Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

[Eatcakeandbreathe]

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

[ayeokthen]

zzzzz I'm on my way to the supermarket just now, think I'll be brave and try an avocado!

[MonaTheTiredVampire]

I wasn't objecting to is autistic, I was objecting to is sen is asd etc

Personally is autistic isn't a term I would use, but I dis like is disabled also and generally talk about living with a disability. I don't think it's offensive to say someone is autistic, I just think there's more helpful way of looking at it and talking about a child having autism is more positive language to use for helping the children understand who they are and how their disability is part of their identity, not all of it.

[BowieFan]

Yes, this thread hit hard for me. DS2 is ASD and had trouble settling in at first and had friends but not very close friends. Luckily DS1 has always looked after him and brought him into his friendship group and the other kids started treating him like their mates. At high school, DS2 has thrived and has found a little group of his own and he's loving it. He still struggles with socialising and prefers to do things on his own a lot of the time, but he loves being a part of his friendship group as well.

I really hope you teach your DS that it's not OK to leave a kid out just because they're different.

[Givememorewine]

I agree with ayeokthen in that if a child with SEN is excluded it's not necessarily due to disablism, but I'm not sure about the OP, her reasoning is pretty weak and nothing she's said indicates the boy has been anything more than mildly unpleasant. Which is to be expected from 6 year olds surely!

As an aside Myredrose has not come off well from this thread AT ALL You do realise people can disagree without one party being labelled a 'bully' don't you?

[mouldycheesefan]

The ops son doesn't like the boy because he calls him names. In our fsmily it's fine not to invite that person to your party. Invite your good friends, not people that are mean to you. Would you invite someone to your own party who was rude or mean to you? No, but you expect the ops son to!

[honkinghaddock]

If the op's son was not inviting all those children who had ever said or done anything mean to him then I suspect he would be leaving most of the class out.

[derxa]

My dd has not been to some parties and not batted an eyelid. She has a party coming up and is inviting 10 of the 15 girls in her class. We went through the list and she doesn't get on with some of them so doesn't want them there. Why should she? It's life, we don't always get invited to everything. You know this isn't right. I have been the teacher where all the invited ones get ready for the party and the rest just look really sad. I know 'it's life' but why should life be so horrible.

[Myredrose]

Give, I hope I explained that it wasn't about people disagreeing, it was the jibes afterwards that continued on in to the thread. I am not going to drag that up again though. It was also in response to someone else crying bully first- probably a bit antagonistic but it was getting very personal.

Hopefully no one else who doesn't share my opinion will use it as a stick though.

[ayeokthen]

Myredrose my comment was in relation to the MNHQ message, not to anything that was said to me personally. For the last time nobody was making digs at you, at all, we were simply continuing a thread without involving you because you were being extremely argumentative and irrational in some of your posts. I did not say I felt bullied, because I don't. I meant that the MNHQ comment only related to tolerance of one group of people and that as usual on here certain posters can be as goady and as vile as they like with no consequence. Read back through your posts, nowhere do you even attempt to explain your opinions (which you are absolutely entitled to hold, but you keep saying you explained when you didn't) you simply kept speaking to people like dirt if they dared differ from your opinion and you sure as hell haven't apologised for anything.

[Myredrose]

And here we go again...

I asked for you to apologise for saying that I had used the word 'normal' repeatedly through the thread.

Which.Just.Wasn't.True

[ayeokthen]

No, not here we go again. I was responding to a post YOU had put up about me, which you said you weren't going to drag up again while doing exactly that and made yourself out to be the victim of something which never happened. You can patronise and try your very best to provoke a reaction all you like, but it won't get you anywhere in life, because people will quite rightly refuse to interact with anyone who speaks to people the way you do.

[Myredrose]

Posted too soon, you kept digging for a reaction which I said I refused to rise to. I am going to ignore you again now as it's de railing from the OP.

[Myredrose]

FYI MyredRose you've used the word "normal" several times now, I find that more offensive than anything. By implication you're saying that kids with SEN aren't normal, because you're using the term to describe kids without SEN. How can you not see that that's part of the problem?


That's one of your more disgraceful lies...

[DinosaursRoar]

Crusoe - I understand you are trying not to leave anyone out, but do you really want to be telling your Y1 DD that she should only really be friends with the girls, and not the boys? You don't want to leave anyone out, but if those 3 boys are closer friends of your DD, then you would be leaving out some of the group based on their gender.

Inviting half or less of the class rather than them all is perfectly fine - not everyone can afford/have the space for whole class party, but insisiting it's just girls or just boys seems odd with children so little who clearly play with both boys and girls.

You aren't just leaving out 3 girls, you are leaving out 15 of the class, 3 of which are female and aren't as close to your DD as the ones she's picked.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, even if it's max 16, only let her invite 10. I'm thinking of doing this for DS's party as I know his friendship group includes some girls. Or suggest she invites more boys and so more of the girls are left out and it's more of an even split...

[DotForShort]

Excellent post, zzzzz. Very well put.

[honkinghaddock]

I wonder if the op will be back.

[BusterGonad]

I doubt it as she's been bullied and treated like an outcast! I hope her son enjoys his party with all the friends he has chosen to invite, OP I think choosing to invite who your son wants at his party is the way to go. I hope it goes well. X

[ayeokthen]

Buster Couldn't have said it better myself.

[BusterGonad]

Thanks AYEOKTEN, people need to practice what they preach!

[MonaTheTiredVampire]

If the reasoning behind not inviting the boy with ds was that he was mean and name called surely to op would have already been into the school to discuss how this behaviour effected her son and ask how the school plan to safe guard her child, as any reasonable parent would, and if this was the case op would have included this in her first post- rather than merely saying that the three kids not invited from the year were two who were new and one boy with sen?? If she hasn't needed to go to the school to discuss this name calling then I doubt it's anything more than average teasing that happens in young kids. Which makes it more logical that the boy is not invited because of his ds. Whether that's because this is the ops underlying attitude that filters down to her ds, or that ds has picked up on other kids prejuice towards this boy that the op/other parent/school hasn't challenged isn't clear. But if the boy with ds was being excluded because of me being mean it would have been evident in the op. I wounder how many other class parties this boy isn't invited to? Maybe it's a general theme within the class that has never been challenged or maybe this boy is the scape goat of the class where all kids claim he is mean (maybe after being left out by others...) it is impossible to know for sure. But based on the information in the op it looks like he is being left out for having sen and the other two for being new. And that's never going to be ok. 16 is a fairly random number for a house party, I suspect it wouldn't be difficult to cut back to 12 or include these three, it's not like a set number at soft play or similar.

[pleasetryanother1]

Those who disagree with my 'it's life' comment. ITS A KIDS PARTY.

why should my dd invite a bunch of people to her party who she doesn't like/play with etc? At school, yes get on with everybody and include but on her birthday I don't see why she should invite everybody. Parties are very costly, I'm not about to invite 30 kids to alleviate the insecurities of their parents. She has a lot of friends outside of school as well so it just can't be done.

Maybe those with kids who get upset at such trivial things need to teach them a bit about real life. You can't be friends with everyone, you can't agree with everyone (this thread is evidence of that!!!).

I hope ops party goes well and her ds has a good time with HIS friends

[BusterGonad]

Why is 16 a random number? Her son has 16 friends, should he have more or less to please you all?

[BusterGonad]

Sorry pleasetryanother1 I posted before reading your post, I was responding to all the others who are acting like the bully's they so hate. Sometimes I wonder what the world is coming too. Can no one even scratch their own bottom without being 'labeled' something or another????