Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

[FireplacePick]

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me

I literally feel so sick.

Apologise to your friend and don't go. In your situation, I wouldn't. I hate it when people have weddings abroad and just expect people to be able to attend regardless of their life and monetary circumstances. If you, your mum and baby can afford to go then do it I guess...otherwise, stop beating yourself up. Your friend very clearly doesn't want little ones around, that's her choice. But then why are you putting yourself out for her, feeling sick about it, and worrying about what to do with your babe? I couldn't make my best friends wedding (my dd was only 9 weeks, and we don't have family that can help out etc). My friend kept our spaces open for me and dh anyway and said I could even tell her on the day whether I could make it or not. She even said we could bring dd in the evening, but it was just a bit too much for me at that time. It's never even been an issue between us since. It is a different situation, I appreciate that, but a friend is a friend and she should be able to understand why you can't make it if you mean anything to her at all.

My bother flew in on my wedding day flew out the next morning in time for a christening. You're making a mountain out of a small clot of earth.

FWIW I wouldn't have left mine at that age. And whilst it will be disappointing to miss your friend's wedding it sounds like it is unavoidable. I would just reply telling her that you are very sorry but you can't attend because of childcare issues. Don't let it add to your stress. Very sorry about your mum x

Sorry about your mum.

But I congratulate you on winning the Drip Feed of the year award. Well done.

What I don't quite understand on threads like this is why, if you are so incredibly close to the bride, you can't just, you know, speak to her.

Reading your OP again - it seems you really really want your best friend to make an exception for you - you can plead to her all you like but don't accept her to make an exception and IF she does so, you may not get the reception you want from the other guests. They may be fine with this.

I do find it slightly hard to believe that you post in AIBU, under a flame worthy topic and act all hurt when you don't get your required response! Surely research this a bit before.

badtime because - you know OP is thinking bride will say no, or she'll come across as being entitled (which she does, a bit).

I still don't understand why people are saying speak to the bride. She's already been clear on the no children aspect of the wedding. What's there to speak about? .

Best thing to do is to reply with a no as normal and add a personal note.

We were invited to an evening do, my six month old wasn't. When I explained why we couldn't come the bride casually said bring him. I think she just didn't think to add the baby's name to the invitation.

Really surprised (and a bit jealous) of the number of MNers with mothers/MILs they can just drop a clingy baby off with for 4 days and nights, or bring along on a 4-day trip to provide childcare. Mine are both lovely but no way would they have done that!

Jaysus. This one again?! YABU. You read the invite, I assume you understand it so, no, you can't bring your child. Do you really need all of Mumsnet to explain that to you. In fact, does everyone who makes this post (once a week on my reckoning) need this advice?

I wouldn't leave a 9 month old baby for four days. But you can't ask. Just decline. If asked, say you can't leave her for that long.

Very very few people leave babies this young overnight and even fewer for 4 days. It would be different if it wss a neighbouring town.

Alabaster - OP does leave her baby at times. She just doesn't want to leave her longer, which is understandable.

From OP: I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

Fireplace, take no notice of the SUCK IT UP
THEIR WEDDING, THEIR RULES shite that everyone these days seems to love on here.

She is your best friend, she is aware of your situation. If she isn't talking about it with you and trying to find a solution, because hey, the real world is complex, people are torn in different ways and have different responsibilities etc, then she isn't much of a best friend, frankly. IMVHO

Wallywobbles - but it isn't always possible to fly in and out of a plan same day, or even next day. It really does depend on where you are flying from and where you are flying too.

To all those saying "don't guilt the bride"......

One of my DSiblings had a 'no children' rule. I had 3 under 5s - the youngest was a bf 9 month old. My DH was also working away at the time. The wedding was in my home country, also a plane ride away.

I tied myself up in knots trying to work out a do-able, affordable way to attend and in the end concluded that I just couldn't go. Well.....my DF threatened not to go if I didn't, another BIL phoned to tell me how inconsiderate I was, lots of other guests thought that I was behaving disgracefully etc etc. So when I read "it's their decision, you should respect it" I do smile wryly at the fact that it's such a one way street.

Ring the hotel and see if they have a babysitting service.
Babysitter can have your mobile number to call you if there's a problem
Meanwhile accept invitation and add note that you can stay only the minimum time because you will have baby with you.
You never know she may remember your earlier conversation and say they sent you the standard invitation but meant to make an exception in your case.
If you don't want to leave DC with babysitter in the evening there might be an adjacent room where you can bed her down.

my DF threatened not to go if I didn't, another BIL phoned to tell me how inconsiderate I was, lots of other guests thought that I was behaving disgracefully etc etc.

That was there issue not yours. If people choose to have a child free wedding then they expect some guests not to be able to attend, I know I did. If people couldn't get childcare it was fine by me. I actually uninvited 2 couples due to their behaviour before our wedding with their demands that they should be able to bring their children. We didn't want children there, people could come or not, it wasn't up for negotiation. The OP is being unreasonable as the bride has put in a full paragraph explaining why children are not invited.

Why get married if you don't like children?

I don't dislike kids. I think they're great. We're having a child free wedding mostly because I want my friends to be able to cut loose and have an amazing time without them worrying about the kids. We're all in our 40s and work in demanding jobs. My friends and me and DP all deserve a massive get together where none of us need to worry about what the kids are doing or keeping them entertained. The only kids there on the night are our lads (14), our nieces (15), a nephew (16) and a goddaughter (15) and a couple of other relatives, all over 14. There'll be about 10 kids in total.

Can you not see why some people want child free weddings? I spend 7 days a week with kids of some kind, I don't want my wedding to be full of them and I want to get rat arsed enjoy myself without kids running around.

That was there issue not yours. If people choose to have a child free wedding then they expect some guests not to be able to attend

The point I was trying to make is that I understand the OP's anxiety about turning down the invitation. Not every couple is as understanding as you might think, in my experience.

This whole thread is ridiculous. Even before the OP explained about her mother's health, the endless 'Why not take your mum with you?' comments were nonsensical. Is it really that hard to believe that flying someone out to babysit and paying for their accommodation for four days might be beyond budget? Or that the mother couldn't just drop everything for four days and fly abroad?

OP - your only option here is to politely decline because you have no childcare. It's a great shame you'll miss a close friend's wedding, but when she decided it was child free that was the risk she took.

Don't worry about it dear. I wholeheartedly believe that if the first few posts had been supportive, so would the majority of them. Its not hard to treat another human being with respect, even if you don't agree with them. Non-wankers know that.