Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

[Eatcakeandbreathe]

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

[Tonsiltennis]

I think this is a good moment to wheel out this picture.

The kids with additional needs have more to contend with so they need more of a leg up, socially.

[Bluebolt]

Parents have to fight to get EHC plans if their child is deemed mainstream and even when they do the battle for special schools is tough. many where closed because people believed that inclusion was better for children and society as a whole. Unfortunately I find inclusion only works if it has zero impact on others.

[GreatFuckability]

A child is not 'a SEN child' they are 'a child with SEN'
a child is not SEN, they HAVE SEN.

jesus christ.

and yes, as a parent of a child with SEN, my favourite thing in the world is seeing him wandering around alone in a playground, that's why i refuse to accept he needs a special school..............or in the real world, I can barely get the LEA to accept that he needs a 1-2-1 worker, let alone a EHCP or a place at a special school.

jesus fucking wept.

[porkandcheese]

In my view, it would be kinder to invite all or do a smaller thing. The two new kids and the kid with SEN (and their parents) will I'm sure be over the moon to be included. The positive impact of this is far greater than any inconvenience to you as the party's organiser and to your son as the host of a party that already has 16 people in attendance. It's not like they'll be cramping his style with that many kids there. And I agree, empathy is an important quality to instil in our kids.

[Atenco]

Sorry, OP. I don't see why the condemnation of mumsnet saying that you should either have a whole class party or a smaller party, but leaving just three out and particularly the new boys and the one with SEN is not on. It may be your son's birthday and his party, but you are the parent here and you are responsible for teaching him empathy. There were only six girls in my dd's class and one was particularly difficult but all of the parents of the other girls insisted that she be included. Consequently our children grew up to be empathetic and inclusive.

[BusterGonad]

I'm not agreeing that leaving the SEN boy is right, but I do agree that it is up to our OPs son if he doesn't want all the boys to come, I made the mistake of inviting everyone a year ago and one boy was so naughty that he ruined the party for my son, his mum was useless and let him be rude and annoying and my son was very upset. This year I'm only inviting the children my son wants at his party, and I'm afraid I'm not prepared for the party to ruined for everyone else by naughty children.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Ffs Buster we have already established the little boy is not " the sen boy".

[BusterGonad]

I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to be offensive, I rushed my post and I do apologize, there is no need to be quite so harsh to me!!!

[FreddoFrog]

FFS SandyY2K, "a child who has SEN" not "the SEN kid". The child is a child first and foremost, they just may also be a child with a certain disorder/with special educational needs etc. It's an important distinction.

[ayeokthen]

I don't get the impression the boy with SEN is being left out because he has SEN, but because OPs DS doesn't get on with him. My eldest has SEN, it doesn't mean he gets a free ticket to be mean to people and they just have to lump it. OP, I think for the sake of keeping the peace it might be easier to do a smaller party and that way it avoids any potential ill feeling or arguments.

[a8mint]

When dd1 was in reception there were 8 in her year group and she begged me not to invite one of the boys - how I wish I had listened to her. Not only was she scared of this kid , so were all the others. The little shit completely ruined the party. In subsequent yea rs we excluded him
You are not responsible for creating social opportunities for anyone least of all someone who is unkind to your child. Invite the newbies and leave mean boy out of it

[honkinghaddock]

I thought early on this thread would end up with tales of "horrible" kids with sen and how they shouldn't be in mainstream. And I was right. How predictable it would bring the bigots out.

[BusterGonad]

I agree completely with a8mint, why ruin your child's birthday for the sake of not being branded as horrible, these days you can't do or say anything without someone being offended, it's madness. If I know child X will ruin my sons birthday then I'm afraid my son comes first not a child I don't know or love!

[Friolero]

Good grief there are some truly horrible posters on this thread, particularly those saying invite the new children but that it's ok to leave the child who has SEN out. Honestly, look at yourselves people - is this what you want teach your children about inclusion?! Yet another example of disablism (yes it is a word) on Mumsnet.

[BusterGonad]

Just to clarify I do not mean children with SEN, I mean all children that my child doesn't get along with. It's his day, I wouldn't invite someone I disliked to my birthday drinks so why should my son put up with children he dislikes?

[ayeokthen]

I didn't RTFT before I commented, I just have and wish I hadn't to be honest. Firstly, children with SEN are not "SEN kids" there's a whole lot more to them than a diagnosis. To define them by their diagnoses does them a massive disservice. My son has autism, he is not autistic. Because he is more than his condition. Nowhere has anybody said that kids with SEN shouldn't be in mainstream school, nor that they should be left out of parties purely because they have SEN. Of course they shouldn't, that's disgusting. But on the flip side, should a child be invited to everything purely because they have SEN? Surely that's defining them by their condition too? My son has been to 6 birthday parties so far, all for his best pal from school and his pal's sister. Because he has a small school, and the kids don't all live locally because they get taxis in from the whole county. I get so fucked off with parents who wear their kids diagnosis like a badge and beat people over the head with it, and start screaming discrimination where there isn't any. Life is hard enough for our kids without seeing bigotry and disablist comments where there are none!! If someone is being disablist, I'm the first to tell them they're being a dick. But this thread has seriously been derailed by the sort of Mums I actively avoid. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't give a shiny shite. OP suggested inviting half a class, not leaving out 3 kids, and is probably wishing she'd not said anything at all.

[BrainPrions]

For everyone claiming that other kids are "ruining" the party, why are you letting them? They're kids. Surely as the adults in charge you can oh I dunno, lead group games, and keep them all in line? I have no problem yelling at other people's kids while the useless parents are standing right there. If they aren't going to parent them, I have no problem stepping up.

Why are you letting children call the shots?

Half these problems are because you aren't willing to stand up for your kids to the other parents. I've seen bridesmaids run weddings with crazy narcissistic in laws smoothly, you're certainly capable to running a child's birthday party without a hitch.

Just because you're too afraid to stand up for your child (who you should be the biggest advocate for) doesn't mean you get to blatantly exclude others. It means you work on yourself and learn to be more assertive. The child isn't the problem. How you inadequately handle the situation is.

[BusterGonad]

Well said AYEOKTHEN! You are a inspiration. X

[BrainPrions]

To add to that, by blatantly excluding I mean inviting everyone but them like some posters are suggesting is ok.

[ayeokthen]

BusterGonad thank you, I was so sure I was going to get eaten alive I still might! for my comment. I look at my son and I see my boy, not a diagnosis. If I live my life defined by his diagnosis, so will he. He has had people being disablist, and I'm sure he will again, and on those occasions I have/will challenge them, loudly and bluntly. But never once have I started shouting about disablism when it isn't there because that puts him down, it makes an issue where there doesn't need to be one, and it would humiliate him. There are a group of mums at his school who actually refer to themselves as "Auti mums" I refer to myself as "xxxx's Mum" not by what he's diagnosed with!!!

[honkinghaddock]

The shouldn't be in mainstream comments are there. Not as direct statements because they know they won't get away with that but they are there.

[ayeokthen]

Where honkinghaddock?

[honkinghaddock]

It is in the tale of a particular child and what someone else said.

[BusterGonad]

Any time AYEOKTHEN, you are talking total sense. You sound like a fantastic mum!