Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

[Eatcakeandbreathe]

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

Buck3t spot on!

It's really not the same but as you found it so funny, it says a lot about your empathy.

Of course people project their pain, surely that it how others hopefully learn some empathy? (Not all though).

ayeokthen Buck3t and MoreCoffeeNow I wish you'd been on earlier! grin

I really wanted to last night, but it was late, and everyone would have hated my reactions last night (I would have overreacted). I'm being civil and open to differences of opinions, at the moment I still stand by my conclusions.

Buck3t unfortunately I did overreact earlier and got myself into a really negative, childish argument which I've apologised for my part in as it wasn't right. I too stand by my sensible points, that the only people I can see here drawing lines are the ones who have children with SEN (bar me and a couple of others) but refuse to see that their attitudes are as much part of the wider problem as people who do behave in a disablist way.

That's my tuppence worth anyway

Actually MNHQ I hope you're taking on board some of the horrible comments here made by parents of kids with SEN too. Bullying works both ways!

Myredrose It's really not the same.

For you. It's not the same for you.

Speak for yourself. Like I said you do not know my position. And I wrote a whole paragraph explaining myself then realising, I don't have to.

A person overreacting on a forum would not help someone emphasise (well not me). A person coming from a place of calm and objectivity would. imo

I wouldn't invite someone that upset my child calling them names and I couldn't give a shit if that child had sen or not. Parties are to gave fun with friends not to be forced to invite someone you don't like who is mean to you for the sake of political correctness.

No, comparing a child with a lifelong disability and the social exclusion that is more likely to happen, to the normal ups and downs of childhood is not the same.

16 seems to be a bit of an odd even number to settle on, to be honest. Are 3 or 4 more children likely to make that much difference when you already have so many? Is DS perhaps being influenced by what you've suggested...?

Have to say, it'd be very odd for a 6 year child to insist on parental supervision for a child with special needs, unless, of course he's heard it somewhere before....

Parties are to gave fun with friends not to be forced to invite someone you don't like who is mean to you for the sake of political correctness.

Fine. No one can make you invite someone you don't like. But parents should have slightly more awareness than primary-aged children, so maybe a smaller party's the way to go?

Instead of getting angry about exclusion (which my son DOES have experience of because of his autism) I find it easier to try and educate people about the condition, to explain some of his social struggles and how to overcome them and see him for the boy he is, not his condition. I find it a hell of a lot more effective than just telling people they're horrible people and bashing them over the head with how awful they are. Nobody is going to listen when you get their back up the minute you disagree with them, explaining and being prepared to listen to both sides of a discussion while correcting genuine mistakes and challenging bigotry is a much more effective way to go, and in the long run, will benefit everyone. Kids without SEN will learn to be more tolerant and understanding, kids with SEN won't feel so excluded and will be treated better.
FYI MyredRose you've used the word "normal" several times now, I find that more offensive than anything. By implication you're saying that kids with SEN aren't normal, because you're using the term to describe kids without SEN. How can you not see that that's part of the problem?

ayeokthen unfortunately I did overreact earlier and got myself into a really negative, childish argument which I've apologised for my part in as it wasn't right.

I saw that and I thought it was really mature of you to apologise - for what it's worth, I didn't think your reaction was that bad given what was said to you.

I agreed with many of your points. It seems to me you have looked at it with an overview rather than just how it is directly affecting you. I think that is hard to do.

I know different people/children with SN and they all are very different (obviously with different SNs), some are loud and boisterous, some are loving, some are loving one minute and hateful the next, some are very quiet and just like their music. These personality traits sound like "normal" non-SN people to me. So I make no excuses and my behaviour expectations are different based on circumstance. Not just because they have a SN.

I am not rising to it you two, carry on with your little digs, it shows you up to be a pair of bullies.

I think that I only said 'normal' once Aye, in the context of childhood, not in relation to a child.
If you can find where I said normal in the context of a child I will gladly apologise.

Buck3t thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it. I was so annoyed with myself for reacting like that, I was wrong and when I'm wrong I apologise.
I completely agree with what you're saying, it makes absolute sense. The divisions are not helpful, defining people is not helpful, educating and understanding is what is needed, across the board. Our youngest DS is being assessed for autism at the moment, because it's the way to access the services he needs (speech and language support, pre 5 learning support etc) not to label him. All my kids matter, all their needs matter (whatever they may or may not be) and they all have to live in a world full of intolerance, which makes me sad. I can't change the world, but I can try.

Nope- it would be entirely out of character for me to describe children as 'normal' but to be sure, I just checked back every single post of mine.

Maybe you would like to apologise?
And damn right you should apologise for calling another poster 'unhinged'.

No personal namecallling from me.

Myredrose you didn't say it about a particular child, I didn't say you had. The use of the word "normal" helps create divisions which is what I object to. I didn't conduct myself very well with you earlier in the thread, which I have apologised for. Calling anyone who offers a measured and calm response disagreeing with you isn't a bully. Another word which shouldn't be chucked around lightly.

Myredrose No, comparing a child with a lifelong disability and the social exclusion that is more likely to happen, to the normal ups and downs of childhood is not the same.

Are we speaking at cross purposes, am I being too obtuse? I'm trying to be rational here, but I think I'm confusing you somehow.

I believe I was comparing the feelings a parent feels when they are helpless to help. Whether your child has an SN or not, parents feel. Are you telling me because a child with SN has a lifelong disability the parent whose child doesn't have SNs, feelings have less merit when their child is being excluded for whatever other reason it could be?

That doesn't sound right to me and once again sounds a little 'ist' against someone.

I apologise for calling you unhinged, it was uncalled for and childish and I'm sorry. posted by me at 9.22 today. Get off your high horse Myredrose

I am waiting for your proper apology?

You said I had used it several times and implied it was in the description of children? I stand by the term in the context that I used it.

I agree that the word bully shouldn't be bandied around, you used it earlier to anyone that disagree with you.

I would describe your constant digs as bullying after I started to ignore you, it's okay, I can go back to ignoring you.

Yes buck I am I suppose. The two situations are not comparable at all.

Children and adults with disabilities don't necessarily want treated 'the same' - we are all individuals as well.

Especially with children with disabilities they need treated 'equally' which doesn't mean 'the same'. It means equal opportunity to access what other children do as the norm, reasonable adjustments and consideration from others. Pp's pic illustrated it perfectly- to be able to access equally heights people need differing amounts of help. Many children with disabilities will struggle more socially than others, they may need more consideration from other parents, a little bit of day to day understanding that the kid with sen may frequently be left out so while kids are little why not try to include them if possible. That doesn't automaticly extending an invite to kids with disabilities but understanding that they are likely to be the kid left out so teaching your kids to be actively inclusive and aware of people's differences. That doesn't just extend to kids with sen or other disabilities but also to any 'different' kid- the kid whow has foster parents or is mixed race or is new or stutters or comes from a single parent family or doesn't speak fluent English. It's not that any child has an obligabion to include any of these kids, but that parents have an obligation to teach children that their little world is not all there is anxious that many other children will have it much worse. Raising socially concious children begins at these ages, and it isn't hard to encourage inclusion with little kids, much harder with older kids who haven't been made aware of the differences in life.

Myredrose and ayeokthen

I'm now bowing out. Mostly cause I need to work, but being called a bully doesn't sit right with me.

I've decided thought either I am a bully because I have a difference of opinion or in the reverse I'm being bullied because I agree with ayeokthen.

Myredrose when you say little digs, there is a West Indian term "throwing words" (but said with an accent), for the record I wasn't throwing words, not to you specifically I was just thinking about what I had read and commenting. If you felt anything reflected on you it is probably because I have been answering you most recently.

As I said I'll try to stay off this particular page for while, and let someone else comment.