absofrigginlootly · 16/10/2016 19:30

Fair enough I didnt mean for it to be read that way that was not what I meant. I wasn't trying to be intrusive and critical. I thought you were happy to engage in dialogue because you came on the thread and expressed the opinion that babies were 'made' clingy and that you wouldn't be doing that.

But I will say in response to which you have conveniently defined for us that I haven't said anything other than that babies have emotional needs. That's it.

Which they do.

Some babies are more 'needy' than others, or perhaps, are just better at expressing their needs (i.e. They scream more!!).

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 19:31

Thanks, CarShare. I might, I might not - we'll see.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 19:33

I'm very happy to engage in dialogue about the issue - clinginess and whether parenting approaches can affect it. I am not happy to engage in dialogue where I answer to you about why I might want X or Y. That's not your business. And I am offended by your implication that I will be failing to meet my baby's needs if I don't 'do' parenting your way. That's rude.

QueenJuggler · 16/10/2016 19:43

Clinginess can be exacerbated by parenting approaches, IME. And it can be caused by nothing in particular. Luck of the draw.

puglife15 · 16/10/2016 19:48

Trifle my baby goes through clingy phases, I'd really appreciate your advice on what I should do to minimise them please?

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 19:51

I'm not here to advise, Pugwise. Even if I didn't think you were being facetious I wouldn't give advice before actually testing out what I think is likely to work for me Grin
You do it your way, I'll do it mine.

AllieBomBally · 16/10/2016 19:58

Anyone else thinking 'sod off' or is it just me?!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2016 19:59

Trifle. It isn't about what will work for you. It's about what will work with an individual child.

Ragwort · 16/10/2016 19:59

I don't know if it's normal or not - my DS was the least clingy baby ever - I don't think he ever wanted to be picked up or cuddled Grin, happily self settled at night from day 1 - he's got to his teenage years without any apparent emotional damage.

I don't think it's due to anything I did or didn't do - all babies are different.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 20:00

Mummy, it is very much about what will work for me and my family. Honestly, where do you get off telling others what is important to them? I know what is important to me, thanks.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 20:06

On that note, I'm going for a nice long bath. This is no longer worth the risk to my blood pressure. Good luck with your babies, all.

53rdAndBird · 16/10/2016 20:13

Actually the MIL part of this just reminded me of something from when my DD was tiny. She was an absolute Velcro baby, needed to be held allllllll the time. My MIL, who is generally lovely and supportive, told me several times that I shouldn't "get her used to being picked up all the time", worried about me making a rod for my own back, etc etc. Said that was the advice she'd always had from her mother. I said through my teeth that I wasn't worried and was sure the baby wouldn't be like this as she grew.

After a few months, MIL told me that while this was the advice she'd got, she actually hadn't followed it and used to carry her colicky, clingy baby around with her all the time. But she had always felt guilty about it, never admitted it to her mother, and felt like she was supposed to give me the 'right' advice Sad

(Velcro baby is now a very unclingy toddler, thankfully!)

QueenJuggler · 16/10/2016 20:14

Oh dear, Trifle - in a year's time, you're going to cringe over this thread.

Your family won't be the same after a baby. It never is. And that's a good thing.

53rdAndBird · 16/10/2016 20:19

To be fair, I remember once when I was pregnant someone told me about a mother whose baby slept on her for every nap and we shared a laugh about how ridiculous that was. Ha ha, what a strange woman, my baby certainly won't be doing that!

Then karma came along Blush

greeneyedlulu · 16/10/2016 20:26

perfectly normal!! and to be honest, enjoy it! I know that sounds weird but my son is nearly 3 and i miss the days of him wanting only me for everything and anything! these days I'm second best to grandad, daddy and thomas the tank engine!!