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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

349 replies

Eatcakeandbreathe · 12/10/2016 20:48

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

OP posts:
honkinghaddock · 13/10/2016 07:21

change the word disabled, learning difficulties, sn etc into a different protected characteristic in some of these posts and see how they read.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 07:28

BusterGonad thank you, I hope my kids think so! Grin
honkinghaddock I've just reread the whole thread and I think you're talking about the comment where there was a play rota for a child with SEN set up because nobody wanted to play with her? If that's true, the reason people didn't want to play with her, according to the comment, wasn't that she had SEN, it was because she was nasty to the other kids. Why should kids be forced to endure people being nasty to them? It's ok for kids without special needs to have to be picked on, but not the ones with SEN? My son has been hit every day by a particular boy in his school, they're both on the spectrum, both in a unit attached to a mainstream school. DS has a scar where this boy stabbed him in the face with a fork, has countless times come home black and blue and cut/grazed/bitten by this kid. All the response I get from the school is "oh but he has SEN, he has to be included, there are strategies in place." Meanwhile my kid, who isn't selectively attacking people (this boy only targets 3 in a school of 44) has to endure the constant attacks and bullshit because the entire world is too fucking scared of telling a kid with SEN that their behaviour is not OK. My son couldn't handle mainstream, which is why I fought for a long time to get him the place he has now. And still he's not safe, because there is a hierarchy of parents and teachers with the "oh the child with more serious SEN is the most important, we can't possibly be seen to be upsetting them." Fuck that.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 07:30

Why isn't the focus on teaching ALL children tolerance, kindness, considering each other's feelings? Why is there a select group who are exempt? And don't feed me the bullshit about "they can't help it", it's just that, bullshit.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 07:34

And honking having RTFT I didn't see you getting angry about a little girl being excluded from a party solely because she's not white.

pleasetryanother1 · 13/10/2016 07:34

I'd just let him have who he wants at his party. Sounds like he's inviting half of his mixed year class. Can't see the problem.

My dd has not been to some parties and not batted an eyelid. She has a party coming up and is inviting 10 of the 15 girls in her class. We went through the list and she doesn't get on with some of them so doesn't want them there. Why should she? It's life, we don't always get invited to everything.

honkinghaddock · 13/10/2016 07:37

Your problem is with the school not the child. My son attends a specialist school where most of the children have in the past had very challenging behaviours. Getting hurt is rare because the children's needs are being met.
I don't dispute that some children are better off in specialist settings. What's wrong is saying they should be there because they are horrible, nasty etc.

honkinghaddock · 13/10/2016 07:40

Of course it's wrong to exclude a child because she is not white. That wasn'tthe aim of the thread though was it?

SandyY2K · 13/10/2016 07:44

I made the mistake of inviting everyone a year ago and one boy was so naughty that he ruined the party for my son, his mum was useless and let him be rude and annoying and my son was very upset.

I totally agree with this. It's often the mums with naughty kids that do nothing to control them. Ruining or for everyone else.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 07:44

My problem is with attitudes that allow negative behaviour to continue by saying "they have SEN". No child should be labelled horrible, nasty or whatever. None. People were quick enough to label OPs child though, and OP. All children should be valued, have their needs met, and be given whatever level of support they need to get through their life to adulthood. The only thing that having SEN changes is the level of support needed, not what behaviour is acceptable. Actually DS is headed for mainstream this year because we feel he's reached a point where he is confident enough and has enough support from us, family and friends to be able to manage. When he was 4 it would have been incredibly stressful for him.
The only kids on here being labelled nasty are the ones apparently "excluding" kids with SEN.

honkinghaddock · 13/10/2016 07:49

I think you are reading a different thread from me then.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 07:52

Why isn't the focus on teaching ALL children tolerance, kindness, considering each other's feelings? Why is there a select group who are exempt? And don't feed me the bullshit about "they can't help it", it's just that, bullshit

There is a select group who need adjustments made because some of them are simply not able to be 'taught'. It's not 'bullshit', it will never happen.

This thread has brought out some of the nasty attitudes that I know are prevalent in real life.

'It doesn't affect me, why should I care'

londonrach · 13/10/2016 07:53

I dont understand why you getting a hard time here op. Ds is inviting half the class of children he plays with. The child who calls ds names should be invited. His home is where he should feel safe. You said that child plays with other children so will i dare say be invited to their party possibly excluding your ds as he doesnt play with them.

mouldycheesefan · 13/10/2016 07:56

I think what your son wants is fine. No issues with it, his party he has invited who he wants.

londonrach · 13/10/2016 07:56

The child who calls ds names shouldnt be invited (ipad auto correction)

DinosaursRoar · 13/10/2016 07:57

I think people are being distracted by the year split - the new children and child with SEN arent the only ones being left out - out of 28 children, 14 have been invited. If the op didn't want her ds to invite any of the year 1 dcs, why give him the choice? If the 2 year groups are taught together, why shouldn't he invite some from the younger classmates he gets on better with?

I can see something similar happening here - ds's class is 30 split evenly between girls and boys. Many dcs have had "all the girls" or "all the boys" parties, but my ds is really good friends with 3 girls, which means if I give him a free choice with 14 places (paying for 15 including him), then he'll probably leave out 3 of the boys. I already know he rarely plays with the 2 boys who have additional needs, so imagine an awkward situation where he doesn't want to invite them.

As we haven't done the "boys play with boys, girls play with girls" thing, he probably won't see it as him leaving out 3 of the boys, just inviting half the class. After reading this I'm thinking of reducing it so he only gets 10 invites so there's more non-invited and less likely to cause upset amongst parents.

MillionToOneChances · 13/10/2016 07:58

As your son originally wanted 8 kids and that solved the whole problem and is a good number for an 'at home' party, isn't that a good solution? Leaving out just two new kids and a child with SN would be cruel.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 07:58

There is a select group who need adjustments made because some of them are simply not able to be 'taught'. It's not 'bullshit', it will never happen
I absolutely agree that there are some children who, through no fault of their own, are unable to be taught. What pisses me off is that that line is extended to suit people who can't be arsed to teach their kids and would rather just justify everything with "my child has SEN".

LyndaNotLinda · 13/10/2016 07:59

Sandy: *I'm only saying what teachers and my friend told me in relation to their experiences.

I imagine it depends on where you live, the nature/severity of the learning disability, the availability of other suitable special schools and the impact on other students learning.*

If you're not trolling, then I find it fairly unbelievable that teachers actually believe in the magic special school fairy wherever you are in the country. But then I find it equally unbelievable you'd just shrug off your child being told she's ugly because she's black.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:00

And it DOES affect me, or more accurately, does affect my son. He is the one living with the consequences of this line being extended because it's not PC to deal with aggressive and violent behaviour.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:03

Lynda I am pretty sure that some people are trolling on this thread. At least one person has namechanged just to post on it.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:05

Aye that's an issue of the school not dealing with it properly, nothing to do with a boy with Down's syndrome being excluded from a party.

ayeokthen · 13/10/2016 08:07

There were 3 kids potentially not being invited, not just one boy with Downs Syndrome. This thread is becoming ridiculous. All this righteous indignation about disablism where there wasn't any.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:10

No, I think that you are pushing your issues on to this thread. I couldn't read it anymore today without posting as I was getting so furious with your comments. It's just as unkind to leave out the two new people.

What happened to teaching children to be kind?

SandyY2K · 13/10/2016 08:10

Ayeok

Your posts are excellent. So much sense and comments from an objective viewpoint.

My problem is with attitudes that allow negative behaviour to continue by saying "they have SEN

^^^ Spot on.

Myredrose · 13/10/2016 08:13

And you are clueless if you really don't think that DC with disabilities don't suffer socially. Read back through the comments, lots saying that their dc don't play with children with additional needs.

You have an issue with a boy at your son's school and you are storming all over the thread with it.