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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

367 replies

FireplacePick · 12/10/2016 14:00

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me Sad

I literally feel so sick.

OP posts:
toptoe · 12/10/2016 15:11

Let your friend know your circumstances and explain it means you can't leave your dd behind. For what it's worth, I wouldn't want to leave a 9 month old behind even without the added worry of your dm's terminal illness so I didn't think ybu for turning down the invite at the point either. It has to be a personal choice.

If I was having a wedding abroad and said young children couldn't come, I would not question someone saying 'sorry can't come' and get cross because that's a decision I've made and I know it won't suit everyone's circumstances. Your friend will understand. She might even make an exception, but I wouldn't ask her to do that - just if she offers to allow your dd to come then problem solved. But if she doesn't don't feel guilty about not going - she's chosen to have a child free wedding. That means some people with young babies or babysitting issues won't be able to come. She will take it on the chin. I can't see her getting shitty with you in your circumstances.

You may well be feeling like hanging on to your family at a time like this anyway and that is totally understandable. But like I said I would be turning it down myself anyway because I don't like the idea personally of being in another country to my dc. That's not a criticism of others who don't mind that. It's personal choice.

MillionToOneChances · 12/10/2016 15:15

If your mum is well enough to have the baby for a night I would just go for as little time as you can to be there for the important stuff. If she's as close as you say she's worth going outside your comfort zone.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 12/10/2016 15:15

I'm in a similar situation. One of my oldest and best friends is getting married in the summer. It will be a child-free wedding. My younger DD will be 9 months by that point and I have no intention of leaving her at home (happy to leave DD1 who will be 3). However, I'd never ask to bring her as my friend has said it is child free and it is her wedding! YWBU unreasonable to ask but YWNBU to decline. I'll be declining my invite when it comes. I completely understand her desire to not want children there and she'll just have to understand that I won't leave a baby at home. Different stages of life!

SpookyMooky · 12/10/2016 15:15

You've had some harsh responses but to me it's very simple. Decline, saying it's for childcare reasons. Feel sad if you must, move on.

My parents are both very well but I would definitely not impose a 2 day trip on them so I could go to a wedding. It just seems an out of proportion request to me.

Queazy · 12/10/2016 15:16

OP, stop responding to the rude and callous people who are saying things like 'farm out the brat.' They don't deserve your comments.

Of course you're not unreasonable to be worried about spending 4 nights away from a 9mo. And you're not precious for wanting her with you. Your first response was to find a way to be with your friend, which is kind. I agree that you should have a nice conversation with your friend, say how sad you are to miss the wedding, but you can't leave dd that long with your mum. She needs to understand and be kind in her response too, as it's her choice not to have any kids.

Yes it's absolutely fair to not have kids, but some of the rude, blunt remarks toward OP make me want to delete my account and find a forum where people can balance their views with a bit of bloody compassion.

Starlight2345 · 12/10/2016 15:17

Many on MN are very forceful on no children weddings...I have never been invited to one so really have no idea where in the world these exist.

I don't think you can inform bride you are bringing your DD.. The fact she didn't think how you couldn't be a bridesmaid with DD suggests she has no idea about how children effect your life.

just because some people do leave there children doesn't mean it is right for you or your DD.

I think the sorry can't make it with DH been away is completely reasonable. I think the fact she has mentioned babies that does include you.

Fruitbat15 · 12/10/2016 15:17

I think the op has been misunderstood, she has understood what no children means and is not suggesting taking the baby to the wedding, but doesn't know whether to attend or not. I would never have left DD at 9 months even for a day and night, if it's not possible to have your mum or someone else with you to help with babysitting while you are at the wedding, then don't feel bad about not being able to go. If your friend has decided on a no children wedding surely she will have to expect and accept that friends with babies will have difficulty attending. I know you don't want to miss out but a good friend should understand imo.

unimagmative13 · 12/10/2016 15:19

Not read the whole thread-

Your SIMPLE options are-

Go for 1 night as you said that was possible

Take your mum with you and attend the wedding while mum looks after baby.

Don't go.

unimagmative13 · 12/10/2016 15:21

Just to add I don't get people who assume babies are invited or that people would dare to invite them without child. Along with people that don't do anything as they have children.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 12/10/2016 15:22

I'm sorry your mum is terminally ill Flowers.

However your "Happy Now?" flounce is childish and rude. Posters including me who were not harsh or rude in any way, just suggested the most common solution to this common problem, could not have known this. It's simple to say "mum unable to do it" rather than mention she looks after your DD already and expect us to known the unknowable.

Why on earth would any of us be happy your mum is dying? That's really sad.

BowieFan · 12/10/2016 15:23

Waterrat

How is that normal? Anyone outside of the few children we have invited who asks to bring their kids will be told "Sorry, no. It's a child free wedding except for very close family, and as such if you can't sort childcare then we completely understand and we'll be sad you won't be there."

Nobody is getting a free pass. They've been told in advance and if they think they can flout the rules then they'll be sorry. Our wedding is costing a fortune and we had to beg the location to let us have a tiny amount of kids (basically our sons and two nephews, a niece and our goddaughter) because they don't usually allow kids at all. They made an exception for us.

We'll be inviting a few more on the night but as the room capacity is a firm limit, if their kids' name isn't on the invite, they ain't coming.

LaPharisienne · 12/10/2016 15:23

FWIW I think it's weird not to allow tiny babies, at least, even if the couple don't want children. But then it's not in my culture to have a child free wedding - I just don't get it. Why get married if you don't like children?!

So you have my sympathy - I understand you'd really like to see your friend get married and I understand the dilemma. But... I agree that you decline and if she's really like you there she'll get back to you.

In your shoes I'd re-evaluate the friendship.

BowieFan · 12/10/2016 15:26

unimaginative13

Yes, it's odd. CF couples are always told they don't think of kids when they organise things, but I don't think parents think of childless couples or people who don't want kids there. We have kids but our lives did not stop existing when we had them. We still went to things they weren't invited to and we never just expected they were invited. I hate that entitled attitude, especially because asking "is DS invited?" is basically backing the person into a corner, where they feel like they can't say no.

I'm glad I'm one of those people who will happily tell someone "No, DS isn't invited." when they ask, because DP would feel guilt tripped into inviting them.

Tryingtostayyoung · 12/10/2016 15:27

OP I think it's probably the way you worded your post that riled people up but i do understand that it's a shitty position to be in because I'm in a similar one. I have a very close friend who is getting married in a different country later this year and I had to decline the invitation because it was no children but that is my choice just like it's hers to have no kids but I personally just didn't feel comfortable flying to a different country without her. You need to just explain how you feel to her and then decline how invitation.

Icebearsaysno · 12/10/2016 15:30

The decision has been made for you!
Mum can't really have her for 4 days, she can't go with you as she's not fit to fly (I'm really sorry to hear that your mum is so poorly, I can only offer my best wishes), DH is at work.

If the friend really wants you there then she will accommodate your needs. You are not holding a hub to her head. This is not convenient for you, she's a great friend.... Just explain the situation !!!
Like you I couldn't leave my babies.... My DC had his first sleepover aged 8!

Good luck and I hope your friend understands !

TotallyOuting · 12/10/2016 15:32

Why get married if you don't like children?!

... ... ... Hmm

daisypond · 12/10/2016 15:33

While I think four nights is too much, I do think one or even two nights could be doable IF your mum feels up to it (and is happy to do it, of course) and you think DD will be OK, and if you want to do it, too. When one of my DDs was 14 months (so a bit older than yours) DH and I went to a wedding abroad (her home country) for my best friend - two nights and one whole day away from home. My parents, who DD knew well, came and looked after DD - so she was in her own home and everything was very familiar. Everything was fine.

JustCallMeKate · 12/10/2016 15:34

Why get married if you don't like children?

🙄 Seriously? Because some people do not want children at their weddings? It's nothing to do with not liking children, it's about having an adult only celebration which means no children

I feel very sorry for the bride mentioned in the OP. She's very clearly stated no children yet people are advising the OP to "have a chat" with the bride. Why? She's already said no children, there's no need to try no guilt her into inviting children. I had a child free wedding and lost count of the phone calls to tell me people couldn't come due to having no childcare. I KNEW some,people wouldn't come which was perfectly fine. My reply to these calls was "no problem, thanks for letting me know." Why some people can't read a wedding invite which says no children and understand what no children means is a bit odd tbh.

Fruitbat15 · 12/10/2016 15:35

Oops, hadn't read title, in any case if she is your best friend no harm in asking the situation with taking small babies, if it's a no then it's a no. Not going is a shame but that's life. It doesn't mean not doing anything ever again now that you have a baby. 9 months is still so little.

Sorry to hear about your mum.

LaPharisienne · 12/10/2016 15:39

Sorry, just realised I am being rude to people who don't want to have children - which is obviously totally fine!

It's just that in my culture people get married to have children, marriage is a big family thing and families include children - I just couldn't imagine anyone getting married without children all over the place. I know people do, but it seems bizarre to me.

Looks like I'm in the minority on here but just wanted to let the OP know that not everyone sees child free and thinks "oh fine".

DinosaursRoar · 12/10/2016 15:42

Op - if you are still reading, VinoTime's suggested email is very good.

I also would look at finding childcare close to the hotel, a nanny or childminder who'll come to the hotel just for the ceremony/reception, at least you can pop back to the room a few times to check on dd through the day and it'll be you to settle her.

Groovee · 12/10/2016 15:44

Could you take your mum and make a holiday off it. That way you get to go to the wedding and be close to dd.

Headofthehive55 · 12/10/2016 15:50

If you want to leave your child then fine. If you don't then don't. I didn't leave mine at that age - I didn't want. I don't judge other people for doing so and I don't think you should be judged for not wanting to.

Faithless · 12/10/2016 15:52

Assuming you're not breastfeeding, why won't you leave DD with your mum, for a couple of nights, if your mum is competent and up for it? I would have jumped at the chance to go and enjoy myself for a couple of wonderful child free nights with my best friend in another country! Think of the me time -reading a book with a glass of wine on the plane - bliss!
If she hasn't stayed overnight before, you could have a practice run before the wedding.

SporkLife · 12/10/2016 15:56

Why get married if you don't like children?!

What's liking/not liking children got to do with getting married ?Confused

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