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AIBU?

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Original poster

Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

367 replies

FireplacePick · 12/10/2016 14:00

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me Sad

I literally feel so sick.

OP posts:
Mia1415 · 12/10/2016 15:59

I never cease to be amazed by how harsh and horrible people can be on here!

Reading back through the thread - the OP has had conversations with her BF about her wedding, where it was assumed on her part that her DD would be there and her friend didn't contradict this. Her DM is terminally ill (OP my sincere condolences) and her DH is working away.

She has probably been looking forward to the wedding for months and planning and discussing it with her BF (as you do!) and then she gets the invitation which says her DD can't come, meaning that she can't come.

I think she is more than entitled to feel upset about this and not know quite how to respond to her friend!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2016 15:59

OP your title sounds like an ultimatum.

Why have you giveneed up your life for your DD?

It all sounds very very dramatic and ott.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2016 16:01

Why get married if you don't like children?!

Please tell me you're joking.

What has getting married got to do with whether you like children or not.

CotswoldStrife · 12/10/2016 16:02

OP, it's fine not to attend the wedding (and be disappointed about that) but not fine to issue an ultimatum to the bride. Sorry to hear about your mum.

kittykittykitty5 · 12/10/2016 16:10

Is there any chance DP could fly from wherever he is working to meet you for a few days and have DD whilst you are at the wedding?

flirtygirl · 12/10/2016 16:15

Op Flowers for you and your mum. I wouldnt go in your situation as you have to feel comfy that both your mum and dd are ok, otherwise you wont relax and enjoy yourself so now poimt in going all that way.

Loads of good suggestions for talking or emailing your friend and just let her know gently why. She may come up with a solution.

To all the harsh posters on here, do you never read your posts before clicking send and its oh so easy to be snippy and rude behind a keyboard but spare a thought for those its aimed at.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 12/10/2016 16:15

How about not shouting at and being horrendous to someone without waiting for a full background explanation. The OP was not obliged to mention why her mum couldn't travel.

dustarr73 · 12/10/2016 16:16

Its 19 pages in and people are still suggesting the Mum goes too.RTFT.

And op you would have got better responses if you worded the title better and let us know your Mum was ill.We are not psychic.

But Kitty suggestion is a good one.

JustCallMeKate · 12/10/2016 16:19

To all the harsh posters on here, do you never read your posts before clicking send and its oh so easy to be snippy and rude behind a keyboard but spare a thought for those its aimed at.

Yes I personally do. It's not rocket science to read a wedding invitation that states no children is it? Why would the bride have to come up with a solution? She's already said no children on the invite and included a paragraph explaining why. There is no reason to mention this to the bride at all for goodness sake. The drama over a wedding invitation is completely uncalled for as was the drip feed of the OP.

Rozdeek · 12/10/2016 16:19

I've just declined a wedding invite because I can't bring my baby DS.

Their wedding, their choice miserable fuckers

BalloonSlayer · 12/10/2016 16:26

Blimey people are harsh.

There's no way I'd have wanted to be a plane ride away from one of my DCs when they were 9 months. Even if they were staying with an extremely loving and competent close relative.

But don't give an ultimatum, say "So sorry, Friendsname, I don't think I can come to the wedding, I really cant leave DD for xx days. I am gutted about this and really sorry but it just doesn't work for me."

Memoires · 12/10/2016 16:29

But your baby has two parents. Her dad can look after her with help from your mum if he has to go to work and can't take time off. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with letting her dad have a go, probably a good idea to foster that relationship anyway and encourage his competence too.

From the pov of what's best for the child then aurely it's better for her to develop faith in both her parents' ability to pick her up, feed her, care for her etc. The more adults she can go to the better.

It really shouldn't be a problem leaving your baby with your baby's dad.

franincisco · 12/10/2016 16:31

I had the same situation OP, except I had 3 children. They weren't young babies or toddlers (ranged from 6-12) but I didn't have childcare and my BF didn't seem to comprehend this. I apologized and in the end she very reluctantly said they could come (I offered to pay for their meals) but at the reception they didn't have seats which was really awkward and she made it clear that they weren't welcome. They weren't the only children there either.

Fast forward a few years and BF now has children and can't go to the toilet without them, so I hope she realizes now that it is not a simple case of "get a babysitter".

wasonthelist · 12/10/2016 16:32

Don't go - simple as. People are free to specify no kids, but they must realise that means some people won't be able to attend.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 12/10/2016 16:33

Memoires the OP has said her husband is working away at the time

Costacoffeeplease · 12/10/2016 16:34

Why get married if you don't like children?!

Ha ha ha ha. You were joking?

cauliwobbles · 12/10/2016 16:35

Having given up your life to concentrate on your DD Confused I'm not sure why you're even considering going to the wedding.

Drbint · 12/10/2016 16:46

Please spare her the conversation. I had those and they're a pain in the fucking arse - it will just come over a whingey attempt to guilt-trip her, and it will very likely piss her off. She has said no children. She really doesn't need guests phoning her up to explain or talk about it - she will know why you're not coming, and it's something she will just have to suck up. If she wants to talk it over with you, she knows where you are.

The idea the bride needs to have a conversation with a new mother about why the latter can't attend her child-free wedding is ridiculous.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/10/2016 16:48

Unless there is a huge backstory and no not read whole 8 pages then I sympathise but babies not allowed!

SuperFlyHigh · 12/10/2016 16:57

My SIL and DB had 3 girls under 10 (they were flower girls and DDs of 1 of the best men), the woman who made the wedding dress had a sudden change of childcare so her DGD (3 or 4?) had to come - but she was supervised constantly, not sure if she was at the ceremony.

The flower-girls were great but at Kilver Court (google it) there's a huge lake/waterfall with rocks etc... it was also April and raining so a couple of us supervised the girls playing out there (yes on the rocks at one point - but they were ok!). only other child was SIL's Goddaughter who was 10 or 11.

SIL's DB's (her brother) wedding - extended family lots of cousins but they decided to make it child free. was in Fashion museum or somewhere (assembly rooms) in Bath. Kids wouldn't have worked. There may have been 1 there but am sure not, or teenager.

sorry re your mum OP. Flowers

Hulababy · 12/10/2016 16:57

YANBU to not want to leave your baby for a few hours.
YANBU to not want to leave your baby overnight.
YANBU to not want to leave your baby for 4 days.
YANBU to not want to leave your baby whilst you fly to another country.

YABU if you insist she goes.
YANBU to say that you cannot attend.

In the same way...

The bride and groom ANBU to decide on a child free wedding.

However they ABU if they then give you any grief/hassle or get upset that you (or any other guest) cannot attend because of their decisions to have no children.

Hulababy · 12/10/2016 16:59

Also - this whole take your mum.... its often trotted out on MN How much do people want to actually spend on someone else's wedding - extra overnight accommodation, extra flights in this case. That will all add up!

Alabastard · 12/10/2016 17:01

OP do you think never leaving your 9 month old is going to help with the clinginess?

Drbint · 12/10/2016 17:03

LaPharisienne - do you also realize that some people who get married already know they can't have children? Comments like yours to people like that can be devastating.

Stopyourhavering · 12/10/2016 17:03

Could you take dd with you and see if the hotel can arrange a nanny for the day?.... I did this when my dd was 5 months old and we had a function to attend..which country is wedding in?
But I would also speak to bride and explain situation regarding dh being away and dm being ill ( does you friend know your mum is so ill?)... It may be a blanket ban on kids at wedding but she may be wiling to make exception if you're so close

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