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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be be furious with DP for going on a long weekend,I am 34 weeks Pregnant

133 replies

FlourishingMrs · 10/10/2016 18:39

Ok DP is usually very good, loving and hands on. He is very sporty and goes away 4-4 of times a year for tornaments in Europe with his friends/team mates.

This October I was quite clear that as I am 34 weeks pregnant with not an easy pregnancy, he will really have to miss out on this trip but could still go skiing in Jan as baby will be born. I have a primary school DS who I cannot leave alone if I had to go to the hospital.anyway 11pm Thursday night he infirm me that the team have not found a replacement for him for he will be flying out Friday morning. He has only just got home today Monday.

He is in the kitchen making dinner as we speak, I am so furious with him. I don't want to split the family over this but I need ideas on how I make sure he understands that this behaviour is tottally off, unless of course I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Meeep · 10/10/2016 19:26

Yanbu. I went into labour with no warning at 34 weeks. It happens!

Anyway, if you told him you didn't want him to go, you were feeling unwell or nervous or in need of support, he should really not have gone.
You're his wife. You're meant to be number one.

Original poster
FlourishingMrs · 10/10/2016 19:27

Thank you every one, a few answers

  • found out at 20 week scan that the ambilical cord has one artery instead of two so on regular growth scans due to risk of IUGR and increased risk of early labour.
  • hard c/section and blood transfusion with DS born at 36 weeks
  • we have had two night time trips to hospital due to abonominal pain and reduced movement.
  • He himself was boon at week 33
OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 10/10/2016 19:28

When he told you , had he made any arrangements for help or was he just assuming you would cope?

BummyMummy77 · 10/10/2016 19:28

And given that info he's bang out of order.

Meeep · 10/10/2016 19:30

That's much worse then.
I would honestly ask him to leave for now and find another birth partner. X

SugarMiceInTheRain · 10/10/2016 19:31

Given your update, and the likelihood of another prem birth, he is being massively unreasonable. Have you got any friends you can call on in an emergency (or give the heads up to, should you need their help)?

fc301 · 10/10/2016 19:31

OMFG!!
Print this thread out and give it to him. What a shit.

Original poster
FlourishingMrs · 10/10/2016 19:31

No he made no plans for support, I have friends so if I had been notified in advance one of my girlfriends would have been on standby.

It's not a Proffessional it's at club level/hobby

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/10/2016 19:31

He himself was boon at week 33

This isn't relevant to your pregnancy though is it

Having been aware of your request, it looks like he's prioritised his team over you. Pretty selfish TBH.

SandyY2K · 10/10/2016 19:32

By the way I don't think YABU.

ThomasRichard · 10/10/2016 19:32

YANBU. Does he have form for putting appearances 'not letting the team down' above his wife's health and his child's safety?

My exH used to do this kind of thing and it's difficult to describe the kind of helplessness, hurt, worry and anger it produced.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 10/10/2016 19:32

YANBU op

I don't think he ever tried to get a replacement. He didn't give a toss about you and his team mates and hobby came first.

How you deal with this will set the precedent for future issues. I'm an extreme kind of girl and if probably ask him to leave so you could have some space and think about the future and what you both want/expect.

If you STFU now you will always be doing it.

AliceInHinterland · 10/10/2016 19:33

I thought YANBU before you even added that info. I think that late pregnancy and early babyhood is a time for family to pull together and show solidarity. He should be looking after you and encouraging you to put your feet up. Your life will have changed and so should his for a while.
As for telling you the day before! Words fail me.

CotswoldStrife · 10/10/2016 19:35

I would not be happy with that either. Pregnancy hormones would probably have prevented him from getting back in to the house in my case!

What do you want to do about it, OP? I get the sense that he has just breezed in thinking he's got away with it is there anywhere you can stay overnight ?

IzzyIsBusy · 10/10/2016 19:35

Sorry that info has not changed my view.

I cannot get my head round the idea "i am pregnant. You must meet all of my demands. All of the time" Hmm

38 weeks yep i would say he is wrong. 34 weeks nah you are being precious.

However you want you cause an argument and force your DP to let other people down when the probably outcome is you are still pregnant when he returns then your choice.

AliceInHinterland · 10/10/2016 19:38

Izzy I get what you're saying but I think for many people, resentment can build if they are the only one making changes. It makes sense to me to all slow down and adjust the rhythm of the family together - not for one partner to carry on as normal while the other (often) suffers. They are a partnership and he can't take for granted that she'll do childcare why he is away anyway.

CotswoldStrife · 10/10/2016 19:38

The OP hasn't said she stops him going the rest of the time Izzy, she just asked him not to go on this trip because of her pregnancy! That seems pretty reasonable!

raviolidreaming · 10/10/2016 19:39

Still what IzzyIsBusy says from me.

AliceInHinterland · 10/10/2016 19:39

Also, male genetics do have an influence on the outcome of pregnancy, although the exact details are currently poorly understood.

Lunar1 · 10/10/2016 19:42

What was he like when you were pregnant with ds1?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/10/2016 19:43

Sorry I'm with Izzy too, it's one weekend, I'd have no problems with DP doing this at all, andelivery I say that as someone in 3rd tri with 2 other kids, one of which is 15 months and a nightmare handful.

IzzyIsBusy · 10/10/2016 19:45

Maybe he feels the same?

So he cannot dictate where he spends his time as it maybe a path to him dictating how it goes in the future but yet the OP is allowed to dictate and demand what he does and thats ok Hmm

Oh sorry pregnacey makes it ok though.

daisiesinherfootsteps · 10/10/2016 19:46

YANBU to be furious with the way things happened. I think at 34 weeks it wouldn't normally be that U for him to go away, although with your increased chance of complications/prem birth, that would only be with a clear plan for who was on standby as backup in an emergency.

For him to announce late the previous night is completely unacceptable IMO.

Only you know I this is part of a bigger picture of him being a selfish prick or if he was just being thoughtless.

However, I think that you should be finding a comfortable local hotel, booking yourself in for this fri/sat night and letting him know on Thursday night (no sooner) that he is in sole charge of DC1 for the weekend ahead. See how he feels about it. I don't mean that just to be petty, but otherwise I think he just won't understand at all. Why are you, the heavily pregnant lady, default childcare?

daisiesinherfootsteps · 10/10/2016 19:48

IzzyIsBusy forget the pregnancy. In what world is it ok for either partner in a relationship to say with around 12 hours notice "hey honey you are in sole charge of all childcare for the entire weekend?". Absolutely not. Pre-planned fine.

AGruffaloCrumble · 10/10/2016 19:49

Izzy She didn't make it to 38 weeks with her last baby.
YANBU OP. If he had given you lots of time and you had both been comfortable with it it would be different but you don't just get to up and leave with one days notice when you have kids and a pregnant partner.