Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

349 replies

Eatcakeandbreathe · 12/10/2016 20:48

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:14

I'm being accused of pushing my issues onto this thread? That's laughable. Get furious with my comments all you like, your opinion doesn't matter to me one bit. So many people have jumped all over OP and anyone else daring to say that kids shouldn't have to include other kids based on nothing more than SEN. It's as bad as excluding kids based on SEN. Why the fuck does it have to be "them and us", why can't kids just be allowed to be kids without being stuck in boxes and labelled.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:16

Myredrose thank you, I'm fully aware of kids being excluded because of their SEN. It has happened to DS and on those occasions I challenged it because it was wrong. People laughing at him for being a weirdo and a freak, that's wrong, people mocking the way he speaks and telling him he's not normal, that's wrong. A kid saying they don't get on with him and not inviting him to a party, that's life.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:16

Ditto to your opinion Grin

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:18

No, it's not 'life', it's humans isolating others because they don't fit in to their world. No parent becomes a saint just because they have a dc with SN and as you have shown, they can still be nasty to others.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:19

And the worrying thing is that you have good old Sandy the UKIP supporter standing by you...

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:21

So in life you go out of your way to include everyone in plans you've made do you? People you don't get on with or who wind you up? No, I'm pretty sure you don't. Exclusion happens in all walks of life to all kinds of people, it doesn't make it right, but it doesn't necessarily mean that bigotry or intolerance is behind it. There are people I don't get on with, I wouldn't invite them to something I was planning, and I wouldn't expect them to invite me.

RoseGoldHippie · 13/10/2016 08:22

I think it is sad that people are only focussing on the boy with SEN. What about the 2 newbies? I had this in my first year of secondary because I joined halfway through and it really hurt. Being new to a school is not a crime! 3 is a shit number not to include and okay it's 'half the class' but at 6 they will know who is in their year group and all this kids will be talking about it!

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:23

I've never claimed to be a saint, nor have I claimed to be better or more important than any other parent. I just don't believe that having autism means DS should be put on a pedestal and be treated better than any other child.

MonaTheTiredVampire · 13/10/2016 08:25

I don't think the numbers you give are unreasonable, half the class invited and presumably the years arn't overly split within the class so won't be too big a deal, if it was just about numbers.

But your reasons are vile. Or your 'sons' reasons, that you are letting him get away with. Leaving two new kids out is insensitive, but leaving a kid out because he has sen!?!? Your bringing up your son to think disablism is acceptable! How could you. That's not parenting. And the idea that it's the fault of the boy with ds because he called your child baby? I wounder what your son calls him? You should take this opportunity to teach him to show compassion, that's what parents do- use these opportunities to teach their children life lessons so that they can become responsible members of society.

If his only reasons for not inviting half his class were that they weren't friends that would be reasonable, not what I would do at this age but reasonable I guess, that you allow him to reason that a boy having sen is an acceptable reason to not invite a kid is beyond damaging, to both the child with sen and your boy.

I'm very lucky that dispite my children's asd/adhd they have so far been invited to parties, not all but certainly quite a few and never marginalised and discriminated against the way you doing to this boy. But I live in fear of the parents of future class parties being just like you.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2016 08:25

Myre

Sandy the UKIP supporter standing by you...

You've obviously lost the plot and it's pointless arguing with you. Just like the mum of the girl in my DDs class. I've long learnt that you don't get anywhere arguing with stupid people, with your nonsesoval UKIP comment.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:25

I do make an effort Aye, my dc have never been allowed to leave a minority out, including the boy who scratched dd1's face at the age of five. He was diagnosed with SN about a year later.

If new dc have joined, they have always been included. So yes, I do try to be inclusive and that is as an adult too, even to people that have hurt me.
I am no doormat but there is usually a reason that is behind the behaviour.

Kindness is best.

MonaTheTiredVampire · 13/10/2016 08:27

Maybe think of it this way- you wouldn't dare let your son not invite a child because they were black would you?

SandyY2K · 13/10/2016 08:27

nonsesical UKIP comment

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:27

Sandy , no, I remember you from another thread about UKIP, am I wrong?

Plus you talk utter bollocks about your 'teacher friends' desperately trying to get parents to send their children to special schools to fill up all those empty places.

WindyCat · 13/10/2016 08:27

My eldest started a new school at the end of June, aged 6 (eleven years ago, but that's not relevant), and on her first day, I stood outside her classroom in the playground, feeling terrible for uprooting her; when a friendly mum approached me and asked if I was the new girls mum. After a few minutes chat, she said that her daughter's party invitations were going out that day so to look for it in my daughters book bag. It transpired that when we'd had our school tour, the birthday girl had seen my shy little daughter, and asked the class teacher if she'd be joining in time for her party. Daughter came out of school grinning from ear to ear, clutching her invitation. It meant so much to me, and the girls have been friends ever since.

Please, please don't leave anyone out.

MoreCoffeeNow · 13/10/2016 08:28

3 DCs are not being excluded. Half the class are. No child should have to have a guest at a party who upsets them.

To exclude a DC with SEN just because of SEN is unkind. But to exclude any DC who is unkind to the host DC is natural. I don't invite people to my parties who aren't nice to me.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:30

I wouldn't exclude a child who scratched my kid once, whether they had SEN or not. A kid who consistently hurt my child over a period of time, I would exclude, again whether they had SEN or not.
As for the UKIP comment, I know nothing about Sandy, nor about UKIP (thankfully they've never made much of an impact north of the border).
Kindness is best, as is tolerance. Tolerance for the needs of all children, not just one group.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2016 08:30

Maybe think of it this way- you wouldn't dare let your son not invite a child because they were black would you?

I'm black ... so assuming that the child was white.

If the black child was mean and hit my child and my child didn't like them, then yes, they would be left out. The reason is not because of their colour, but because of their behaviour

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:30

Actually I do think that my dd2 with autism should have reasonable adjustments made, that's not putting her on a pedestal. It's because her brain is wired differently, same as if her legs didn't work, reasonable adjustments should be made.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:34

Of course reasonable adjustments should be made, I make reasonable adjustments for DS. What I don't do is assume the world is out to get him and exclude him because he has autism. Sometimes kids don't get on. If it genuinely is because of disablism then it should be challenged, robustly and loudly until attitudes change. But it's not the default reason, each situation should be looked at first before jumping to conclusions. If every time someone doesn't like someone disablism is shouted, it lessens the impact where actual disablism is happening.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2016 08:34

Sandy , no, I remember you from another thread about UKIP, am I wrong?

I've got nothing to do with UKIP. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm really not into politics.

Plus you talk utter bollocks about your 'teacher friends' desperately trying to get parents to send their children to special schools to fill up all those empty places.

Why have you chosen to take my comments and twist to suit your agenda? Purely to be cantankerous, along with accusing me of supporting UKIP.

I'm not even going to respond to you after this. Bloody madness

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:35

Which is what I've been trying to say all along.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:38

I won't copy and paste on here Sandy but you definitely did.

My 'agenda' is not to exclude children at the age of 6, your agenda is to support it.

It's your made up quotes from teachers that really take the biscuit about the poor children who will never have friends. As you are not going to respond to me though (even though you just did), it's all good.

BrainPrions · 13/10/2016 08:39

So in life you go out of your way to include everyone in plans you've made do you? People you don't get on with or who wind you up? No, I'm pretty sure you don't.

The difference is that as adults, we have many circles of friends. Most kids only have their classmates. Children are unique in that sense. You can't just leave a few of them out when everyone will come in talking about the party.

But more to the point, if coworkers were always excluding someone from meetings or outings, it would be considered work place bullying. If a group of friends were always excluding one person it would be considered shitty behavior. There's just no getting around that excluding people is not acceptable behavior.

Everyone on here is postulating about they teach their children to accept not being included while feeling miffed they weren't invited to a wedding. It's all well and good to pretend kids don't have feelings, but reality is much different.

These are kids, whose brains aren't fully developed. You need to teach them to be inclusive so they become well rounded adults. Kids starts being mean? Go stand next to him and engage. Ask him to help you with something away from the others for a moment. You don't have to be mean about it.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread