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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be be furious with DP for going on a long weekend,I am 34 weeks Pregnant

133 replies

FlourishingMrs · 10/10/2016 18:39

Ok DP is usually very good, loving and hands on. He is very sporty and goes away 4-4 of times a year for tornaments in Europe with his friends/team mates.

This October I was quite clear that as I am 34 weeks pregnant with not an easy pregnancy, he will really have to miss out on this trip but could still go skiing in Jan as baby will be born. I have a primary school DS who I cannot leave alone if I had to go to the hospital.anyway 11pm Thursday night he infirm me that the team have not found a replacement for him for he will be flying out Friday morning. He has only just got home today Monday.

He is in the kitchen making dinner as we speak, I am so furious with him. I don't want to split the family over this but I need ideas on how I make sure he understands that this behaviour is tottally off, unless of course I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
IzzyIsBusy · 10/10/2016 19:51

For him to announce late the previous night is completely unacceptable IMO.

Read the OP again.

She actually knew it was a possibility. She has known about the trip for a while but it was only definite the other night when mo replacement could be found. I actually dont think he is that much of a twat.

AGruffaloCrumble · 10/10/2016 19:52

This October I was quite clear that as I am 34 weeks pregnant with not an easy pregnancy, he will really have to miss out on this trip but could still go skiing in Jan as baby will be born

No clue what you're reading Izzy.

IzzyIsBusy · 10/10/2016 19:52

IzzyIsBusy forget the pregnancy. In what world is it ok for either partner in a relationship to say with around 12 hours notice "hey honey you are in sole charge of all childcare for the entire weekend?". Absolutely not. Pre-planned fine.

See my above post.

daisiesinherfootsteps · 10/10/2016 19:53

Is IzzyIsBusy the OPs DH? Grin

Scarydinosaurs · 10/10/2016 19:53

In that case, given you're at high risk for early labour and had your last baby early, YANBU.

Smartleatherbag · 10/10/2016 19:55

It's selfish of him to go. Sounds like you need support right now and you've made that clear. Yanbu.

SandyY2K · 10/10/2016 19:55

we have had two night time trips to hospital due to abonominal pain and reduced movement.

^^^^^^^^ I think this is very relevant actually.

IzzyIsBusy · 10/10/2016 19:56

This October I was quite clear that as I am 34 weeks pregnant with not an easy pregnancy, he will really have to miss out on this trip

This leads md to believe OP knew about the trip.

However reading the OP again anyway 11pm Thursday night he infirm me that the team have not found a replacement for him for he will be flying out Friday morning. He has only just got home today Monday.

He has already been and come back ????

OP is still pregnant??

SauvignonPlonker · 10/10/2016 19:56

As I said upthread, I unexpectedly had a peek baby at 29 weeks.

My next pregnancy was classified high-risk, like OP's. I had lots of extra scans, appointments & interventions, especially at the end.

I never made it to term (36 weeks).

If my partner had gone away I would have been beyond furious.

Luckily he was not a selfish twat, and I didn't even need to have a conversation about it.

daisiesinherfootsteps · 10/10/2016 19:57

IzzyIsBusy I 'let' my DH go away at 37 weeks. Abroad Shock But he discussed it with me. And we made a back up plan. Including what he would do if anything happened. And I felt secure he understood my fears. And it was for something a bit more important than a hobby.

ZanyMobster · 10/10/2016 19:59

Big drip feed. Why didn't you explain all this in the OP, it's hugely relevant!

SandyY2K · 10/10/2016 19:59

OP,

I didn't realise he's been and back. There's no point stressing yourself about it now. Just calm down and don't give yourself hypertension.

WallisFrizz · 10/10/2016 20:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable. However, what happened when he told you he was going? What contact have you had over the weekend? I hope you didn't seethe silently otherwise he why would he not go?

IzzyIsBusy · 10/10/2016 20:00

You let him. Grin

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/10/2016 20:01

Izzy I don't understand where you are getting that from. OP knows the four times her DPs team plays away. She told him he'd have to miss out on this one. He agrees, and then tells her on Thursday that they haven't found a replacement so he'll be going.

She knew when the trip was happening but it doesn't sound like she had any idea he was going. It seemed to be agreed that he wouldn't.

IzzyIsBusy · 10/10/2016 20:07

I didnt read anywhere that he agreed. I read OP told him he was not going. Then OP says anyway 11pm Thursday night he infirm me that the team have not found a replacement for him for he will be flying out Friday morning. This infers the discussion had was not about him not going at all but only going if a replacement could not be found.

Besides. It appears he has gone, come back and OP is still pregnant.
Bit of a none discussion really Smile

MothersGrim · 10/10/2016 20:08

Yanbu but I thought that from your first post.

My husband does not tell me he is going away for 4 days.

As for how you let him know it was unacceptable I would probably video myself burning his passport.

Twat.

JaniceBattersby · 10/10/2016 20:09

I would be absolutely fucking furious. Telling you he's going away for four days, with 12 hours notice, and that you're going to be caring for one child while heavily pregnant with another, as well as all the other complicating risk factors which, granted, we didn't know about in the opening post, but I'm sure he did? What an absolute piss taker.

I don't know what my reaction would be but it wouldn't be pretty. Guess I'm not one of the cool wives, huh? Hmm

TheNaze73 · 10/10/2016 20:18

YABU

Littletabbyocelot · 10/10/2016 20:25

It wouldn't be about 'letting' for me, it would be his family needed him and he prioritised something else. What a single parent would have done is irrelevant, OP isn't a single parent, he has equal responsibility with her for the family. She said no to having sole charge of the ds for the weekend - how come he gets to walk away?

Honestly I'm not sure how I'd get past it because he made a choice in cold blood to do exactly what he wanted ignoring the needs/wants of the family. An apology would be meaningless because it was his choice.

I probably sound extreme but for me probably the only way forward would be if he stopped the hobby. But also a lot of work to rebuild trust. 24 hours notice was just really shit.

gertyglossop · 10/10/2016 20:29

Your husband's been a dick.

He knew you were not happy with him going, and chose to go anyway, giving you a few hours notice. YANBU

I hope you have a similar, if not equal, number of breaks away with friends each year...

eurochick · 10/10/2016 20:37

For a normal uncomplicated pregnancy I'd say yabu. But your update shows this isn't the case. I had similar issues (had both uterine arteries but they didn't dilate so the pressure through them was too high, the baby was iugr and I was closely monitored from 28 weeks, like the op. The monitoring isn't for the hell of it - they are doing it to assess how the baby is doing and if the answer is "not as well as they would like" they will get the baby out. In my case they decided that was the case at 33+2 weeks and I would get the next available incubator. The baby was delivered at 34+0. I think no one who can say the op is being unreasonable cannot have experienced the stress and uncertainty of a high risk pregnancy. I can't believe the op's husband would do this - it's incredibly stupid, particularly with an older child in the mix and no back up.

LittleLionMansMummy · 10/10/2016 20:48

Everything Janice said. I am 34 weeks pregnant and also have a primary aged ds. I'm still working ft, have similar concerns about early birth and have a growth scan tomorrow. I probably wouldn't have any issues with dh going a few hours away by car in this country, but would definitely not be comfortable with him going anywhere outside of the UK for four days. But more to the point, dh wouldn't consider it because he knows how tired I am now, the concerns I have, and how much having him around helps me in terms of his support with ds.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 11/10/2016 14:58

YANBU

It's not about letting anybody do anything. The op asked him not to go as she has concerns and rightly so. And TBH if I asked my Dh not to do something once because I was worried about something - he wouldn't go and visa versa because we are considerate like that. I really don't think he even tried to get a stand in. There are even posts on here about not letting his team down, what about his fucking wife?

I hate the fact other women try and make other women feel shit about feeling vunerable when pregnant or worried or feel like they need to lean on there Dh. MN is the only place I ever see it. Every fucker feels different or has different experiences when pregnant. I'm 37 weeks now and this last baby has ruined me, my other two we easy pregnancies.

Pregnancy threads always bring out the 'I was pregnant with triplets, had severe complications, 15 kids at home and it didn't bother me' folk. Bully for you!!

minipie · 11/10/2016 15:54

YANBU at all

Reagrdless of the prem risk, you have a small DS, who is your DH's responsibility as much as yours. More his in fact, since you are heavily pregnant and need to be able to have breaks. IMO as he is jointly responsible for DS's care, he cannot go away without your agreement.

On the prem risk, I had single umbilical artery with DD1 and she was born at 34 weeks. Hope you make it further.

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